A Brace for Impact 12.25.08

Posted by Jarrod Westerfeld on 12.26.2008

Lansdell's away and you're left with the grumpy, bitter New Yorker talking about Impact with the Raw Recapper, Rob McNew. Join in on the festivities as presented by this very special Christmas edition of Impact.

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me.

Greetings, all. Welcome to A Brace for Impact as hosted by yours truly, Jarrod Westerfeld. For the next two weeks instead of getting yourself some Lansdellicious loving at this time you're getting treated to some grumpy bitterness straight out of a hood rat's asshole. This probably won't be nearly as shiny or hold a sunny disposition much like Chris's version but then again when have any of you come to know me as either of those things?

Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. El Jefe Csonka does a fine job of that. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

It's still a work in progress. The format is getting better each week and I'm still tweaking it. However, it's not going to change much from what you see today. It's not for everyone, but then no column is. Except the awesome Lansdell's Sunday Brunch whatever the fuck it is Chris is pawning off these days, of course.

After copying and pasting a lot of the old template that Lansdell had so kindly forwarded to me let's meet our guest, the brave soul who volunteered Christmas night to enjoy an episode of Impact with me the writer of the Raw Live Coverage and Raw Report, Rob McNew. Say hello to the fine people, Rob.

Rob: Rob McNew the RAW recapper taking time out of my Christmas to punish mys...errr...enjoy an exciting night of Impact
Jarrod: Hey, there could be a Christmas miracle...though Las Vegas odds would be strong against it tonight.

Cut to –

BANNER!



Mick Foley and the League of Extraordinary Champions

Rob: Was this message paid for by the nWo?
Jarrod: I would like to think of them more like the mWo - Millionaire's World Order. After all, most of these guys are getting paid 3 times what the home-grown talents are being offered. At least. And we'll be beginning with Mick Foley doing what he does best: cutting a promo.
Rob: It is his speciality, just stay out of the ring Mick
Jarrod: But if he wasn't in a ring, how would you know this is a wrestling show?
Rob: Don't take things so literally my friend
Jarrod: So I take it the MEM is basically the Horsemen and the nWo had a child who was later molested by the Millionaire's club?
Rob: Thats fair, leave it TNA to rehash an angle that WCW ran in the year 2000. Because we all know how much business they did then.
Jarrod: I love that the TNA World Champion is in the background while the TNA Legends Champion stands out in front - of course he's still behind Angle's shadow and all. If this leads to Al Snow coming out in a suit and a fake title, I quit. Whether it be now or 12 years from now, I quit.
Rob: If this leads to Al Snow ever appearing on television again I quit. In any capacity
Rob: So Rhino vs. Angle with Jarrett at ringside. I'm sure that will have a clean finish
Jarrod: I'm sure that will in no way result in any shenanigans.
Rob: Offbeat or otherwise.


Rhino the Instant Classic

Rob: I thought he came to TNA because WWE wished him well in future endeavors
Jarrod: Well, there was that, of course. But beyond that, Rhino's new found ability to handle a promo is very relevant. I wonder who he mugged to get these skills?
Rob: Yes, this is like bizarro Rhino. Another great promo.

Kyoshi vs. Chris Sabin w/Alex Shelley

Jarrod: So Eric Young wins the title, gets it stripped off of him because of ref shenanigans, then he wins it again and it's stripped of him because of shenanigans?
Rob: You got it, and now we have a Muta imposter
Jarrod: I was going to point that out but I didn't want to draw any attention to this company pulling that stunt a second time. At least he isn't a backwards killer.
Rob: In fairness I believe he was actually trained by Muta.
Jarrod: Yeah; but to be more fair, he wasn't booked right at all.
Rob: Hey its the guy from Iran with no accent.
Jarrod: It's the guy who has Hussan's gimmick but isn't nearly as over as Hassan.
Rob: The blood stained turban is pretty awesome though.
Jarrod: It reminds me of when Joe was awesome in this company. Shame he doesn't get that kind of push to get people to care about what kind of threat he can be.
Rob: Meanwhile Sabin and Baby Muta are putting on quite a fun little match. Too bad it will be over soon. They've gone what two minutes already?
Jarrod: They're almost 4 minutes in and I'm in shock this is still going on. Doesn't this company have a lot of segments to get to? They can't be wasting time on such a silly thing like wrestling.
Rob: And as you hit enter, the match ends.
Jarrod: Well, I have impeccable timing...I think...
Rob: Was he hulking up?
Jarrod: He was attempting it. Note to TNA: the game flopped, time to forget about Suicide working.

Winner: Chris Sabin pinned Kyoshi (Cradle Shock)

Rob: Criminally Short Match, but definately fun while it lasted. Sabin always delivers. **1/4

Jarrod: A fun little match that got just a bit of time to get the crowd into it. It isn't a classic, it won't be memorable a year from now but at least it was fun to watch. I'd have to give it about ** flat.


Just For Lansdell: Dat Azz Squared Meets the Marks

Rob: Ye, gods the Palin garbage begins.
Jarrod: Wait, this is the Palin impersonator they got? This woman who looks nothing like Palin.
Rob: Its actually Daffney from WCW.
Jarrod: ...anything for a paycheck, I guess. I can't complain too much then, I'd probably do the same if in her position. I'm just so glad that TNA made that a priority worth cutting the Sabin/Kyoshi match short just to ensure brilliant segments like that get air time.
Rob: Can someone please make Kip James put some clothes on? When he is wearing less than both of the ladies we've got a problem.
Jarrod: Kip James was in that segment? I was looking more at the ladies and the fact that they were trying to sell me shit I didn't care for.
Rob: Yeah, he was there. Wearing Shawn Michaels shorts circa 1997.
Jarrod: Well, if Kip ever comes across Shawn's hair circa 1995, I'm sure Shawn would appreciate it if it was returned to him.

Jarrett and Angle HATE~ Each Other

Rob: I've got to give TNA credit. The Jarrett-Angle feud has been incredibly well built.
Jarrod: I'm of the opposite spectrum. Since when does the face act like a heel by putting all the obstacles in the path of the heel to prevent them from having a rematch? It hurts my head how TNA likes to switch up the roles like this. But I guess that's a minor gripe.
Rob: I really like these sit down interviews. It works a lot better than some silly skit or vignette, in my opinion.
Jarrod: It bugs me how they do this and the rest of the show doesn't invite you to understand the structure of the stories in the same manner. Why can't everything else on this show be this orderly and clean cut?
Rob: Oh my, this is straight out of the nWo playbook.
Jarrod: Where's Bischoff to help sell this?
Rob: They should go ahead and put control of Impact on the line in the Jarrett-Angle match. Then we can watch MEM Impact.
Jarrod: I'm sure everyone would appreciate a company called MEM better than they do of one called TNA.
Jarrod: But that's just speculation.
Rob: A "W" in the title would be helpful.
Jarrod: No, that would mislead people to think this company was about wrestling. We wouldn't want the fans confused by that pesky "W".

Beer Money Inc. Rough Cut: Kayfabe is Still Dead

Rob: Is that a Braden Walker sighting?
Jarrod: Braden Walker must be proud that he opted to break up the best tag team in TNA's history to pursue a career in the WWE.
Rob: He's had some brains to knock out, can you blame him?
Jarrod: Well, I guess when TNA is having you work with Dustin Rhodes you'd best be looking for work elsewhere.

In Morgan We Thank

Jarrod: Oh thank you lord, no more Abyss promos.
Rob: Thank you Matt for not letting him speak.
Jarrod: Matt Morgan is now trying to channel Psycho Sid. At least he has a sense of when to be quiet and menacing and loud and threatening.
Jarrod: I wonder if Sid watched with a notepad?


D-Von and AJ Dudley Talk Business

Rob: So is AJ now an honorary member of the Dudley family?
Jarrod: AJ Dudley...nah, I can't see it. I don't think I want to see it, at least. You know he had me until he flipped out.
Rob: Yeah, that totally killed what was a great promo
Rob: Nice to see the Front Line have matching T-Shirts though
Jarrod: Shame the MEM t-shirt looks better. Why is that?
Rob: Nice spit on the camera.
Jarrod: He's still got nothing on Big Show's ability.
Rob: If you're scoring at home we're heading into the 4th quarter hour and have had a grand total of four minutes of wrestling
Jarrod: I'd give the benefit of 5 minutes of wrestling, just to round up the time rather than down. I'm just a nice enough guy like that.
Rob: Oh well then its all good then. Somewhere in Canada, Lance Storm's head is exploding.
Jarrod: And somewhere in my head I'm wondering why I don't have hard liquor in the house for times like these.

Alex Shelley Encounters Wild Eric Young

Jarrod: In 9 minutes we see more MEM and Frontline stuff - that's more important than just a promo featuring the Guns.
Rob: That was random, aren't they supposed to be on the same team?
Jarrod: Alex Shelley just randomly encountered a wild Eric Young. I guess Shelley didn't have his pokeball ready, or something. I don't know what they're doing with the Guns and Frontline anymore, if anything.
Rob: I guess this means another segment without a match?
Jarrod: I'm confused; I thought this was the match. I guess I was just being hopeful for another match on tonight's show.
Rob: Nice dog pile, it looks the Gunns just won the World Series. All of that to hype a semifinal match on the next Impact?
Jarrod: I hope to god that TNA Mobile fucking explodes. Just burns to the damned ground and we never hear from it ever again.

Divas or Knockouts? You Decide '08!

Rob: So apparantely we're gonna rip off the Santa's Little Helper match from Armageddon?
Jarrod: The TNA Divas...amazing, they actually managed to make some of these girls look horrible.
Rob: Divas? You mean knockouts right?
Jarrod: No. I meant what I said - shame too, because the Beautiful People actually had a hook to their presence in the division as they were the ones acting like actresses who had to wrestle on occasion.
Rob: Pushing Christy Hemme as their top babyface knockout, diva, woman, whatever kinda shoots a grand canyon sized hole in the whole "we're not diva's we're wrestlers" thing, huh?
Jarrod: Yeah, that's a true statement. I don't ever want to hear that the Knockouts are better than the Divas when you take into consideration who the face of the Knockouts is, currently.
Rob: When she wins the title, and lets be honest that is going to happen, WWE will have Beth Phoenix and they will have Christy Hemme. Enough said.

The Frontline (AJ Styles and Brother D-Von) vs. MEM (Booker T and Scott Steiner)

Jarrod: You mean...we're actually going to get a MATCH!?
Rob: Whats this? A match?
Jarrod: Maybe we're just imagining things. Maybe this is just a segment?
Rob: So I forgot, they'll get in that stage type thing with ropes around it, and have a physical confrontation of some kind?
Jarrod: I believe that's how this works. I mean, I could be wrong. After all, TNA used to mean "we are wrestling" so they would know better than the rest of us what wrestling actually is.
Rob: Here comes Brother D-Von and Brother J
Jarrod: You know what I just thought? If they had the teams come out as actual teams, using their stable themes, we actually could have gotten 3 more minutes of wrestling time in this match. Just an observation.
Rob: excellent point, now they'll pull a WWE and go to commercial now that everyone is in the ring.
Jarrod: If they stretch this out for another 15 minutes we'd have actually gone a full hour without a wrestling match. Shame that this, too, could have been a pay-per-view match instead of a free television bout. It just means that the actual pay-per-view has to do something else to try and get the fans interested in buying the damned thing.
Rob: To be fair, I'm not sure it would matter. The only people who are buying TNA pay per views are the hardcore TNA junkies who'd buy it if the main event was Kurt Angle vs. Shark Boy in an ironman match. Was this no DQ and I missed it?
Jarrod: Even I don't think they're that deluded...but I could be proven wrong.
Rob: oh, its a no contest, and it ended during the break. Loverly.
Jarrod: So they put a tv finish in a tv match that, again, could have been a ppv match? And this is now just one big segment?
Rob: Do they really need to keep calling these "hits"? Is there something wrong with "beatdown"?
Jarrod: If they insist upon that then I demand that the MEM set up a gang of shooters at a toll booth ready to take fire upon Jeff Jarrett as he looks to cross.
Rob: I'd mark out like crazy if they offed Jarrett in kayfabe. Its the next natural step for TNA.
Jarrod: Where the hell is the rest of the Frontline? Do they not protect their own? Do they have better things to do than help out their big stars?
Rob: No their locker room is just apparantely located somewhere in Tampa
Jarrod: At least they came out before AJ was stomped. That makes sense. Shame that the Frontline looks so weak against the 4 Millionaire World Order Horsemen.
Rob: So they all run out, and immediately all get beaten down. Could the Frontline look any weaker? Foley runs like my Grandmother
Jarrod: Yes, they could - Mikey Whipwreck could have been Angle's guest and become a member of the MEM. Having to sell for Whipwreck is an instant burial.
Rob: Okay, the ENTIRE FRONTLINE gets destroyed, and 60 year old Mick Foley comes out and cleans house
Jarrod: So Mick Foley is stronger than the entire Frontline and is more dominant? I don't even care for the payoff for this feud anymore. We're now moved on to the feud between MEM and Foley.
Rob: Well there's still Jarrett. But yeah, no one can take the Frontline seriously anymore.
Jarrod: Yeah, that's true. It's going to take a lot for us to take them seriously ever again.
Rob: I guess Bubba, D-Von, and Joe have all been taken out, and AJ was already beaten down...

Winner: Match Ended in a No Contest.

Jarrod: It was short lived and did more to set up a segment than further the feud that shows that the Frontline are dangerous equals to the MEM. For what it was worth it gets a *3/4 just for at least trying to be a wrestling match.

Rob: Well before the break we had a nice little tag match going, and I was looking forward to a conculsion. But the finish was just setting up another segment and it came during the commercial. The finish actually came during the break on a show that is taped. Inexcusible. *

Foley Presents Genesis 2009 Selling Point

Rob: Foley channelling Pacino
Jarrod: So we ARE stealing from the Godfather here - so why not James Caan Jeff Jarrett already? Another main event tag team match?!
Rob: Oh for the love of god. Why Mick? Why?
Jarrod: Why can't TNA just give us these tag matches on pay-per-view instead of throwing them on television just to "build" up to a bigger tag team match?
Rob: Why should I pay to see Foley with two partners? I just saw him take out the whole damn group by himself
Jarrod: You're totally right. There's no need to pay to see the Frontline handicap the dominant Foley.

Santa's Workshop Knockouts Streetfight:
Sojournor Bolt, Rahka Kahn, Raisha Saeed and Awesome Kong vs. Christy Hemme, Roxxi, Taylor Wilde and ODB

Rob: So only the faces dress up in Santa's Helper costumes? Thats no good, I was looking forward to seeing Kong in a Mrs. Claus outfit
Jarrod: And look bad in the get-ups.
Rob: Christy's Christmas costume consists of a Santa hat and a ribbon on her ass. How creative.
Jarrod: There are no words to describe Roxxi and Taylor Wilde's "costumes". At least ODB tried. She may look like Simba, but at least it was an effort.
Rob: Oh dear god, I could have lived another 100 years without seeing ODB's panties.
Jarrod: Mind you, almost an hour and a half into this show, we've gotten almost 10 minutes of wrestling.
Rob: So we see the entrances, with the faces all getting their own, and then go to break. Thats probably my number one pet peeve in all of wrestling. And they're both guilty of it.
Jarrod: They didn't even start this match during the break. Does that mean they're cutting deeply into their important segment time?
Rob: No it just means the crowd also only gets a 2 minute match.
Jarrod: I swear to you, Taylor Wilde's get-up is a lost costume from the old Batman show. All she's missing is the cap, mask and utility belt and she'd be decked out in Robin's gear! Dragon Gate rules for a women's match?
Rob: How am I supposed to buy Christy as a threat to Kong?
Jarrod: Simple, you get really fucking drunk, and then toke up beyond belief. By the time you feel like Keith Richards then you're ready to buy Christy as a threat to Kong.
Rob: I'm not sure theres enough mind altering substances on the planet for that to make sense.
Really I don't even like having Kong around, because I can't buy ANY woman as a threat to her.
Jarrod: If MsChif could handle Kong, then clearly there are ladies out there who can beat her. Just TNA decided to dress up the other one in a burka, or whatever that is.
Rob: Well that was quite the clusterfuck
Jarrod: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Rhaka Khan is the worst women's wrestler in the business today.

Winner: Taylor Wilde pinned Rhaka Khan (Inside Cradle)

Jarrod: That match was just there; it wasn't bad, it wasn't horrible, it just wasn't good. At least we got a full match, though short. I'll probably have to hand that *3/4 just for being kind of there.

Rob: I disagree, I thought it was horrible. Just a bunch of random brawling with no real purpose. 1/4* for Christy's hotness. Nothing else stood out.


Kurt Angle w/ Sting vs. Rhino w/ Jeff Jarrett

Rob: Someone tell Sting he's a heel. Quit shaking hands with the fans please.
Jarrod: But then he'd be acting like a bad guy. He can't do that, that would just be sinful and immoral. He can't be those things.
Rob: Jarrett with his guitar...odds that gets bashed over someone's head in the next 15 minutes?
Jarrod: Even Vegas wouldn't touch those odds as it's a suckers bet.
Rob: So Hebner's the ref, and the boss is at ringside...I'd like to see TNA do something innovative and rehash the Montreal finish.
Jarrod: Even I don't think TNA could pull off that moment without fucking it up.
Rob: Wow, those refs sure got out there quick, its like they were just waiting.
Jarrod: The refs don't have their own locker room, so they have to sit in with the crowd and watch from there.
Rob: So I'm guessing the DQ comes during the break and the last 8 minutes will be a Rhino beatd...errr....hit, followed by a MEM promo. Maybe they can spraypaint his back or something.
Jarrod: If that happens then this entire show would have been about 15 minutes of wrestling. That's about 5 minutes for each match, give or take. And if that's the case then I don't want to hear TNA and wrestling in the same sentence ever the fuck again - I'm serious about that.
Rob: Order has been restored per Mike Tenay. Well THANK FUCKING GOD for that. I'm sure there will be no more tomfoolerly the remainder of the night.
Jarrod: Oh, most assuredly. This company is so upstanding that I can't imagine them bamboozling their fans by not giving them at least one wrestling match on this card that focused just on the wrestling rather than the shenanigans. Rhino's eyes being referenced as glazed over without the reference of a donut being within his reach? Surely they jest!
Rob: He's Rhinoing Up!
Jarrod: I think that was really a diabetic induced seizure.
Rob: Its hard to tell some times
Jarrod: Well when you're entire work out regimen is that of crunching crispy cream donuts then it's hard to tell when the athlete begins and the waddling lard-ass ends.
Rob: This is actually a pretty good match. Too bad there is zero chance of any kind of satsifying finish.
Jarrod: What I don't get is how this wasn't their pay-per-view match. That bout was so freakin' boring in comparison to this one.
Rob: Gee, didn't see that coming
Jarrod: So this helped Rhino's bid for the title...how?
Rob: Its really a good thing Angle brought Sting out to watch his back
Jarrod: Oh god, BG James is getting air time?
Rob: Road Dogg gets laid out. The final thing we see is friggin BG James doing his best Vince McMahon impression with the quivering?
Jarrod: Yup, because building his character is so important.

Winner: Kurt Angle wins via Disqualification (Jeff Jarrett interference)

Rob: The match was actually pretty good. Angle can pretty much carry anyone to a watchable match as evidenced again here. Perfectly acceptable television main event, even with the finish you could see coming a mile away. **1/2

Jarrod: So the final match actually got double digits in time, was somewhat better than the pay-per-view encounter between these two, and still managed to fail at the dubious task of building up the Angle/Jarrett feud while making Rhino look like a true threat to Sting. It got the first part right but the other task was a huge flop. The bout itself was still fine, though very slow and not what TNA fans come to expect from this company, so overall gets away with a **1/4 rating, just to be nice.

Final Thoughts

Rob: TNA had taken some steps in the right direction the past few weeks, but took a massive step back this week. Less than 20 minutes of wrestling, including FOUR whole minutes in the first hour of the show. Positive points for only one Palin segment instead of the two we had been getting, but the rest of the show as a whole was just plain garbage.

Jarrod: This show was downright painful. There was so much emphasis, again, on the MEM that we almost forget that they have a rival team that is supposed to be their equal counterparts that stand for the company. At no point did we get a sense that the Frontline is a functioning unit that really has their act together, and at no point did the MEM look vulnerable. To sum it up, this show was a complete throwaway. I get it, though, this was the holiday week and they just needed to fill in the week for the sake of keeping up their presence on Spike TV, but I would have rather TNA and Spike had opted not to air anything this week instead of this show. This was all the bad that TNA is recognized for, with almost no good.

I'd like to thank Rob for his help on this one, and until the next Impact folks, this was A Brace for Impact. Brace yourselves for next week, I know I'll be foraging for liquor much like a squirrel forages for nuts.