100 Percent Fordified: CHIKARA The Zodiac Crimes
Posted by Kevin Ford on 11.11.2012
Hooray for filler!
Gibsonville, NC – 10.7.2012
Commentary is provided by Mike Quackenbush, Gavin Loudspeaker, UltraMantis Black, Bryce Remsburg, and Dasher Hatfield.
Gavin Loudspeaker sings a version of The Gap Band’s “You Dropped a Bomb on Me” to open the show. Like all of his songs, it rules.
The Bravado Brothers are happy to be in their hometown of North Carolina. Harlem says there is no better place for them to earn their third point. After tonight, he says the Throwbacks will be on the Bravado Bandwagon.
The Throwbacks (Dasher Hatfield & "Mr. Touchdown" Mark Angelosetti) vs. The Bravado Bros. (Harlem Bravado & Lancelot Bravado)
Veronica Ticklefeather is in the Throwbacks’ corner. They abide to the Code of Honor at the request of the Bravados. Hatfield and Harlem each go for an early cradle. Hatfield gives him an armdrag. Harlem gets two with a backslide. Hatfield elbows him in the mid-section and arm whips him into a courting hold armdrag. Hatfield evades a backdrop and spanks Harlem’s buttocks. He gives Harlem his own backdrop before tagging in Angelosetti. He bodyslams Lancelot. He splashes onto Lancelot twice, hits the Tebow pose, then drops a knee onto his face. Harlem calls for half time whilst blowing an air horn in the corner. As both teas cool off, Veronica provides us with some half-time cheerleading. She isn’t the best cheerleader, so Harlem decides to do his own cheerleading. He is WAY better than her to the point where Hatfield offers him a handshake. The second half sees Hatfield hike the ball to Angelosetti. He tackles Lancelot to the floor and Harlem shoves Hatfield out as well. Harlem catches the charging Angelosetti with a bicycle kick. He spikes the ball into the crowd before getting a two count. The Bravados keep Angelosetti in their corner until he evades corner attacks from them both. Hatfield tags in and comes off the second rope with a crossbody to both Bravados. He gets two with a Jackhammer on Harlem. Lancelot catches him with a TKO. Angelosetti powerslams Lancelot, then takes a slingshot Diamond Dust and a tornado DDT from Harlem. The Bravados hit Hatfield with the Gentleman’s Agreement for two. Veronica accidentally grabs Hatfield’s foot as he gets whipped to the ropes. Bryce Remsburg admonishes her as Harlem O’Conner rolls Hatfield. Angelosetti throws a football right at Harlem’s chest (which Hatfield does not see), allowing Hatfield to roll back the O’Conner Roll into his own pin and the victory at 13:41. I’m so sad The Bravados won’t be getting a title shot against the Young Bucks. Nevertheless, this was a whole load of fun especially with the usual Rudo Bravados being so over with the crowd. **3/4
Gran Akuma vs. Ophidian
Ophidian attacks Akuma before the bell. He drives his knees into Akuma’s chest. He throws some headbutts at his ribs. Akuma kicks out his legs. Ophidian kicks him against the rope. He puts Akuma in a full nelson with his legs. Akuma gets the ropes and again kicks Ophidian’s legs out. Ophidian puts on a nerve hold. Akuma puts him in a tarantula. After releasing, he delivers a missile dropkick and an enzuigiri from the apron. Akuma slingshots in with a huracanrana. After blocks Ophidian’s kick, he German suplexes him. A swift kick to the head and a powerbomb get him a two count. Ophidian tilt-a-whirls into a Death Grip attempt. Akuma works his way out and gets two with a Falcon Arrow. Ophidian hits an enzuigiri. He tries for the Duat Driver, but Akuma blocks. Ophidian blocks the Tenchi Crash and gets the pin with a modified Jackknife Pin at 7:21. Something seemed terribly wrong with that finish because the referee stalled quite a bit between the 2 and 3 count. The action was fine up until that point but the abruptness and awkwardness of the finish really diminished a lot of the work they put in. **
Amber O’Neal tells her opponent Saturyne that she has not met anyone like her. She plans to blow Saturyne out of CHIKARA. Interesting choice of words.
Saturyne vs. Amber O’Neal
This is O’Neal’s first appearance in CHIKARA since competing on a Kiryoku Pro show back in 2002. Saturyne rolls her up for two. O’Neal teases Saturyne by asking for a test of strength when she is clearly taller. Saturyne turns it around and armdrags her after walking the top rope. O’Neal elbows her in the face. Saturyne prawn holds her for two. O’Neal trips her onto the second rope and chops her in the back. She throws Saturyne by her hair across the ring. She does the splits while applying a full-nelson. She stomps on Saturyne’s back after raking the eyes. Once again she throws Saturyne down by her hair. Saturyne catches O’Neal in the corner with a tornado DDT. O’Neal goes for a boot. Saturyne dodges it Matrix style and boots O’Neal to the corner. She hits a spinwheel kick. O’Neal blocks a quesadora by slamming Saturyne face first into the mat. She gets two with an X-Factor thanks to Saturyne grabbing the ropes. She boots Saturyne to the apron. O’Neal tries for a suplex. Saturyne blocks it and comes with a springboard crossbody. She puts on a seated Rings of Saturyne. O’Neal taps out at 6:55. Solid yet uninspired wrestling. I feel like Saturyne needs something more than flashy moves if she wants the crowd to get into her. *1/2
The Mysterious and Handsome Stranger has a story about the love between him and his bird Sapphire. He tells a story about how Sapphire saved him from dying from dehydration. Even though he is facing an unknown opponent in an Open Challenge, he has no fear because Sapphire will be watching over him as always.
The Mysterious and Handsome Stranger vs. Walter Eaton
Eaton answers the Stranger’s open challenge. He kind of looks like a tattooed Tony Devito in CM Punk’s basketball shorts and a black wifebeater. They fight on the stage for a bit. Eaton takes him down with a clothesline. Eaton stomps him into the mat for two. Stranger delivers a couple of wind up punches. He goes for a double axe handle. Eaton catches him coming off the top with a boot to the stomach and gets two with a twisting neckbreaker. Stranger bulldogs Eaton from the second rope. He polishes him off with his top rope legdrop at 5:04. Squash city. *
Gavin pulls Stranger aside post match. He reminds us that Stranger is undefeated in singles action. He asks if the Stranger has anything to tell the crowd. He says he came to CHIKARA for a purpose and he believes it’s time for the proverbial plane to “touch down.”
Soldier Ant & deviANT vs. Tim Donst & Jakob Hammermeier
Donst has “King” written on his tape, signifying his desire to destroy Eddie Kingston who is absent from tonight’s show. Donst admonishes a toddler for wearing Jakob’s shirt. Hammermeier gives the kid a kiss. Donst angrily throws Hammermeier to deviANT in the ring. He knocks down Hammermeier with a couple knee strikes. Soldier Ant refuses to tag in. Hammermeier takes a page out of Donst’s book and twists deviANT’s nipples. Donst throws him to the corner. Soldier Ant backslides Donst for two. He sends Donst to the corner with a quesadora armdrag. Soldier Ant tilt-a-whirl headscissors him to the floor. deviANT blind tags in when Soldier Ant goes for a dive. While he’s arguing with deviANT, Donst clotheslines Soldier Ant and himself to the floor. Donst pulls deviANT out. Hammermeier beats down Soldier Ant and Donst surprisingly helps him out. Soldier Ant has a moment to tag in deviANT when he slips out of a German suplex. Soldier Ant does not take it. He punches Donst in the corner and gives him a Samoan drop. deviANT throws Soldier Ant to the floor so he can be tagged in. Hammermeier catches him with an STO for two. Soldier Ant slams Hammermeier and heads up top. He goes for a diving headbutt. Donst catches him coming down with an Ace Crusher. He suicide dives onto deviANT. Hammermeier accidentally forearms Donst in the face. Donst saves Hammermeier from Soldier Ant’s saluting forearm. He makes Soldier Ant tap out to From Dusk til Donst all while admonishing Hammermeier at 8:44. It’s interesting to see Donst and Hammermeier get two points over the weekend given Donst’s unwillingness to cooperate. The Ants still have their problems which I am hoping gets paid off soon. **1/4
After the match Donst slaps Hammermeier silly. He makes Hammermeier drop to his knees so that he can blast him with his own forearm. The fans call Donst a meanie and cheer for Hammermeier as he heads to the back.
Sugar Dunkerton vs. assailANT
The fans don’t want anything to do with assailANT’s attempts at high fives. Dunkerton interestingly uses the Throwbacks music for this match. He tells assailANT that the shade of blue he wears is ugly. He sweeps out assailANT’s legs when he charges. Dunkerton bicycle kicks him to the floor and pescado’s out after him. In the ring assailANT ducks the Shot Clock and gives Dunkerton a running head butt to the chest. He elbows Dunkerton to the corner for two. He gets two with a uranage suplex. Dunkerton clocks him with a forearm. He comes off the second rope with an X-Factor (maybe called the Space Jam?) for two. He tries for a crossbody. assailANT rolls through and picks him up for a Death Valley Driver for the pin at 6:11. That was another finish out of nowhere. This felt like a match with 2/3rds missing. *1/2
Mike Quackenbush, The Spectral Envoy (UltraMantis Black & Hallowicked) & The Colony (Fire Ant & Green Ant) vs. The Shard, F.I.S.T. (Icarus & Chuck Taylor) & The Batiri (Obariyon & Kodama)
Hallowicked and Taylor trade arm holds to start. Hallowicked sends him to the floor with a step-up Frankensteiner. Kodama and Mantis exchange strikes. Mantis strings a couple of armdrags together for a two count. He DDT’s Kodama who rolls to the floor. Quackenbush tags in and goes right after The Shard. Fearing Quackenbush’s wrath, Shard immediately tags in Obariyon. He spread Obariyon’s legs apart to trip him and escape a wristlock. Quackenbush delivers a running kick. He misses double knees to the chest and gets taken down with a running double axe handle. Icarus fakes a top rope move, but lands on his feet and teases taking off his jacket. The Colony stop him. They deliver a series of kicks. Fire Ant gets two with a brainbuster when Taylor breaks the pin. This causes everybody but Quackenbush to brawl. The Tecnicos punch The Batiri, Shard and Taylor in the four corners of the ring. Icarus meanwhile is disrobing mid-ring. All four of his partners are thrown into him. A row boat is then created around Icarus. Quackenbush puts him in the Cerebral Lock. Taylor grabs Quackenbush from the apron. He palm strikes Taylor but then turns into Icarus’ spear. The Rudos squadron all attack Quackenbush in the corner. He slips out allowing Fire Ant to tag in. Taylor immediately takes him down with a butterfly suplex. He gets two with Sole Food and a kick. Green Ant breaks the pin. Fire Ant sneaks out making him the legal man. Green Ant pulls Taylor down by his hair and gives him a hip toss. He gets two with a low dropkick. Taylor drags Green Ant to the corner so that his partners can help him out. Green Ant kicks The Shard away. He slips to the floor and Hallowicked comes in. The Shard brings him to the corner to get beaten down. It doesn’t last long, as Hallowicked manages to send Taylor to the floor and big boot Icarus. The Batiri try to stop him from tagging out. Hallowicked kicks them both and tags in Mantis. Mantis gives both Batiri members the Uncle Slam. Taylor kicks him out. Fire Ant uses Icarus to aid with a headscissors on Taylor. He DDT’s Icarus to the floor and tope con hilo’s onto Taylor. Quackenbush chops up the Batiri. He baits Obariyon into backdropping his own partner. He then gives Obariyon the Quackendriver III. The Shard breaks the cover. Green Ant lariats him and puts him in a cloverleaf. Taylor breaks the hold. He hits the Brodie Knee, then kicks him into Icarus’ back cracker. Hallowicked makes the save. The Batiri assault him with various dropkicks in the corner. Fire Ant breaks Obariyon’s pin. The Shard drops Fire Ant with a Gory Catapult. Mantis breaks that pin. He drops Shard with the Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex. Icarus breaks the cover and then gets pitched to the floor. Hallowicked gives Shard a step-up enzuigiri and a Super Snapmare. After Mantis’ Perfect neck snap, he gets two with a Swanton Bomb. The Colony get two on Taylor with the Ants Marching neckbreaker. Quackenbush backdrops Icarus before the Shard enzuigiri’s him to the floor. Obariyon stops Mantis from hitting the Praying Mantis Bomb on Shard. Icarus enzuigiri’s Mantis into the Bronzing from the Batiri and a superkick from the Shard. Somehow he kicks out of all that. Icarus clotheslines Fire Ant to the floor. Hallowicked slips out of the Blu-Ray. He gets two with a Rybeen Bomb on Obariyon. Quackenbush palm strikes The Shard and drops him with the Black Tornado Slam. The Shard slides right to the floor when Quackenbush goes after his arm. Quackenbush slingshots out onto him with a dropkick. Green Ant and Hallowicked dive onto the Batiri members. Icarus goes for the Wings of Icarus on Mantis. Mantis slips out and instead gives him the Praying Mantis Bomb for the pin at 21:59. That had some great action and some nice layers that covered both current and historical feuds. The rest of the card left a lot to be desired, but at least the main event was worthwhile. ***1/2