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Zen Arcade Reviews: ROH Border Wars 2013

June 11, 2013 | Posted by Jake St-Pierre
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Zen Arcade Reviews: ROH Border Wars 2013  

After a few weeks of mostly just decent television, ROH walks into an iPPV that I’m feeling rather indifferent about. The hype just didn’t give me much to sink my teeth into, but there’s potential. Paul London and Taiji Ishimori return, and Adam Cole challenges Jay Briscoe for the ROH World Title.

We are LIVE from the Ted Reeve Arena in Toronto, Canada. Your hosts are Nigel McGuinness and Kevin Kelly, thank God.

C&C Wrestle Factory vs. ACH and Tadarius Thomas
Fantastic match to open the show if I say so myself.

A roll-up fest between TD and Caprice ends in applause and a GENERIC INDY STANDOFF!~! ACH, as always, is over as holy hell. ACH dodges an armdrag and hits a SWEET floating armdrag. TD tags back in for an elbow and a two count. ACH and TD fire some double teams to keep Cedric Alexander at bay. ACH drops a maybe-diving Caprice, but Cedric knocks him down and FLIES WITH A SOMERSAULT PLANCHA! Coleman catches a capo kick from TD and allows Cedric to slide in for a dropkick. Coleman hits an odd little moonsault and an elbow to keep control. TD hits both C&C with a few capo kicks and here comes ACH! Alexander does a headstand in the corner, so ACH KICKS HIM OUT OF THE RING! SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP FROM TD! AIR JORDAN FROM ACH! I never get tired of that sequence. ACH pulls off a swank pumphandle Tiger Suplex on Alexander, but Caprice saves it. Caprice counters a cutter from ACH into ROLLING NORTHERN LIGHT SUPLEXES! ACH kicks out in the nick of time. TD misses a capo kick and CEDRIC DECKS HIM WITH A SPINNING ROUNDHOUSE! SLINGSHOT STUNNER FROM ACH! OVERTIME FROM C&C! ACH takes the pinfall in 10 minutes. ***1/2 Like always, TD and ACH open the show up with an immense match. C&C look to be on the tag title pursuit again, and their win doesn’t hurt anyone since it was a great match. I’m biased so I went a little high, but I want to see the rest of the show now, so everyone did their jobs.

Mike Bennett vs. Roderick Strong
I never thought I’d see the day, but I’m so glad Mike Bennett is back in ROH. He has really gotten awesome as an all-around performer and once he inevitably hits WWE, he’s going to be one hell of a talent. Hilariously, Roddy has the Willem DeFoe IT WAS A FIRE FIGHT soundbite before his music. That’s tremendous. This match was supposed to be a triple threat with Mike Mondo, but Mondo hurt himself working out, so he’s absent. The storyline was stupid anyway, which is usually the course with him.

Not much really happens in the way of significance until Strong nearly gets a Stronghold in. Things head outside, where Bennett connects with a spinebuster on the apron to turn the tide. One of my favorite things about Bennett is his constant mocking of CM Punk. It pisses some of the close-minded wrestling fans off big time at these shows. Maria comes to the commentary booth, and Nigel stretches out and puts his arm around her. She leaves, and Nigel remarks that he gets paid to do that. Strong starts to take control and hits a superplex! Bennett kicks out. Bennett hits a spinebuster for a 2 count of his own. Half Nelson backbreaker gets Roddy another nearfall. Bennett grabs the rope to escape the gutbuster, and counters a second one with a jacknife pin. A spear gives Bennett a two count. Roddy puts in the Stronghold, so here’s Maria to save the day. Bennett taps behind the ref’s back, so Roddy breaks everything up. Roddy eats a Box Office Smash! He kicks out! HERE’S CHEESEBURGER! CHEESEBURGER KISSES MARIA! Bennett tries to save the day, but eats a Sick Kick and loses the match in 12 minutes. **1/2 Nothing special at all until Cheeseburger kisses the “cum burping gutter-slut” Maria. Everything before that was bland and unspectacular, despite some vintage Nigel Maria-oggling.

I Quit Match: BJ Whitmer vs. Rhett Titus
Whadduya know, Rhett Titus is horrible as a heel too. Kenny King leaving was the worst thing that could have ever happened to him, because he’s just piss-poor at everything. I like BJ on the other hand, so maybe something good could happen.

Steve Corino walks out with Rhett Titus, who’s strut looks like he has Parkinson’s. It’s your usual Corino/SCUM promo. BJ comes out and it’s a brawl to start. Nigel leaves the commentary booth after Steve Corino interferes, and Whitmer nails a tope suicida! Nigel brings out a few referees, who promptly eject Corino. It’s kick-punch-choke city. “Hey I don’t like this guy so I’m going to stretch his face” is basically the story of this match. It’s dreadful. Rhett Titus puts in Last Chancery, which Kevin Kelly’s dumb ass calls “Whitmer’s move”. I like Hermie mostly, but he has his moments. Titus gets a couple of twist ties. BJ comes back and straps Rhett to the ropes. Kevin can’t even get the date of the SCUM invasion right. Titus spits at BJ, who goes and gets a chair. Corino comes back and BJ JUST FUCKING STANDS THERE WHILE CORINO PUTS HIS HEAD OUT. Titus quits, and fuck this match at 10 minutes. DUD That was the absolute shits. Bad booking and even worse execution of already terrible booking. BJ had a clear opportunity to HIT THE LEADER OF SCUM IN THE FACE with a chair and stood there like a dipshit. This was awful, awful stuff and the worst ROH match I’ve seen in a very long time. Rhett Titus needs to go, STAT.

Michael Elgin & Jay Lethal vs. Cliff Compton and Jimmy Jacobs
If SCUM wins this, one of their guys gets a title shot and Steve Corino becomes permanent color commentator. If Lethal and Elgin win, Steve Corino is gone.

Immediately after the I-Quit match, SCUM attacks BJ Whitmer. Lethal and Elgin come out and it’s a Pier Six Brawl. Elgin kicks Compton int the crowd while Jimmy Jacobs and Lethal fight it out in the ring. It turns into a real tag match, and Elgin holds Jimmy up in a vertical suplex, SQUATS, and drops him down after a minute. Compton eats a back handspring elbow from Lethal and Elgin puts Compton up for thirty seconds, and Lethal puts Jacobs up himself to a huge pop. Lethal and Elgin are in full control, as Elgin drops Compton with an Argentine neckbreaker, and Lethal tweaks his knee on a tope suicida. He’s out for now, so Elgin goes it alone with Compton in the ring. Everyone goes to check on Lethal, and the match halts. Nigel coming around and showing concern basically gives it away as kayfabe. Elgin takes on the challenge of both Compton and Jacobs alone. ELGIN CATCHES JACOBS MID-SPEAR AND BUCKLE BOMBS HIM INTO COMPTON! SAMOAN DROP/LAST CALL~! That was great. The numbers game eventually overwhelms Elgin, and SCUM takes over. Elgin powers out of a headscissor and throws Compton out of the ring, but Jacobs comes right back in with a sleeper hold. Compton comes back in but eats a shot, yet Elgin finds himself back in a sleeper…UNTIL HE DEADLIFTS COMPTON UP FOR A GERMAN WHILE JIMMY IS ON HIS BACK~! HERE IS KEVIN STEEN!~! He tries to convince Nigel to let him in, and NIGEL DOES! KEVIN STEEN CLEANS HOUSE! CANNONBALL FOR BOTH JACOBS AND COMPTON! Jacobs takes a powerbomb on the apron and ELGIN BUCKLE BOMBS HIM! Compton chop blocks Elgin to prevent the Elgin Bomb. Compton is nearly put down with the Package Piledriver, but Jimmy Jacobs rolls him up and steals the win in 20 minutes. ***1/2 This whole segment was an exercise in fantastic, fantastic booking on ROH’s part. There wasn’t a huge, killer finishing stretch action-wise, and even with Elgin’s awesome displays of strength, the wrestling wasn’t the best. However, not every match has to be insane flippy stuff. I loved Steen trying to save ROH, but getting tripped up. That leaves a lot of unanswered questions in ROH’s corner, which makes me want to see what happens next. It’s simple but wholly effective booking, something that Delirious has been dishing out consistently…despite a few hiccups, of course. Fun stuff.

INTERMISSION: ROH shows a great match between El Generico and Taiji Ishimori to prep the audience for the returning Ishimori later in the night. Later on, they show Paul London vs. Michael Shane from Unscripted back in 2002. They’re all clipped obviously, but it’s a fantastic idea.

Swear it to the Sun hits and you know who it is; RD Evans and QT Marshall, of course. Evans cuts a promo about nothing, but he’s a fantastic talker, so he makes it good. The crowd starts Fandango’ing, and Evans plays it off perfectly…”Is this the Canadian National Anthem? This is a horrible song.” A heart monitor starts playing and the lights begin going out, and THE MONITOR SAYS SICILIAN PSYCHOPATH!~! HERE’S TOMMASO CIAMPA! Okay, that is awesome. That’s how you handle a big return, especially with the sleek new stage and lights.. He even has awesome theme music. Ciampa takes Marshall down and knees him into the corner! Ciampa looks for the knockout knee in the corner, but Evans pulls QT out of the way in time. That was such a great segment.

Steve Corino comes out and takes a commentary headset. He doesn’t say anything very important, but he is the new color commentator, so thank God for that.

Eddie Edwards vs. Taiji Ishimori
I haven’t seen Ishimori wrestle other than the aforementioned Generico match, but I’ve heard superb things about this match, so I’m hoping for something good. Kevin Kelly is retarded and keeps calling this Ishimori’s ROH debut, even though a match was legitimately JUST SHOWN of him wrestling in an ROH ring. Hermie is being a fucking moron tonight.

For a dude that’s only 5’6″, Ishimori is JACKED. GENERIC INDY STANDOFF!~!, of course. Ishimori shows great quickness with an absolutely insane feint kick in the ropes, following up with a rana that sends Die Hard out of the ring. Ishimori goes up top AND MOONSAULTS ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR! Tope Suicida from Edwards!! That allows Eddie to take control, and he MASSACRES little Ishimori with chops. A Chinchecker scores for a two count, and the Achilles Lock immediately follows. Ishimori gets to the ropes with relative ease. BACK HANDSPRING CORKSCREW KICK BY ISHIMORI. Man, that was beautiful. This guy is quick. Ishimori fires off a nasty double stomp for a close 2 count. Meteora scores for a close Ishimori two count. Eddie counters another back handspring with a Rex Plex and Eddie fires off some MACHINE GUN CHOPS in homage to the now-retired Kenta Kobashi. Eddie hits a Fisherman’s Suplex for two, but ISHIMORI COUNTERS A TOMBSTONE INTO A TOMBSTONE FACEBUSTER ON HIS KNEES! RUNNING MURDERDEATHKILL KICK! Eddie kicks out. Hey, another moronic “This is Wrestling” chant. Ishimori nearly gets a pop up super rana, but takes a mean lungblower instead. REVERSE RANA FROM ISHIMORI….INTO A LARIAT FROM EDWARDS! SPINNING HEEL KICK FROM ISHIMORI! 450 EATS EDDIE’S KNEES! TOP ROPE FRANKENSTEINER FROM EDDIE…ISHMORI ROLLS THROUGH BUT EATS A SUPERKICK! SITOUT POWERBOMB! ISHIMORI KICKS OUT!~! DIE HARD! Eddie picks up the win in a 15 minute barnburner. ****1/4 Well, that was a fantastic first impression of Taiji Ishimori. He is such a quick, crisp wrestler that it’s insane he’s pent up in Pro Wrestling NOAH instead of killing it in the NJPW Junior division. Such is life, and despite that, this was an amazing match. Eddie has always been extremely underrated, but this was Taiji Ishimori’s coming out party to a lot of North American fans, and what a way to do it. Best match of the night and one of the best matches ROH has had this year.

ROH World TV Title: Matt Taven (c) vs. Mark Briscoe
If there is one thing Delirious is doing horribly wrong as booker, it’s the way he’s handling Matt Taven. He’s overshadowed horribly and it’s really hurting his credibility as a wrestler. He hasn’t had the really good matches he had with the likes of Mike Mondo and Michael Elgin last year on TV, and he just isn’t over…it’s all because of Truth Martini, who would be a fantastic addition to the roster if he didn’t steal the spotlight at every chance.

We have a new Hoopla Hottie who Nigel absolutely LAMBASTS with one line: “The new Hoopla Hottie looks like she goes to the same gym as Michael Elgin.” That’s the line of the night, no doubt. Mark gives Taven a clean break in the opening moments of the match, and latches on a side headlock at his first opportunity. Mark ducks a spinning roundhouse and lands a quick spinning wheel kick, making Taven dip out to re-think his gameplan. Taven misses a couple more kicks and eats some inside forearms from Mark, who has been schooling him so far. Taven desperately ducks a lariat and gets out of the ring again, but Mark follows him out with a missile dropkick and soon after, a suplex on the apron. Mark throws Taven out and tries to dive on top of him, but Truth throws him off and allows his boy to take control. Briscoe starts to make his comeback with a barrage of slaps, but is distracted by Martini again and eats a spinning roundhouse for 2. Mark starts to really come back now with Redneck Kung-Fu, and the crowd comes UNGLUED. This crowd has actually been phenomenal barring that virginal nimrod with the soccer horn. Mark goes for the Froggy ‘Bow, but he finds knees and a rolling neckbreaker for 2. Taven takes his sweet time going up top, so Mark meets him up there and DROPS him with a powerbomb for 2. Mark goes for a Cut-Throat Driver, but Taven gets out and botches a springboard, drawing the ire of the audience. Truth and the Hoopla Hotties see that there’s trouble, so the Hotties MAKE OUT IN FRONT OF PAUL TURNER, who stops his count promptly to watch. Mark scares them off (only God knows what Jay would do…) but loses the match when Taven rolls him up for another cheap 13 minute win. ** Same old song and dance, but it’s a little worse because before all the…hoopla kicked in, this was going along swimmingly. Good storytelling and action, but the more I see Taven and his lackluster reactions, the more I think something’s coming from it. Delirious has always been fantastic with long-term booking, so maybe something is going to happen that matters. Until then, the same old shit with a good worker being overshadowed by ECW-lite shenanigans.

Davey Richards vs. Paul London
Paul London was booked as Naomichi Marufuji’s replacement, and I was one of the only people more excited for London coming back than I was for Marufuji. I’d seen Davey vs. Marufuji and I didn’t think I’d see anything woefully different. Sure, Marufuji is a better wrestler, but it’s not like we haven’t seen the match before. London was coming in facing Davey for the first time and with London being motivated, I was loads more interested.

Generic indy feeling out leads into a GENERIC INDY STANDOFF!~! Kevin Kelly spectacularly avoids saying WWE when he talks about his time scouting wrestlers for the ‘E. Paul London hops out of a headscissors and pats Davey on the head. You fucked up homie. Davey does a little bit of the same, but London isn’t fazed. London goes TOE TO TOE with Davey in a sweet sequence of counters, and Davey shows some frustration with it. Davey moves before a London dive comes his way, and comes back in to SHOOT LONDON OVER THE TOP ROPE ONTO THE CAMERA GIRL! MURDERDEATHKILL Kick connects from the apron, and Davey is heeling it up. He could (and has been) such a good heel that it hurts. Davey trips over a rising London, who knocks Davey out to the apron with a Frankensteiner. The crowd let him hear about that one. Davey enzi’s London off of the second rope…”Who’s fucking up now?” Davey GYRATES and lays down on an Indian Deathlock. Davey needs to bring those sleazy pink tights from BOLA to ROH for a go, methinks. London pops up and chucks Davey out of the ring, and HE FLOATS WITH A TOPE CON HILO! Standing SSP scores for a two count. Davey brains London with a kick and a German Suplex for 2. London shakes off an Alarm Clock and hits a Superkick, soon after scoring with a Dragon Suplex for 2. I want to commend Nigel McGuinness for his commentary performance here too; guy is the best in the biz when he’s out there. LONDON DRAGS DAVEY OUT OF THE RING IN A TOMBSTONE POSITION! DAVEY COUNTERS AND TOMBSTONES LONDON ON THE FLOOR! London barely gets back in, so Davey kicks him out to the apron and FUCKING BRAINS HIM WITH A DOUBLE STOMP ON THE APRON! London is GONE. Jesus fucking Christ that was nasty. Nigel is very concerned on commentary obviously. Davey puts London on the top rope, but Paul musters up enough strength to SUNSET POWERBOMB HIM! HE GOES UP TOP! LONDON STAR PRESS EATS KNEES! Davey rolls him up to win in 17 minutes. ***3/4 First off, huge kudos to Paul London for having the stones to finish that. It wasn’t a good idea and that Shooting Star could have really messed him up, but he really manned up and finished without a problem. This dude does a better SSP with a concussion than most guys do with perfect health. As for the match, I thought it was great. I don’t know how much longer it was supposed to go after that, but what we got was really good and better than what London turned out in his latest PWG outings. I really do hope London comes back for a regular spot, but I’m sure it’s at his own leisure. However, with the announcement that a match with Michael Elgin is upcoming (due to the concussion) I’m hoping more comes out of it. It is really awesome to see Paul London back in full form, considering his ’09-’10 PWG run was lackluster in a lot of ways.

ROH World Title: Jay Briscoe (c) vs. Adam Cole
Holy Homophobe Batman! Enough has been said of Jay Briscoe’s idiocy, so I’ll say something else negative; the build for this match has been pretty bad, with the most WWE-esque climax on the go-home show of TV.

Not much happens early on. Jay doesn’t give Cole a clean break, while Kevin Kelly says he has “No apologies for what he’s done and what he will do.” Interpret that as you will. Jay gives Cole a boot to the face, and Cole comes back with an enzuigiri and a tope suicida. Cole comes back in and it’s resthold city until Jay hits a mean Full-Nelson slam. Cole comes back with a diving basement dropkick and immediately targets Jay’s knee. FIGURE FOUR ON THE RINGPOST! That is one of my favorite moves ever. Jay starts coming back with a few jabs, but Cole kicks him in the knee. Cole tries to capitalize, but walks right into a reverse STO into the second turnbuckle. Cole looks for a real Figure Four, but Jay boots him off. Jay eats a superkick, but comes back with a lariat and a Falcon Arrow. Jay’s knee gives out on a Jay Driller, so Adam capitalizes and hits the Knee Brainbuster! Cole heads out to the apron with Jay, but Jay kills him with a DVD on the ring fram! Back in the ring, Jay fires off a neckbreaker for 2. Adam puts in the figure four! Cole goes up too and looks for a Super Florida Key, but Jay bats him off. Cole gets right back up and KILLS HIM WITH A SUPER GERMAN! FLORIDA KEY! JAY KICKS OUT! FIGURE FOUR! Jay gets out, so Cole goes for it again, and Jay boots Cole off into Todd Sinclair. The loudest pop for a ref bump ever right there. Steve Corino comes out and hands Cole a SCUM T-Shirt, but NIGEL SAVES THE DAY AND CROTCHES HIM! TOWER OF LONDON~! JAY DRILLER ON COLE! Jay Briscoe picks up the win in 15 minutes. ***1/2 The shenanigans kicked in right as it got good, but the pop for Nigel’s Tower of London far outweighed anything that actually happened in the match. I suppose something will come out of this, but the match wasn’t allowed to live up to its full potential. It didn’t feel like an ROH title match, much unlike the great Steen/Jay match from Supercard of Honor. If they built it up more efficiently, maybe it would have. As it is, it’s a good main event without a real main event feel, if that makes sense.

The 411: This is the worst ROH iPPV since Final Battle, but by no means does that mean that this show is bad. It's actually a fun show for the most part, barring some absolutely DIRE booking in the I-Quit match and some general filler. It certainly didn't build on the momentum ROH had been building prior to the show, but it was good enough to keep it steady instead of dialing it back. You will definitely want to catch Ishimori/Edwards, but that's the only thing you need to actively seek out. The ROH/SCUM tag match before intermission is an exercise in good, intriguing booking, but as a match it doesn't get into the "must-see" category. This is a very solid iPPV, but aside from the closing moments of the main event, closing moments of the tag match, and Tommaso Ciampa's return, it's also very inconsequential. The match quality is relatively good, but as a whole Border Wars 2013 feels very unimportant in the grand scheme of things..
 
Final Score:  7.0   [ Good ]  legend

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