100 Percent Fordified: CHIKARA The Thirteenth Hat

Easton, PA – 1.28.2012

Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Gavin Loudspeaker, Leonard F. Chikarason and Eddie Kingston.

The show opens with UltraMantis Black and Hallowicked in a cave-covered train track summoning Delirious from the distance. Delirious emerges in his BDK regalia. Mantis informs Delirious that now that he has retrieved the Eye of Tyr, Delirious is free from the shackles of the BDK. Mantis says a spell while waving the Eye in Delirious’ face. Delirious grabs the Eye, smashes it, then runs away. We then hear Delirious yell in clear English: “I remember everything”. WHAT IN THE WHAT.

Mike Quackenbush vs. Green Ant

This is third match these two have had. The other two were unscheduled (at “We Must Eat Michigan’s Brain” and “Clutch of Doom”) and Quack won both of those bouts. Green Ant takes Quack to the mat, but it is Quackenbush who is able to get control of Green Ant’s legs. Green Ant turns a full nelson into a crucifix pin. Quack pops his body up to avoid his shoulders being counted. Green Ant brings Quack back to the mat by twisting his elbow. Quack gets the ropes to break free. Green Ant O’Conner rolls Quack into a German supelx attempt. Quack is able to stop it and armdrag Green Ant into a rear choke. Green Ant puts his foot on the ropes to break. Green Ant traps Quack’s arm with his leg and grabs Quack’s leg in a half crab. Quack again goes to the ropes to escape. Green Ant snapmares Quack out of a cravate. Quack rolls back up and puts Green Ant in an abdominal stretch. Green Ant and Quack each go for a submission on the others’ weak spot (Quack’s leg and Green Ant’s arm). Quack locks Green Ant’s legs together and pulls on his right knee. Green Ant transitions out for a submission. Quack roll Green Ant into a pin to block the attack and then gives Green Ant a spinning toe hold. Green Ant gets the ropes to break a leg capture half Crab. Quack continues to stretch Green Ant’s legs and abdomen. Green Ant tries for a couple quick pins but fails. Quack and Green Ant chop each other while Quack holds onto a leg submission. Green Ant positions himself for a triangle choke, but Quack puts him in a leg capture neck stretch submission. Green Ant kicks out Quack’s leg. Quack toreadors him to the ropes. Green Ant schoolboys Quack for two then puts on an armbar. Green Ant goes for the cloverleaf. Quack flips out and goes for the Quackendriver II. Green Ant holds on and puts Quack in the CHIKARA Special: Green. Quack taps out at 10:09 giving Green Ant the biggest win of his career. This was certainly the best of their three encounters and was a great display of just how much Green Ant has grown as a wrestler. The fact that Quackenbush seemingly had no counter to Green Ant’s submission makes the hold much more intriguing. I envision big things for this “young lion” in 2012, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. ***

Dasher Hatfield makes his way to the ring. Dasher reminds the Easton crowd that he debuted in front of them just a few years ago. Although he was nervous, the Easton crowd made him feel welcome, and for that he thanks them. He also thanks them for the reception they gave Sugar Dunkerton when he made his CHIKARA debut in Easton. Dasher says he got word that his step cousin-in-law followed in his footsteps and trained at the CHIKARA Wrestle Factory. Dasher asks the Easton crowd to give a great reception to the newest member of The Throwbacks, ”Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti. Angelosetti does in fact get a nice reaction from the audience. Dasher said he always knew Mark would do well since they were kids. Angelosetti refers to the crowd as nerds and puts himself over. He shoves his football into Dasher’s chest before heading backstage again (whole also ignoring the fans attempts at high-fives).

Jigsaw vs. Kobald

This is Jigsaw’s first match in CHIKARA since he made this trek over to Osaka Pro. Jigsaw side steps Kobald’s spear. He back elbows Kobald and dropkicks him to the floor. Kobald keeps going in and out of the ring when Jigsaw follows him. Jigsaw finally stomps on Kobald as he slide in the ring. Jigsaw stomps him after a snapmare for two. Kobald rams his horns into Jigsaw’s back to send him to the floor. Kobald chops Jigsaw around ringside. Kobald hits a slingshot elbow back in the ring. Kobald stretches out Jigsaw’s back over his knees. Kobald bites and chops Jigsaw’s back as he’s hung in the ropes. Kobald gouges Jigsaw’s eyes with his earring on the floor. In the ring he drops an elbow for two. Jigsaw breaks free but Kobald rana’s him into a two count. Kobald slingshot splashes onto Jigsaw for two. Kobald inflicts more pain upon Jigsaw’s back. He gets two with a Rocker Dropper. Jigsaw double stomps Kobald as Kobald runs out of the corner. Jigsaw spin-out slams Kobald onto his face. He knee strikes and German suplexes him for two. Kobald spears Jigsaw for two. Kobald comes off the top with a super seated senton for two. Jigsaw catches Kobald with a superkick. Kobald evades a double stomp and rolls up Jigsaw for two. Jigsaw slingshots Kobald off the top into a powerbomb. He superkicks Kobald for the pin at 8:30. Solid action here, and a nice way for Jigsaw to make up for his loss to Grizzly Redwood on the last Easton show. Kobald’s becoming more well-rounded but still needs a bit more seasoning before he truly becomes something special. **1/4

Icarus says while people though he had to run and hide from Akuma, but in fact he knows exactly what to expect from Akuma. He says he kicked Akuma out of F.I.S.T. and will show him tonight why he doesn’t even belong in CHIKARA.

Gran Akuma vs. Icarus

This is Akuma’s first match back in CHIKARA since he was kicked out of F.I.S.T by Icarus in July of 2010. The fans are going bonkers for him. Icarus begs for Akuma to slap him. Akuma instead circles the ring with him. Akuma takes him down with an armdrag, toreador and rolling dropkick. Icarus snaps him throat first against the top rope and comes in with a slingshot senton for two. Icarus gets two again with a legdrop. Icarus puts Akuma in a seated abdominal stretch, stretching out his right arm as well. Akuma gets the ropes. Icarus smacks Akuma’s forehead, so Akuma kicks Icarus’ legs out. He slingshots in from the apron with a huracanrana. Icarus goes for a Shiranui to block Akuma’s Falcon Arrow. Akuma instead gives Icarus a rolling Death Valley Driver. Icarus grabs a chair to bait Akuma out to the floor. During their staredown, Gregory Iron makes his way ringside. He stares down Icarus. Both men end up counted out at 4:35. Of course there wasn’t much of a match here, but Akuma looks more spry and motivated than when we last saw him. There’s no way they were going to blow this off on the season premiere so I am not at all unhappy with this result. *

Iron backs Icarus towards Akuma. Akuma shoves Icarus away. Iron then Gimp slaps Akuma! If you recall, Akuma accidentally kicked Iron in the head back at “High Noon”. Icarus applaudes Iron’s actions and heads backstage. Iron leaves Akuma laying ringside. Akuma also heads backstage angered by the situation.

Tim Donst says Season 10 was the biggest Season of CHIKARA because of him. He says that he is now ruling the BDK henhouse. Jakob Hammermeier says the BDK will be back in full force when Ares comes back. Donst shoves Hammermeier down and tells him to never Ares’ name again. Donst reminds Hammermeier that he retired Hydra in this town and says that Hammermeier better not lose in this town tonight.

3.0. (Scott “Jagged” Parker & Shane Matthews) vs. Die Brüderschaft des Kreuzes (Tim Donst & Jakob Hammermeier)

Matthews poses after shoving Hammermeier to the mat. Matthews chops him in the corner. Hammermeier boots Matthews. Matthews blocks his headscissors and shoves him to the mat. Donst is displeased. Matthews dropkicks Hammermeier, who bails to the floor before Matthews can go for a pin. Donst decides to throw Hammermeier back in with Jagged instead of tagging in so he can toughen up. Even after Jagged schools Hammermeier on the mat and asks for Donst to tag in he won’t do it. Matthews elbow strikes Hammermeier to the mat. Jagged double axe handles Hammermeier in the back while Matthews holds onto him.. Jagged goofs with Hammermeier. Donst attacks Jagged from behind and tosses Hammermeier to the floor. Jagged superkicks Donst. Donst throws Jagged to the mat by his hair and delivers a clothesline. The BDK isolate Jagged in their corner, using some underhanded tactics when referee Bryce Remsburg is pre-occupied. Jagged gutwrench suplexes Hammermeier when Hammermeier insists that Donst let him show what he’s made off. Matthews uses his patented headscissors to send Hammermeier to the floor. He does the same to Donst. Matthews and Jagged team up on Hammermeier in their corner. Jagged pitches Donst back to the floor. He knee strikes Hammermeier after Matthews gives him a backbreaker. 3.0. hit the Sweet Taste of the Professionalism for the pin and their second point at 9:08. Both teams went through their usual routine while Donst and Hammermeier established their rapport. Really not much here to see. Donst berates Hammermeier after the match for being a loser. **1/4

Hallowicked vs. Archibald Peck

Veronica is in Peck’s corner, though it’s very obvious that she is not happy with his recent string of losses. She doesn’t even accept Peck’s hand to get in the ring for their usual posing. Peck is frightened of Hallowicked’s general demeanor. His attempt to scare Hallowicked is worthless. Peck puts on some moves while looking at Veronica for any side of approval. Just like that, Hallowicked takes control of Peck’s arm. Peck brings Hallowicked to the corner by his stem. Hallowicked brings Peck to the opposite corner by his hair, then goes back to work on the arm. Hallowicked throws Peck off the top rope when Peck goes for the Old School. Hallowicked throws Peck to the floor when Peck tries to break his wristlock. Hallowicked suicide dives after him. Veronica grabs Hallowicked foot from the arpon. This allows Peck to snap Hallowicked’s neck across the top rope. Hallowicked forearms Peck to stop his suicide dive. Veronica grabs his foot again but Hallowicked kicks her away. Peck ducks a step-up enzuigiri and throws the back of Hallowicked’s head into the top turnbuckle. Peck wisely focuses his attack on Hallowicked’s neck. Peck misses a seated senton and takes an atomic drop. He delivers a flip neckbreaker and goes back to his game plan. Hallowicked is able to snap off a step-up huracanrana. Peck blocks a super snapmare and punches Hallowicked in the back of his neck. Hallowicked frightens Peck as Peck heads up top. Peck manages to keep his balance, but Hallowicked kicks out the ropes to crotch him on the top rope. He successfully hits the super snapmare. Another step-up enzuigiri gets him two. Peck blocks the Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. He enzuigiri’s Hallowicked and heads back up top. Hallowicked boots Peck as he comes off the top rope. Peck and Hallowicked collide heads mid-ring. Peck boots Hallowicked once they recover. He comes off the top but gets caught with Hallowicked’s Rydeen Bomb for two. Hallowicked sets up for the Graveyard Smash. Peck counters with the H Thunder for two. Peck goes for a victory roll. Hallowicked sits down on it to get the pin at 12:02. I really dug both guys focusing their attack and picking apart the opponent. It did go a tad long, but Peck’s goofiness fit right into the match and was toned down. Most importantly, Hallowicked has a win going into his and UltraMantis Black’s Campeones de Parejas match next month. Veronica stomps to the back in a huff leaving Peck by himself in the ring. ***

Ophidian, looking completely different, is backstage holding his old mask and Amasis’ mask. He says “High Noon” began his path of redemption. Ophidian says that Osiris was mad at them, so he took it upon himself to unmask Amasis and remove his soul. He said he doesn’t believe his was worthy of Ophidian’s soul, which is why he removed his mask. He is now reprensenting the spirit of the snake. Ophidian feels as if the souls of Amasis and Ophidian speak to him through the masks he holds in his hands. He says he has been born under the sign of Osiris as he walks the path of the redemption. He says the path has led him to Easton, PA where he will take Hieracon’s soul as well.

Hieracon vs. Ophidian

Ophidian has brand new music to go along with his new look. They take each other down with side headlocks. They trade forearm strikes right after. Hieracon hits a particularly hard one to send Ophidian to the floor. Hieracon chases Ophidian back into the ring. Ophidian throat thrusts him down to the mat. Hieracon goes for a few pinfalls but does not succeed. Hieracon kicks Ophidian’s in the arm. Hieracon does some damage to Ophidian’s arm before Ophidian claws Hieracon’s clavicle and chops him in the chest. Hieracon breaks the claw and goes back to the arm. Ophidian kicks out Hieracon’s leg and gives him a neckbreaker in the ropes. Ophidian thrusts Hiearcon in the throat for two. Hieracon gets in a few shots before Ophidian boots him for a two count. Ophidian dragon kicks Hieracon after hitting a split-legged senton. Ophidian gets two with a spinebuster. Ophidian throws some chops. Hieracon fires back. Ophidian spinwheel kicks Hieracon for two. Ophidian claws Hieracon’s clavicle again and kicks away at his chest. Hieracon ducks a kick and rolls up Ophidian for two. Hiearcon sunset flips Ophidian for two again. Ophidian hits an enzuigiri and heads up top. Hieracon avoids double knees and throws Ophidian to the floor. Hieracon follows out with a suicide dive. Ophidian sweeps out Hieracon’s legs on the ring apron and suplexes him on the floor. Hieracon gets back in the ring just in time to avoid being counted out. Ophidian goes for the Death Grip. Hieracon avoids it and again exchanges forearms with Ophidian. Ophidian kicks him in the side of the head. Hieracon ducks a double chop. He German suplexes Ophidian twice for a two count. Hieracon goes for the Lightning Spiral. Ophidian blocks it and puts on the Death Grip. Hieracon slips out and gives Ophidian a stunner and an Ace Crusher. Ophidian gets his knees up to block a 450 splash. Hieracon takes Ophidin to the floor and moonsaults off the apron. Hieracon hits the 450 splash for two. Ophidian high kicks Hieracon. He once again throws forearms with Ophidian, refusing to stay down. Hieracon throws some clotheslines for two. He puts on a cross armbreaker. Ophidian rolls it into a pin for two. Ophidian kicks Hieracon from the apron and springboards in with a quebrada. Hieracon kicks out at one. Ophidian hits the Egyptian Destryoyer. Hieracon kicks out at two due to his nonchalant cover. Ophidian calls out Amasis’ name as he kicks Hieracon in the back of the head. He puts on the Cobra Clutch Death Grip and causes Hieracon to pass out at 19:57. Ophidian unmasks Hieracon after the match, adding the mask to his collection.

So there’s been a lot of backlash about this match. Personally I think a lot of is unwarranted. Let’s start with the positives. CHIKARA can be determined (to a fault sometimes) to finish a storyline. Hieracon had not been in CHIKARA since June, and I doubt there was really any intention of bringing him back at all. However, he did just disappear and his portion of the story was unfinished. I give CHIKARA a lot of credit for bringing him back for one match just to kill off his character. Hieracon looked better than in some of his previous CHIKARA singles match here. That’s not saying a lot, but considering he could have phoned it in, I’m thankful he put in the work he did. Instead he put in some work and willingly put Ophidian (and his newer submission) over. The one true negative of the match was its length. It was totally unnecessary to go 20 minutes. The crowd was practically begging for the match to be over. Considering a 450 splash and Egyptian Destroyer were kicked out of, I understand. This also wasn’t a phenomenal match. It was passable, not bad by any means, but certainly twice the length it should have been. Three forearm exchanges reeks of killing time. Just get in, make your point, and get out. This may not have been the best match for the reborn Ophidian to have in his “debut” as it starts him off on a not-so-great note. I think he will be able to recover though. I think what we can do is take is accept that this match had to happen, but be thankful that this portion of the storyline has concluded and Ophidian can now prosper. **1/2

Gavin Loudspeaker begins to make the announcements for the main event when Vin Gerard runs in and attacks him. Vin grabs the microphone but the ring flocks with students before he can say anything. Eddie Kingston then hits the ring and also has to be detained. Gerard punches out a student as they attempt to escort him out of the building. Kingston gives chase which finally gets Gerard out of the building. Wink Vavasseur is amongst the people who followed them to the hallways. Kingston tells Vavasseur to get in the ring. He tells Wink to re-instate Gerard so he can get another match with him. The fans agree with Eddie but Wink is not willing to cooperate. Kingston grabs Wink by his tie and tells him again to re-instate Gerard. Jigsaw comes out to calm Kingston down and bring him backstage.

The Colony (Fire Ant & Soldier Ant) vs. The Batiri (Obariyon & Kodama)

Kodama attacks Fire Ant from behind before Obariyon (the legal man) can lock up with him. Kodama bites Fire Ant’s antennae. Fire Ant armdrags Kodama into a fireman’s carry. Kodama slaps Fire Ant on the top rope. Fire Ant rolls him into a pin attempt for two. Soldier Ant tags in and blocks Obariyon’s strikes. He forces Obariyon into a salute which does make Obariyon happy. Soldier Ant Samoan drops him. The Colony each strike Obariyon in the corner. They double boot Kodama who tries to interfere, then deliver the Revenge of the Ants to Obariyon. Fire Ant sentons Kodama twice before Soldier Ant falls with a saluting headbutt for two. Obariyon does a switch with Kodama when Bryce Remsburg has his back turned. Obariyon kicks Soldier Ant in the head from the apron when Soldier Ant goes for a pin. Obariyon back elbows Soldier Ant for one. He and Kodama gang up on Soldier Ant in their corner. Soldier Ant avoids a few of their attacks and breaks through a double clothesline to tag Fire Ant back in. He crossbody’s onto both Batiri members. Obariyon accidentally pops him up to dropkick Kodama. He Burns the Down House on Obariyon before DDTing him. Fire Ant goes for a pescado but misses. Kodama jabs Fire Ant with a chair as Obariyon distracts Bryce. This brings in Soldier Ant as the legal man, who is weakened from the Batiri’s earlier beating. They of course get the chance to give him more of a beating with Fire Ant recovering on the floor. Fire Ant gets into the ring but gets caught right away with a drop toe hold/knee strike combo. Soldier Ant catches Obariyon off guard in the CHIKARA Special. Kodama kicks Soldier Ant to free his partner. Obariyon hits a sloppy flying DDT on Soldier Ant. Fire Ant dives in to break up the pin out of nowhere. Fire Ant sends Kodama to the floor. Soldier Ant suicide dives onto him. Fire Ant enzuigiri’s Obariyon and kicks him in the face. He drops Obariyon with the Beach Break for the pin at 16:31. Thankfully there was a compelling story to follow during this match, otherwise this would have been remarkably average for these two teams. I do appreciate Fire Ant brushing the dust off the Beach Break to win but there’s really not much more to say about the action itself than that. **3/4

Included in the bonus features, amongst various videos from CHIKARA’s YouTube page, is CHIKARA Quiz Master Billy Kumohara asking various fans in the audience CHIKARA trivia questions and rewarding those with correct answers with gift bags. Also included is a Mr. Touchdown promo saying he’s going to prove all the nerds who said he wasn’t good enough to be in the 4H Club wrong. He the interrupts a game of touch football and runs through some of the people who are playing.

The 411: I hate giving this show a not-so-hot rating, but it really was a painfully average way to kick off the year. Then again, I didn't feel as if I had wasted my time and everything had a purpose. There was a lot in terms of storyline progression but not so much in terms of the matches themselves. Don't get me wrong, Quack vs Green Ant and the main event were both enjoyable but probably not worth the $10 or $15 you'd spend. I'll say this: if you're really invested in the storylines, paying $10 for the mp4 download is probably a good investment. If matches are your primary interest however I'd look elsehwere. You can buy this show on DVD or as a digital download at Smart Mark Video. Be sure to check out all of my CHIKARA reviews at my CHIKARA blog; "The CHIKARA Special" and all the CHIKARA news over at "The CHIKARA Special" Tumblr.

Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]