Not YouTublular: Grand Masters of Wrestling First Blood Vol. 1

Posted by Leonard Hayhurst on 01.26.2010

If you’ve ever wanted to see Nikolai Volkoff and Iron Sheik giving props to the Jews, this is the disc for you

A little different from the usual, I’ll be reviewing an actual DVD today and not some matches of a random jobber or minor star from YouTube. From my local discount store of used media I found for $1.99 “Grand Masters of Wrestling First Blood Vol. 1.” The cover promises “over one hour of great matches and exclusive rare raw footage” with raw in red, capital letters a font similar to that of a popular Monday night wrestling telecast. The major selling point for me was one of the stars they advertise on the front cover is Iron Mike Sharpe. If he’s your go to name to get people to buy the DVD, you know it has to be good.

So after an intro that looks like it was put together on a rigged Commodore 64 and a theme song brought to you by hitting the random button on a Cassio keyboard, we get an interview with Nikolai Volkoff. The Iron Sheik has apparently accused Volkoff of double crossing him and nailed him in the back with a chair. Tonight the Sheik will learn what payback from getting stabbed in the back behind his back is like to get it back, or something like that.

Then we get the Democratic rebuttal from the Sheik. He calls Volkoff a stooge for America who double crossed him and mother Russia. Sheik oddly says something about him being big among intelligent Americas in the New York/New Jersey area and well liked by Jewish businessmen. Ok, I’m definitely hearing that wrong. Anyway, spit on USA, Iran number one, Sheik number one. Look at Sheik, Sheik in best shape of his life. Praise Allah. Words to that affect.

Ace Darling vs. Mr. Motion

These two used to tag as Young Lust and were trained by Iron Mike Sharpe. Darling was briefly in WCW and WWE. Mr. Motion has some Jersey mall trash with him. I’m actually being polite there. The matches take place outside under a tent and the guys enter from what looks like a country club main building. A sign over the entrance says Maccabi USA.

After the entrances we jump to Motion blocking a hip toss into one of his own and then following with an arm drag and a dropkick. The cameraman is terrible as he constantly gets the referee in the way of the action. Darling takes a body slam and rolls to the floor. Darling is slingshot back into the ring from the apron. Motion clotheslines him back to the outside. Darling teases taking a walk, so Motion planchas out onto him and then throws Darling back into the ring. Motion gets an armdrag and works the arm. In a nice move, Darling gets a scoop slam and screams “got him now,” but Motion rolls through it and comes up with an armbar. They do a standing switch on a rear waistlock and Motion bucks Darling to the floor. In a smart bit of continuity, Darling was expecting the sling shot, blocks, and sends Motion to the ground. They brawl on the outside.

Back in the ring, Darling drops Motion throat first over the top rope and rakes the eyes. He scores a knee lift off the ropes. Darling tries it again, but Motion drops low for a cradle for two. Darling explodes up with a clothesline. Darling drops an elbow and chokes Motion out on the mat. A backbreaker gets two. Motion flips out of a backdrop suplex for a sunset flip for two. Darling gets a clothesline and a leg drop for two. Ace comes off the top to get punched in the gut. He takes a backdrop. Motion gets a mullet toss across the ring. He follows with a nice sequence of an inverted atomic drop, into an atomic drop, into a Russian leg sweep with a float over for two. A swinging neckbreaker backed with a leg drop gets two. Motion runs into a back elbow in the corner. Darling tells the camera that some people just don’t learn, which must mean himself, because he telegraphs a backdrop and Motion kicks him in the shoulder. He then nails a body press to put them both over the top rope. They brawl outside. Darling throws Motion in and goes up. Motion recovers to dropkick Ace to crotch himself and nails a superplex. That would have been enough, but then they do a needless crisscross and Motion finishes with a belly to belly suplex. * We missed the opening portion and the camerawork was horrible. I like some of the continuity they showed, but the match was overall just some moves strung together and there were too many dead spots.

Iron Mike Sharpe vs. the Cheetah Kid

The Cheetah Kid was the original ring name of Rocco Rock, but this certainly isn’t him considering he’s been dead for eight years. Sharpe argues with the referee over wearing his leather wrist guard, saying he has medical clearance for it. Like a good old school heel, Sharpe stalls his ass off. Sharpe complains of the crowd making too much noise as the crickets chirp and the tumbleweeds roll by. They finally lock up and Sharpe runs to the apron on a hammerlock. Sharpe wants a test of strength, but comes out of it with an arm wringer. He works the arm. Cheetah Kid flips out of it and Sharpe bails to the floor. Sharpe gets a single leg pick into a toehold. Kid kicks out of it and Sharpe bails again. Rinse, repeat. Sharpe rakes the eyes and chokes to take control. Kid blocks a shot into the turnbuckle and gives Sharpe a ten count head bashing into the turnbuckle. They go to the opposite corner and do it again. Sharpe takes a powder, but eventually returns.

Sharpe chops the Kid in the corner. Sharpe whips him from pillar to post. He eventually misses a charge and Kid gets a rollup fro two. Sharpe complains of trunks pulling. Kid does the old school ropewalk and hammers the arm on the mat. Kid tries it again, but Sharpe kicks the rope so the Kid crotches himself. Nutcracker, and Kid rolls out. Kid pulls Sharpe down and gives him a crotch shot into the post. Oddly the crowd starts chanting “Iron Mike.” Kid gets a Stinger Splash and then screws up what I think was to be a flipping armdrag off the top rope. Sharpe sells it anyway for a near fall. Sharpe works the Kid over in the corner. A backdrop gets two. A try for another gets a sunset flip for the Kid for two. Kid leaps over a charge in the corner and flips Sharpe for another two count. Sharpe avoids a dropkick and loads up the armband. Sharpe avoids a charge into the corner and wallops Kid with a forearm for the win. Kid attacks Sharpe after the bell. The face pop for Sharpe is priceless. It picked up toward the end, but the rest of the contest was pretty disjointed. You can tell that Sharpe was walking the Kid through the match and his old school heel tactics are way outdated. Still, it was fun to see one of the premier ‘enhancement talents’ of WWE again. ½*

Misty Blue vs. Linda Dallas

Blue is the World’s Ladies Wrestling Champion. On whose authority is my question. Dallas is like the female version of Sharpe as she stalls forever and demands silence from the crowd. She kind of looks like a female Iron Mike to now that I think about it. The cameraman loves her ass, I’m not feeling it. Dallas shoves out of some lockups to start and complains of hair pulling. Blue finally has enough and shoves her over. Dallas bails. Dallas gets a rear waistlock, but Blue fights out of it into a hammerlock and a well deserved spanking for Dallas. Blue works the arm, while Dallas screams her damn head off. Blue slams Dallas on her rear and she bails. She screams at the crowd that it wasn’t funny, but I don’t hear anyone laughing. Back in the ring, Dallas does this Paul Blart roll into a leg pick and works a toehold. Before it was bad, now it’s just sad. Blue technically rolls out of it into a figurefour, but it takes a few minutes to figure it out. Ric Flair would be like “what the hell is that?” Every time Dallas leans up, Blue slaps her down. Dallas turns it over and makes the ropes.

Dallas works a headlock and tries to hide the hair pulling. In the best spot of the match, the referee pulls Dallas’ hair and tells her emphatically to stop it. Blue then gets a hair pull snap mare with no admonishment and works a chinlock. Dallas powers up and Blue bites her in the ass. Yeah, this match bites my ass. Dallas tries a running knee lift, but Blue bails. Dallas tries to kick her and Blue grabs her leg and wrenches it over the bottom rope while getting leverage from a fan. Ok, that’s a cool spot too. Dallas takes over back in the ring and gets a jackknife pin for two. The girls exchange super wedgies. Blue finishes with an airplane spin. For the love of God, that might be the worst match I’ve ever seen. It had more botches than a match with Jeff Hardy rocked on painkillers. I’ll be nice and go DUD for the couple of ok spots.

The Iron Sheik vs. Nikolai Volkoff

The Sheik has some guy that looks like Father Guido Sarducci in drag with him as a manager. He’s billed as the Israeli traitor. Volkoff has some blonde chick with him. He sings “Hava Nagilah” to totally blow my mind. I’m thinking maybe the show is from a Jewish country club in New Jersey. To cover that Volkoff doesn’t know the words, the Sheik jumps him with the Iranian Flag and chokes him out. Sheik chokes him more with his turban after a crappy clothesline. Volkoff ducks a clothesline and gets a double throat thrust. He teases a kick to the balls. Volkoff goes to the floor and wraps the Sheik’s leg around the ring post. Sheik nails Volkoff with something out of his trunk and distracts the referee so the manager can work Nikolai over. Volkoff slugs back and works a chinlock. Sheik rakes the eyes to come back and gets a kick with the deadly pointed boot. More chicanery from the manager.

Sheik damn near kills himself on a gutwrench suplex for two. There’s a lot of gut there. Volkoff gets a body slam and stomps Sheik on the mat. Vokoff is the face, but he’s still wrestling heel. They fight on the floor and trade chair shots. In a nice touch, the cops break them up and the match ends in a double count out. Forget what I said above, that might be the worst match I’ve ever seen. DUD. Molasses rolling up hill in January doesn’t do justice to the pace of the match.

Let me point out that the back cover lists a bunch of stuff not on the disc, such as Freddie Blassie singing “Pencil Neck Geek,” Volkoff fighting Bam Bam Bigelow and Sheik going against The Mighty MacCabee. The only promised delivered on is Volkoff singing “Hava Nigalia,” which out of all of that is the last thing I wanted to see.

The 411: There are terrible independent wrestling cards with way past their prime ‘stars’ everyday, but who felt the need to put this one on DVD with footage that looks like the cameraman had a stroke before the opening bell is beyond me. It was put out by Digiview Entertainment and I can only hope that volume 2 promised in the previews on the disc never came out. $1.99, I’m going to ask for my money back. Not so much train wreck that would at least be interesting in that aspect, it’s more like a fender bender in the Taco Bell parking lot.

Final Score:  0.0   [ Torture ]