Dark Pegasus Video Review: Summerslam 2009

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 10.27.2009

Punk and Hardy deliver in the main event, and the Legacy salvages respect against DX.

Summerslam 2009

by J.D. Dunn
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August 23, 2009

Live from Los Angeles, Calif.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, Todd Grisham, Josh Matthews and Matt Striker.

Pre-Show Match: 15-Diva Battle Royal.
Highlights only. Chavo Guerrero is your special referee. Melina matrixes under a Mickie swing, and they eliminate each other. Kelly Kelly and Eve team up against Beth Phoenix, but Chavo dumps them both and declares Beth the winner. Chavo gets beat up by the other Divas and Hornswoggle. [1/2*]

DX and their wacky middle-aged rebellious antics open the show. Oh, Dean Wormer is not going to like that!

Opening Match, Intercontinental Title: Rey Mysterio vs. Dolph Ziggler.
Mysterio takes it to Dolph early, even hitting a spiffy moonsault block. Ziggler catches him going for a huracanrana, though, and grounds him. Just remember that Ol' Dolph Ziggler always works the gut and grounds things with a chinlock. Yeah, Dolph Ziggler just looks that big ol' storm right square in the eye and he says, "Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it." Dolph dropkicks Rey out of the sky to block a crossbody. Rey enzuigiris him to set up the 619, but Dolph SWEEPS THE LEG to counter. Fameasser! ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Rey counters a slam to a DDT and hits the 619! Mr. Ziggles avoids the springboard splash, though, and Rey splats! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Modest "Let's go, Ziggler!" chant. Ziggler sets up for the press gutbuster, apparently having watched Rey's series with Dean Malenko, but Rey watched that Malenko vs. Mysterio series too. Rey counters to a huracanrana for the win at 12:26. Whew! This was really starting to get going down the stretch. Ziggler has some good talent, but he needs to figure out how much amateur wrestling he's going to use and how much pro-style he's going to use so he can become a well-rounded wrestler. Otherwise, he'll probably wind up being like Shelton Benjamin, a man of constant promise but few results. ***1/4

MVP talks about his time in the pokey. Jack Swagger talks about his time in the gumby. Ew. That was awful. I apologize.

MVP vs. Jack Swagger.
MVP's tights have taken a depressing downturn in quality. He actually outwrestles Swagger by staying ahead of him early, but Swagger avoids the Ballin' Elbow. Longish sequence as Swagger works a few holds. MVP fights back and hits the Ballin' Elbow. Swagger blocks the Playmaker and schoolboys him for two. The running pump-splash meets MVP's knees, and that sets up the Yakuza Kick and Playmaker at 6:22. Lackluster match from both guys. They just rand through their stuff and went home. MVP NEEDS a new finisher! **

Dylan McKay is in the audience. Oh, Dylan is such a brooder. No wonder Brenda fell in love with him. At least he's not Ray Pruitt.

Highlights of the WWE bringing in a number of guest hosts, thus turning Raw into the third season of Chappelle's Show.

Nancy O'Dell talks about her organization to battle ALS! WWE Universe: "Boooooo! Get off the stage, whore!" She talks to life-long WWE fan, former WWE writer, and guest host Freddie Prinze Jr..

Chris Jericho and The Big Show come out to run down the crowd. Show was wearing blue at the last PPV, making him look like the world's largest pissed-off Smurf. This time out, he's wearing purple, which must mean he got infected by that plague that turns Smurfs evil.

Unified Tag Titles: Chris Jericho & Big Show vs. Cryme Tyme.
Jericho dominates JTG and goes for the Walls of Jericho. He stops and goes for the slingshot, but JTG lands on the ropes and hits a leglline. Show grabs a side headlock, the one context in which it could be considered a finisher. Shad gets the hot tag and fires off a few shots on Show. He goes after Jericho and gets speared by Show. Never take your eye off Show! Shad powers up from a Full Nelson. Sure. JTG gets the hot tag after a powerslam and hits the Mug Shot (X-Factor) on Jericho. Show makes the save but gets clotheslined over the top by Shad! Whoa! JTG schoolboys Jericho for two but winds up in the Walls of Jericho. JTG makes the ropes but gets punched right in his beak by the Big Show. GNAP! GNAP! Jericho covers and gets the pin at 9:44. I really like the team dynamic of JeriShow. Jericho runs his mouth and gets into trouble, so Show just punches people in the face. Cryme Tyme did their best, and it was pretty entertaining for the ten minutes they had. **1/2

CM Punk objects to a screenplay based on Jeff Hardy's life. Yeah, it's called Less Than Zero.

Kane vs. The Great Khali (w/Ranjin Singh).
Ross works in every euphemism for "shitty match" that he has. It's an impressive list. He's not wrong, either. Khali hits a big chop to the chest, which is what he should just do non-stop for as long as the match lasts. The Big Head Chop only gets two. Wow! He was able to pin the Undertaker with one foot after that. Kane drags Ranjin in and throws him into Khali. Khali stops to put Ranjin out safely, so Kane hits a running DDT for the win at 5:57. Like famine, it is what it is. Everyone talks about it, but no one ever does anything about it. 1/2*

Maria Menounos, Slash and Robert Patrick are all in the audience. We've seen Slash's face. We must die now.

D-Generation X vs. Ted Dibiase & Cody Rhodes.
DX gets the Michael Bay entrance, complete with tank and soldiers firing into the crowd. What is this, a healthcare townhall meeting? Yeah, that joke will age well, I think. Ted gets his ass handed to him, but Cody show some vigor by slapping Shawn around. DX gets pissed and cleans house until Dibiase kicks HHH in the little generals to turn things around. Hunter plays face-in-peril. Legacy actually looks competent after months of being hapless lackeys for Randy Orton. Shawn gets the hot tag and cleans house, but Ted jumps him during the kip-up. Oh, that's just not done! Cody tries the Picture-Perfect Elbow but misses. Shawn goes up for one, but Cody crotches him. Shawn blocks a superplex and goes for the elbow *again,* but Cody gets his knees up! Shawn blocks Cross Rhodes and locks in the figure-four. Ted saves. Now, Cody blocks Sweet Chin Music and hits Cross Rhodes. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Hunter saves and Pedigrees Rhodes. Ted sneaks in behind the ref's back and hits Dream Master: The Erotic Invader. Hunter takes him out as both Cody and HBK recover. Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere and gets the pin at 20:00. Fascinating coming-out party for Cody and Ted, given that they did absolutely nothing in the year prior. The story was that they had *everything* Shawn and Hunter did scouted and were one step ahead of them at every turn. In the end, Shawn had to hit a desperate kick to get the win. ***3/4

ECW Title: Christian vs. William Regal (w/Ezekial Jackson & Vladimir Kozlov).
It's like Glass Joe picked a fight and hired Clubber Lang and Ivan Drago as his backup. Christian jumps Regal from behind, hits the Killswitch and gets the pin at 0:10. The Rocky villains beat the crap out of Christian after the match. [N/R]

WWE Title: Randy Orton vs. John Cena.
Who would have thought that these two would be longtime main-eventers back when they debuted on Smackdown in 2002? The answer, btw, is everyone who saw their debuts. Slugfest early and Orton drops the VINTAGE KNEE! Chinlock follows. Cole-ism: "We often call Orton the Viper, but he looks more like a constrictor." Who's 'we'? No one calls Randy Orton "the Viper" besides Cole. Orton misses a kneedrop but ducks a flying shoulderblock. Cena falls to the floor, so Orton hits the rope-assisted DDT. Orton considers an RKO but decides on the punt to the head instead. It misses, and Cena hits the Civilian Slice. Orton should go full-on Charlie Brown with that missed punt and land on his back… and then say "Good grief." Cena makes the superman comeback, so Orton just slugs the ref for the DQ and walks out at 13:29. Lillian announces that Orton is the winner and retains… but Vince McMahon is restarting the match. Actually, it looked like Lillian had no idea what was going on. Neither did Orton, the crowd, Cena, the ref. The match restarts. Orton tries to walk again and gets counted out to retain at 17:03. Lilllian restarts the match again per Vince McMahon. Well, this is just a fascinating match. Orton returns and goes for the RKO. Cena counters to the AA, but Orton slips off and schoolboys him with his feet on the ropes for the pin at 28:05. Oh, but a second ref comes in and restarts the match because Randy cheated. Cena locks in the STF, but a "fan" (later to be revealed as another in a seemingly endless line of Dibiases) runs in and attacks the ref. Everyone is so puzzled that Orton is able to hit the RKO for the win at 20:44. Okay, so they restart the match three times for chicanery, but when a fan runs into the ring it's fair game? At least pay lip service to logic. It was on its way to being a decent little match before all of the overbooking kicked in. What an awful idea. **

World Title, TLC Match: Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk.
Punk's mocking of the Hardy chant is pretty funny. Punk would be better off in an anti-hero role than as a straight-up villain, I think. Punk stomps a mudhole early and smashes Hardy with a chairshot. Hardy shoves the ladder out from under him as he goes up, though, and hits the gunshot dropkick (or Hardiac Arrest, according to JR. Isn't it a little late to come up with move names?). Jeff tries a one-man Poetry in Motion, but Punk catches him and drops him on the open chair. Oooh. That could have been sick. To the floor, Punk misses a chair swing. He tries to avoid a whip by bounding up to the steps and coming off, but Hardy goes all Pujols on him with a chairshot. Jeff goes up and comes off, trying to put Punk through a table, but Punk gets out of the way at the last second. They go up the ladder, and Jeff gets his fingertips on the belt. Punk yanks him into a Go2Sleep, but Jeff counters to a sunset bomb. Jeff goes up and takes a SICKENING bump when Punk tips over the ladder. And as if that wasn't enough, Punk superplexes Hardy on the ladder! That sets up the running knee, but Hardy throws him out of the ring through another table. Hardy goes up, but Punk flies off the top rope and knocks him off the ladder. To the floor now, Punk tries to collar Hardy with a chair and throw him into the post, but Jeff puts on the breaks and DESTROYS Punk with a chairshot. Punk is out of it on the announce table, so Jeff pulls out a 300-foot ladder, hand to God, and Swantons Punk through the table. The officials come down to cart off the dead bodies, specifically Jeff, whom the put in a neck brace. Punk, meanwhile, goes up the ladder for the belt. Jeff shrugs them all off and goes after Punk. Great facial expression from Punk as he sees Jeff get in the ring. They both go up, but Punk goes to the gut to knock Hardy off. That leaves Punk to grab the belt at 21:35. This lived up to the hype. There wasn't a particular iconic moment, but Jeff standing on top of the giant ladder was a great visual. Punk looked ruthless, and Hardy matched him blow-for-blow, which makes Punk's victory look more impressive. Oh, and I've been told by certain unnamed performers that I should thank Jeff Hardy for putting Punk over here instead of, you know, refusing to do the job he was paid for. Pfft. He's not Canadian. So thanks Jeff, wherever you are. Good luck in your future drug-free endeav--- wait, what? Drug trafficking? Not even a month? Huh. ****

Punk's celebration is short-lived as the lights go out, the gong hits, and when they come up, Punk is standing over Undertaker but he doesn't realize it. Oops. Taker chokeslams Punk and does the Taker pose. Aaaaand we're out.

The 411: This was an enjoyable show with all the big stuff being given enough time to shine. The main event was as good as everyone thought it would be, as was the opener. The DX/Legacy match was surprisingly good. The Cena/Orton match was an overbooked mess, but it started well. For the most part, nothing was overtly offensive outside of the Kane/Khali match, and it was short enough to shrug off.

Thumbs up.

Final Score:  7.5   [ Good ]