100 Percent Fordified: CHIKARA Zelda The Great
Posted by Kevin Ford on 01.05.2013
Mr. Touchdown commits a murder most fowl.
Chicago, IL – 11.10.2012
Commentary is provided by Bryce Remsburg, C-Red, Sugar Dunkerton, Dr. Keith Lipinski, Gavin Loudspeaker, Icarus, Leonard F. Chikarason, Mike Quackenbush, and Dasher Hatfield.
The show opens with Gavin Loudspeaker playing “CHIKARA’s Just What I Needed”, sang in the style of “Just What I Needed” by The Cars. It may be one of the best Gavin’s done. Major props to the crowd for getting into it.
Da Soul Touchaz are backstage. Marshe Rockett says while The Batiri may be tearing it up all over the country in CHIKARA, they’re in their land tonight. They plan to touch the Batiri's souls in the opening match. That actually sounds pretty friendly. Perhaps too friendly.
Da Soul Touchaz (Marshe Rockett, Acid Jaz & Willie Richardson) vs. The Batiri (Obariyon, Kodama & Kobald)
Ophidian is in the Batiri’s corner. Kobald ripping up a picture of Obama gets massive heat as expected. Obariyon jumps Jaz to start. Jaz monkey flips him in response. He spinwheel kicks Obariyon before sending him to the floor with a clothesline. He puts Kobald in a headlock and tags in Rockett. Rockett’s height makes it tough for Kobald to accept his test of strength. Kodama puts him on shoulders to help him out. Rockett pulls Kobald off his shoulders in a double knuckle lock. He dropkicks Kobald to the floor. Kodama gets sent to the apron. Rockett boots him in the face upon reentry. Richardson and Rockett lift up Kodama and drop him down chest first. Richardson gets two with a bionic elbow. He pulls off an impressive 50 second delayed vertical suplex. Kodama pokes Richardson in the eyes before getting in some strikes in the corner. Richardson responds with a leg lariat for two. He helps Jaz kick Kodama in the face. He goes for three leg drops, but Ophidian trips him on the third one. Distracted, Jaz turns into a running elbow smash from Obariyon. The Batiri continue to beat down Jaz until he drops Obariyon with a left hook. Rockett tags in and cleans house with clotheslines. He powerslams Kobald for two. Richardson strings together a Manhattan drop and a neckbreaker on him. He comes off the middle rope with an elbow drop. Obariyon and Kodama break the cover. They try for a double suplex. Richardson instead suplexes them both. Kobald gets attacked in the corner. He gets whipped into a second rope Rydeen Bomb by Richardson! Ophidian distracts referee PJ Drummond to stop his count. Rockett and Richardson go out to deal with Ophidian. Obariyon and Kodama give Jaz the Skull Bronzing and then dive onto Rockett and Richardson. Kobald hits the Demon’s Toilet on Jaz for the pin at 12:56. Even with some solid action and a good crowd, I found myself a little disappointed. I felt like this could have been a lot more exciting but it just felt like neither team really shifted the match into the next gear. Hopefully Da Soul Touchaz will return again and shine through a little more. **1/2
Sidney Bakabella makes his way to the ring. He was sent here personally to give a local team an opportunity. Two locals from Aurora, IL, Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar, make their way to the ring. Cassandra Wong is nowhere to be seen. They of course have a date against The Devastation Corporation.
The Devastation Corporation (Max Smashmaster & Blaster McMassive) vs. Wayne Campbell & Garth Algar
McMassive boots Campbell to the floor at the bell. He tosses Algar to Smashmaster who falls backward trying to catch him. McMassive leaps to the top rope and tosses Campbell off with an overhead suplex. Algar takes the Death Blow, giving the Corporation the win at 0:57. Squash city. I love the shtick, but they need some serious fine tuning before they get into longer matches. Hopefully all these “Wrestling Is” companies work some magic. ¼*
El Generico vs. The Shard
The Shard nails Generico with a clothesline to the back of his head once he jumps into the ring. He chokes Generico with his boot. He flexes after shoulder blocking Generico to the mat. Generico Arabian presses over the Shard and nails him with a leg lariat. Shard shoves Generico away but eats a chop right after. Generico gets ten punches in the corner for two. Shard responds with a Hot Shot. He chokes Generico with his boot again. Shard snapmares him into a back kick and then goes back to choking him. When Generico tries to fight back, he gets whipped forcefully into the corner. Generico throws some clotheslines. Shard catches him with a waterwheel slam and stomps on his chest. He throws some kicks at Generico’s chest. Generico goes for a Michinoku Driver, but Shard slips out and gives him a German suplex! It’s only good for a two count. Generico rolls to the floor to rest but Shard throws him back in the ring. He climbs to the top rope. Generico’s super brainbuster attempt is thwarted. He does however throw Shard to the corner with a suplex. Generico gets two with a Blue Thunder Driver for two. Shard gets up his boot to block a yakuza kick. He Jon Woo dropkicks Generico to the corner. Generico tries a yakuza kick and gets caught with the Shard’s superkick. Shard heads to the top rope. Generico catches him. Shard shoves him down. Generico gets his knees up to block a frog splash. He connects with the yakuza kick and drops him with the top rope brainbuster for the pin at 10:36. These two rocked it from bell to bell. The Shard is head and shoulders above the other GEKIDO members and Generico is flat-out one of the best wrestlers in the world. This took me by surprise, though it shouldn't have, as both guys are terrific. ***1/2
F.I.S.T. (Chuck Taylor and Johnny Gargano) are backstage. They remind us, through faux questioning, that they are the only two time Campeones de Parejas in CHIKARA history. But, Claudio…forget it. They claim that they will get their first point on their goal to becoming three time Campeones. Goofiness with bubble gum and purple ant is also in here.
Soldier Ant & deviANT vs. F.I.S.T. (Chuck Taylor & Johnny Gargano)
Soldier Ant puts Gargano in a side headlock. He shoulder blocks Gargano down and catches him with a powerslam. Gargano rolls out after taking a falling saluting headbutt. deviANT blind tags in which stops Soldier Ant’s dive. He forearms Taylor and gives him a running knee strike. A senton and the Yahtzee Kick get a two count. deviANT chops Soldier Ant to tag him in. Taylor whips him to the ropes. He notices deviANT trying to blind tag in and stops in his tracks. He charges at Taylor, only to find Gargano’s slingshot spear. Taylor knocks deviANT off the apron and slams Soldier Ant twice. F.I.S.T. lay in the boogie boots. Taylor bites at Soldier Ant’s antennae. Soldier Ant gets whipped to the corner. He hops back from the second ropes, elbowing both Taylor and Gargano in the face. He refuses to tag in deviANT, even if it is in his best interest. Gargano kicks him in the stomach. Soldier Ant responds with a Samoan Drop. deviANT tosses Soldier Ant to the floor to tag himself in. Taylor tosses him to Gargano for an Ace Crusher. Soldier Ant breaks the pin. He and Gargano give him a back suplex/neckbreaker combo for two. Gargano tries for the Hurts Donut. Soldier Ant escapes. Gargano superkicks him twice. Soldier Ant sends him to the floor with a rolling forearm and follows with a suicide dive. Taylor ducks deviANT’s kick and gives him Sole Food. deviANT ducks a boot and hits an enzuigiri. He holds Taylor for Soldier Ant. Even though Soldier Ant noticed Taylor moving, he forearms deviANT anyhow. Taylor then DDT’s Soldier Ant into Gargano’s Hurts Donut to give F.I.S.T the win at 9:21. I liked the match, even if the Soldier Ant being forced to team with deviANT story is played at this point. We get it, they hate each other, now let’s move on. F.I.S.T. and them Ants though, they always deliver a fun match. **3/4
Mike Quackenbush vs. Colt Cabana
This is a rematch from “Shoot A Crooked Arrow” which Quackenbush won. Cabana takes him to the mat in a side headlock. Quackenbush wiggles his way out. He puts on his own headlock which Cabana cleverly works his way out of. Quackenbush puts on a modified headscissors. Cabana pops out and smacks Quackenbush’s ears. He applies his own headscissors. Quackenbush flips out of it, landing on his feet. He offers Cabana few body parts, then takes them away. When Cabana goes for a headlock, Quackenbush throws him away. He holds onto Cabana’s wrist. Cabana manages to escape and kicks Quackenbush away. When he comes back, Cabana puts him in a neck-tie headscissors. Quackenbush moves to the mat and crawls back to the corner in order to free himself. Quackenbush flips Cabana over by his arms. Cabana crawls through his legs to the corner. Quackenbush wraps himself around Cabana’s legs and torsos. He turns that into a prawn hold for two. He twists Cabana’s ankle in a spinning toe hold. Quackenbush locks the leg and leans back to add pressure. Cabana holds onto his own foot to alleviate some of it. Cabana gets to the corner and pulls himself up by the ropes. He rolls Quackenbush into a Gedo Clutch for two. Quackenbush’s suplex and cradle attempts go unfulfilled. He ends up hopping off Cabana’s shoulders and rolling him into a Skayde schoolboy for two. Cabana catches him in a double arm stretch cradle for the pin at 9:16. I actually think this went an appropriate amount of time. It didn’t overstay its welcome, which I thought the tag match with the British John’s last year did. No one does this type of wrestling on the Independents like these two. ***
After the match, Cabana says he may have gotten Quackenbush, but he’s a hell of a competitor. They shake hands and Quackenbush grabs the microphone. He calls Cabana a true master and heads out.
Jigsaw, Fire Ant & assailANT vs. Jimmy Jacobs and The Bravado Bros. (Harlem & Lancelot Bravado)
Fun Fact: this is Jimmy Jacobs’ first appearance in CHIKARA since the 2005 Tag World Grand Prix. He and the Bravados are on Kevin Steen’s Cibernetico team next week, so this is a chance for them to work together before that very important bout. Jigsaw is replacing Green Ant. He starts off with Jacobs. Jacobs accidentally does the HUSS hand gesture after punching the turnbuckle. Jigsaw hops over his spear attempt and delivers a dropkick. Jacobs slides out which brings in Harlem. Jigsaw armdrags him and tags in assailANT. He hits a running headbutt to Harlem’s chest. Fire Ant doesn’t want to take assailANT’s tag, but Jigsaw is willing. He argues with Fire Ant a bit, allowing Jacobs to deliver a spear. The Rudo squadron beats down Jigsaw until he stomps on Harlem’s back and kicks Lancelot in the side of the head. Fire Ant crossbody’s onto Lancelot and headscissors Harlem. He knocks Jacobs off the apron before dropping Harlem with a DDT. assailANT comes in to do the Ants Marching dropkick. Fire Ant isn’t down, but Jigsaw is and convinces Fire Ant to do it (sort of). He and Jigsaw give Harlem a double suplex and a triple slam with assailANT. Jacobs breaks the pin. Harlem gives assailANT the Diamond Dust and a swinging DDT. Fire Ant kicks Harlem in the side of the head. He hits the Yahtzee Kick. Lancelot forearms Fire Ant and powerbombs him onto Harlem’s knees. Harlem bicycle kicks him. Jigsaw breaks the pin. Jacobs rolls up to give Jigsaw a headscissors. He misses a spear. Jigsaw German suplexes him and then follows him to the floor with a suicide dive. The Bravados beat down Jigsaw until Fire Ant dives onto them and Jacobs. assailANT wants to do the Ants Marching neck breaker. Fire Ant refuses, so the fans chant “be his friend.” Harlem’s tries to sneak attack Fire Ant. assailANT shoves him out of the way and hits a clothesline. Fire Ant seems willing to team up now, but the Bravados knock him down. Jacobs hits his spear. The Bravados then hit the Gentleman’s Approach for the pin at 11:54. That was a smart decision given the impending Cibernetico and the story of assailANT trying to fit into the proverbial square peg. They also did a good job keeping Jigsaw and Fire Ant’s differences in being willing to team with assailANT subtle, yet noticeable. This was fun. ***
Gran Akuma vs. Tim Donst
Jakob Hammermeier is in Donst’s corner. Donst tells Akuma that he will never be Grand Champion and smacks him in the face. Akuma responds with a barrage of kicks. He rolls Donst into the Cheetah Swipe. Donst throws Akuma face first into the ring post while on the floor. He snaps Akuma’s neck across the top rope and suicide dives onto him. In the ring he drives Akuma’s head into the mat repeatedly. Donst rakes his forearm across Akuma’s face while he’s trapped in the ropes. He then drives him face first into the mat again by slingshotting him down. Donst follows up with a spear. Hammermeier is mouthing off the crowd so Donst chastises him. Akuma throws some kicks. He puts on the Tarantula. Afterwards he missile dropkicks Donst to the corner. An enzuigiri and huracanrana follows. He hits a rolling Death Valley Driver for two. Donst catches him with an Ace Crusher for two. From Hammermeier he gets the lace from Hallowicked’s mask that he used on him during “Chikarasaurus Rex.” Donst shoves Hammermeier down due to reminding him of that moment. Akuma pump kicks and gamengiri’s Donst on the top rope. He brings him down with a Spider suplex. He follows with a moonsault for two. Donst counters the Yoshi Tonic with a backslide. He hits a Gator Roll for two. He locks on From Dusk Til Donst but Akuma makes it to the ropes. Hammermeier hands Donst a bag of some sorts. Dan Yost notices Hammermeier on the apron. While that’s going on, Donst clocks Akuma with the bag. Donst puts From Dusk Til Donst back on and Akuma’s arm drops three times to give him the win at 9:10. This lacked importance and an audience who really cared about what was going on. The ring work was fine, but too many Hammermeier interruptions and a flat finish did not do anybody any favors. **1/4
The Mysterious and Handsome Stranger says while he can be mysterious and has been labeled handsome, he somewhat resents the moniker of “stranger.” He says that is what happens though when you get burned by someone you love. Sapphire, his feral pigeon, on the other hand, has been a loyal friend to him though through thick and thin. They go into battle against three other teams. Although that task sounds daunting, the Stranger is not afraid because he has Sapphire on his shoulder. That, to him, is all he needs.
3.0 (Scott “Jagged” Parker & Shane Matthews) vs. The Throwbacks (Dasher Hatfield & "Mr. Touchdown" Mark Angelosetti) vs. The Mysterious and Handsome Stranger & Sapphire vs. F.I.S.T. (Icarus & Sugar Dunkerton)
Matthews and Angelosetti reach a stalemate in the opening exchange. Angelosetti cheap shots him from behind and then bails to the floor. Jagged wants to wrestle Sapphire but will have to settle with Dunkerton. They lock up when “Barbara Streisand” by Duck Sauce begins playing. Of course they have choice but to dance. Really, when Duck Sauce plays, you have no option. The music stops, but more dancing commences when they block one anothers’ Irish Whips. Jagged busts out a Spin-A-Roonie which blows Dunkerton’s mind. Jagged escapes a leg lock and tags in Hatfield. “This is awkward” chants ring out as he and Dunkerton stand across the ring from one another. Icarus blind tags in before they can lock up. Hatfield avoids his kicks, causing Icarus to boot the second turnbuckle. He sunset flips Icarus into a key lock, using Icarus’ own tights to keep them in that position. Icarus crawls to the ropes and Dunkerton helps untie him. He tosses Hatfield to the floor. Everyone throws everyone to the floor until the Stranger stands off with Angelosetti. Stranger waves to Veronica and drops Angelosetti with an STO. He gives Angelosetti a bulldog. Sapphire almost gets tagged in, but Angelosetti shoves Stranger away and Icarus follows up with a spear. Angelosetti shoulder blocks Stranger in the corner a few times but then gets taken down with a clothesline. Sapphire is tagged in. Many folks charge to the corner, but they all get thrown into Sapphire by Stranger. Stranger then attaches Sapphire to his shoulder and knocks his opponents down. He puts Sapphire on his knee and gives Angelosetti a Go 2 Sleep! Sapphire is placed back in her bag. A string of submissions is formed, starting with Icarus putting Stranger in an ankle lock. Dunkerton finishes the chain with a wet willie. Sapphire ends up in Dunkerton’s afro! He runs around trying to get it off and ends up landing a pescado onto 3.0 and Hatfield. Dunkerton pleads with Stranger to help and he obliges. Angelosetti tackles Dunkerton. Stranger comes off the top with a diving shoulder block and places Sapphire onto Angelosetti for the pin. Angelosetti kicks out, places the bird in the falconer’s bag, and then slams the bag multiple times against the canvas! He splashes the bag three times leaving everyone in the match in stunned silence (including Veronica). Stranger opens the bag to find Sapphire dead. He turns around and eats a spinebuster from Angelosetti. That’s good enough to get him the pin at 14:10, eliminating Stranger and Sapphire. Unfortunately for her, it’s a permanent elimination.
Dunkerton and Angelosetti get in a shoving match due to how disgusted Sugar is. Angelosetti ducks a punch and Dunkerton ends up hitting Dasher! Angelosetti rolls him up for two. Dunkerton throws a rolling double handed chop to his face. In the ring, Jagged tags Hatfield with a rolling elbow. Dunkerton bicycle kicks Jagged. Angelosetti gives Dunkerton a spinebuster. Matthews spears Angelosetti. Icarus goes for a Shiranui. Matthews blocks and powerbombs him into a Boston Crab. Icarus taps out at 17:49, eliminating F.I.S.T. Matthews drop toe holds Angelosetti into an elbow drop from Jagged. Hatfield stops them from hitting the Sweet Taste of Professionalism. Matthews seamlessly transitions into a Boston Crab on Angelosetti. Hatfield breaks the hold and hits a Jackhammer for two. He and Jagged trade strikes. Angelosetti ends up back suplexing Jagged into an Ace Crusher. Matthews breaks the cover. The Throwbacks give him a tandem Muscle Buster for two. Matthews blocks the Bo Jackson. Jagged DDT’s Hatfield and enzuigiri’s Angelosetti. 3.0 hit the Sweet Taste of Professionalism on Angelosetti to pick up the win and a 2nd point at 21:43. This match was executed perfectly. They hit all the right notes at the right time, had all the key players interacting with each other, and the Sapphire bit…well, it certainly made a significant impact. Leave it to CHIKARA to mix storylines, fun, action, and logic into one neat package. ***3/4
The Young Bucks are backstage. Nick Jackson accidentally calls their opponents the Special Envoy. Matt corrects them, though does say that they are a pretty good team. However, they are no Young Bucks. They’re sick of stealing the show and having no competition. They plan to bring superkicks, air guitaring, and moonsaults, which they pay their mortgage with (apparently). They basically hover around the point that they're arrogant and will win tonight.
Campeonatos de Parejas
The Young Bucks (Matt & Nick Jackson) (Campeones) vs. The Spectral Envoy (UltraMantis Black & Hallowicked)
The Bucks attempt to sneak attack the Envoy with the belts. The Envoy duck and all four men fight it out in pairs. Hallowicked forearms Nick to the floor. He super snapmares Matt into a Perfect neck snap from Mantis. He then hits a Swanton bomb. Nick comes in and takes a double Complete Shot. Nick brings Hallowicked to the floor as Matt holds Mantis in a tombstone position. Nick springboards in for a tandem spike tombstone onto Mantis for the pin and the first fall at 2:11. Hallowicked valiantly fights both Bucks as Mantis recovers on the floor. However, he falls victim to the numbers game and ends up being worn down by the Bucks as his partner recovers. When it looks like Mantis is even slightly recovered, the Bucks are quick to strike. However, he does end up recovered on the apron. Nick accidentally gamengiri’s Matt to the floor. Mantis dives off the apron onto him with a somersault senton. Hallowicked gives Nick the Go 2 Sleepy Hollow for a pin and the second fall, tying the match up 1-1 at 10:22. The Batiri are now in the aisleway looking on. With Hallowicked distracted, Matt dropkicks him to the floor. Bryce Remsburg is distracted by Matt allowing the Batiri to attack. Mantis throws a flurry of headbutts to Matt. He hooks him for the Praying Mantis Bomb. Matt shoves him to the corner. He hits a superkick. Mantis blocks a tumbleweed Ace Crusher with an Ocean Cyclone suplex. Matt kicks out. Hallowicked gives him a Rydeen Bomb. Mantis gives him a release Regalplex. Nick breaks the pin. Hallowicked boots Nick. Nick turns Bryce around so the Batiri can drag Hallowicked to the floor and get in some more shots. Nick goes for a dive. Hallowicked moves and he ends up landing onto Nick. The Envoy give Matt the Catacombs of Abbadon. Hallowicked dives onto the Batiri while Nick breaks Mantis’ count. Hallowicked goes for Go 2 Sleepy Hollow but Matt superkicks him. Mantis wipes out Matt with a clothesline leaving everyone laying. Matt superkicks Mantis while Nick enzuigiri’s Hallowicked. Mantis gets powerbombed into Hallowicked in the corner. Mantis blocks More Bang For Your Buck. He puts Matt in the CHIKARA Special! Nick frees himself from Hallowicked’s grasp and tries a superkick. Mantis stops him and puts him in the CHIKARA Special. Matt comes in with a title belt. Hallowicked catches him with Go 2 Sleepy Hollow before it can be used. He’s sent to the floor and Hallowicked follows with a pescado. Ophidian slides in and spits mist into Mantis’ face as Bryce disposes of the title belt. Nick superkicks Hallowicked, then Mantis for a two count. Mantis fights off the Bucks until he eats tandem superkicks. More Bang For Your Buck puts him away at 16:24. If the Young Bucks aren’t the best team today, they’re in the top two. They are heat magnets and it didn’t hurt that they were against an awesome team like Mantis and Hallowicked. They did an amazing job making it seem like Mantis had the match won when Nick was in the CHIKARA Special. Even the Batiri/Ophidian interference added to the match rather than take away. Everything came together in this match and made for a terrific main event. ***3/4