411’s WWE Smackdown Report 03.06.09

Welcome to 411’s Smackdown Recap! I’m Steve Cook, and I’m not even supposed to be here today. But with JP II out of town and the rest of the 411 staff busy with actual lives (theoretically), Csonka’s enlisted me to waste away another Friday night watching WWE’s B-show. I’d rather be at the bar getting my drink on or even watching Dollhouse (I’ve had a crush on Eliza Dushku for almost a decade…what about it?), but instead I’m at home drinking bourbon and watching wrestling. And people wonder why I’m so gosh-darned negative.

But it’s all good, my friends. Because for this episode I am joined by none other than my best Internet friend, the Voodoo Penguin! So let’s kick back, drink a beer, and watch some Smackdown!

Cook: Last week it seems that Big Show beat John Cena. I was at the bar getting drunk at the time, so I’ll take their word for it.

Penguin: I already don’t remember if I watched last week’s smackdown or not…probably not a good sign.

Cook : And then there was a Cena/Edge match on Raw with a shocking DQ finish and no pop for the Big Show being announced #1 contender. Not that either of those two developments were too shocking.

Penguin: Am I the only one who really despises the smackdown opening video and song?

Cook: I’m torn on it…some parts are cool, some are kinda lame. Live from the Mohegan Sun Casino it’s JR & Tazz and a contract signing with Edge & Big Show!

Penguin: I wonder if contract shenanigans ensue?

Cook: Quite possibly. Here comes the Undertaker!

Undertaker Promo!

Cook:So how much of a chance do you give HBK against Taker at WM?

Penguin: Not a whole freaking lot.

Cook: I agree. Undertaker seems impressed that HBK would fight to face him, since usually people try not to do such things. Or maybe not.

Penguin: Undertaker is angry, and HBK won’t like him when he’s angry.

Cook: He chooses WM as the night to show people who he is and what he represents. That’s the definition of a big-game player. Big shock: UT accepts the challenge. Hey, it’s a highlight video!

Penguin: I didn’t even realize it was a challenge that needed accepting.

Cook: Well, when you think about it, it was never really set in stone…..JBL made the challenge, HBK came out and said he wanted to make the challenge, they fought over who would challenge Taker, then Kozlov wanted to challenge Taker. I guess they all just assumed Taker would accept, which was a safe assumption.

Penguin: Kinda hard to be a zombie who runs from challenges. Nice video documenting HBK’s history at Wrestlemania there. Even though his win/loss record isn’t the best.

Cook: Taker says Shawn is clever, but he’s chosen the wrong person to play mind games with. HBK is an icon, but Taker points out that he’s still 16-0. The time for prayer has just begun! Good line.
UT says sometimes it’s hell trying to get to heaven, and then they play his music. Taker’s a pretty underrated promo guy, I’d say. Probably because he spent a long time not talking much.

Penguin: When he talks it actually seems more important that way. I approve.

Cook: I think a lot of people would benefit from that strategy.

Penguin: Hey look, the Hardys will both be in action trying to get into Money in the Bank tonight! Isn’t that spiffy

Cook: But not with each other, which is either good or bad…I’d like to think they can do better stuff now than they did the one time they faced each other many moons ago.

Penguin: I’ve blocked that from my memory.

Cook: Can’t say that I blame you. Vickie Guerrero is backstage and talking on the phone to…somebody. Vickie asks Jeff not to interfere in Matt’s match while trying to plant the idea in his head that he should. Or at least that’s how I’m seeing it.

Penguin: Jeff won’t fight his brother. It’s like Undertaker and Kane minus a couple feet.

Cook: Pretty much. It’s the controversial Matt Hardy, and he’s got something to say. This could be a very bad thing. He says Jeff is running from his problems but can’t run from him. He plans on getting his hands on Jeff at WrestleMania and destroying him and six others on the way to winning a briefcase. He’ll cash it in and become a world champion. And then I’ll become the Queen of England.

Penguin: Matt’s got it all planned out…but it looks like MVP might have other plans for him.

Cook: Yeah, MVP’s pretty popular with the crowd these days. I’ll tell you what, either of these guys would be a step up from Kane & Henry.

Match 1: Money In The Bank Qualifier
Matt Hardy vs. MVP

Cook: Some mat wrestling to start. It does say wrestling on the marquee, I think.

Penguin: MVP gives a clean break, becaues he’s a face now.

Cook: Hardy with a nice right hand….clothesline in the corner, MVP with a drop toe hold…tried his finisher, way too early for that, but MVP does some taunting as we go to a commercial! I hope this match doesn’t get neutered as badly by the commercial as Impact’s matches typically do.

Penguin:I love how instead of seeing MVP and Matt Hardy we instead get treated to an Enzyte commercial.

Cook: You lucky dog, I got no Enzyte commercials! But during the break, Matt gained the advantage with some rope related moves. Matt’s working the headlock now…to a front chancery…MVP with a very brief flurry but Matt responds. Honestly, I probably shouldn’t bother as much with the play by play, Dunn does very little and he’s over huge. MVP comes back while JR plugs his BBQ restaurant.

Penguin: I say just do it however you feel the best

Cook: Funky clothesline by MVP gets 2 Man, Matt’s punches are looking good tonight. BALLIN ELBOW!

Penguin: MVP is ballin!

Cook: rollup by MVP gets 2…Side effect by Matt. Looks like he’s calling for his finisher…but MVP rolls thorough for a 3 count! Nice!

Winner: MVP

Penguin: Matt looks stunned!

Cook: As he should be, MVP had a really long losing streak, but he’s pulled it together in the last 10 games and now he’s in the NCAA Tournament! Oh, wait a minute, I’m mixing up my sports. Jeff vs. Shelton later, that should be a good one

Penguin:Yeah, Jeff and Shelton should deliver. I just wonder if there will be any shenanigans involved from the elder Hardy.

Cook: Well, he’s certainly gotta be in a bad mood after losing to MVP, so I would be shocked if there weren’t some shenanigans. After all, he did say he wanted to get his hands on Jeff at WM…

Match 2:
Maryse vs. Eve (w/boobs)

Cook: Michelle is none too impressed with Eve. Tazz puts over Michelle’s finisher.

Penguin: Mrs. Penguin is not a fan or Maryse.

Cook: Neither is Eve, it seems, as they stumble through some moves but Eve finally hits something and Maryse goes outside.

Penguin: It’s like it’s in slow motion…and i’m wishing I had a fast forward button.

Cook: Pretty much. I’m a fan of women’s wrestling, but this is…not the best example of women’s wrestling. Maryse with the camel clutch! MAKE HER HUMBLE!

Penguin:Eve attempts to break the hold by throwing elbows to the knee. Not exactly a brilliant idea.

Cook: Well, she’s trying. Elbow in the corner, Eve up top, misses a cross body…DDT by Maryse and it’s over!

Your Winner: Maryse!

Melina runs down and attacks, waking up the crowd! McCool goes to work on Melina now…way to put over the Raw champion

Penguin: Sorry I nodded off there. Didn’t miss anything did I? Oh contract signing is NEXT!

Cook: Gee, I can’t imagine why the segment would end with Michelle McCool standing tall over the two women champions. *whistles and twiddles thumbs*

Penguin: Because her bangs are on the creative team?

Cook: Well, it’s got something to do with banging…I’ve said too much. You think I wanna piss off Undertaker?

Contract Signing!

Cook: Shoot to Thrill is not on the Black Ice album, you nincompoops. We come back, and Vickie is in the ring to present the contract signing.

Penguin: Vickie’s got hella heat.

Cook: I can’t deny that. Here comes the Rated PG Superstar! I miss his beard.

Penguin: His beard was rockin the house, for sure.

Cook: He’s not going to sign the contract. He thinks Vickie & Big Show have a deal. That would be the most disturbing mental image of all time, wouldn’t it?

Penguin: That would require extra bracing for the bed.

Cook: Well, that’s what Edge is claiming happened. That would have to be one big bed, that’s for damn sure. He asks why Vickie chose the Big Show, so of course he comes out.

Penguin: Big Show’s looking very dapper tonight.

Cook: Yeah, it’s like he’s out on a date or something. Wait a minute..I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Big Show says Edge isn’t a good champion because he’s the ultimate opportunist. Wait a minute, did Michael Cole grow two feet? Big Show has no problem signing the contract, for the record.

Penguin: Decent sized “We want Cena” chant going.

Cook: Can you blame them? Edge puts over his accomplishments, says he’s faster, smarter and more talented than Show. Tough to argue that. He’s more of a man that Show could ever be. But before Edge can sign the contract……

Penguin: YABBA DABBA DOO or whatever it says…

Cook: THE FORMER CHAMP IS HERE! And he’s going to town on Show & Edge! He hits Edge with the table!

Penguin: Commerce is increasing!

Cook: Indeed! Vickie cowers in the corner…Cena whispers in her ear…is it a careless whisper? Well business has definitely picked up in any event

Penguin: Vickie looks distraught. Perhaps John told her about MyNetworkTV’s woes.

Cook: Wow, I actually laughed out loud on that one.

Penguin: Hall of fame announcement following yet ANOTHER commercial!

Cook: Yeah, and it’s a hall of fame announcement we already saw. But I definitely support the induction of Cowboy Bill Watts, no doubt about it. Moments ago, things happened! So far we have Austin, Steamboat & the Funks…and here’s Watts

Penguin:I don’t think I’ve ever watched a Watt’s match. I remember him in authority roles, but never in ring.

Cook: Yeah, I’ve never seen him wrestle in his prime, but I support him based on his promoting abilities alone. I’ve been trying to get him in the 411 HOF for years. JR got his start thanks to Watts, so of course he’d induct him.

Penguin: I’ll lean on Larry for you. Meanwhile, in Vickie’s office, Edge is not happy with John Cena.

Cook: Vickie says the contract will be signed on Raw. Um, why can’t Edge find the contract and sign it right now?

Penguin: Keep your dirty logic out of my rasstlin!

Cook: I’m just saying…I don’t remember them televising the contract signing for the Jeff vs. Shelton match coming up next.

Match 3: Money In The Bank Qualifier
U.S. Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Jeff Hardy

Cook: We go back to WM 21, which had an ungodly high buyrate for reasons I’m still not sure of. And they probably won’t show much of the highlight of the show, Angle vs. Michaels. While I’m thinking about it, isn’t it insane how good a run Angle’s had in TNA despite everybody thinking he was on his deathbed when he left WWE?

Penguin: Not a big fan of Angle. Just doesn’t tickle my pickle the way he does everyone else. JEFF HARDY IS WALKING!

Cook: I like Angle, not gonna lie…but let’s talk about this match…on paper, this should easily be match of the night

Penguin: I hope they get some time before the inevitable shenanigans ensuee.

Cook: I’ve always been a Shelton fan, and Jeff’s picked up his game since his comeback. How long has he been US Champion?…seems like Shelton’s had that belt forever

Penguin: Good luck with the play by play…this could be fast.

Cook: yeah, that’s going out the window…suplex by Shelton gets 2, northern lights for 2!

Penguin: And shelton has had the belt 228 days according to Wikipedia. Nice northern lights!

Cook: Shelton is the Human Suplex Machine! Jeff misses and lands outside. JR is implying that Shelton would not be content with a countout win and wants to beat Jeff in the ring. But after that Air Hardy on the outside, I think Shelton should be content with any kind of win he can get.

Penguin: Amazing how both men just happen to be down on the outside as we have to go to ANOTHER FREAKING COMMERCIAL.

Cook: Yeah, as Peter Griffin would say, it really grinds my gears. Shelton working over Jeff as we come back…he got the advantage with a turnbuckle powerbomb…Shelton working over the back now…He’s picked a body part, like the Andersons used to do…Hardy with the wishbone…basement dropkick gets 2…Uh oh, here comes Matt! Whisper in the Wind! Matt distracting the referee…Twist of Fate, but Jeff pauses as Matt has entered the ring

Penguin: Matt just wanders into the ring. Can you do that?

Cook: Well…..apparently, as Matt punches Shelton and causes a DQ!

Penguin: In a brilliant move, Matt attacks Benjamin, costing his brother the match. Jesse Ventura would approve.

Cook: Indeed he would. I do not approve of that suit jacket. Blake Griffin had a similar one on as he watched OU lose to somebody, and I thought it looked ridiculous. Raw Rebound!

Penguin: I love how the assault charges are dropped because Orton decided to have a match.

Cook: Yeah, I’m not sure that’s how the American legal system works in most cases. I mean, I only have a bachelor’s degree in political science and only took a few law courses, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it usually works

Penguin: The old no touchy rule is in effect for the HHH and Orton feud.

Cook: Well, I don’t like Orton’s chances in any event, they actually played BOW DOWN TO THE KING, which I like

Penguin: He does have his legacy, that’s about is best chance. HHH and UMANGA are up next!

Match 4:
WWE Champion Triple H vs. Umaga

Cook: Indeed they are there’s actually still a bit of time in this show , which both intrigues and worries me

Penguin: You’ve still got entrances to deal with. We won’t have any action until fifteen til, I betcha.

Cook: Is it really worth bragging about breaking the ratings record on MyNetwork? Honestly?

Penguin: Those “did you know” things are annoying.

Cook: They are.

Penguin: 12 rounds preview, good, my beverage could use refreshing.

Cook: And I also didn’t account for movie plugging…so the main event will probably get five minutes…TIME TO PLAY THE GAME

Penguin: ’bout time they realized that a star like Umaga should always come out last.

Cook: Or they realized that the best time for a commercial would be during a HHH entrance

Penguin: Also very possible

Cook: remember when we saw him vs. Chris Benoit live and in person? I know we’re supposed to forget that Benoit existed, but he was in the match

Penguin: I do remember that. We were the only people there cheering HHH.

Cook: Yeah, and it turns out that we were right, by cracky! I knew something was wrong with Benoit when he wouldn’t slap my hand after the match

Penguin: Defiinitely an early warning sign.

Cook: yeah, I still feel bad to this day, I should have made a bigger deal of it in my TWTF recap. Maybe people would have gotten the message.

Penguin: You can’t keep blaming yourself you know.:

Cook: You know I can’t help it

Penguin: and we’re finally back with yet another recap of RAW.

Cook: Amazing. I blame Autozone. You know, it’s sad, but TNA has made me like Umaga more than Samoa Joe. How sad is that?

Penguin: Not sad at all. You like the better wrestler.

Cook: Well, we never saw Umaga in ROH, so I guess we’ll never know for sure. HHH working over Umaga early

Penguin: ROH fears Umaga

Cook: but Umaga with the upperhand, HHH with a clothesline, side kick to HHH, headbutt to the shoulder.

Penguin: This is turning into a donneybrook.

Cook: Big headbutt, legdrop gets 1, SUCK IT HULK! HHH coming back, but Umaga with a thrust to the throat, Umaga over the top! He’s holding that knee… IT’S THE LEGACY, UH OH. It’s HHH on 3

Penguin: That “no touchy” rule is out the window already.

Cook: Apparently so. Let’s throw storyline continuity out the window, it’s HHH vs Legacy right now. Man, the crowd pops whenver HHH gets some offense

Penguin: Shouldn’t HHH be going down sometime soon? This is about ridiculous.

Cook: He’s going down. You have to remember, Orton’s minions are rookies

Penguin: I guess that’s true..

Cook: Their offense isn’t nearly as good as other people’s. The only way Orton can make friends is through these rookkies that happen to have famous fathers. Uh oh THAT was a punt, now he’s calling off the troops.

Penguin: Orton tells his buddies to take a hike and now it’s just him and Hunter in the ring.

Cook: Well, that’s what he wants, theoretically. You know, I’m not too sure about this whole IED thing, to tell you the truth he’s measuring him…

Penguin: HHH drools for added effect

Cook: Orton decides otherwise

Cook: So, what did you think of that whole show?

Penguin: Pretty lackluster show really. We got some Hardy build and and the Jeff and Shelton match was good for what they were given with. Pretty obvious that HHH and Orton is the big thing going on at the moment.

Cook: You know, I gotta agree with that

Penguin: I am happy that we get a tag team rematch next week. that match was pretty awesome.

Cook :So they might have a better show next week? Well that pisses me off. Excuse me while I break a guitar over some people’s heads

Penguin: At least there might be a better recap to go with it:

Cook: Fair enough. For the Penguin, I’m Steve Cook. Good night America!

Penguin : So long, Toledo!