The Name on the Marquee: WWF Spectrum Wrestling (10.10.87)

Posted by Adam Nedeff on 10.22.2009

This review co-written by 3,000 or so restless fans in the lower level.

-It’s October 10, 1987.

-Your host is Dick Graham. He’s flying solo? Oh dear.

SAM HOUSTON vs. BARRY HOROWITZ
-Great choice of entrance music for Houston, who enters the ring while assuring us that he is, in fact, ready for some football. Okay, so it’s the original, un-football-related version of the song, but it still amuses me. I like how entrance music is still such a foreign concept to the Spectrum that punching it up delays Houston’s entrance for 30 seconds, and it continues playing well after the bell rings.

-Houston dances Horowitz into the corner. Hiptoss and a backdrop for the early advantage by Houston and he armdrags Horowitz into the ropes. Horowitz offers an angry-looking handshake and locks up with Houston. Horowitz takes a cheap shot at Houston’s gut, but gets armdragged right back down. He complains about hair-pulling and paces around for a while. Then he ducks into the ropes to stall, and that’s enough to get our first “Boooooorrrrring!” of the night. Philadelphia just couldn’t WAIT to do that.

-Houston cartwheels around Horowitz and catches him with a dropkick. Armbar by Houston while Horowitz complains about hair-pulling. Horowitz goes into the ropes to force the break and Houston does a chicken dance to bring Horowitz back to the middle of the ring, although like the Bluths, his form of chicken dancing suggests he’s never seen a chicken. You ever seen a chicken shake its hips?

-Houston connects with a bodypress for two and applies another armbar. Horowitz goes to the ropes to break and the referee kicks his leg off. How is it that no WWF referees seemed to get how to do that spot? You kick the ROPE, why is that so goddamn difficult to understand?

-Horowitz gets fed up and kicks Houston down, then heads up top, only to get crotched and snapmared off. Back to the armbar. Horowitz gets free and kicks Houston down. He stomps Houston again and again, then snaps his neck over the top rope, “interrupting his breathing.” Horowitz rakes the back and elbows Houston. He rams him into the turnbuckle and puts a knee to the back. Knee to the back and a double underhook suplex by Horowitz for two. Headbutt by Horowitz and suddenly Houston shows signs of life with punches. Horowitz quickly hits a neckbreaker for two. Cradle gets another two. A roll-up gets two. Headlock by Horowitz and Houston armdrags free. Snapmare by Horowitz and we go back to the headlock. “Booooooorrrrriiiinnng” returns for an encore performance and Houston gets free and collides with Horowitz for a double shoulderblock. Fistfight erupts. Houston wins that and dropkicks Horowitz. Irish whip and a forearm on the rebound by Houston. Bulldog is countered by Horowitz, but Houston simply applies it again and gets the three count. 0 for 1. Punchy and headlocky.

BRUTUS “The Barber” BEEFCAKE vs. DANGEROUS DANNY DAVIS
-“Greg” DeGeorge comes to the rescue on commentary, and just in time, because I don’t think Dick could adequately explain the subtleties of Davis’ wide arsenal of kicks and walks around the ring.

-Bell sounds and Davis immediately hides in the ropes to make Beefcake back off. Beefcake musses Danny’s hair, and Danny…takes a walk around the ring. Davis comes back inside and wants a test of strength, but when Brutus actually starts to do it, Davis backs off and takes a walk around the ring (#2). He goes back inside and Davis gets shoved on his ass by Beefcake. He complains about hair-pulling, and the referee believes him and yells at Brutus. Brutus knocks him on his ass again and Danny complains about it again. He hides in the corner while the referee makes Brutus back off, and Brutus gets fed up and rams him in the turnbuckle. Davis is so upset that he takes a walk around the ring (#3).

-Back in, Davis applies a side headlock. Brutus gets free and hiptosses him, following with a bodyslam. Davis is hurt and takes a walk around the ring (#4). Back inside, Beefcake takes Davis down by his hands and stomps on his knuckles for good measure. He threatens to make a wish on the corner and Davis goes to the eyes to counter. Davis chokes Beefcake and puts the boots to him. Beefcake fights back with a backdrop for two. Beefcake rings Davis’ bell and sends him out to the floor, like you actually have to force Davis to do that. Davis takes a walk as long as he’s out there (#5) and eventually gets slingshotted, slingshooted, whatever, back into the ring.

-Front facelock by Davis and he turns it into a choke, forcing a break by the referee. Beefcake starts to Beef up and faceplants Davis. Davis suddenly rolls up Beefcake for two. Beefcake gives him a kneelift and a punch. High knee gets the anticlimactic three-count. 0 for 2. Lemme tell you, Davis was in a position to write his own ticket at Wrestlemania III. He was THE most hated man in the WWF and could have made something of that, but instead chose to punch and stall his way to the bottom of the ladder until going back to being an anonymous referee within two years.

-Kal Rudman talks to Superstar Billy Graham. He brags about defying “critics, doctors, lawyers, Indians, and the banker man” by coming back to the ring after surgery. Shame on Roger Ebert, Julius Erving, Melvin Belli, the guy from “Parks and Recreation,” and George Bailey for ever doubting this legend.

-Slick & Butch Reed offer a rebuttal, saying Graham would still be champion if you could win matches by talking, but tonight, Reed plans on putting the hurt on “Super Small, Super Soft” Graham. Kal Rudman chastises Reed for “stirring up the monkeys.”

SUPERSTAR BILLY GRAHAM vs. “The Natural” BUTCH REED (with Slick)
-Match #3 on your card is the bout billed as tonight’s main event, so I hope you’re not holding your breath for a clean, decisive finish. Thanks to the on-top-of-things production crew in the Spectrum, Graham comes to the ring to “Jive Soul Bro.”

-Slick taunts Graham and Reed uses the opportunity to attack from behind. Graham fights back with punches and goes right to a sleeper to try and finish early, but Reed makes the ropes. As he does so, Slick hands him a weapon and Reed takes a free shot to Graham’s throat to take him down. Reed puts the boots to Graham and punches away before a time-out for posing. Reed starts targeting the hip with a series of kneedrops, then snaps Graham’s leg over the apron. Slick distracts the referee as Reed wails on the Superstar with a folding chair.

-Back in the ring, Graham starts to throw punches, but gets knocked back down and Reed goes back to work on the hip. Reed decides to go for a test of strength now that Graham is injured. Graham starts to show signs of life and manages to hold Reed down for a series of two counts. Graham knocks Slick off the apron and steals his hat, offering a strut while Reed recovers (from what?) outside the ring. Slick tosses a chair in the ring and Graham sits down and waves at Reed. Distraction tactics by Slick and Graham takes the bait, leading to another sneak attack by Reed. He chokes Graham with a chair, then heads up for the flying clothesline, but Graham catches him and pounds him down. Slick comes to the apron and Graham falls for it one more time, allowing Reed to get a few cheap shots with the cane, but that only gets two.

-Graham clamps on the bearhug and Reed goes to the ropes. Slick tries to take another free shot but hits Reed instead. Graham takes a shot at Slick, then heads back to Reed. Reed hooks his legs and Flair-pins him. 0 for 3. Graham’s arrow was way past “E” at this point. Graham demands that Reed come back, but Reed decides not to, surprisingly.

COWBOY BOB ORTON vs. SIVI AFI
-Hmm…I can honestly say I don’t know who’s going to win this one. Lock-up goes nowhere and Orton sweeps the leg for a stepover toehold. He turns it into a half-crab and uses the rope for leverage until getting caught by the referee. Afi reverses an Irish whip and Orton gets caught on top of the ropes. Afi punches him down and headbutts the abdomen. Roll-up gets two and Orton ducks out for a little rest.

-Back in, Orton gets caught in an atomic drop for two. Afi tries a front facelock as Dick Graham diplomatically acknowledges the “borrrrrrrinnggg” chant. I’ll admit that they’re being a little hasty with it, but still, hanging onto the front facelock FOREVER and remaining motionless is the wrong response to it. After two motionless minutes, Orton finally looks like he’s going to backdrop out, then collapses down and Afi hangs onto the front facelock. Really, guys? The crowd becomes so bored that a few of them begin chanting Muraco’s old taunt, “Beach Bum!” for some reason.

-Orton fights out by backing Afi into the corner, then sending him into the ropes for an elbow. Stomp that totally misses Afi’s head as Graham, having learned a thing or two from years of working with Gorilla Monsoon, notes that Orton is taking a methodical approach to this match. Afi bleeds hardway from the nose and Orton makes a pitiful attempt at a press slam before giving up and trying for a backbreaker. Orton invents a move, of sorts, doing One Man Gang’s master blaster, but using his knee to force Afi down instead of his arm.

-Orton rams Afi into the turnbuckle, but even a Samoan jobber is still a Samoan and Afi starts to fight back with punches and headbutts. He charges at Orton but gets a knee to the face. Orton connects with a pump splash to get the win. 0 for 4. Highly recommended for those who enjoy three-minute spots of guys dozing off on top of each other.

-Siobhan Driscroll is YOUR Spectrum Wrestling Fan of the Month! I wish I had something like that to put on my resume. I could use the padding.

NIKOLAI VOLKOFF (with Boris Zhukov) vs. JIM POWERS
-Now this has to be one of Zhukov’s first appearances because the Bolsheviks have yet to appear on Wrestling Challenge.

-Volkoff attacks from behind and puts the boots to Powers. He bites away and punches him down. Powers reverses a clothesline and claps his hands around Volkoff’s head in devastating fashion. Dropkick causes Volkoff to stagger a little, and the “USA” chant erupts faster than the boring chant erupts. So the fans hate communism more than they hate headlocks. That seems like a logical sense of priorities, actually.

-Volkoff goes back on the offensive with an Irish whip, but misses the charge, and Powers goes right to his specialty, the arm wringer. Volkoff makes the ropes to force a break, so Powers instead applies an arm wringer. Good strategy. On the plus side, the graphics department has corrected their earlier error, and your ringside colorman is now correctly ID’ed as “Craig.” Good work, guys.

-Powers gets a sunset flip for two, but Volkoff fights right back with a big boot to the face and a headbutt. He tosses Powers to the floor and blocks his re-entry a few times. Volkoff hammers the chest and tries a press slam, but Powers wriggles his way to his feet and rolls up Volkoff for two. Small package by Powers (probably because of steroids) for two.

-Double underhook suplex by Volkoff gets two. Powers throws punches and a shoulderblock to take Volkoff off his feet for the first time in the match. Dropkick gets one. Punches all over the torso from Powers and he rams Volkoff into the turnbuckle. Irish whip but Volkoff is waiting with a clothesline and takes Powers right back down. Irish whip and another by Volkoff to work the back and he clamps on the bearhug. Powers energetically fights it all the way instead of standing there and grimacing, so kudos, dude.

-Powers comes back to life at two and claps his hands in the headal area, or head to the layman. Volkoff tries to come back, but misses a kneedrop. Kneedrop by Powers to the midsection. Fistfight erupts and Volkoff goes to the eyes to keep the upper hand. Powers fights back anyway and whips Volkoff into the turnbuckles for two. Volkoff dodges a dropkick and does the correct version of the backbreaker that Orton tried earlier to get the pin, clean as a sheet. 1 for 5. Not the match I expected to like on this card, but both men were motivated and kept the action moving for a crowd that clearly wasn’t going to show a lot of patience tonight.

HILLBILLY JIM vs. BORIS ZHUKOV (with Nikolai Volkoff)
-Or “Zukoff.” Whatever. Hillbilly wraps the American flag around his head and does a two-step with it, which has to constitute some form of treason. Jim grabs the microphone and demands that Volkoff leave the ring so he can wrestle “Buckethead” by himself. I don’t know why that made me laugh, but it did, dammit.

-So Jimbo kicks Buckethead’s ass quickly and knocks him right out of the ring. Zhukov comes back in and demands a test of strength. Jim plays a little game where he keeps holding up the wrong arm, until Zhukov gets so flustered that he gives up. Crowd is ALL OVER Zhukov here, which I find fascinating. They had been really smarky with their reactions to the matches all night, but suddenly, the Russians show up and it triggers really strong, passionate reactions from them.

-Zhukov finally gets the test of strength he wanted and gets upper hand, albeit with the assist of a kick. Close-up reveals that it’s been a while since the Spectrum floor was properly cleaned because Zhukov’s tights are FILTHY.

-Jim fights dirty tactics with dirty tactics, going to the eyes and then sending Zhukov from turnbuckle to turnbuckle. He holds Zhukov by his beard and uses it to snap the neck. Zhukov takes shots to the throat to retaliate, then bites Jim and rakes the back. He chokes Jim out, then clamps on a bearhug. Jim is able to slide his arms in and reverse it, but Zhukov goes to the eyes to break. Irish whip by Zhukov and he puts the boots to Jim. He charges at Jim but gets a boot to the head. Shoulderblock topples Zhukov. Volkoff hooks Jim’s leg to trip him up and Zhukov dives on top and pins him immediately. 1 for 6. This one couldn’t hold my attention.

-Congrats to associate director Pete Bruno for his recent engagement.

BAM-BAM BIGELOW (with Oliver Humperdink) vs. KING KONG BUNDY
-A lot of circling the ring and staring to start. Shoves and shoulderblocks go nowhere, but two more shoulderblocks and suddenly Bundy goes down, and Bam-Bam cartwheels to celebrate. Bundy desperately tries for an avalanche right there, but misses and barely kicks out at two. Bundy works the arm with a wringer and headbutts. Bundy frees himself and takes Bigelow’s head off with a clothesline. Elbow by Bundy as a rabid “Bam-Bam!” chant goes up. Clothesline over the top rope sends Bigelow to the floor and holy god, now Bigelow is covered with soot. Was there a janitor’s strike in Philly at this point?

-Back in, Bundy stays on top of Bigelow with right hands and a clothesline. Splash misses and Bigelow immediately hits a splash fo his own for a three-count. 2 for 7. Awfully short, but good while it lasted. Felt like a feature bout from TV.

JERRY ALLEN vs. FRENCHY MARTIN
-God almighty, who was it that selected the order for the matches on this card, and may I buy some pot from him? I mean, sticking the main event early or in the middle is something I’ve just come to accept from the WWF of this era, but seriously, THIS match is second from last?

-Fists are exchanged and Allen gets an armdrag, giving Frenchy a golden opportunity to complain about hair. Side headlock and a cheap shot from Frenchy, and he cowers in the corner to hide from Allen. Test of strength and we get the first “Boooooorrrrriiiinnng” chant of the bout. Allen wins the test of strength and works Frenchy’s arm with legdrops. Armbar is clamped on but Frenchy gets out with a kneelift and a shot to the turnbuckle. Elbow off the ropes and a series of clubbing blows from Frenchy. Kneedrop and a little taunting from the Frenchman. Clothesline gets two. Chops and elbows by Allen as he starts to mount a comeback. Frenchy offers a handshake, but he gets dropkicked for his offer. Frenchy tries an Irish whip, but Allen is waiting for him on the charge with a bodypress off the second rope for the three-count. 2 for 8. A rather blasé affair. Crowd reaction for the finish is weird, as they chanted “boooorrrring” and booed the shit out of the match, but then popped huge for Allen’s victory.

STRIKE FORCE vs. ISLANDERS
-Again, the “what is this ‘entrance music’ you speak of?” thing at the Spectrum raises its ugly head, and ring intros are brutally awkward.

-Strike Force charges the ring and surprises the Islanders with a sneak attack, just beating the holy hell out of them and sending them out of the ring, then beating the hell out of them again when they re-enter. Things finally stabilize with Martel & Haku in the ring. Haku misses a charge and gets armdragged, as Graham keeps referring to the Tongan tag team as “The Samoans.”

-Santana clamps an armbar onto Tama. Tama sends him into the ropes but gets shoulderblocked and clotheslined. Haku makes the save on the pinfall attempt and takes a punch for his trouble. Graham declares the match to be a Chinese fire drill as Tama works over Martel in the corner. Martel avoids a corner charge and dropkicks Tama. Dropkick sends the Faux-moan out of the ring and onto the floor. Back inside, Tama begs for mercy and Martel actually gives it to him. Tama tries to throw punches, but Martel was expecting that and lights into him. Tito comes in to double-team Tama. Tito punches him down. Tama asks for a time-out and again the faces show mercy. He goes to Tito’s eyes and tags Haku immediately, but Tito recovers quickly and sweeps Haku’s leg, then catches him with a running forearm. Backslide dual goes Tito’s way for a two-count. Back to working the arm, and Martel comes in to do his part. Shoulderblocks go nowhere, but Martel armdrags Haku down and goes for the armbar. Haku yanks the hair to stop that and Tama comes off the top rope for an attack.

-The Islanders switch in & out without tagging a few times and take turns strangling Martel. Nerve hold by Haku and Tama comes off the top rope, getting some amazing hang time before connecting with a chop. Tama & Haku choke out Martel with a piece of rope. Haku goes back to the nerve hold and Martel comes to life on the third check of the arm. He elbows free and tries a sunset flip, but Haku chops his neck and stops it. Tama comes in and clamps on his own nerve hold. Martel fights free, sending Tama into the turnbuckles. He goes for a bodypress, but Tama ducks and Martel hits the canvas. Tama gets a two-count and in comes Haku with a thrust kick. Atomic drop by Haku as Graham speculates that if Martel tags Tito, the building will go crazy.

-Martel begins desperately throwing kicks and punches, but when he goes for the tag, Tama yanks him backwards into the Islanders corner. Martel gets double-teamed a bit and again tries to make the hot tag, but Tama holds on and Haku comes in to beat on him a bit more. Haku tries for a splash but Martel gets out of the way and the tag is finally, finally made and Graham’s theory proves to have validity. The crowd goes insant and so does Tito, with a series of backdrops and punches. Tama hides in the corner, but Tito London bridges him and stomps the hell out of him. Haku tries to make the save and takes a beating. Martel comes back in and clamps on the figure four onto Tama, but Haku makes the save behind the referee’s back and rolls up Martel. The referee doesn’t realize that it’s the wrong man, and the Islanders go to the pay window. 3 for 9. Really good match. The Islanders just don’t get enough credit.

That's it for the month of October...this is Game Show Utopia to wrap it up.

The 411: Well, this was an awful show. I'm going to go out for ice cream now, I feel like I've earned it...Okay, I'll be honest, even if this was a good show, I'd still eat ice cream.

Final Score:  3.3   [ Bad ]