A Brace for Impact 01.15.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 01.16.2009

The Beautiful People sign on to be in Palin's Cabinet, two surprising returns and Steve Cook. One of these things should make you click the link.

Greetings, humanity! Welcome to A Brace for Impact, where two 411mania writers give you their real-time thoughts on the show as it happens. I'm your host Chris Lansdell, and each week a special guest will be joining me. Before we get to the guest, I've noticed from the comments section that some people don't seem to get the column, while some love it. Let me explain a few things about A Brace for Impact:

This is not a play-by-play report. Harrison does a fine job of that. This is more along the lines of the multi-person Instant Analysis we do for PPVs, but more spontaneous.

This is not meant to be a non-stop laugh-fest. It's to give you some insight into the thought process of the writers, which is especially important when it comes to a show like Impact which is often maligned.

We're pretty close to getting the format finalised. The chat comments will be genuine, off-the-cuff remarks around the match. At the end we talk ABOUT the match. It's working well so far and we're enjoying the feedback, so please keep it coming. With that said, here's this week's co-host...

The Man...The Legend...

Steve Cook!

Cook: Almost time for Impact!
Lansdell:Oh yay
Cook: CROSS THE LINE
Lansdell:You know, I'm starting to wonder why I complain about this show. It's actually getting better
Cook: Maybe you just like to complain. I know I do
Lansdell:We're internet wrestling journalists. Duh.
Cook: WHEN ICONS COLLIDE
Lansdell:HBK vs Sting?
Cook: I thought it was Piper vs. Hogan. Brother.
Lansdell:We do get a Kongtourage match though.
Cook: I heard the one at the PPV sucked balls. Not like ODB.
Lansdell:You heard correctly. You know what doesn't suck balls? The…

BANNER!


Thanks to Benajmin Colón from soulexo.com for the awesome banner!

MEM dressed for action

Cook: Why isn't Angle wearing pants?
Lansdell:He was checking out ODB's Angle
Cook: Yikes
Lansdell:This music is STILL pimp
Cook: It is catchy. However, I have a hard time believing that any of these guys would take a bullet for each other
Lansdell:Booker wouldn't even take one for Sharmell
Cook: Sharmell would take...what's the rating on this column?
Lansdell:I'll say R. Like Edge. Cos I want to be cool like the smarks. EDGE RULEZ!
Cook: OK…so i can talk about Sharmell taking it from Booker?
Lansdell:Oh sure
Cook: Good. Sharmell would take one from Booker!
Lansdell:Steve Cook, ladies and gentlemen. He's here all night.
Cook: The war's ending on Impact? How anti-climatic
Lansdell:And on the night that Bush says goodbye. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!
Cook: There's a certain amount of irony there
Lansdell:I wonder if Angle is going to let anyone else talk tonight
Cook: I would guess not.
Lansdell:LAX music? Hernandez cashing in?
Cook: Looks like it! Maybe it'll work out better for Hernandez than it did for Lethal, there isn't a PPV on Sunday
Lansdell:I didn't know he could talk. That wasn't bad at all.
Cook: And with better command of the English language than Homicide...not that that's saying anything.
Lansdell:So, chances he wins? Chances MEM interfere?
Cook: 0%, 100%
Lansdell:I wish I disagreed
Cook: But you can't.....THIS IS TNA
Lansdell:Shame, because he pops the crowd, has a great moveset and apparently can talk
Cook: But he's only ever been in TNA, which means he can't be the long-term solution.
Lansdell:He had a cup of coffee in RoH
Cook: Please don't remind me of that, he teamed with the Christopher Street Connection once
Lansdell:Hotstuff Hernandez
Cook: You can't trust a man who calls himself Hotstuff. Remember Eddie Gilbert?
Lansdell:I do. He was decidedly less trustworthy.

TNA World title match - Hernandez vs Sting

Cook: Man, Sting's let himself go.
Lansdell:Remember when the MEM were heels?
Cook: Yeah, but Sting's never really been a heel
Lansdell:He's bumping like crazy for Hernandez, nice to se.
Cook: Well somebody's gotta. It almost makes up for him looking like Mick Foley after Christmas dinner
Lansdell:WAIT. WHO THE FUCK IS THE REF?
Cook: Is that the Shane guy?
Lansdell:It is...the guy who was fired as a ref
Cook: HOLY LACK OF STORYLINE CONTINUITY BATMAN
Lansdell:They just took a steaming dump on it
Cook: You're not surprised, are you?
Lansdell:That's one thing they're normally good at, so yes I am. Tenay mentioned it was Sewell back as a ref, but gave no reason why.
Cook: Is it just me or does Hernandez's facial hair make him look like Perry Saturn?
Lansdell:Or Big Bully Busick's Latino cousin.
Lansdell:Hey look, a gang beatdown
Cook: My 0%, 100% prediction was accurate. How about Booker's friends not noticing the ref punking him out?
Lansdell:Plays nicely off the Booker-Sewell confrontation at Genesis. How about Homicide owning 3 former world champs?
Cook: For like three seconds
Lansdell:Well, until the fourth came in at any rate.
Cook: I'll have a fifth!
Lansdell:Where are the Front Line?
Cook: There he is. All one of him.
Lansdell:On the mat? WE WANT SUICIDE.
Cook: No we don't
Lansdell:OMG IT'S ONE MAN GANG! Oh, never mind. it's Ray with a Mohawk. And 30 extra pounds.
Cook: *rimshot* It's table time!
Lansdell:I smell swerve. Or, you know, not.
Cook: Kurt just got swerved through the table
Lansdell:AJ styles, the one-man army. Or was that Johnny Bravo?
Cook: When was the last time the mohawk was culturally acceptable?
Lansdell:Right around when Scott Steiner was last relevant

Winner: Hernandez via disqualification (MEM mugging)

Cook: I'll go two stars. Sting did some nice bumping for the big man, Hernandez got some nice offense in, but it was ultimately useless.

Lansdell:Hernandez looked not only stupid for cashing in when Sting was standing healthy in the middle of the ring, but also weak since Sting got a lot of offence and Hernandez did not dominate. He did well, and Sting sold like a mofo for him, but it needed more from Hernandez. We all knew the finish before it happened, so it didn't annoy me too much. Good idea but questionable execution means **¼

Team 3D in the ring

Cook: He didn't look as stupid as Brother Ray
Lansdell:Nobody looked as stupid as Brother Ray
Cook: Wow, Devon's got some balls.
Lansdell:Who asked for Devon to fight a singles match?
Cook: He did. Hey, I liked the Reverend D-Von
Lansdell:Why?
Cook: His music, mostly.
Lansdell:The thought of Devon in a high-profile singles match makes my teeth itch.
Cook: OH NOES RAY WANTS THE STINGER
Lansdell:Oh Jesus. Now my teeth are burning.
Cook: Brother Ray = Next World Champ
Lansdell:Brother Ray gets a title shot? Not Hernandez, not AJ, not even Rhyno, but Brother Ray?
Cook: They already got their shots.
Lansdell:I would rather watch ODB and Snitsky's sex tape than watch Brother Ray vs Sting for the title.
Cook: Ray's making some good points here
Lansdell:Indeed he is, and hopefully Sting responds by saying he doesn't get his hands dirty on midcarders. I'd mark.
Cook: Sting will respond by Kurt saying that Sting doesn't get his hands dirty on midcarders
Lansdell:That works too, as long as Sting nods to acknowledge it
Cook: Sting won't even be in the room
Lansdell:Sadly, that's probably true.

Palin shit

Cook: Good God is this nonsense still going on?
Lansdell:I'm afraid so
Cook: Kip James as the voice of reason? This is truly bizarroland
Lansdell:I just don't get WHY they are keeping this Palin shit on the air
Cook: Because somebody on creative thinks it's still culturally relevant. Of course, they are wrong
Lansdell:I know for a fact that someone from TNA creative reads all the web reviews of their shows
Cook: They must have a lot of free time, which makes sense because they aren't coming up with a whole lot of creative things.
Lansdell:It's creative, it's just BAD.
Cook: WALKER TEXAS RANGER ON DVD~! HOLY SHIT
Lansdell:Chuck Norris can make the Palin shit funny
Cook: Yeah, I wish I had a Walker Texas Ranger lever. Manliest Man: Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood or Kurt Angle? Or Don West?
Lansdell:Dolph Ziggler

Jarrett Update, Kurt is Hurt

Cook: I enjoyed the first Angle/Jarrett match, I'm sure this one was fine too
Lansdell:It was incredible
Cook: Jarrett got fucked up! I'm not sure what that first injury West said was, sounds like something Gorilla Monsoon would say
Lansdell:Please don't give us Steiner in a match in place of Kurt. That's like replacing a T-bone with stewing steak.
Cook: BUT HE'S THE BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY AND ALL THE FREAKS ARE GONNA CHECK OUT HIS PEAKS
Lansdell:Which are starting to erode. Angle wanting to fight despite being hurt is pretty face-ish, isn't it?
Cook: Yeah, but last week Lethal & Creed, who were faces last I checked, took advantage of an injured Robert Roode to win the tag titles
Lansdell:Vintage Russo~! What heel-face lines?

Palin shit recap, Palin and Dat Azz Squared in the ring

Cook: Speaking of which, a recap of this storyline? Why?
Lansdell:Because you touch yourself. Or more likely because they know nobody watched it after the first segment.
Cook: This isn't enough to make me stop
Lansdell:It's making me want to do it more. For the love of Fucking Fuckery of Fucktastic Fucks...she doesn't even LOOK like Palin
Cook: Do they know who won the election?
Lansdell:Velvet won my erection
Cook: "Palin" is one to talk about lack of makeup. And Angelina's from Canada! She can't be in the cabinet!
Lansdell:Shhh, don't let facts get in the way of a shite story
Cook: Taylor's one to talk about plastic & phony
Lansdell:OK, this is pretty much the only payoff to this bullshit I could have accepted. Palin is sneaking off in the background instead of beating them shitless and unleashing a Daffney scream, but at least they didn't give us a fake White House bit.
Cook: Probably a smart idea.
Lansdell:Someone tell Taylor what colour her hair is
Cook: Does Taylor know she's a blonde with fake boobs? Just curious
Lansdell:They played that really well, Love and Sky. Facial expressions were perfect.
Cook: A sliming? What is this, Nickelodeon?
Lansdell:WWE did it several times, and it was less fun
Cook: You just like seeing them in a little bit of mud
Lansdell:I was hoping they had signed their own releases or, better yet, a contract to appear in Hustler
Cook: We can only hope

Kong-Tourage speak, SoJo Rough Cut

Lansdell:KONG-tourage!
Cook: Lauren isn't SoJo's mom
Lansdell:Clearly. Sojo can talk too
Cook: Well, she's gotta do something. I bet she'd look so much cooler with something in her mouth though
Lansdell:GRAPE DRINK???? Why not say she had watermelon for dessert, just to complete the picture? TNA sets racial profiling back 10 years.
Cook: Um, sure…hey a Red Rooster sighting!
Lansdell:Seriously, a black woman saying she drinks grape drink?
Cook: What's wrong with that?
Lansdell:It's racial stereotyping. At least they said McDonald's and not KFC.
Cook: This whole group is a racial stereotype!
Lansdell:Khan and Saeed are hardly stereotypes, especially Khan.

Roxxi, Taylor Wilde and ODB vs. Sojourner Bolt, Riesha Saeed and Rhaka Khan

Cook: How bout Roxxi's tron video?
Lansdell:Missed it.
Cook: It was epic.
Lansdell:I used to like the shirt she wore when she was bald. No carpet, no drapes
Cook: Well I assume you'd have to shave your bush if you were a bald girl,
otherwise you'd just look silly
Cook: You've probably been with a lot of girls like ODB, right?
Lansdell:I hate ODB. I get the feeling she has more talent than she shows, but the uncouth lout gimmick never did anything for me.
Cook: Speaking of looking silly, how bout Raisha's outfit?
Lansdell:NINJA SAEED
Cook: She looks like a power ranger
Lansdell:So did MVP, he did OK. ODB looks like a nurse, a convict or a painter
Cook: I think ODB just got done from her day job as the school janitor
Lansdell:Rhaka Khan is a huge bitch, but she sucks
Cook: Taylor looks like a jogging MILF, and Rhaka looks like...a shitty wrestler
Lansdell:This match was doomed to be crap from the bell
Cook: Yeah, that's probably why we're spending it making fun of their outfits
Lansdell:Because making fun of their wrestling is too easy.
Cook: So how about a Knockout Street Fight that's working just like a tag team match?
Lansdell:With the ref trying to enforce the rules
Cook: Well, finally they figured out that there are no rules. It takes women a while to figure out tough things like that
Lansdell:I am NOT touching that one
Cook: What, is your wife reading?
Lansdell:At least Bolt can wrestle. I know Saeed is capable of so much more but for some reason she just hasn't shown it in TNA
Cook: I don't think they're necessarily all bad wrestlers, I don't think they're capable of good matches in this format.
Lansdell:Khan is bad. ODB is probably better than she's shown. FUCK I LOVE THIS MOVE! Voodoo Drop baby
Cook: So what was that supposed to hurt? Her butt?
Lansdell:Her neck dude. Did you not see her head tucked under Roxxi's arm?
Cook: Bah

Winners: Roxxi, ODB and Taylor Wilde via pinfall (Roxxi on Khan, Voodoo Drop)

Cook: I'm gonna call it a dud and move on. I can't rate a bad match that didn't use the stipulation for it anything higher than a dud. Maybe these girls can figure it out someday, but right now they've had two shitty matches in a row. Why did TNA book this match twice in one week?

Chris says:
This just felt disjointed. As Cook said, they can all wrestle (well except Rhaka Khan), but the format didn't help, they didn't use the stipulation and the timing was off. Also they had Rhaka Khan take the fall, which boggles the mind. I'll be generous with ½*, for the Voodoo Drop.

Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed vs. Abyss and Matt Morgan

Cook: I think JR would call Matt Morgan a by gawd hoss
Lansdell:Cole would call him a genetic phenomenon. 11 times a match
Cook: Or a controlled frenzy
Lansdell:So let's pretend we don't know that this match will end with Abyss and Morgan miscommunicating
Cook: The Lethal ode to WM VII attire was cool the first ten times I saw it. Dude needs more outfits
Lansdell:Indeed. SoCal must have been his seamstress.
Cook: Who can possibly communicate with Abyss? The man's a lunatic
Lansdell:James Mitchell could
Cook: Ah, another lunatic
Lansdell:Best manager of recent times
Cook: I like Mitchell, too bad he doesn't have much competition for that honor
Lansdell:Nowhere near enough. Alas.
Cook: How are we supposed to believe the two small fellers are gonna win?
Lansdell:They're not getting dominated at least
Cook: Nice bicycle kick by Morgan
Lansdell:Unless it's your jaw he's kicking.
Cook: He's a Creed, he should be fine. Unless of course he's facing a crazy Russian
Lansdell:Kozlov to TNA!
Cook: You want Creed dead?
Lansdell:Ummm.....no?
Cook: He would be if he faced Kozlov. And then Little Guido would have to defend his honor
Lansdell:This shit just writes itself
Cook: Pretty much, yeah
Lansdell:Morgan has some impressive tools. No homo.
Cook: Did you just call him a tool?
Lansdell:No, I most definitely did not. He's bigger than me.
Cook: Just checking
Lansdell:The two midgets are putting on a good show
Cook: Well how about that for a finish?
Lansdell:That was interesting. Innovative, even.
Cook: I guess Abyss never was the sharpest tool in the shed
Lansdell:He couldn't see through Lethal. And now here comes the breakup.
Cook: DISSENTION IN THE RANKS
Lansdell:Here come the Security Goon Squad for the TNA Staple pull-apart brawl!
Cook: I don't think they could hold them back if they really had to
Lansdell:Security is going to get hurt
Cook: Good. Damn security
Lansdell:That's cold man. They have families to feed in these tough economic times.

Winners: Lethal Consequences via pinfall (Lethal on Morgan, Abyss powerbombing Lethal onto a prone Morgan)

Lansdell:Well the finish was certainly something I hadn't seen before, and Lethal and Creed worked well against the mammoths. Their match against Beer Money should be quality. I'll go **½ because I enjoyed it.

Cook: Two stars...it was decent but nothing to write home about, and the commercial break took a lot out of it for me. The match at the PPV should be good, but Beer Money should go over.

AJ Styles vs. Scott Steiner

Cook: The Mickster!
Lansdell:The very angry Mickster
Cook: Jeez, he's pissed...did TNA already break him?
Lansdell:Vince is in his ear. Only this time, it's Russo
Cook: Maybe he should have yelled at McMahon like that
Lansdell:Here comes the worst replacement since Kute Kip
Cook: I need one of those chain helmets
Lansdell:That would be Baskin Robbins: 31 flavours of awesome
Cook: Speaking of awesome, here comes AJ!
Lansdell:The man is the next big thing in pro wrestling. He really does have it all.
Cook: Facing an old big thing in pro wrestling
Lansdell:He's going to have to carry this one though. Again
Cook: He should be used to it by now
Lansdell:Hopefully this MEM angle ends with Sting, Steiner and Nash retiring, so AJ in particular doesn't have a mammoth carry job to do every night.
Cook: Steiner smartly trying to ground Styles, that's good ring psychology
Lansdell:His brain still works, the body just won't react
Cook: That's the thing about Scott, he still wants to try hard and do good stuff, but his body's too broken down to allow it on most occasions
Lansdell:AJ's dropkick is better than even Orton's
Cook: What about Hardcore Holly's?
Lansdell:His WAS amazing, but still below those two.
Cook: Almost as amazing as the Dropkick Murphys
Lansdell:Poor little Baby Levesque
Cook: Not what I meant
Lansdell:Dude, where's your sense of humour tonight?
Cook: I enjoyed the comment thread for the firing of Simmons & Slaughter. You see that? 300 people saying DAMN!
Lansdell:Yes, it scared me. I was shocked at Slaughter
Cook: Yeah, I didn't like that firing at all. Big Sarge mark over here. Dude was a great worker for his size back in the day
Lansdell:Oh God yes, his top-rope shoulderblock was a picture
Cook: Speaking of which, a Styles kneedrop to bring us back. I love his kneedrops
Lansdell:It's a sign of AJ's abilities when even a simple kneedrop looks great. Steiner is pulling out the stops here too
Cook: That's why he's the BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY
Lansdell:ANOTHER botched move by Steiner, same as he did to Hernandez earlier.
Cook: Ow! Faceplant city
Lansdell:I presume that was meant to be a belly to belly
Cook: Maybe, you can never tell with a Steiner. Gee, Foley's doing a great job of enforcing
Lansdell:Looks like he had to enforce himself into those pants.
Cook: Well, I guess there's no DQs.
Lansdell:Wait, Foley couldn't remove the chair? Hebner couldn't?
Cook: Nah, that would mean he would have to do something
Lansdell:You know, this is good
Cook: It's a main event match! Will it save this show?
Lansdell:Yes, because TNA main events ALWAYS mean quality.
Oops, there goes the Sarcasmatron again.
Cook: Uh oh, that damn Hebner
Lansdell:So fragile. He might have burst his colostomy bag
Cook: Foley's great job as a guest enforcer continues. Hebner looks like he burst something. Perhaps a nut
Lansdell:Now what is the point of Styles kicking out there, after all that beating and a pipe shot?
Cook: For Steiner to MAKE HIM HUMBLE
Lansdell:That never gets old
Cook: Petey Williams? He's still alive?
Lansdell:So it would seem. The tide of the MEM-Front Line war is starting to turn.
Cook: Well, it's about time they got some wins after getting killed for the past couple months. But does it make sense for Petey to keep the Steiner look?
Lansdell:I dunno, if they have him cut a promo saying how he idolised Steiner and got screwed over, so he's keeping the look as a reminder to be careful who you choose as an idol? It would work.

Winner: AJ Styles: via pinfall (Pele following Petey-ference)

Lansdell:Another cluster, but it was good to see Petey Williams back. WIth Lethal and Creed, he had a great 2008 and hopefully will keep that up in 2009. Overall this worked very well for a Steiner match and of course AJ was his usual self. The right man went over too. It was enjoyable but not especially good, so **3/4

Cook: I'm going to go even higher than my Big Poppa Pump loving friend and give it three stars. Some good spots in there, I usually don't like the interference in main events but it worked in bringing Petey back into the fold with a purpose. I also kinda liked the Pele kick finishing a match, giving AJ another move that can be considered a finishing move.


Final Thoughts

Cook: As far as the whole show went...most of it was kinda crap. The good things were the bringing back of Petey & Brother Ray, and the main event. The bad things were...well, almost everything else. And I can't say I'm a big fan of Ray vs. Sting at a PPV. Can't see that bringing a huge buyrate

Lansdell:I'm almost going to parrot Cook here. Although nothing on the show stood out as great for me (unlike most weeks when there's at least one segment to make me mark out), there was a fair bit I hated. That said, the show just didn't feel like a bad show. I don't want to see either of the singles matches booked for the PPV, and I fear for AJ Styles as there's almost nobody for him to fight. I have no idea what's going on with the women's division, and we didn't see the X-Division this week. Hernandez cashing in and not winning the title could still trigger a push for him, which I think will work well. Morgan vs Hernandez has money written all over it.

Lansdellicious – Out.