411’s WWE No Way Out Report 2.15.09

Posted by Chris Lansdell on 02.15.2009

No Way Out is officially Rated R!


Greetings humanity! Welcome to 411mania's No Way Out report. I am your host Chris Lansdell, and I cannot wait to see Mike Knox's beard eliminate everyone except Cena. Ready to rock? Then...




WWE Title Elimination Chamber Match: Edge © vs. HHH vs. The Big Show vs. The Undertaker vs. Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jeff Hardy

WOAH. Jerk that curtain Taker! The good news is I can run to 7-11 and grab some more iced tea before he hits the ring. Be right back...

Yup, I was right. I can't believe that with an ECW title match on the card, they open with this. I guess they want to separate the two matches, partly because the Raw one will make this look awful and partly to prevent overload. Taker is locked in a pod, Show is out next. I literally cannot remember what he looked like with hair. Kozlov is next out. According to Small (in between sobs that Khali is not on the card), the guys in the Chamber are always eliminated in the order they come to the ring. With HHH next he may have a point. HHH stands in the corner with Show's pod and enrages the giant to the point that Show punches his pod. There's a joke there somewhere. Hardy's music hits and the pop is smaller than expected. Edge is now out without Vickie, thank the maker. Everyone's all nicely locked in but it will be Edge ands Hardy to start. Hardy goes straight for him with boots in a corner, a whip and a few flying forearms and Hardy is in control. A second whip is reversed and Edge hits a large boot for 2. NOW the crowd is loud for Jeff, but he is being choked on the ropes. Edge drops his weight on Jeff's back and gets a 2 count. Edge takes Hardy to the corner where Show waits, and Show is stationary and staring at both men. Great image. Edge mocks Show and whips Jeff over, Jeff avoids the charges and hits a headscissors. =Inverted atomic drop, doble legdrop to the nuts and a basement dropkick by Hardy. He goes for the Twist of Fate, Edge escapes and goes for the Edgecution, Jeff escapes and hits the Twist! Jeff goes to the top! Swanton MISSES! Edge charges for the Spear, Hardy catches him in a small package! 1...2...3!!!! What the fuck? HHH is laughing. Hardy has a short rest but here come the pretty lights and...Kozlov! Hardy charges right into the Bolshevik Boot. Shoulder charges by Kozlov iun the corner, Hardy gets his knees up to block one then goes up top...BATTERING RAM by Kozlov and Hardy is down. Now the steel comes into play as Hardy is pushed into the links. They are on the platform, Kozlov scoops Hardy into a body slam position and just runs him into the chains before depositing him over the ropes. 1...2...2.75! Kozlov mounts and pounds. He lifts Hardy onto his shoulders in DVD position, then drops him onto the top turnbuckle and lays in the headbutts. BIG kick by Kozlov and a fallaway slam. 1...2...no. It's pretty much got to be HHH next. Backbreaker by Kozlov gets 2 more, and now he's hugging him. No, that's a waistlock. My bad. Hardy fights out but is dropped by a shoulder block, followed by an elbow drop. Kozlov tries a running powerslam but Hardy slips out the back and dropkicks him from behind! Slingshot corner dropkick! 2 count for Hardy. Jeff hauls Kozlov up, Vladimir whips him to the corner but Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind! Cue the light show as both men are down...oh dear. Big Show is in. He goes straight for Hardy and throws him halfway to Raw. Headbutt to Hardy who stumbles into the clutches of Kozlov, who ties him up and headbutts him in the sternum repeatedly. Show is smiling as he picks up Jeff and hits a weak-looking punch (called "thunderous" by JR). JR seems to have learned the word "malignant" this week as eveything is malignant. Big slam to Hardy and it appears that Show and Kozlov are playing Top This. Kozlov with a slam now. Hardy tries another spirited comeback, but the forehead of Show cuts that short. Show hits a nasty chop to the chest of Hardy and swats him down. Show chucks Hardy to the corner and smacks him about, then turns around RIGHT INTO THE BATTERING RAM! Show went down like Enron stock! The two behemoths slug it out with Show getting the upper hand. Show tries a suplex but Kozlov blocks. The lights hit just as Show levels Kozlov with a clothesline...HHH! Jawjacker for Show! High knee for Kozlov! Show reverses a whip but HHH avoids the charge and HITS A SPINEBUSTER ON SHOW!!! Hardy is up! Kick and the Twist...no! HHH pushes him off and hits a huge clothesline! Kozlov charges, HHH low-bridges him and he goes to the platform. HHH tries to take Kozlov to the chains, Vladimir blocks and hits a knee, he charges at HHH but he moves and Vlad hits a steel corner support of the chamber head first! PEDIGREE ON THE STEEL! No! Show breaks it up with a big slap bringing HHH back into the ring involuntarily. Side Slam by Show gets 2 while Kozlov chokes Hardy in the corner. Taker is impatient, beating on the pod. HHH kicks Show in the gut twice, Show comes back with some big slaps. Kozlov with the shoulder charges in the corner to Hardy. Show has HHH goozled! Countered by HHH, he hits some shots and comes off the ropes RIGHT into a military press by Show! That's strength. Kozlov is still beating on Hardy, by the way. Show hurls HHH into the chains, Hardy has Kozlov down! Show squashes HHH into the chain, Hardy tries to attack Show from behind but Show catches him and rams him into HHH! He charges and both men move! Show to the chains! Double kick to the gut of Kozlov by HHH and Hardy! Hardy whips HHH, reversed but Hardy hits Whisper in the Wind again! Light show and it's Taker time! He goes straight for Show and pummels him down, then ducks an attack from Kozlov and pummels him! Snake Eyes! Big boot! Charging clothesline in the corner for HHH! Corner splash for Hardy! Goozle to HHH! Goozle to Hardy! Boot to Kozlov! Show ends the madness with a headbutt. Whip in, Taker ducks the clothesline and hits a leaping one of his own! He twists the arm of HHH, and goes for Old School...but jumps straight into Show on the steel platform...and Show has him goozled! Chokeslam COUNTERED into a DDT! Damn, right on the steel. Taker finishes the interrupted Old School then takes Hardy down before being levelled by Kozlov. Body shots in the corner by Kozlov, he climbs to the second and hits elbows to the top of Taker's head. I smell a Last Ride. Yup, there it is. 1...2...3! Kozlov is gone, that's his first pin in WWE I believe. Chokeslam to Taker by Show! HHH sets for a Pedigree but Show reverses and sends HHH to the steel! Press slam to Hardy and throws him into HHH on the steel! Show looks dominant tonight. HHH is thrown to the chains by Show. Hardy with a couple of kicks, Show tries to throw him to the chains but Hardy just grabs them and climbs to the top of a pod! Show reaches through the top and crotches him!!! Show goes up after Hardy but Taker follows...last time someone did this the ring broke! SUPERPLEX! Show is down! PEDIGREE to Big Show! I smell Swanton from the pod...so does the crowd...GOD DAMN he nailed it! 1...2...3! HHH gets the pin on Show! Whip to Hardy, he tries a third Whisper but Taker moves. HHH lays the shots to Taker, Taker counters and throws him into the corner and hits some body shits. HARD whip by Taker and HHH goes over the top to the steel! Taker goes for Old School on Hardy, but HHH reaches up from outside and crotches him! Hardy up...POETRY IN MOTION off Taker's back into HHH on the steel, driving him to the chains! What the...HOLY FUCK Taker grabs Jeff from behind and hauls him up for a Tombstone...connects! Three is elementary and we're down to Taker-HHH. We get a replay of the Tombstone and Hardy bounced. HHH and Taker face off, HHH charges and Taker gets a boot up. Taker has HHH in the corner with some heavy body shots. Headbutt by Taker. He backs up and charges...HHH moves! Taker crotches himself again. Well on the replay it looks more like he hamstrung himself. HHH takes Taker to the chains then...goes up top? Caught in a goozle! Chokeslam! 1...2...2.91!! Whip by Taker, he charges into a HHH boot, HHH charges and gets caught in a snake eyes! HHH with a spinebuster out of nowhere! 1...2...2.87! Taker goes to the steel platform again, HHH gains control and rams Taker to the chains! Pedigree set up...countered! HHH gets catapulted to the chains! Tombstone try! Countered by HHH! NO COUNTERED BY TAKER!!! Tombstonbe! 1...2...2.99874!!!!! HHH gets his foot on the rope!~!!! Fuck me senseless and call me Paris. Has anyone but Kane kicked out of that? Well, Hogan did. Probably. HHH is hauled up, KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! 1...2...2.98865! Jesus. Just end the PPV after this, it can't get better. They exchange rights, Taker wins the exchange. Whip reversed, Taker to the corner hard. HHH climbs up with the rights but Taker again goes for the Last Ride...No! HHH out the back! KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! 1...2...3!!!!!

Winner, and NEW WWE Champion: HHH by pinfall (Pedigree)

Taker looks back at HHH but decides to let him live. HHH poses.

Edge is begging Vickie to restart the match, she puts him in his place then backs down.

Video package for Orton-Super Shane, followed by an Orton promo. How's your father Shane? Propped up in bed with Linda, praying that their only son will avenge him. It's not going to happen. Vince is going to be completely helpless for the first time, watching his only son cry as Orton takes him apart piece by piece. Blah blah blah, main event WrestleMania. I can't decide if that was intense or wooden.

No Holds Barred Match: Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton

He hears voices in his head, they counsel him, they understand. I would buy that whole album just for this song. Orton is out solo and teases THE Pose before just standing on the ropes looking for gym bags in the crowd. You should have went before you came out, Randall. Here comes the money, dance and all! Stephanie is in the back watching.

Bell rings and Shane does not charge. Boo. Shane sticks and moves a couple of times, his punches look FAR better tonight. Not a tough task. Orton learns his lesson and catches Shane with a kick to the gut and then just beats him down with forearms and clubbing blows. Shane comes back with body shots and now to the jaw. Orton to the outside and Shane nails a baseball slide! PLUNDAH TIME~! He got the tables! And a garbage can! He should pull out Hornswoggle, look confused and then smack Orton with Hornswoggle. Shane spent too long fetching weaponry and Orton catches him with a stiff knee. Orton drives Shane back-first to the apron then rolls him in. Very slow, deliberate start to this. BIG back suplex by Orton and he's after the turnbuckle pad. Whip to the exposed turnbuckle and Shane is down. Kicks to the back by Orton, he looks in no hurry to win this one. Shane is unceremoniously kicked to the floor. Orton leans through the ropes to get him, HE HAS A KENDO STICK! Wham! Wham! Wham! Shane is in the ring now wearing Orton out with the stick and still selling the back. HOME RUN SWING to the ribs of Orton who goes to the outside. Shane follows with a big clothesline! He's demolishing the announce table...MONITOR SHOT TO THE HEAD! Unprotected and Orton is bleeding hardway. Orton is either out on his feet or selling beautifully. Shane dumps him on the table and gets in the ring. He climbs the ropes... LEGACY are out! They put a beating on Shane, DiBiase stays on him while Rhodes fetches a chair! DiBiase holds him, wonder what's going to happen...SHane turns around and DiBiase gets the chair shot! DDT on the chair to Rhodes! Shane sets Cody in the corner, we get a shot of Orton and the man is in a mess. The garbage can is set up and Shane goes up...VAN TERMINATOR! Orton is still out on the table, Shane goes up! Elbow MISSES! Orton moved! He still looks out of it. We get a replay of the Van Terminator, find me one man Shane's age who can hit that move. Orton back in the ring, he orders DiBiase to take Rhodes to the back and make sure he is OK. Nice touch. DiBiase asks if he is sure, Orton suggests haste. Shane is trying to get back in, Orton has evil in his eyes. He crabs him coming through the ropes and hits the rope-assisted elevated DDT. 1...2...no! Another cover, another 2! Hooks both legs, 2 more! Orton is eyeing the table, he brings it in the ring and this could get uglier. He sets it up near the corner and perches Shane on the top turnbuckle. Right hands to Shane, Orton climbs up with him and sets for a superplex...CONNECTS! Mother of Mercy. Orton stomping now. 2 count for Orton. He's setting uup for the punt! Here it comes SPEAR BY SHANE! Shane crawls for the chair as Orton struggles to get up...shot to the back by Shane! Shot to the ankle! For some reason Randy is holding the knee. Another shot to the ankle! Orton is on his knees begging, Shane ignores him and smacks him sideways! Shane is measuring Orton...could he want the punt? He charges RKO FROM NOWHERE! DAMN he got some height on that! 1...2...3? Really?

Winner: Randy Orton via pinfall (RKO)

45 min in no update no comments updated yep lansdell is a prick

Posted By: Guest#0478 (Guest) on February 15, 2009 at 08:46 PM

That's because the match went 40+ minutes. Thanks for reading!

ECW Title Match: Finlay vs. Jack Swagger ©

I am ready to anoint SWAGGA as the Next One should he put on a good show here tonight. He seems to have all the tools. Finlay's music and hat, on the other hand, make him LOOK like a tool.

Finlay with an early takedown and right into a single leg crab???! Hey, remember when that was a finisher? Swagger tries for the ropes but Finlay drags him back and stomps on the knee. Variation of the single leg crab now, and another stomp to the knee. To the corner and more kicks to the leg by Finlay, he charges but Swagger moves and Finlay headbutts the turnbuckle. Arm wringer and knee strikes by Swagger, then a key lock. SHOULDER BREAKER by Swagger gets 2. Don't see that often. Swagger now locks in a cross armbreaker! Hey, remember when that was a finisher? Finlay with a great counter to a headlock, but Swagga rolls through into a hammerlock, stomps on the arm and back to the cross armbreaker. Clubbing shots to the arm, he tries another shoulder breaker but Finlay out the back door and into the reverse DDT backbreaker for 2! Swagger quickly regains control by driving Finlay to the corner. Swagger charges, Finlay ducks down so Swagger backs off, charges again but Finlay goes up and over into a rollup! Swagger's shoulder is not down so the ref won't count. Again Swagger back in control. The crowd are not into this AT ALL, which sucks because it's a good match. Finlay perched up top, Swagger goes up with him but Finlay pushes him off! Kick to the ribs by Finlay followed by a short-arm clothesline. Finlay goes to the second rope, Hornswoggle tries to help but Finlay sends him away...crossbody by Finlay gets 2. Series of clotheslines by Finlay, ass drop gets 2. Dammit shut up Seattle, this is not boring. Finlay set for the Finlay Roll, Hornswoggle is on the apron! Finlay pauses long enough for Swagger to escape and push Finlay into his son! Horny is down! Horny is down! Kick to the back by Swagger...DOCTOR BOMB almost kills Finlay! 1...2...3!

Winner, and STILL ECW Champion: Jack Swagger by pinfall (Doctor Bomb)

Cole and King tell us that Shane is in and out of consciousness and is on his way to hospital.

Video package for HBK-JBL.

All or Nothing: Shawn Michaels vs. JBL

JBL out first, without limo. We get a shot of Whisper, err Rebecca in the crowd. JBL still looks like Harrison Ford. HBK gets the pop of the night and looks to have some of his fire back.

Lock up and JBL backs Shawn to the corner and tells Shawn he only needs to make one mistake. Again JBL backs HBK to the corner, he tries the trash talk again and HBK explodes! JBL flees to the outside and has a big grin on his face. HBK charges and JBL hands him a chair! Smart. HBK drops it and attacks hard, then throws JBL back in. HBK is caught coming in with a clubbing blow, whip by JBL, he drops his head and HBK tries for the sunset flip, JBL sits down and gets the 2. Backslide by HBK gets 1 only before JBL rolls through and levels HBK with a shoulder block. Elbow drop gets 2. Scoop by JBL, Shawn escapes out the back and hits a chop block. Figure 4! Seattle whoos but JBL is in the ropes. HBK breaks at 4. Crossface! Cole calls it "submission maneuver". JBL rolls through it and gets a 2 count. Big chop by HBK, whip reversed and Michaels gos up and over and out to the floor. JBL follows and drives his back to the apron, then rolls him back in. Shot to the back and a sextuplet of elbow drops gets 2. Short-arm clothesline gets 2 more. Big rights in the corner by JBL and a kick to the head, HBK is dazed. Whip to the corner and a bear hug by JBL. Rebecca, honey, it's called a tanning salon, not a toaster. Jesus. Shawn finally escapes the bear hug, whip by HB reversed but AGAIN JBL drops his head and Shawn hits the neckbreaker! Both men are down, Shawn hits the inverted atomic, a chop and another inverted atomic! Whip reversed and HBK does the Flair bump, JBL puts Shawn on the top, goes up with him and sets for the superplex... Shawn fights it...JBL falls! Elbow drop maybe? JBL moves! Scouting 101! CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! 1...2...2.71! Well now. JBL measures HBK...hits a SECOND Clothesline from Hell! Michaels is dumped to the outside and JBL watches the ref count. HBK in at 9. JBL takes offense to that and hurls him over the top. JBL with the trash talk to Rebecca now! SLAP by Rebecca! Isn't that a DQ? HBK is incensed now! Flying forearm! Kip Up! Mounted punches! VINTAGE MICHAELS~! Scoop slam, HBK heads up...elbow! Strike up the band, we're going home! Sweet Chin Music! 1...2...3!

Winner: Shawn Michaels via pinfall (Sweet Chin Music)

Rebecca is happy. Her mascara is running, bitch don't know about Revlon. Now she can get extra minutes at Tan-Me-Rite!

Jericho is with Todd. He's the best at what he does, so he's going to win. Then he's going to challenge Flair to come out of retirement. Whatever. While they reconstruct the chamber we get Cole bleating about percentages.

World Title Elimination Chamber Match: John Cena © vs. Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Kofi Kingston vs. Mike Knox vs. Kane

Just to mock me, Cena comes out first. Knox seems to have had his beard trimmed, which will doubtless make Larry cry. I keep expecting him to say "I'M ROBBY!". That or show up on Impact. Kane is next and does nothing special. What sort of world do we live in when Taker jerks the curtain and Mike Knox and Kofi Kingston are in the main? Not so fast on the Kofi, EDGE IS HERE!!! He beats the shit out of Kofi, CONCHAIRTO!!! Rey is out to check on Kofi, meanwhile Edge has locked himself in a pod! Let's go to Blaccu-Weather meteorolgist Ollie Williams in the middle of Black History Month to get an update on Kofi. Ollie?


DAT BRUTHA DEAD!

Thanks Ollie. Now this!

Rey is going nuts on the locked pod as Jericho casually strolls down to the ring. Well I guess we know who wins this now. I just wonder who gave Edge the authority to enter himself in the match. It's going to be Rey and Jericho to start. Nobody seems to care that Edge has entered himself. Headlock by Jericho, he takes Rey down but Rey gets back to his feet and pushes Jericho off, Rey is taken down with a shoulder block. They run the ropes, monkey flip by Rey. Headscissors by Rey puts Jericho in 619 position, but Jericho moves so Rey springboards into a somersault senton to the steel platform! Rey clotheslines Jericho back into the ring, hits some forearms and goes for a whip. Rey charges and FUCK ME UPSIDE DOWN SIDEWAYS AND BACKWARDS Jericho moves and you could hear the crunch as Rey hit the pod! Delayed suplex by Jericho gets 2. Chinlock by Jericho, Rey battles out and tries to charge but gets lifted over the rope to the steel. Catapult to the chains by Jericho but Rey pulls a Jeff Hardy and climbs the chains! He's hanging off the roof! Headscissors from the roof of the chamber! Slingshot senton gets 2. Wheelbarrow into a bulldog by Rey! Here come the lights and...Kane!

Boot for Rey. Big shot for Jericho and Kane goes to stare at Edge? Jericho jumps on Kane's back but gets tossed. Rey ducks a clothesline and gets hit by a side slam. Shots in the corner from Kane to Jericho, stiff ones too. NICE basement dropkick to Rey gets 2 for Kane. Jericho attacks from behind and has control over Kane now, but Kane blocks a right and hits some of his own, then clotheslines Jericho to the steel. He drops Jericho knee-first to the steel. Wow I bet that sucks. Rey nails Kane from behind and does some damage to the big man. Baseball slide sends Kane out to the grating. He tries to follow but eats an uppercut from Kane. Whip by Kane, he charges straight into Rey's boot. Tilt-a-whirl reverse DDT by Rey! Jericho tries a Lionsualt and misses! Kane charges Rey but eats turnbuckle on a drop toehold! Another one for Jericho! Dial it up...wrong number! Goozle to Rey! Goozle to Jericho, he pushes Jericho off but Rey escapes! 619 to Kane! Codebreaker to Kane, but nobody goes for the pin! Rey backdrops Jericho to the grating then climbs the pod! SENTON FROM THE TOP OF THE POD TO KANE!!! 1...2...3!!!! Kane is gone! Here come the lights...MIKE KNOX! Huge boot for Rey and another for Jericho! Avalanche to Rey in the corner, scoop slam and a big kneedrop to Jericho gets 2. Kick to the ribs of Rey. Jericho tries to fight back, Knox takes control but gets sloppily backdropped to the steel platform. That was ugly. Jericho tries the triangle dropkick but Knox catches him and slams him to the chains. Rey is inching up behind Knox he jumps on Knox's back but gets thrown upside down into the chains and he is caught in them! That could hurt. Rey manages to free himself while Knox slams Jericho to a pod, then press slams him over the ropes and back into the ring. Knox's domination segment is better than Kozlov's so far. Rey tries to fight back but a kick to the gut ends that. Charge to the corner, Rey gets a foot up but Knox catches it! Backbreaker into the Knox Out...NO! Codebreaker! 1...2...3! Knox is gone! Jericho with shots to Rey as we get the light show...EDGE! REY COMES INTO THE POD AFTER HIM! Shades of last year's No Way Out! Slingshot crossbody by Rey! He runs the ropes and gets LEVELLED by a clothesline out of left field by Jericho! Back suplex by Jericho. Edge attacks Jericho, who fights back with a whip and a bulldog. Jericho goes after Rey, who hits some forearms before running into a back elbow by Jericho. LIONSAULT finds nothing but Rey's knees! Edgecation from behind gets 2 on Jericho! Whip by Edge to Rey, he hits the turnbuckle chest-first. Edge is set for the Spear, Rey avoids it! Codebreaker blocked and Jericho lands on his head! Rey has Edge in position for the 619 but Jericho with a Spear of his own! Jericho takes Rey to the corner, pulls him to the top rope but Rey fights it. Jericho is leaning against the pod, Edge climbs up behind Rey...TOWER OF DOOM! Rey eats the German, Edge gets sunset bombed. All 3 men down and it's almost Cena Time! Edge tosses Jericho over the top to the grating, and Edge turns slowly as Cena is free! Shoulder block! Clotheslines! BELLY TO BELLY for Edge! Fisherman release to Jericho! Bulldog to Edge! Clothesline to Jericho! Protobomb! He's a House! En! FUEGO~! You are unable to visually perceive him! Attitude Adjustment to Edge...no
! Codebreaker!!! 619!!! Spear!!! 1...2...3!!!! CENA IS GONE!!!

Even Edge looks shocked. Rey with a dropkick to Edge, whip to Jericho reversed and Rey counters a flapjack to a headscissors. Another headscissors to Edge, dropkick to Jericho and both are in position! Edge moves, 619 to Jericho! Edge charges, Rey moves and Edge hits the pod! Springboard senton to Jericho...NO!!! Countered to the Walls! Awesome! Wait, the counter is countered to a rollup! 1...2...3!!! Jericho is gone!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TONIGHT???

Edge is measuring Rey for the Spear! Rey is in the opposite corner, he moves! Schoolboy!!! 1...2...2.97072!!!!! Seattle is crazy behind Rey. Springboard crossbody by Rey! 1...2...2.888! Boot by Edge, he tries a sunset flip but Rey rolls through! TAJIRI BUZZSAW KICK!!! 1...2...NO!!! Holy shit! Smackdown Six all over again. Whip by Rey reversed, Rey tries a springboard but Edge catches him! Rey spins around into a DDT! 2 more!!!!! Rey is going back to the top, Edge knocks Rey off and he hits the steel hard. Edge goes for a powerbomb on the grating! COUNTERED TO A FACEBUSTER ON THE STEEL! Reverse 619!! Right to the back of the skull! Edge is still outside though. Both men are staggering, Rey charges and EDGE LIFTS HIM HIGH AND INTO AND THROUGH A POD! HOLY FUCKING FUCKERY OF FUCKTASTIC FUCKS! Rey is dead. Edge is set for the Spear...connects! 1...2...3!!!

Winner, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Edge via pinfall (Spear)

Edge celebrates with the title as we go off the air. Odds this holds up tomorrow night?