The RAWtopsy 12.29.08

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 12.30.2008

Now get down there and shine my shoes, Virgil 2.0!

by J.D. Dunn

December 29, 2008

Live from Manchester, N.H..

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.

Rey Mysterio calls out Shawn "Spare Change?" Michaels for costing him the win last week by slapping JBL. Shawn has fallen on hard times, in case you missed it. Rey says he understands all that, and all he really wants is a match with Shawn with the winner moving on to the "Race to the Rumble" match. Shawn accepts, but JBL interrupts and reminds everyone that Shawn is *his* employee, so that means he does what JBL says. Um, don't you mean he's an "independent contractor?" Don't want to be responsible for health care and dental. Rey pleads with Shawn not to sell his sole, or possibly soul, which would make more sense, but Mike Knox runs in and attacks Rey from behind. John Cena runs down and makes the save, though.

In the back, Randy Orton lays out a simple scenario, if you win, you're into "The Legacy." If you lose or are Samoan, you're out.

Cody Rhodes vs. CM Punk.
William Regal and Layla come down to observe. Just to observe. Not to interfere. Cody controls until Punk makes the spunky comeback to get out of a bearhug. Punk turns the word "suicida" into a near literal term as his face bounces off the announce table. Punk hits Cody with the knee but stops to discuss the dissolution of the Middle East Peace process in the wake of Israel's retaliation against Hamas, and the ref counts him out at 4:10. Yep, that's a real impressive crew Randy's got there. *1/2

In the back, IT'S MILEY! And she's offering to let John Cena do commentary tonight. John works in his Harry Carey impression… and comes up with an idea to make Raw not suck. Actually, his Jeremiah Wright impression as he's trying to convince her to let him wrestle is a lot better than his Harry Carey.

Goldust hands out X-mas presents to various WWE superstars, including a rather inappropriate one for Eve. Lawler says he didn't get anything from Goldust, but Rudolph left him a present on his roof.

Ha! Poop humor.

And now we catch up with Batista, who decided to have his hamstring worked on while he's out with a concussion. Excerpt from the post-op interview:

Batista: The doctor got about two inches from… there. I think it moved. It was imperceptible, but I felt it.

Batista also says he's been having dizzy spells and can't think straight due to the kick to the head he took from Orton. Um, there's a rule in wrestling: unless you're having the urge to kill your wife and kid, you walk it off -- and even then….

#1 Contender Diva Battle Royal
Your participants are Mickie James, Candice Michelle, Kelly Kelly, Katie Lea Burchill, Melina and Jillian Hall. I have no idea where Lillian thinks Mickie James comes from. Stick to the cards. Burchill tosses Candice early. Jillian tosses Kelly. Katie and Jillian team up against Melina, but that leaves Mickie to sneak in and toss them. It's down to Melina and Mickie. Melina backdrops to the apron and then knocks her off with a kick to the head at 2:47. Melina moves on to face Beth Phoenix at the Royal Rumble. *

Melina and Beth Phoenix get into it, but Beth's crazy, stalker fan Rosa jumps the rail and attacks Melina. Security hauls her off. Well, there's no law against repeating a female stalker angle twice. Remember, WWE Universe, all chicks are f***ing psychos… except Stephanie.

Btw, for those graphing on the "Vicki Mendoza Scale."

Chris Jericho is upset about being named the Jerk of the Year and tells us we're the jerks. OH SNAP, SON!

Sim Snuka comes out for his Legacy initiation match. Sim Snuka? Isn't that the lead singer of Jabba the Hutt's house band?

Jabba: And now, from the home office on Dagobah, the Top Ten Things Overheard in the Emperor's Chamber. Hooo hoo hoo hoo. Ha ha ha ha!

Sim Snuka vs. SuperHaas Charlie Snuka.
Snuka is unimpressed with Haas' impersonation of his father, so he jumps him. He goes to work on Charlie's arm, but Charlie comes back with the double leapfrog and flying headbutt. Haas' Superfly Splash finds the knees, though, and Sim finishes with the Fran Fooferaw kick at 4:08. Sim seems okayish in the ring, but I don't know that he really fits the Legacy. *3/4

John Cena, Rey Mysterio, Kofi Kingston & Cryme Tyme vs. Kane, Miz, John Morrison, Dolph Ziggler & Mike Knox.
JTG flusters Dolph Ziggler. Hi, I'm JTG, bitch! We take a break and come back to Kofi playing the face-in-peril. Rey gets the hot tag and cleans house before he gets caught in the wrong corner. Rey takes a beating before Cena gets the hot tag. It's pandelerium. Kofi and Cena hit their respective crowd-poppers, and Cena hits the FU on Mike Knox. Rey finishes Knox and his beard with the splash at 11:23. Nice little match over the last half. ***

Shawn Michaels reminds us that he's "Mr. WrestleMania," and he'll steal the show.

Kelly Kelly is lambasting someone for not calling her after "that one night." Turns out she's talking to Randy Orton who says she wasn't all that in bed and says he doesn't need the headache. Damn, if only there were some sort of previous indication that he might behave like an asshole.

Manu vs. Matt Hardy.
I think we see why Manu was expendable. He grabs a sort of sleeper with the arm trapped and holds that for a good, long while. Matt backdrops him over the top. Back in, Manu goes back to the hold. Matt gets fired up and hits the Side Effect, but Manu blocks the bulldog. Manu gives him a few avalanches, but Matt slips off his shoulder and hits the Twist of Fate at 7:48. Boring, and the fans were out of it. Matt rescued it somewhat by being able to fight from underneath in his sleep. *3/4

Mr. Kennedy talks about how real the weapons were on the set of his film.

Film.

Race to the Rumble: Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels vs. John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Chris Jericho.
Jericho and Shawn renew acquaintances. You know, you'd think that with all the times they've wrestled each other, Jericho would have his timing right on that hiptoss-get-shoved-by-opponent's-feet spot. We come back from the commercial to Jericho and Orton. It's actually the best exchange of the match. Shawn tags in and blocks a superplex. Picture-Perfect Elbow! VINTAGE HBK! JBL tags himself in and goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Jericho hits the Codebreaker. Shawn makes the save. Jericho turns JBL over into the Walls of Jericho, so Shawn tags himself in and superkicks him at 9:00. Can't Shawn just half-ass it like any other employee. The fans suddenly get behind Randy with an "RKO" chant, which is why I think it would have been interesting to keep the title on Jericho and do an Orton-Jericho match at the Rumble. It's not like anyone really cares about the title matches there anyway. Hell, Bob Holly got a title shot. Plus, they've already done heel vs. heel matches at the Rumble. Orton pummels JBL in the corner but stops for a breather, and JBL knocks him down. Orton Garvin stomps him and prepares to kick JBL's head in, so JBL tags out. Shawn blocks the RKO and goes into The Usual. Superkick and Orton's out at 20:13. Shawn comes face to face with the Shaw and begs not to have to humiliate himself by doing a job. I hear the same thing happened before WrestleMania 13. Man, if only he could get like one big payday, ya know. Like in a big title match. With someone that's really popular, like John Cena. Yeah, that'd definitely make him enough money to buy his way out of trouble. If only there were some way to make that happen. Hmm. Oh well. I guess there's not, so Shawn sacrifices himself, Jesus-like, to the Clothesline from Hell (I'm reading from McNew's report at this point because the damn show went over even the 15-minute window I set to record it. Get fucking clock management, Steph!). JBL "earns" a title shot around 25 minutes in. **3/4

The 411: Hey, if you like Shawn Michaels' sad puppy-dog face, this show is for you because he does it like three times. Manu is apparently gone from The Legacy… or maybe not. Michael Cole couldn't really make up his mind. Oh, and apparently, Kelly Kelly isn't that great in bed, which can only mean one thing… Orton wasn't doing it right. Anyway, not really into the "Shawn's fallen on hard times and has to work as JBL's butler" storyline, and that was most of the show, so – meh.