100 Percent Fordified: CHIKARA A Death Worse Than Fate
Posted by Kevin Ford on 03.28.2012
UltraMantis Black just can't catch a break.
Reading, PA – 2.25.2012
Commetnary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, Gavin Loudspeaker, Leonard F. Chikarason, Mike Quackenbush, and Tim Donst.
Green Ant says Ophidian’s been jumping people from behind, but now he gets to see him face to face. He reminds us that he was the first person to make Mike Quackenbush tap out in CHIKARA history (unsure of the validity of this statement) and vows to defeat Ophidian tonight.
Green Ant vs. Ophidian
The ringside attendant clears the items in the ring, but Ophidian insists that the masks of Amasis, Hieracon and himself all stay in his corner. Green Ant rolls up Ophidian for two. He goes for Ophidian’s arm while Ophidian digs his elbow into Green Ant’s knee. Referee Jon Barber catches Ophidian grabbing the ropes in a roll-up. Green Ant snapmares him into a crucifix for two. Green Ant armdrags him into another pin attempt for two. Ophidian talks to his masks looking for support. His overhand chop has no effect. Green Ant chops Ophidian after an armdrag. Ophidian grabs Green Ant’s throat to stop his chop barrage. Ophidian thrusts Green Ant right in the throat and chokes him on the mat. Green Ant throws some forearms but eats an enzuigiri. Ophidian claws Green Ant’s clavicle. Green Ant escapes. Ophidian thrusts his hands into Green Ant’s throat again. Ophidian headstands into a headbutt to the ribs. Ophidian applies a guillotine which Green Ant turns into a sit-out gord buster. Ophidian thrusts Green Ant’s throat and rolls to the floor. Barber checks on Green Ant in the mean time. Ophidian seems to have stuffed something in his tights. He uses scissors to cut off the top turnbuckle pad. Green Ant ducks a clothesline and boots Ophidian to the floor. Ophidian slips out of a suplex. Green Ant avoids being thrown into the exposed turnbuckle and O’Conner rolls Ophidian for two. Green Ant hits a lariat, taking both men down. Green Ant fires up when Ophidian begins throwing headbutts. Green Ant hits one of his own. He slams Ophidian face first for a two count. Ophidian drops Green Ant throat first on the exposed turnbuckle. Ophidian puts on the Cobra Clutch Death Grip, causing Green Ant to tap out at 10:49. Ophidian’s new character is missing something. I just feel like the crowd isn’t responding to him or taking him seriously. His work is excellent and he and Green Ant told a terrific story, yet the crowd just sat on their hands for Ophidian’s offense. There’s definitely potential, but something has to change. **1/2
Saturyne vs. El Hijo del Ice Cream
This is a bonus match, not originally scheduled for the card. Hijo pokes Saturyne’s eyes to exchange a wristlock. Saturyne snapmares Hijo across the ring. Hijo jabs her in the throat after placing her on the top rope. Saturyne flips off the top with an armdrag. She headscissors Hijo to the floor. Saturyne crossbody’s off the top onto her. She tries for another crossbody back in the ring. Hijo catches Saturyne and Samoan Drops her. Hijo spins her out by her hair for a one count. Hijo rakes her face with the sole of his feet for two. Saturyne kicks Hijo in the face a few times. She rolls up Hijo into a sunset flip for two. Hijo side steps a dropkick and spins Saturyne out by the hair once again. Hijo drops his knees across her mid-section for two. Saturyne evades a third hair spin. She dropkicks Hijo and heads up top. Hijo catches her crossbody again. She turns a Samoan Drop into a crucifix pin for two. Saturyne flips over Hijo and dropkicks him into a corner. Hijo elbows her, but Saturyne is able to trip Hijo in response. Hijo suplexes her for two. Saturyne delivers a wheelbarrow bulldog. She hits a springboard huracanrana for the pin at 6:32. It seems pretty obvious that Saturyne has worked her tail off to get good quickly. Her mini-program with the Ice Creams is a fun one and I look forward to seeing more out of her in the following months. **1/4
The Colony (Fire Ant & Soldier Ant) vs. The Throwbacks (Dasher Hatfield & Mark Angelosetti)
For the record, Angelosetti is Mr. Touchdown. Angelosetti does a bit of showboating instead of locking up with Soldier Ant. Fire Ant ducks under Angelosetti’s leapfrogs and takes him over with a fireman’s carry. Fire Ant kicks Hatfield out of the corner. Fire Ant goes for a quesadora armdrag off the ropes. Hatfield blocks and armdrags Fire Ant to the floor. Soldier Ant quesadora’s into a sunset flip. Hatfield gets up but gets armdragged to the floor. Soldier Ant salutes to Angelosetti which throws him off. Soldier Ant kicks Angelosetti in the face when he takes a three point stance. Angelosetti gives him a backbreaker and a gut buster. Soldier Ant tries to dive over Angelosetti for a tag. Angelosetti catches Soldier Ant and rams him into the corner. He gives Soldier Ant a few shoulder blocks in the corner. He snapmares Soldier Ant into a pin. Hatfield begins to run the bases for a baseball slide to Soldier Ant in the corner. Angelosetti cuts him off with a blind tag and dropkicks Soldier Ant himself. Angelsoetti does some football drill inspired offense. Soldier Ant uses a prawn hold to roll to Fire Ant. Fire Ant crossbody’s in and delivers a dropkick. He blocks Hatfield’s overhand chop and flips onto Hatfield’s shoulders. He turns that into a satellite headscissors. Angelosetti goes for a tackle. Fire Ant leapfrogs, sending Angelosetti to the floor. Fire Ant follows with a tope con hilo. Soldier Ant salutes while giving Hatfield a headscissors. They give Hatfield the Revenge of the Ants. Angelosetti shoulder blocks both of them. Hatfield and Angelosettideliver a neckbreaker/slam combo. Fire Ant breaks the pin. Hatfield wheelbarrows Fire Ant and Angelosetti drops him with a stunner. Soldier Ant breaks that cover. Angelosetti blocks a TKO with an overhead suplex for two. A guy with a Green Ant mask comes out and shoves Hatfield off the top rope. Jon Barber calls for the bell at 9:41 awarding the win to the Throwbacks via DQ. Angelsoetti is so over already. He had the fans chanting nerds before he did anything and kept being entertaining throughout the entire match. There was a lot of energy and fun action here. Obviously with a clean finish this would have been better, but this was enjoyable regardless. **3/4
Jigsaw says he and Brodie Lee never got to meet up in the “12 Large: Summit” like they were supposed to due to Lee being injured. Jigsaw is not afraid of the Big Rig and plans to take him out tonight.
Jigsaw vs. Brodie Lee
Brodie is still repping the Blood Warriors even though it’s been three months since he had any Dragon Gate involvement. Jigsaw throws some forearms to try and offset Lee’s early offense. They go to the floor to continue their strike battle. Jigsaw sole butts Lee back in the ring. Jigsaw huracanrana’s Lee back to the floor. Lee blocks Jigsaw’s pescado and chokeslams Jigsaw onto the ring apron. Lee then backdrops Jigsaw on the ring apron. Lee busts out a slingshot senton which impresses everyone. Lee stands on Jigsaw’s throat in the corner. Jigsaw snaps Lee’s neck across the top rope. Lee clotheslines Jigsaw to stop his momentum. Jigsaw ducks a boot and a suplex. Lee does however deliver a dropkick for two. Lee picks up Jigsaw by his mask and slams him on his neck for two. Jigsaw hops over Lee but eats a forearm. He drops the top rope to send Lee outside. Jigsaw suicide dives out after him. Jigsaw elbows and enzuigiri’s Lee back in the ring. Jigsaw slingshots in with a double stomp in the corner. Lee doesn’t even let Jigsaw get a one count. Jigsaw blocks a suplex but eats a lariat. Lee dumps Jigsaw on his neck in a half-nelson suplex for two. Jigsaw prawn holds Lee to block a chokeslam for two. Jigsaw superkicks and German suplexes him for two. Jigsaw doublestomps Lee’s back. Jigsaw comes off the top again but Lee catches him with a boot to the chest for two. Lee hits the Truck Stop. A big boot in the corner leads to a Running Powrbomb for the pin at 8:36. Lee is tearing things up in his 12: Large redemption bouts. He and Jigsaw had a great slugfest with Lee destroying Jigsaw in grand fashion. Lee’s act in CHIKARA does not get old for me. ***
Lee grabs the microphone afterwards. He doesn’t care who wins the Grand Championship match tomorrow night. He wants a shot at whomever the champion is in Canada next month.
Kobald says history was made in Reading when The Batiri revealed themselves back in December 2010. He plans to make history again by defeating Colt Cabana tonight. He says everyone will remember his name before the world ends in 2012.
Colt Cabana vs. Kobald
Cabana feels nothing when Kobald jumps on his back. Cabana rips one of Kobald’s earrings off. He tosses it in the air and trips Kobald into a pin. Kobald tries crawling away but gets Kiwi rolled around the ring. Cabana turns that into an Airplane Spin. Kobald rolls to the floor while Cabana asks Bryce Remsburg to help cool him off. Kobald hides in the crowd. Cabana calls out a fan for looking like Seth Rogan (the fan totally does). He catches Kobald hiding under a jacket and puts on a side headlock. Cabana delivers a punch to the head. Kobald shoves Cabana’s shoulder into the ring post. Cabana however is able to slam Kobald back into the ring. Kobald spears Cabana as Cabana pops out of the corner. Kobald throws various strikes at Cabana’s mid-section and knees him to the floor. They trade chops. Kobald rakes Cabana’s eyes and brings him back in the ring. He gets two with a slingshot splash. Kobald puts on a seated abdominal stretch. Cabana picks up and backs Kobald to the corner. Cabana hops up so Kobald accidentally spears the ring post instead of him. Cabana delivers a Bionic Elbow after some punches. He hits the Flying Asshole for two. Kobald bits Cabana’s neck. Cabana shoves Kobald off and hip attacks him for two. He drops Kobald chest first across the top turnbuckle. Cabana locks in the Billy Goat’s Curse for the submission victory at 8:11. Amusing moments here and there, but this lacked something for a truly coherent package. I am thrilled Cabana is appearing in CHIKARA more often and I hope it leads to a substantial storyline as opposed to random one-off matches. Kobald still needs some work, but he’s improving. **
Eddie Kingston, Gregory Iron, & 3.0. (Scott “Jagged” Parker & Shane Matthews) vs. Die Brüderschaft des Kreuzes (Tim Donst & Jakob Hammermeier) & The Batiri (Obariyon & Kodama)
The Tecnico team may seem random, and it is, butWink Vavasseur put them together because he feels they could be “The Beatles of CHIKARA.” I’m not sure what he means by that. We’ll see about that. Hammermeier’s gear is now close to identical to Donst’s. Donst chokes Jagged with his own arm. He throws Jagged to the mat by his hair. Jagged hits a leg lariat and backdrops Hammermeier while putting Donst in a headlock. Matthews comes in the ring. Kingston feeds him a red bull to bring Matthews’ energy up even more. Hammermeier slaps him in the corner, causing Matthews to chase him around the arena. Matthews hits a dropkick back in the ring and puts on the Boston Crab. He kicks Hammermeier to the floor, bringing in Obariyon and Iron. Iron delivers some armdrags to finish some back and forth off the ropes. Iron drives Obariyon’s face into his knee and clotheslines him to the floor. Iron sentons Kodama and tags in Kingston. Kingston punches Kodama in the kidney a few times and suplexes him for two. Kingston gives Kodama a backbreaker, leading to Jagged giving Kodama a kneestrike to his head. Kingston seems weary of this. 3.0. then double team Kodama to the crowds delight. They even drive Iron feet first into Kodama. Donst knees Iron from the apron. Kodama dropkicks him for two. Thus begins the Rudos beating down Iron in their corner. Iron makes a tag out to Kingston when he shoves Donst to the floor and kicks Obariyon back to his corner. Kingston suplexes Donst, Hammermeier, and Kodama and STO’s Obariyon. Jagged dives onto Donst and Obariyon on the floor. Iron suciide dives onto The Batiri and Donst, as does Kingston. Matthews does his patented headscissors to every one of his opponents separately. He puts Obariyon in the Boston Crab. Kodama dropkicks Matthews to free his partner. Kodama trips Kingston into a knee strike from Obariyon. Iron double back elbows The Batiri from the second rope. Hammermeier gives Iron a backbreaker. Jagged Gory Bombs Hammermeier, and Donst drops Jagged with a Gator Roll. All four Tecnicos lay out the four Rudos with stereo Backfists. Donst twists Iron’s nipples when they come to. Iron ducks a bulldog and delivers one of his own. Donst pulls something out of his tights while Hammermeier distracts Bryce. Donst chokes Iron with his wrist tape and puts Iron in a choke with whatever item he had in his tights. The Batiri prevent 3.0. from making the save. Kodama gives Kingston a flying blockbuster to stop him as well. Iron passes out at 19:01. We’re on a roll with the fun matches on this evening. Then again, with these eight men were you expecting anything else? Donst really is poised to break out even further one of these days. Him vs. Kingston for the Grand Championship would be fantastic. Everyone did an excellent job in their roles and the match itself flew by. ***1/4
Sara Del Rey vs. Archibald Peck
Veronica is in Peck’s corner but is not happy and is all business. Peck welcomes Sara to his ring and glove slaps her. Sara slaps back. They each hold up a fist but cool down before throwing them. Peck claims Sara pulled his hair after throwing her to the corner. Peck shows off his muscles to signify his desire for a test of strength. Peck mocks Sara’s height by putting his hand up high. Sara kicks his legs out. She teases Peck in the same manner, causing Peck to pout. Sara apologies but he still denies her the test of strength. She tricks him into it by pretending to throw a knee. She flips Peck over trying to pin his shoulders to the mat. Sara kicks him in the chest and drives his head into her knees. She puts on a sleeper hold. Peck bites her finger to break the hold. Sara kicks Peck multiple times in the corner. She does the same after trapping Peck in the ropes. Peck manages to elbow Sara to the floor. He goes for a pescado but Sara calmly walks out of his trajectory. Peck uses Veronica to distract Sara. He is able to deliver a boot and slam Sara stomach first into the ring post. Peck asks the fans who the new Queen of wrestling is. Peck is the best. Peck stomps Sara down back in the ring. Veronica yells at Peck to stay on Sara when he chooses to mock her by fake crying. Peck applies a waistlock to further wear down Sara’s mid-section. She escapes but gets kicked in the gut right after. Sara schoolboys Peck head first into the second turnbuckle. Peck airplane spins Sara into a gutbuster. Peck claws Sara’s mid-section in an abdominal stretch. Peck bites Sara in the stomach too. Peck plans to kick Sara while she’s trapped in the ropes like Sara did before. She escapes immediately and kicks the second rope into Peck’s groin. Sara sentons off the apron and kicks Peck back in the ring for two. Peck evades the Royal Butterfly. He tells Veronica to look at how good he’s doing. At the time, Sara puts on a cross armbreaker. Peck gets the ropes to break. Sara Northern Lights suplexes her way out of a stomach claw. Peck spins Sara in a Quackendriver I position. He drops her instead of slamming her forward for two. Peck calls for the Cranial Crescendo. Sara crotches him on the ropes instead. Veronica enters the ring and tosses the baton to Peck. Bryce catches him with it. Sara Koppu kicks Veronica! She gives Peck one right after. Sara puts Peck in the Royal Butterfly. Peck gives up at 16:29. This match lost its steam along the way and caused the rest of it to drag. It was a pretty good match overall, but really could have stood to lose about five minutes. Sara continues to dominate while Peck continues to lose. **3/4
Peck is distraught to find Veronica laid out on the floor. Peck carries her backstage like a true gentlemen, but gives a few goofy cries of "NOOOOO!" for good measure.
UltraMantis Black says he has never held a title in CHIKARA (true!) even though he has been there for ten years. His partner Hallowicked, however, was Young Lions Cup champion, a Campeon de Parejas, and Tag World Grand Prix winner. Mantis believes with Hallowicked he will finally get some gold by defeating F.I.S.T for Los Campeonatos de Parejas.
Campeonatos de Parjeas
F.I.S.T. (Chuck Taylor & Icarus) vs. The Spectral Envoy (UltraMantis Black & Hallowicked)
Icarus is substituting for Johnny Gargano, who suffered a severe back injury at “EVOLVE 10”. Taylor and Icarus are both in the ring when the bell sounds. Mantis throws their heads together. He and Hallowicked give Taylor a double flapjack. Hallowicked slingshots Icarus into the ring and gives him a double hip toss with Mantis. Mantis tries to rip Icarus’ gross mustache off his face. Mantis monkey flips Icarus and suplexes him twice for a two count. Hallowicked snapmares Icarus for two after splashing him in the corner. Taylor knees Hallowicked from the apron. Hallowicked armdrags Taylor to the corner. Hallowicked kicks him from the apron and schoolboys him for two. Hallowicked gives him a step-up enzuigiri. He tags in Mantis who comes off the second rope for a legdrop/side slam combo. Taylor pokes Mantis in the eyes. He tags in Icarus who gets choked in the corner. He rakes Icarus’ face across the top rope. Hallowicked crucifix pins Icarus for two. Icarus flips Hallowicked to the corner. Icarus slips out so Taylor can attack Mantis from behind. Taylor bites Mantis’ arm. Hallowicked snapmares Taylor into a legdrop for two. Icarus tags in and takes control. Hallowicked send Taylor to the floor. Taylor trips Hallowicked to stop his super snapmare. He hands Icarus some salt which he throws in Hallowicked’s eye holes. Icarus rolls up Hallowicked for the pin at 7:35, giving F.I.S.T. the first fall. Taylor bites Hallowicked’s stem at the start of the second fall. F.I.S.T keep control of Hallowicked, using some illegal double teaming and choking when possible. Hallowicked evades Taylor’s moonsault. Icarus knocks Mantis off the apron to prevent a tag. Taylor boots Hallowicked down in the corner. Icarus puts on a headlock and a chinlock. Hallowicked suplexes out of it and tags in Mantis. Mantis takes out both members of F.I.S.T. with back elbows. Some Mongolian chops and a clothesline get him a two count on Taylor. Icarus knee lifts Mantis to stop his dive. Hallowicked big boots Icarus for the pin at 15:12, tying up the match at one fall a piece. Taylor gives Hallowicked the Sole Food. Hallowicked delivers the Rydeen Bomb for two thanks to Icarus. Hallowicked step-up enzuigiri’s Icarus. Taylor superkicks Hallowicked into a German suplex from Icarus. Mantis breaks the pin. Mantis full nelson slams Icarus. Taylor breaks that count. Taylor kicks Mantis into Icarus’ back cracker for two. Hallowicked gives Taylor Go 2 Sleepy Hollow. He super snapmares Icarus onto Taylor for two. Icarus and Mantis fight for their finishers. Taylor accidentally throws salt into Icarus’ eyes. Icarus gives Taylor the Wings of Icarus accidentally. Hallowicked yakuza kicks Icarus. Mantis drops him with the Praying Mantis Bomb. Taylor pulls Bryce out of the ring to save his titles. Taylor snaps Mantis’ neck on the middle rope. Hallowicked dives onto Taylor. Delirious, in his green outfit, comes out and puts Mantis on top of Icarus for the cover. Delirious then turns around and gives Mantis the Praying Mantis Bomb! Icarus crawls onto Mantis to score the third and final pin at 19:51. The final fall picked things up (especially the finish) but before that it was fairly pedestrian stuff from both teams. It was still a good match and main event but just not quite as good as I was hoping for. This is the second time that in the month of February (now and in 2010) that Delirious would cost Mantis Los Campeonatos de Parejas. ***1/4
The 411: This was a major step up from the season premiere, and really everything it should have been. The action was consistent, the crowd was into pretty much everything, and there was lots of storyline advancement. There isn't one particular match that will totally blow your mind, but this was a very fun and easy watch. I'm really intrigued to see where everyone goes in the future. It's rare you find a company that makes you care about just about everyone on the roster, but CHIKARA has managed to do so. Again, this show isn't amazing or anything, but certainly a nice piece of the overall CHIKARA story. You can buy this show on DVD, as a digital download, or On Demand at Smart Mark Video. The DVD is also available through CHIKARA's Store.Be sure to check out all of my CHIKARA reviews at my CHIKARA blog; "The CHIKARA Special" and all the CHIKARA news over at "The CHIKARA Special" Tumblr.