Ring Crew Reviews: WCW Uncensored 1995
Posted by Jack Bramma on 02.28.2012
Hulk Hogan against Vader in a strap match, the infamous King of the Road Match, an homage to the 1970s Tupelo concession stand brawl, and one of the worst PPVs ever.
• Scheduled Card:
1. King of the Road Match: Blacktop Bully vs. Dustin Rhodes.
2. Martial Arts Match: Meng vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
3. Boxer vs. Wrestler: Johnny B. Badd vs. Arn Anderson.
4. No Disqualification Match: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Avalanche.
5. Anything Goes Match: Sting vs. Big Bubba Rogers.
6. Texas Tornado, Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship: The Nasty Boys vs. Harlem Heat (c).
7. Indian Strap Match: Vader vs. Hulk Hogan.
• We begin with a typical WCW promo of the time that has very 90s graphics and generic in-house music.
• Tony and Brain start us off with “Mike Tenay from the WCW hotline.” Tony sells it as “Unsanctioned. Uncut. Unauthorized. Uncensored.” Tony says everyone is waiting for the strap match between Vader and Hogan. Brain says this is the most important week EVER in sports – Jordan is returning to the NBA, Tyson is getting out of jail, and Vader ends Hulkamania tonight. Flair is in Vader's corner. Tony says that Hogan had to go to the dark side to find a suitable person in his corner.... RENEGADE! Man, I would have loved some vignettes of Hogan roaming around through seedy nightclubs, bars, dives, and then resorting to wandering through the woods at night, maybe insane asylums before finding who he was looking for. Instead, we get clips from this vignette that truly has to be seen to do it justice. Let's be kind and just say that Renegade was an Ultimate Warrior type character that never got over.
• Tony tries to keep hyping the show and the WCW hotline but is interrupted by the video screen that shows the first match has already began...
• King of the Road Match: Blacktop Bully vs. Dustin Rhodes. What's a King of the Road match, you say? You mean, you don't know? Boy are you in for a treat. You see, someone in the braintrust of WCW thought it would be a good idea to get an 18 wheeler and hitch a trailer to it. The trailer would be surrounded by a fence and have bales of hay in it. It's essentially a cattle car that has been maximized for optimal visibility. The truck is driven around the outskirts of Tupelo, MS (not really, it's actually Atlanta but just go with it) and is escorted by police to clear the roads and has the “official WCW helicopter” providing aerial shots. Oh, and you win by sounding the bull horn which is attached to the top crossbeam at the front of the trailer. Bully is Barry Darsow, best known as the Repo Man or Smash from Demolition. Hopefully, we all know Rhodes is Goldust.
• We're JIP as Rhodes almost has the horn already. He tries climbing up the side of the trailer but slips. Bully gives Rhodes a low blow and they both fall down. High comedy. Bully sends him into the front of the trailer. Brain: “This match is really what the Blacktop Bully is all about.” Bully sends Rhodes into the cage a couple times as Brain says it has to smell like Dusty's living room. Dustin tries climbing out of the fucking trailer for some reason and now here's Bully and he's climbing up the side as well. HALF HIS BODY IS HANGING OVER THE SIDE OF A TRACTOR TRAILER! Dustin waffles him with a fence post to knock him down. Dustin gives him a PILEDRIVER IN THE TRUCK! Brain: “Have you ever seen someone piledriven in the back of an 18 wheeler? Well, you have here. First time ever on WCW Uncensored.” Dustin uses the cage to dropkick Bully down. Dustin waffles him with a bale of hay. We get lots of helicopter shots that kind of obscure what's going on. Bully with a backdrop and now he's CHOKING DUSTIN WITH A ROPE! Dustin waffles him with a can of birdseed or something. Could have been a bucket of water. Who knows. Dustin now tries to climb up for the horn but the truck runs a stop sign taking a right turn that causes Dustin to wipe out and come dangerously close to having a nasty spill. Bully tries to waffle him with a fence post but Dustin cuts him off with a pseudo Cactus clothesline and they both tumble over a gate. Dustin now gives him a back suplex ON THE HAY! They struggle to stand up as the momentum almost knocks them down. Dustin says fuck it and decides to walk to the back presumably to get a weapon. Bully almost reaches the horn but the truck stops again and Bully cuts a flip eating it to the hay below. This is surreal. Dustin waffles him with a crate and they both wipe out. Bully tries a clothesline but Dustin ducks and Bully dumps himself over this mini-gate. Tony: “THE BULLY OVER THE TOP AGAIN!” Dustin now tries to pick him up for a body slam but they can barely stand up and both fall backward into the cab. Dustin boots him down as the sun starts setting and they pass a trailer park. Brain: “The beautiful section of Tupelo right there. 18 house trailers. Must be condos, huh?” Tony: “EASY!” Bully tears off Dustin's shirt and chokes him as Brain continues making fun of the backwoods area. Dustin picks up a trough and throws it and its contents at Bully and sort of hits him. Bully climbs up the side again and Dustin crotches him on the side. Now, both are teetering on the each kind of like with a cage match except THEY ARE HANGING OVER THE SIDE OF A MOVING VEHICLE! Dustin tumbles down and pulls the Bully down with him as Tony keeps blaming technical difficulties with the helicopter cam on “microwave interference.” They repeat the shitcan over the gate spot again. Bully no sells this time and throws the water canteen at him. Bully LEAPS INTO THE AIR AND SPEARS DUSTIN! Bully now reaches up for horn but can't reach it. Brain wonders what will happen if they have to keep going at dusk and whether or not the helicopter has a spotlight. Both are now on the top crossbeam and Bully waffles him and Dustin eats it down to the hay. Bully rings the horn to win it at 13:14. Brain does the Danielson celebration at the match being over: “YES! YES! YES!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!”
• This is truly one of a kind. I'm not even sure if you can do this match justice. Was I entertained? Yes, just by the sheer oddity and disbelief of what was going on. Was it any good? No. Was the gimmick worth the logistical insanity that went into it? Not a chance. Call it ** because THEY WERE IN THE BACK OF A FUCKING TRACTOR TRAILER! Of note: Dustin apparently bladed in the match and got fired for it thus launching Goldust in WWF, but with all the aerial shots you couldn't tell anyway. Of note part deux: I know there was a lot of shit because of the editing hack job with lots of time of day changes but I could follow the match just fine FWIW.
• Meanwhile, Tenay is in the back with Colonel Parker, Arn Anderson, and Meng to talk about Arn's “boxer vs. wrestler” match against Johnny B. Badd. Arn says he's going to avoid the big left and is instead going to hit him with the DDT. Parker rambles in colloquialisms to put over Meng's “uncensored martial arts style.” Tenay cuts him off because he keeps going on and on and instead plays a video package for the match.
• Martial Arts Match: Meng vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Meng is in full oriental wardrobe that makes him look a bit like a geisha ninja, albeit a really big one. This is basically Meng's singles debut in WCW on PPV. Tony: “Duggan is sure dressed for a fight.” Brain: “He's got adhesive tape on his pants. He's got his shoe taped. He's waving Old Glory. Who knows what he has wrapped in those forearms? But we KNOW what's between the ears: NOTHING!” The ref in his on-screen debut is none other than Sonny Onoo. The only semblance of rules that we get come from Tony so the in-house crowd is clueless: “Basically in this martial arts match, you can pin your man, you can knock him out, they are going to be fighting.” So..... pinfall or KO only?
• They stall for a bit because Parker wants Onoo to make Duggan bow and he won't do it. Duggan finally agrees but now won't bow to Meng. He finally agrees and Meng kicks him with a cheap shot. Meng covers for 2. They slug it out and Meng gives him a sidekick and a throat chop. Duggan no sells and takes off his boot to waffle Meng. Meng fights it off and headbutts him down. Meng puts on the NERVE HOLD! Duggan breaks it up by stomping Meng's foot with his other boot. Meng with other chops in the corner and now chokes Duggan. Duggan no sells and Hulks up and goes to the rights. Duggan tries to choke Meng with his shirt. Meng kicks his around and now goes to the DOUBLE NERVE HOLD! Duggan no sells again and starts to make his comeback but the crowd slowly starts chanting USA, so Duggan stops his comeback to egg them on. I'm not sure if that makes him a better or worse worker that he interrupted his no-selling to allow the crowd to catch up with him. Duggan tries a shoulderblock. Both no sell so Meng throat chops him down. This is shit and no, they aren't in the back of a tractor trailer to get that courtesy. Meng now with more BLATANTCHOKING! Duggan no sells so Meng gouges the eye and chops him down. Meng rakes the eye and goes back to the choking as the martial arts posturing has been thrown out and we're just left with shitty brawling. They slug it out and Meng wins that one and goes back to the nerve hold. Duggan's “selling” composes of mildly contorting his face like he's got gas. Onoo raises the arm like it's a fucking sleeper while Duggan IS LOOKING AT HIM! Duggan raises the arm on the third and wants more crowd umph and this time they sit on their hands for the most part. Duggan with a headbutt and Meng no sells and Duggan almost bumps out of the ring. Meng with more choking. Now, Colonel Parker chokes with his handkerchief. Time to take this crap home. Meng with another throat thrust and tries to drop a couple of elbows but Duggan avoids. Crowd seems to wake up for that. Duggan avoids a backdrop and mounts in the corner for the 10 punches. Onoo breaks it up and Duggan tries to shitcan him but Meng tries to waffle him from behind. Duggan avoids and sends him into the corner for the 3 point stance, and a clothesline. Pretty good pop for that. Meng no sells but Duggan stays on him. Duggan waffles Colonel Parker on the apron to a pop. During this whole exchange, Meng is just standing in the corner clearly waiting for the next spot. Duggan has his hands full with Parker and Onoo until Meng superkicks him. Onoo counts the 3 and Duggan's out at 7:10. Whatever. Just a boring waste of time that completely negated anything Meng might have to offer if they were serious about pushing him even though they'd basically keep him around for the rest of their company existence and he would get better treatment at various times. Also, I like Duggan's shtick as much as the next guy, but has any gotten further on less? A 20+ year career on USA, 3 point stance, shoulderblock, and a 2x4 is pretty good. DUD
• Next up, we see a package for Badd-Arn. Arn turned heel and joined Colonel Parker's stable. Promo with Johnny where he calls his left hand, “Dreamland.” Then, a promo for Arn where he's apparently supposed to be a heel because he's driving a pick up and works construction instead of driving a Mercedes. We then get various clips of him beating up people. I fail to see how this makes him a heel or that different from the Horseman Arn.
• Boxer vs. Wrestler: Johnny B. Badd vs. Arn Anderson. Announcer says this is scheduled to go for ten 3 minute rounds with 1 minute rest between rounds and you can win by KO or pin. Tony begins this match by speculating on the whereabouts of Hulk Hogan's manager, Jimmy Hart. Brain: “I don't know what happened to Jimmy Hart. You know something? Who really cares?” Badd with a couple of jabs. Badd gets him in the corner for a combo to the body and Arn takes a breather. Back in, more rights and lefts from Badd and Arn goes down. Oh no, this isn't going to be good at all as it looks like they are sticking pretty straight to the gimmick. Arn down for a count of 5. Arn tries a cutoff with a knee but Badd goes back to the bodyshots. Badd avoids a pretty weak single leg attempt by Arn and Badd pounds him down at the end of round 1 as Badd celebrates like he's got in the bag. Schiavone brings up Inoki/Ali and the strategies at play. Ya know, with MMA being prevalent today, it's laughable that a wrestler couldn't take down a boxer whenever he wanted, but that's a shoot and this is a work so who cares. They actually take a full minute break with close-ups of cornermen, Parker and Roc Finnegan (Badd's manager complete with cigar). In round 2, Arn drives him into the corner as it looks like they can't make up their minds what to do. Badd with more rights and Arn bumps again. Both of these guys are more than capable but this stipulation is handcuffing them. Arn up at 8. Arn with a takedown but whiffs on an elbow drop. Badd knocks him down again but Arn up at 6. Badd with a few bodyshots that seem to have some legit zip to them. Arn down in a heap but up at 8 again. No 3 knockdown rule because they are throwing out the rulebook tonight. More rights and another knockdown to end the second round. Badd plays to the crowd again as they retreat to their corners and Arn BRILLIANTLY is all FUCK THIS and waffles him from behind and DDTS him! That has to end it, right? Apparently not as Badd's cornerman Finnegan drags him back to the corner and tries to hype him up: “You're working good off the jab, but you got to watch out at the end of the round. He's sucker-shoting you or something.” Arn finally comes to from exhaustion and shoves Finnegan out of the way and waffles Badd again. Arn shouts at the ref: “NO DISQUALIFICATION, RIGHT?” Arn shitcans him as we begin round 3. Parker with a few boots and slides him back in so Arn can choke him some. Badd, ever the method actor, refuses to shift into carny mode and stays with it AS A BOXER including not selling worth a shit. He kind of stumbles around as Arn doesn't do much. Arn finally whips him into the corner stool and gives him a spinebuster. Finnegan jumps on Arn from behind to a pop and tries to protect Badd. Arn is all, “What the fuck, bro? There's a minute left in the round.” I don't even think Finnegan was supposed to come in the ring. The ref holds off Finnegan as Arn hits a jawbreaker but Badd no sells. Arn shitcans him again for more work from Parker. The bell rings to end round 3 and Arn shoves Badd into Finnegan which he no sells. Finnegan cuts one of the gloves loose before Arn waffles him from behind and says after he beats down Badd, he's coming for Finnegan. This is a hot mess. Tony wants to keep up the charade of rules: “ARE WE STILL IN THE REST PERIOD?!” To begin round 4, Finnegan blasts Arn with a bucket and Badd hits a HUGE left and another sans glove to a MASSIVE POP! Badd takes it by KO at 13:41 or :40 of the 4th Round.
• Another bizarre, non-wrestling spectacle on a wrestling PPV. You can say a lot of things about Johnny B. Badd, but he's a helluva performer and Arn is always good as the no-nonsense, blue collar guy that'll bend the rules to get ahead. Again, I don't think there's much objectively good here, but it was fun to watch once or twice even if I'll never want to see it again. **1/2
• Next up is a video package for Macho Man in case you didn't know who he was by now. MACHO MAN PROMO TIME! He goes into some catchphrases for a bit and then shoves Tenay: “I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING RIGHT NOW! I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT! GET THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE RIGHT NOW! I'LL TAKE ANYBODY OUT ON THE WAY! NO MORE MR. NICE GUY, BROTHER! SEE YA LATER!”
• No Disqualification Match: Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Avalanche. Avalanche is John Tenta, Earthquake. OK, so this is UNCENSORED, THE NO RULES PAY PER VIEW! No matter what happens THE MUST IS GOING TO CONTINUE! Savage jumps right on him to start in the corner with right hands and eye gouges. Might as well, since it's no DQ. Savage ducks a charge after a whip and grabs a headlock. Macho tries a shoulderblock but Avalanche no sells. Macho tries again and again gets nowhere. Avalanche talks smack, so Macho smacks him. Avalanche comes back with a shoulderblock of his own. Avalanche tries another but Macho ducks and Avalanche dumps over the top rope. Macho heads up top and gives him a SAVAGE HAMMER TO THE FLOOR! Macho sends him weakly into the ringpost and the stairs. Back in, Macho tries a slam but his back buckles. Avalanche drops a elbow and a leg drop for 2. Avalache poses again as he's out of ideas for how to get heat move-wise. He stomps Macho down as Tony and Brain WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT HOGAN AND JIMMY HART! At least, it leads to some funny banter. Tony: “No sign of Jimmy Hart?” Brain: “That's what I said. No sign of Jimmy Hart. Want me to write it down for you?” Tony: “[Sheepishgly] No.” Brain: “Jimmy Hart is MIA... or MIT. Missing in Tupelo which is the best way to be in Tupelo.” Avalanche with a belly to belly suplex and a DROPKICK that got some decent height. Cover gets nothing as Macho is in the ropes. Brain wonders why the match is so slow and speculates that Avalanche has had a lot taken out of him by Macho in the grueling 90 seconds of the match thus far. It's almost like you can hear Brain losing his love for the business as each minute of this PPV drags on. Avalanche tries an elbow drop but whiffs. Avalanche no sells and shitcans Macho. One of the fans in the front row has a great bullseye sign that's surprising you don't see more to encourage ringside violence near their seat. Avalanche sends Macho into the ringpost and poses more as Tony talks about Elvis because there's no Twitter to get him updates on Hogan right now. Macho gets to the apron but Avalanche knocks him off a couple more times. This is just SO.... SLOW. They do it again to really slow things down. Macho blocks a suplex and gives a Stun Gun to come back. Macho heads up top and comes off with a splash for 1. Avalanche no sells a couple of clotheslines. Macho tries a sunset flip but Avalanche sits on him. Avalanche does the Andre spot to crickets and splashes for 2. Avalanche stomps around and calls for the Earthquake splash but Macho must have scouted it out becaues he moves. Avalanche with more right hands in the corner. Macho comes back with a back elbow and a school boy for 2 but should have been 3 since Avalanche can't be bothered to get off the mat. Brain: “That was a lucky count. He kicked out but his shoulders were still down. Referee could have counted him to 3.” Macho heads up for another double ax handle but Avalanche catches him and drives him into the turnbuckle. Avalanche with a World's Strongest Slam as the match drags on past the 6 hour mark. Avalanche with a QUICK SPLASH off the second rope but Macho avoids. Avalanche bails and Macho heads up top and follows out with the SAVAGE HAMMER! BUT WAIT! A.... woman? Or better yet RIC FLAIR IN DRAG HAS COME OUT! He waffles Macho and the ref. Flair goes to the chops as the crew still plays dumb. Tony: “Now, remember this is Uncensored so the match will continue.” Back in, Avalanche hits the Earthquake splash. Flair moves in for the kill BUT MY GOODNESS! IT'S HULK HOGAN! He runs off the heels as the ref recovers and says THE MATCH MUST CONTINUE BECAUSE IT'S UNCENSORED! Wait, no he doesn't. Instead, he calls for the bell and Macho wins by DQ at 12:03. This match is horribly uninteresting and drags on forever. Why couldn't we just have Flair-Macho with Avalanche interfering, at least that way we'd have a *** match before the shit sandwich ending? Also, why is Flair in drag? Why couldn't he just be... RIC FLAIR DOING A RUN IN?! Or maybe the Black Scorpion if he was trying to avoid Hogan. Another waste of time. DUD
• Meanwhile, Tenay is in the back with Harlem Heat and Sherri. Stevie is jacked that for tonight there are “no rules and no regulations.” Oh hell, now he can FINALLY start parking in handicapped parking spots and constructing office buildings that are not following OSHA and EPA standards! Booker says he might hit someone with something foreign, if you know what he's saying (?!) and he'll leave Tupelo “obliviated.” Tenay either must be getting a lot of feedback in his ears about hurrying things up or just sucks at this whole interviewing thing because for the second time tonight, he cuts off a second in the middle of their promo and Sherri stares a hole through him.
• Anything Goes Match: Sting vs. Big Bubba Rogers. Bubba is Bossman, Ray Traylor, Guardian Angel. Bossman is in a suit and a fedora as apart of the moniker change to “Big Bubba.” Bossman wants to point his finger at Sting to start so Sting bites it and then punches him down. Sting steals his hat and coat and chokes him with it. Sting dropkicks him down and Bossman takes a breather. Bossman wants the hat back but instead Sting teases him, legdrops it and tosses it into the crowd to a pop. Sting with a backdrop. Brain tries to stick up for Bossman and Tony showing that he too has a sense of humor from having to laboriously drill over and over again that it's uncensored, decides to put on airs to mock the PPV. Brain: “He just threw away another man's property.” Tony: “Too bad, it's UNCENSORED, BRAIN!” Brain: “I know that, SCHIAVONE!” Sting with an eye gouge and boots Bossman down. Sting with a bodyslam and plays to the crowd. Sting with an elbow drop and wants more. More eye gouging from Sting and he sends Bossman into the turnbuckles a couple more times. This is squash city. Sting with a right hand and Bossman bumps like he's Perfect selling for Goldberg by jumping out of the ring. Bossman tries to trip up Sting and crotch him on the ringpost but Sting no sells and paintbrushes him down with the boot and splashes him. GET UP! Sting with more haymakers and is just beating the shit out of Bossman. Bossman baseball slides to the floor and runs Sting around the pass. Back in, Sting with a leapfrog but doesn't get enough height and he goes down in a heap selling the knee. I don't know if that was the spot, but that's entirely believable and a cool spot regardless. And now WE GO TO SCHOOL, COBB COUNTY STYLE! Bossman works the leg for a bit and mouths off to the crowd. Bossman with the spinning toe hold. Schiavone brings up Sting's knee injury from FIVE YEARS AGO THAT CAUSED LUGER TO SLIDE INTO THE PROGRAM AGAINST FLAIR! Very nice continuity and “research” from Tony. Bossman drops a few knees on the leg and clips it again. Bossman poses to a SWARM of boos. Sting comes back with jabs and Bossman clips the knee again and goes back to the spinning toe hold. NICE! Bossman now smacks HIM around as payback. Bossman with a Bossman attack and baseball slides out to give him a throat thurst. The arena starts rumbling with support for Sting. Bubba clips the knee again and wants a piledriver but Sting counters with a backdrop BUT THE KNEE BUCKLES! Bossman drops a knee on it and drags him back to the middle for more torquing it. Bossman sends him into the turnbuckle and punches him down and the place is in disbelief. Bossman goes to a half crab and mugs for the camera. Sting tries to power out so Bossman SWITCHES TO AN ANKLELOCK! Bossman slams him down and heads up top but then slips and falls off to completely blow Sting's comeback spot. Well, that sucks. Sting heads up top and hits a SCORPION HAMMER OFF THE TOP! He still sells the leg. He goes for a slam but the knee is still too hurt. Bossman wants the throat thrust again but Sting avoids and drags him back in the ring with a choke and then goes to the sleeper to another pop. Sting throws him into the turnbuckle and then reapplies. Bossman counters by USING THE TIE TO GET A JAWBREAKER! SWEET! Sting ducks a shot and folds him up with a BEAST German suplex! Sting throws him down and heads up top and hits a Splash and covers for 1, 2, 2 ½! Sting with a back elbow and Bossman goes down but falls into the bad knee! OH NO! NOT THE KNEE! Bossman tries a charge but Sting ducks and Bossman eats turnbuckle. Sting tries a bodyslam but the knee buckles and Bossman falls on top for the 1, 2, 3(!) to win it at 13:46. Wasn't expecting that finish at all, even if it was PERFECTLY developed off the psychology. I was expecting a Sting comeback moreso because I imagine Bossman as the epitome of midcard everywhere as Sting as a main eventer pretty much anywhere. Either way, even if the ending was a big unexpected, that's a REALLY solid, good match. ***1/2
• Texas Tornado, Falls Count Anywhere Match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship: The Nasty Boys vs. Harlem Heat (c). Pre-match, Knobbs cuts a promo declaring they are about to tear down “Tucson.” Too bad the PPV is in Tupelo. Then both Nasties say they are going to stuff the Harlem Heat in the trash. Did we really need two promos and THREE video packages for this match? HH music plays but only Sherri comes out. The Nasties are out and want a piece of Sherri. The crowd chants for the Nasties as she claims she doesn't know where HH is. That allows Book and Stevie to jump them from behind. Book throws Sags to the floor. Book now goes to work on Knobbs with nothing. Stevie with a clothesline and poses to crickets. Sags can't get in the ring as they keep gingerly knocking him off the apron. Book with a Harlem sidekick on Knobbs called a “knee to the jaw” by Schiavone. Book now throws Sags into the ringpost. Stevie gets Knobbs up for a spike piledriver with Book coming off the top. Unfortunately, Stevie sucks and TWISTS on the way down and I don't know how Knobbs didn't break his neck. HORRIBLE looking move. Sags back in for nothing so Stevie takes him to the floor as Book chokes Knobbs. This sucks already. Two minutes in and we're in negative territory. HH team up for a big boot on Sags that he completely no sells. Sags no sells more kicks from Book on the floor and throws him into the guardrail to a pop. Knobbs with a clothesline on Stevie. The Nasties with a double punch on Stevie and they bring Sherri into the ring. Knobbs shoves her into Sag's arm pit to a pop. Sags no sells some more stuff from Stevie and dumps a trashcan on his head. Knobbs with a clothesline and shitcans Book. Sags throws Stevie into some pretty ghetto looking concession stands on the floor of the arena. Stevie no sells and SHOOTS FOR A SINGLE LEG! STEVIE RAY, HOOKER! Sags tries to throw some cotton candy at Stevie but Sherri chokes him from behind. Tony: “We are in the midst of a foodfight here.” Stevie now tries to smother Sags with some cotton candy as Book is FINALLY stumbling over to the concessions after disappearing for like 3 minutes. Knobbs throws a container at Stevie but slips in the slushie mix that's been spilled on the floor. Book tries to Pounce Sags but wipes out in the slush as well. More sloppy brawling. Knobbs gets the condiments and waffles Stevie with a huge jar. Tony: “THERE'S MUSTARD EVERYWHERE!” Knobbs tries a hockey stick shot but slips and falls down. This is bad. Like really bad. Brain knows it too: “Just wait til they get to the mayo, ketchup, RELISH, ONIONS!” Book sends Knobbs into the funnel cakes and starts choking him. Sherri is here during all of this struggling to stand up and trying to choke the Nasties. HERE'STHECOVER on Knobbs for 1, 2, 2 ½! Who thought it was a good idea to kickout? Sags breaks a basket over Stevie's head as Sherri gets sent into a trash can. Book whips Knobbs into the funnel cakes stand one more time as the whole thing collapses and they all wipe out. Crowd pops for that more out of pity than excitement. Sags with a low blow on Stevie. Knobbs with a World's Strongest Slam on Book. WHY IS THIS STILL GOING ON?! JUST FUCKING PIN SOMEONE! Book kicks out of the WSS as we follow Stevie and Sags into some lighting equipment. The bell mysteriously rings at 8:39. The crew has no idea what happened. Sags shoves Sherri down into the slush as Knobbs drops a sign and some trash on Book. Tony: “I believe they pinned someone over in the, uh, popcorn area.” The problem is there is no popcorn area. We get a replay and turns out Book didn't kick out of the WSS even though he tried. The Nasties don't even get their belts before we are quickly moved on to the next match.
• This is easily the worst match of the night. I'd rather see Repo and Goldust have ten King of the Road matches than watch this atrocity ever again. It was wretched even before they decided to make Wrestlecrap history by moving over to concessions. The awful piledriver, dead crowd, no selling, just AWFUL. WCW would learn their lesson by having Harlem Heat take on Public Enemy two years later in THE EXACT SAME STIPULATION AT THE EXACT SAME PPV! -***
• Meanwhile, Tenay is in the back with Vader. Vader steals the mic and scares away Tenay. Vader cuts a pretty strong promo about how Hogan has nowhere else to hide and because it's UNCENSORED, UNSANCTIONED, Hogan's in trouble. He puts over the “23 world titles” that he and Flair have put together. Vader hands over the mike and then continues to cut a promo anyway showing he doesn't need the microphone. Awesome. Flair cuts the standard about how he heard for his whole career that Hogan was the guy and that Flair couldn't beat him but tonight he's helping end Hulkamania. The most unusual thing about this is that Flair is still wearing some eyeliner and eyeshadow from his drag performance. That's very method of Flair.
• Then we get clips of Flair helping Vader attack Hogan and Hogan fighting back with a leather strap and hinting at an “ultimate surprise” aka Renegade. For those wondering, this has nothing to do with the Yappipi (Apple Pie) Indian Strap match between Hogan and Flair. That was at Uncensored 2000.
• Indian Strap Match: Vader vs. Hulk Hogan. For whatever reason, the WCW world heavyweight championship is not on the line. Hogan is out next but as Tony has to know WHERE THE FUCK IS JIMMY HART?!? WHERE IS RENEGADE!? Now the rules here are key: you have to beat down your opponent and drag him using the strap to all four corners. Flair waffles the ref and now he and Vader try to corner Hogan to put on the strap. BUT WAIT! RENEGADE HAS COME OUT! He clears the ring through sheer intensity. In fact, Flair doesn't immediately powder out and Renegade doesn't even want to clothesline him out and instead just charges at him again. Flair throws a right hand but Renegade blocks it and just powers Flair down if you want to be kind. More like, he stands there and screams while Flair tries to make him look good. ANYWAY, Vader and Hogan start brawling as the match has begun as Renegade is holding off Flair in fear.
• Hogan chokes Vader with the strap. Back in, Hogan gouges Vader's eye but Flair sneaks back to ringside. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT?! Renegade's powers must only work on the front half of the entrance ramp and not the side because Flair had no problem going around him. More choking from Hogan with the strap and he bites Vader's nose. Hogan mounts in the corner with more choking. Renegade finally realizes Flair's out there and stalks him around the ring. Hogan whips Vader with the strap a couple times. Flair slides in to avoid Renegade and Hogan whips him too. Flair slides back in but Renegade is right there to no sell some chops. Flair begs off and runs back up the ramp even though Renegade HASN'T FUCKING TOUCHED HIM! Renegade runs him to the back again apparently. I'll admit the crowd is popping for this even though it sucks. Hogan with a right hand on Vader and he bails. Renegade slides Vader back in for more punishment. Vader uses the strap to pull Hogan into a couple Ho Trains. Flair is back ringside AGAIN. Tony reminds us of the rules again. Remember, you must drag your OPPONENT to all four corners. Vader slams down Hogan as Flair struts. Vader hits the VaderBomb and tries to carry Hogan to the corners???? No, of course not, silly mark. Vader goes to a RESTHOLD! Vader now pulls the strap off Hogan's wrist and blasts him with it a few times. BUT WAIT! JIMMY HART HAS COME OUT! He looks homeless due to being kidnapped and presumably tortured by Flair and Vader earlier in the night. Vader continues whipping Hogan although he seems in no hurry to try and win the match. Vader gets a chair but Jimmy distracts him from behind. Hogan with a couple of chairshots on Vader to cut him off and a running chairshot. Those didn't have a lot of thrust behind them so it's not quite as cool as it sounds. Hogan whips Vader some more with the strap as Renegade keeps Flair at bay. Hogan now uses the strap for leverage as he's put it back on Vader and uses the momentum to pull him into the ringpost a few times. Good sound effect on that. Hogan with another chairshot and plays to the crowd. Renegade and Flair now get in the ring to bring some workrate to the party, at least one of them. Renegade no sells a shoulderblock and again just stands there and screams. Flair begs off again. Back in, Hogan whips Vader with the strap some more. Tony: “There has been no attempt by either man to win the match.” Brain: “None.” Hogan now low blows Vader with the strap. More whipping from Hogan and a very timid shitcan. Hogan wants Renegade's help to scare Flair away. Hogan with more indiscriminate whipping on Vader as Flair continues trying to evade Hogan on the top rope. This is ass. Hogan at least has transitioned into trying to win. Hogan touches two ringposts on the floor but Vader cuts him off and whips him back into the guardrail. Vader with a headbutt and a shot for Renegade. Renegade no sells but doesn't retaliate. Brain: “Tupelo is going to be talking about this for a long time. The world is going to be talking about UNCENSORED!” Back in, Vader with a chokeslam and a splash to boos. Vader whips him a couple times. TRY TO WIN THE FUCKING MATCH! Vader with a suplex and more posing. Hogan skips the Hulking up and goes straight to the no selling. Hogan with the big boot and leg drop. Hogan reaches 3 corners and stretches for the fourth. BUT WAIT! A MASKED MAN HAS COME OUT! The masked man gives Renegade a chairshot. Flair slides in and gives Hogan a chairshot from behind. Vader now drags Hogan to two corners. Renegade no sells so Flair chairshots him down again. 3 corners for Vader and he can win it but Flair wants more punishment instead with a splash. Hogan moves out of the way of the splash and Flair is in disbelief. He SMARTLY removes the strap from Vader and drags him to the floor so Hogan can't drag him to the turnbuckles. Flair breaks a wooden chair over Hogan's back but Hogan Hulks up and starts whipping Flair with the strap. Hogan tries to tear Flair's shirt off and now straps himself to Flair. WHY?! Brain: “But he's gotta do it to Vader!” Hogan drags Flair to all four corners and the bell rings at 18:26 to end this monstrosity even though Flair wasn't the legal man. Gotta love screwjobs in non-title gimmick matches on PPV.
• Post-match, the Renegade recovers and the Masked Man comes back out. Flair loves it because they had the advantage of 3-2. BUT WAIT! A TIED UP ARN ANDERSON HAS COME OUT! You see, Arn was the first masked man but now the SECOND masked man turns on Vader and Flair. He unmasks as Macho Man Randy Savage. I fail to see how that makes any sense. Why would Arn come out as a masked man and go backstage to get beat up by Macho? This shit makes my head hurt.
• I might have to take back what I said about the overbooking at Night of Champions 2011 for the street fight between Trips and Punk as having one of the worst overbooked finishes of all time. That match was not good and had an even worse finish but it has NOTHING on the stink of this shit. Why is the masked man under a mask? Was he Flair's “ultimate surprise”? Ultimate Warrior? Also, if Flair and Vader had another guy on their side, how did Jimmy Hart manage to escape? Only Hogan could find a way to job Flair out even when he's not booked. -**
The 411: They have a special circle in hell for wrestling shows like this. This thing will suck your soul dry of all the humanity inside you. Please, don't watch this. But if you MUST, you have to be under the same cocktail of influences that the booking committee was at the time.