Ring Crew Reviews: WWE Battleground 2013

• Scheduled Card:
1. Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler.
2. Hardcore Rules Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Rob Van Dam vs. Alberto Del Rio (c).
3. The Great Khali & Santino Morella vs. The Real Americans.
4. WWE Intercontinental Championship: R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel (c).
5. WWE Divas Championship: Brie Bella vs AJ Lee (c).
6. Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. The Shield.
7. Kofi Kingston vs. Bray Wyatt.
8. Ryback vs. CM Punk.
9. Singles Match for the Vacant WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton.

• We’re live from Buffalo, NY with the analyst table of Josh Matthews, The Miz, Titus O’Neil, and Tensai. Titus and Miz do the PTP MILLIONSOFDOLLARS dance and Tensai decides not to join in and instead put over catering. Miz is looking forward to the main event because if he can’t put Triple H’s head on a platter, he wants DB to do it for him. Titus wants to see the tag match and Tensai instead chooses the extreme rules WHW championship match. Tensai manages to take a shot at Brodus Clay’s weight: “I’ll tell ya the two most dangerous places in the world are in the ring with Rob Van Dam and between my good friend, Brodus Clay… AND A TWINKIE!” Miz: “OHHHH! BEST COMEBACK IN THE HISTORY OF… EVER!” Holy shit, that was terrible. ANYWAY, Tensai goes ahead and lays out the possibility that Sandow will cash in tonight, thus guaranteeing that he won’t.

• We get some footage of Paul Heyman proposing to Ryback but CM Punk interrupting the matrimonial moment with the help of a kendo stick.

• We’re joined by Heyman and Ryback. Heyman calls Punk a serial stalker that won’t leave his “big, bad, beautiful Ryback” alone. Heyman wants Ryback to stem the tide of bullying from Punk and 14,000 of his closest friends in Buffalo.

• Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler. Since winning the MITB briefcase, which was a bigger springboard for Cody than Sandow, Sandow has been on the jobber circuit losing to everyone from Cody to Showster to RVD to Truth, Sin Cara, Santino, and well, you get the idea. After the lukewarm cinders of his brewing feud with Big E and AJ were stomped out, Dolph also went on a losing streak of his own laying down for Cesaro, The Shield collectively, Ambrose individually, Ryback, and Curtis Axel. Other than a few 50/50 pinfalls over Ambrose and getting the bump up (down?) into DB’s lockerroom groupie teammates, Ziggler is also on a downward trajectory. On paper, this feud rivals the vaunted Tulip/Brother Midnight feud for who’s the biggest loser.

• Sandow’s got the stick and quotes Ben Franklin in proclaiming a new era of progress and achievement for himself as he will decimate Dolph, a former MITB winner. He insults all the slack-jawed mouthbreathers but actually gets a bit of a pop for the Rude-esque dig. Last year, the Fed made all the heels abandon pink because only faces get to fight breast cancer or something and that was particularly miffing for Sandow who, ya know, HAD PINK GEAR! Well, in a nice touch, this year Sandow is sporting a breast cancer pin on his robe. ANYWAY, Sandow says tonight, after the hardcore rules match, he’ll have the perfect opportunity to cash in. YOU’RE WELCOME!

• LET’SGOSANDOW is quickly overpowered by a louder LET’SGOZIGGLER chant. Sandow with a headlock TO to get us started. Dolph works his way to to his feet and they trade hammerlock reversals. Sandow snapmares him over and charges in with a shoulderblock. Sandow grinds the headlock but Dolph comes back with the Bluechipper dropkick. Sandow lands a headbutt but Dolph backdrops him down. Dolph fires up for the 10 elbows dubbed “The Heartstopper” by JBL. King: “Don’t remind me.” See, that’s the same series of elbows that King got the night of his heart attack and he claimed it might have contributed to his heart attack. Dolph lands #10 and covers for 1, 2, only 2. Sandow counters a whip and sends Dolph in for a new version of the Flair Flip that I haven’t seen from him before. We back a break and we’re back to Ziggler rolling up Sandow for 1, 2, nearfall. Sandow comes firing back with the LARIATO. Cover gets 1, 2, no. Sandow with another hard whip and Ziggler is toast. Snap suplex and Sandow locks in the anchor hold. Dolph counters to a backslide for another nearfall. Russian leg sweep sets up the Tolstoy Elbow for 1, 2, 2 ½. Dolph comes back with a jawbreaker and a series of rights. Dolph sidesteps a charge and telegraphs a shitcan in an awkward spot. Sandow heads up top but flies off into another dropkick. King: “Sandow doesn’t go that high very often because… who was he quoting earlier? Benjamin Franklin? You know, Confucius once said, ‘The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.’” JBL: “CONFUCIUS DIDN’T SAY THAT!” King: “Yes, he did. I read it in a fortune cookie.”

• Sandow goes for a Ho Train but get sent into the turnbuckle. Burrito and a Stinger Splash follow from Dolph. He mounts for the flurry in the corner and hits a neckbreaker. Sandow ducks behind for the Edge-o-matic. 1, 2, no. Sunset flip but Dolph sits down for the Bulldog counter for 1, 2, not quite. Sandow comes back with a STANDING BLOCKBUSTER! ONE, TWO, THREEOHNOHEALMOSTGOT’IM! Dolph blocks a neckbreaker with the Fame-asser. Cole: “MADE FAMOUS BY BILLY GUNN!” 1, 2, no. Dolph goes for the Zig Zag but whiffs. Sandow posts him off a Stinger Splash attempt and jackknife covers for 1, 2, 2.99. Sandow drops the pad for a knee drop and some MT knees. Sandow avoids a blind charge with the up and over but hurts the knee on the way down. Dolph rolls him up with a handful of tights(!) for 1, 2, 2.99. You’re a face for God’s sake. Act like it. Sandow headbutts Dolph to the gut, but Dolph floats behind, clips the knee, and hits the Zig Zag. 1, 2, 3 and Dolph’s your winner at 10:10.

• Not bad. I’m over Dolph as a face and apparently he is too after using a handful of tights on a roll up. He just can’t seem to find his niche as even though he’s over, he doesn’t have a very effective moveset for a face or a heel. Dolph played catchup the whole match with lots of nearfalls and rolls up which is fine, other than that Sandow hasn’t beaten anybody that mattered in months. The match itself is fine with some psychology and good storytelling, but it’s the before and after booking that makes it a bit perplexing. ***

• Meanwhile, they replay some footage from last week, where The Rhodes and the McMahons set up a tag match. Fortunately, they include Dusty quoting Tombstone; unfortunately, they don’t include Big Dust piefacing Stephanie and her hating it.

• Back to the panel as Miz says that Dusty paved the way for everyone and NXT needs him. Titus and Tensai put over their children and family values tonight.

• El Torito interrupts Renee Young reading off Twitter. Torito makes a pass at her in Spanish including pantomiming marking his territory and then exits stage right. What in the hell is going on?

• Edge and Lita win the power couple poll over Macho and Liz thus proving that WWE.com should never be trusted for anything.

• Miz and Titus give us some talking points. Tensai, on the other hand, says that Orton never learned from the great Bobby Heenan that you should never pick a fight with a man uglier than you. T then puts on a Jamaican beard in support of Daniel Bryan and messes up his glasses in the process. Tensai should do this every month as clearly those years in Japan giving worked press conferences paid off because he carried the entertainment on this preshow.

• Time for the PPV as we get some computer schematic graphics putting over the Punk/Heyman feud with the newest ringer, Ryback, as his latest stand-in. More footage focuses on the Corporation/Rhodes Family feud and makes it look AWESOME, which it is, but the package does it job. We end on DB/Orton and the renewed Viper coming out of Orton and H labeling DB as the little engine that could. Good stuff.

• Hardcore Rules Match for the World Heavyweight Championship: Rob Van Dam vs. Alberto Del Rio (c). After MITB, RVD lost an opportunity at the WHW strap at SS by losing to Christian in a triple threat with Orton. Christian came up short due to a sore shoulder, so RVD won the next shot after scoring a pinfall victory over Del Rio on free TV. RVD followed up beating Sandow several times and The Shield in tag matches with a still face Show and Mark Henry. After Henry came up lame with a strained hamstring, RVD recruited the help of Ricardo going into NOC. ADR used the champion’s advantage to get DQ’ed but keep the belt, so a rematch was made but this time, anything goes. Take it away, King. Lawler: “TONIGHT, RULES ARE LIKE A PINATA: MEANT TO BE BROKEN!” Thanks for that. Look on the bright side, ADR has a pink shirt showing that even bad guys can be anti-cancer even if they are pro-evil.

• Cole and JBL immediately bring up a sign in the crowd that says that Sandow should cash in, tonight. I’m all for paying attention to the obvious, but because they never do that, it makes it even more obvious that it’s not going to happen. BUT WAIT! SANDOW’S KNEE WAS INJURED ON THE KICKOFF! INTRIGUE! ADR with a quick suplex and ducks under the ring but RVD suicide dropkicks him down. RVD low blows Del Rio on an atomic drop and then lands a moonsault off the barricade. RVD gets a chair at 1 minute in. RVD goes to the gut and slingshots in with a DDT ON THE CHAIR! 1, 2, 2.9999! That was sick though it’s a little early to pull that. Del Rio comes back with a whip and a Backcracker. Did we fast forward through the feeling out and the heat into the cutoffs and false finishes? Cover gets 1, 2, no. ADR goes to work with the chairshots as Cole brings up RVD’s previous MITB cash-in on Cena at ONS I. More chairshots get another nearfall. Del Rio goes to a lazy choke at 3 minutes in as this is quite the odd opening. Luckily, ADR boots RVD down with a boss Curb Stomp. Del Rio sets the chair up between the turnbuckles but RVD comes back with a roundhouse kick. RVD chokes for a bit and then slingshots out to the apron with a guillotine leg drop. Ricardo directs RVD to get a ladder much to the crowd’s delight. ADR tries to tug of war it away only to eat a ladder shot and a thrust kick from the top rope. RVD whips ADR into the ladder and ADR pulls an old Sting trick by pole vaulting himself into damage awesomely. He eats it to the floor as JBL says the name “Sabu” on a WWE broadcast which is something I figured I’d never hear again. Back in, cover gets 1, 2, only 2. The ADHD crowd now calls for tables. Instead, RVD whips Del Rio into the ladder for another roundhouse. He wants Rolling Thunder off the ladder but ADR sidesteps and lands a SWEET step up enzuigiri. The ladder falls on RVD then ADR stomps it on him. Nice. AAAAA! DDDDD! RRRRRRRR!

• ADR ducks under the ring for a trash can and waffles Van Dam. King: “ALBERTO’S GOING TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH!” King: “The resale value of that can is nil.” JBL: “We recycle here.” Cole: “I don’t think Del Rio does.” JBL: “He’s an environmentally friendly guy.” Del Rio blows a kiss to RVD and flies off the top but eats a dropkick INTO the trash can. Del Rio tries a flurry but RVD comes back with a Hogan-line and some kicks. RVD places the ladder near the corner and then slams ADR on it. Split-leg moonsault on the ladder follows for 1, 2, nearfall. RVD sets up the ladder again for Rolling Thunder as this is starting to reek of the old ECW staple of spot, rest, spot, rest, wash, rinse, repeat. Del Rio moves and RVD eats ladder. ADR rolls him into the armbar. BUT WAIT! RICARDO’S GOT THE BUCKET! He waffles ADR to a pop and then RVD rolls Del Rio up for 1, 2, 2.99. Cole: “NOBODY’S BREAKING ANY RULES, HERE!” Del Rio shitcans RVD out so he can have a heart-to-heart with his compadre, Ricardo. Ricardo looks to cooperate only to punt ADR to the stones. ADR is PISSED and no sells to shitcan out Ricardo for the beatdown of his life. JBL: “WHAT A ROTTEN EMPLOYEE!” Del Rio kicks the FUCK outta him and then smacks him around. He goes for the ladder but RVD kicks him to the floor. RVD follows up with a 5SFS off the apron on the ladder. Brutal. ROB! VAN! DAM! Back in, delayed cover gets 1, 2, 2.999999 for RVD. The crowd chants for tables so RVD obliges by getting the chair. He wants the Van Terminator but ADR moves out of the way and RVD wipes out. Van Dam tries to get some room with a jawbreaker but Del Rio pounces with a drop toe hold into the chair. SHADES OF RAVEN! Del Rio follows up with the ENZUIGIRI HOMICIDA and Pillmanizing the arm. Chair-assisted armbar finishes RVD at 16:06.

• I would have preferred more of a story and structure other than just dumping everything for the spots at the bell. It’s almost like this is a sequel to the NOC match that picks up right where it left off instead of laying its own foundation. Because of that liability, this match has a tendency to be just spots without much of a reason for them other than “people expect a ladder spot, so give it to them.” Once ADR takes over and Ricardo gets involved for a false finish, we’ve got the patented WWE finishing stretch that is lights out and this time with the added benefit of a brutal series of moves from ADR and a past-his-prime but established face tapping clean to put him over. ***1/4

• Meanwhile, the Real Americans are in the back and Big Zeb’s got the collar mic. GET ‘EM, ZEB! He wants to know why anyone would cheer their hometown of Buffalo. He saw a growing immigrant population especially those mothercanuckers from up north crossing the other border. He says Buffalo is only famous for fried chicken wings. Cesaro: “I didn’t know that.” Swagger: “– [no sell].” Santino and Khali are going up against WTP and Zeb wants to dump them in Crisco so that they’re FRIED, DYED, AND LAID TO THE SIDE! WE THE PEOPLE!

• The Great Khali & Santino Morella vs. The Real Americans. Shockingly, Khali and Santino not only get entrances but SEPARATE entrances. WTP sprints out of the blocks with new black Gasden Flags. This was built up through WTP beating the Prime Time Playas and Tons of Funk but Cesaro falling victim to Santino’s school boy on RAW and Swagger also losing to him on Smackdown.

• Swagger and Santino to start. Swagger gets sent off but lands a shoulderblock on Santino. Swagger back on offense with a headlock TO. Santino gets back to his feet but can’t escape the headlock, so he sends Swagger off for another shoulderblock. Santino tries to kip up but flops still selling the two shoulderblocks. Psychology? Back to the headlock as the crowd chants for WETHEPEOPLE. This time Santino counters and gets sent off for a shoulderblock of his own. He’s fired up for a bodyslam and goes for the Cobra early. Hiptoss on Swagger but he bails out to avoid only to turn into Hornswoggle attempting the Ringworm. Swagger no sells and tears the sock up. THATNOGOODBASTARD! Swagger throws it down to mild heat and then Stun Guns Santino and tags in Cesaro. Cesaro desocks Santino and tosses it into the crowd. Unfortunately, he doesn’t milk it any before tagging Swagger back in. Swagger distracts the ref so Cesaro can hold out his arm and Santino can run into it in a HORRIBLE spot. This is weak and has no crowd juice. Finally, they get something going with a VaderBomb and a springboard double foot stomp. Santino goes to the tag but gets shoved back into the heel corner. Cole: “Tremendous strategy from the Real Americans. Don’t let Great Khali anywhere near this matchup.” Khali tries to reason with the ref into getting in the ring and awesomely, the ref sells his gibberish as English and enforces the rules appropriately. ANYWAY, Santino counters a headlock with a back suplex. Tags to Khali and Cesaro. Khali piefaces him across the ring and hits a few Hogan-lines. Khali goes to the deadly MMA elbows in the corner and a SHHHH chop. I wonder if that was bequeathed to him in Showster’s recent heel turn as Show decided it was best for business that someone continue that spot. Khali lands a shitty Brain Chop and luckily Swagger breaks up the pinfall. Swagger gets dumped out to the apron only to eat another Brain Chop. Santino flies off with a plancha on All-American Real American. Khali hilariously tries to get the boot up in the corner but Cesaro ducks and clips the knee AND NOW WE GOT TO SCHOOL, SWISS STYLE! BIG SWING ON KHALI! 10 SECONDS! 15 SECONDS! 1, 2, 3 and We the People is partying on the imported Canadian maple syrup and greasy fried chicken of Buffalo tonight at 7:05. Post-match, we get a slow motion replay of Cesaro’s Big Swing on Khali. JBL: “That’s like something you’d see in a Stephen King movie. That is a bad carnival ride.”

• Not as awful as I’d have thought but Santino and Khali are best kept to free TV where they can have 5 minute comedy matches in front of easily pleased fans, not a more demanding PPV crowd. The two teams have almost no chemistry together but the Big Swing is worth at least something. *1/2

• WWE Intercontinental Championship: R-Truth vs. Curtis Axel (c). Axel: “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION HAS AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIVED!” Going back a couple months, Axel has been third, even fourth fiddle in the Punk/Heyman/Brock feud but recently lost a non-title match to Truth on free TV. Truth, for his credit, has made the most of an opportunity to be showcased in the DB/Locker room/Corporation feud, but there’s not a lot of substance to this feud. Cole mentions a promo by Truth on WWE.com where Truth reveals layers of depth saying that Stephanie questioning his dedication to win and get title shots really got to him. It even mentions his Capital Punishment title shot(!) and his heel turn, even if it ignores Lil Jimmy. That’s great and all, but why can’t that be on TV so that people will actually see it? Let’s fix that.

• ANYWAY, JBL singing along to Truth’s song is simultaneously awful and funny. Truth with a haymaker to start as Cole and JBL put over Truth’s previous US title victory. Truth lands a back elbow for 1, 2, only 2. Truth sends Axel into the turnbuckle a few times as the crowd is already dead. Several right hands follow and now Truth mounts in the corner for MOARRIGHTS. Truth throws Axel down with an ipponzei. Truth follows up and sends Axel to the floor with a clothesline. Back in, cover gets 1, 2, nope. Axel bails out practically needing a respirator after only taking a few punches. Axel finally takes over booting Truth into the barricade. Cole: “Many people say Axel is the PERFECT Heyman guy.” Thanks for that. Axel rams Truth into the wall with a Harpoon to take over. Cover gets a fleeting 1 count. Uh oh, looks like Kevin Dunn has decided to branch out and not just use the slow motion for Air Bourne or the Five Star Frog Splash but for every moderately stiff move all night. Axel lands a clothesline that impresses King: “Curtis Axel is one of the most talented superstars we have here in WWE.” King follows up that gem with trying to get over the nickname of “Paulrus” for Heyman. Riveting.

• Luckily, JBL bitchslaps him around for his own good: “I tell ya why you need Paul Heyman. He could be the greatest manager in WWE history. Who cares what he looks? Look, he’s hideous, he has a skullet. IT DOESN’T MATTER! … Paul Heyman had THREE STRAIGHT WORLD CHAMPIONS! THREE STRAIGHT! BACK TO BACK! CONSECUTIVE! The only person to EVER do that.” Meanwhile, Axel lands a Bluechipper dropkick for 1, 2, 2 ½. Axel locks in a chinlock as we get a slow motion replay of the dropkick. Please, God, end this. Other than JBL, you’ve got two idiots on commentary and another in the production truck and we’re barely 5 minutes in. Truth comes back with a leg lariat for the double KO spot. Truth fires up for some clotheslines. He tries an ax kick but whiffs so he wheelbarrow rolls up Axel for 1, 2, no. Fans are not quite feeling it and start chanting for JBL. Ax kick follows for 1, 2, 2.7. Truth hits the sitout gordbuster to crickets. The monkeys in the truck cut to Heyman and even he looks bored. Yikes. Truth tries the What’s Up but Axel hooks the ropes to block. Heyman’s back at it though: “CAPITALIZE!” Axel hotshots Truth into the top turnbuckle as a mild Boring/Walrus chant starts up and dies. Imperfect Driver finishes Truth out of nowhere at 7:40. Dreadful. I gave them an honest chance after Truth’s heartfelt, solid promo on the web, but neither guy has any heat and deserves none after that lazy no-show. Other than Cesaro’s Big Swing, the last two matches were jobber fodder and destroyed the crowd. ½*

• WWE Divas Championship: Brie Bella vs AJ Lee (c). Brie is accompanied by Nikki and AJ is accompanied by Tamina. Brie with a smack to start and some forearms. She throws down AJ for some GnP. AJ bails out for a breather. Brie gives chase so Tamina scares her away, Renegade-style making sure not to touch her only to obstruct her path. Back in, Brie with a jackknife cover for 1, 2, only 2. Brie boots away in the corner and drives AJ into the adjacent corner. Weak turnbuckle smash and a missile dropkick gets 1, 2, no. Brie tries an up and over headscissors but AJ tosses her to the apron. Brie forearms her but AJ trips her up and POSTS HER! NICE! Easily the highlight of the PPV since Cesaro’s swing. AJ covers for a quick 1 count. AJ smashes her into the mat. They trade hands as they fumble a hammerlock in the ropes waffling over who should lead. AJ takes over with an armbar TD and then bridges over into an omoplata. Bries tries a counter but AJ goes back to a single arm DDT and then shrieks for a 2 count. AJ and Brie then talk over the next spot on camera which happens to be a choke in the ropes. Man, the last half hour has been soul-sucking. Anyway, AJ talks some more on camera and drives the injured arm into the turnbuckle. AJ: “THAT’S WHY I’M THE CHAMP!”

• She whiffs on a Ho Train but then snaps and forearms Brie down into the mat. AJ goes to a Fujiwara armbar. Brie offends good and bad taste with a forearm that misses by a solid 6 inches, so AJ no sells to choke her in the ropes. AJ skips to a pop but runs into a dropkick. Brie botches a school girl so AJ says fuck it and kicks out at 1. They finally get on the same page with Brie on offense. Nikki: “THATTAGIRL! FIRE IT UP! FIRE AWAY!” Brie sends her off for a slow whip which AJ sells by lunging into the turnbuckle enthusiastically and then jumping into Brie’s arms for a backbreaker. This is ALLLLLLLL AJ. Brie can’t even be bothered to finish her own spots as she kind of pulls AJ in the direction of the ropes and then walks away thus forcing AJ to crawl the rest of the way into position herself. This sucks. Brie fires up to mild boos. BUT WAIT! TAMINA IS CHOKING NIKKI BELLA ON THE FLOOR! AJ sneaks her with a school girl for 1, 2, 3 to retain at 6:39. AJ tried to keep it together with some mild psychology, but keep the Bellas outta the ring. I can’t believe Dolph and Sandow got pre-curtain jerker status so the last three matches could get PPV billing. DUD

• Cody Rhodes & Goldust vs. The Shield. If the Rhodes win, they get their jobs back and stay in WWE. If the Shield wins, Cody, Goldust, and Big Dust take a hike. This was set up by Cody giving it his best shot but coming up dry against Orton and he was fired. Goldust tried valiantly but also lost. Dusty came in and tried to promo their way back into jobs but instead ate a WMD from Show. Pre-match, the Rhodes are in the back. Dust gives us some hard times, Dustin is ready to bring this feud with the Shield to its natural conclusion, and Cody puts over the company he currently keeps rather than the company that fired him. Good stuff from everyone.

• Rollins and Cody to start. Cody on offense early with a nice backdrop and Rollins bails out. Reigns in off a blind tag but eats a dropkick. He stumbles back into the face corner and Goldust works him over. The Rhodes want a double team but Rollins and Ambrose pull Reigns out to the floor for a meeting of the minds. They regroup and target Dusty but the sons of the Son of a Plumber come out to make it 3-on-3 and a donnybrook is eminent. Cooler heads prevail though and we’re back to Reigns and Goldust in the ring. Reigns with a few headbutts but takes a clothesline from Goldust. Double Rhodes shots to the breadbasket follow but Reigns no sells to pound Cody down and tag in Rollins. Rollins chokes a bit. Ambrose: “MAKE HIM FEEL IT! MAKE HIS DAD FEEL IT! MAKE HIS SISTER FEEL IT! MAKE HIS MOTHER FEEL IT!” CODYCODYCODYCODY chant gets going. Rollins gets sent off but runs into the patented high knee. Cody tells Rollins to suck it and NOW, the crowd wakes up. Cody smothers him in the corner as Cole continues noting that The Rhodes have to play it cool tonight because if they get DQ’ed, they still lose the stipulation. Good drop-in. Rollins ducks a shot and takes back over with a Flatliner into the turnbuckle. Reigns in and steamrolls Cody with a shoulderblock. The Shield works a quick tag and chokes some more. Neckbreaker from Rollins gets 1, 2, only 2. Cody tries to fight and elbow his way free but gets hung in a Tree of Woe. Rollins awesomely mocks the Goldust erotic taunt but runs into an anti-gravity boot from Cody. WEWANTGOLDUST! Cody comes flying off the top with a nice moonsault. JBL: “HE DIDN’T LEARN THAT FROM DADDY!” Goldust in and he runs right over Reigns. Cole: “FORMER TAG CHAMP! IC CHAMP!” Reigns telegraphs a backdrop and Goldust says FUCK YOU AND LANDS THE UPPERCUT! Atomic drop and a Batista kick and Goldust is cooking.

• He mounts in the corner for the 10 punches and hits all of them. Reigns tries to come back with a Stinger Splash but whiffs. Crossbody from Goldust gets 1! 2! NO! Goldust tries another running crossbody but Reigns ducks and Goldust eats it to the floor. Ambrose is quick to mock so Cody races over for the save but the ref holds him off. Rollins trashes Goldust into the barricade as the ref starts the count. JBL: “GOLDUST, DO THIS FOR YOUR FAMILY! C’MON!” Goldust barely beats the count at 9. Rollins covers for 1, 2, nearfall. Goldust is TOAST. JBL: “Goldust better get outta there. You better get your brother.” King: “Yeah, he needs a tag right now.” Cole: “And The Shield isolate Goldust; this is classic Shield that they have made a career out of since bursting onto the scene about a year ago in WWE.” King: “And The Shield are so used to each other, they know what to expect from each other, night in, night out, they have been partners. And let’s face it: Goldust, Cody Rhodes, they’re brothers, but their styles of wrestling are totally different from each other.” Cole: “They have never been a team before.” JBL: “Some brothers don’t like each other. Doesn’t mean they have great chemistry because they are brothers.” Cole: “Let’s be honest here, they’re 16 years apart, Goldust and Cody. Cody admits he doesn’t have much in common with his brother, except for the fact that they’re fighting for family, tonight.” Awesome stuff all around there as Reigns has been working an OrtonLock. GOLDUSTGOLDUSTGOLDUST!

• Goldust tries to power out but runs into an elbow and a LARIATO. Cover gets 1, 2, 2 ½. Rollins tags in with a slingshot senton and another chinlock. Ambrose: “GIVE IT UP, GOLDIE! YOU’RE FIRED!” HEREWEGOGOLDUST say the fans. I can’t remember the last time they were so many organic and consensus chants for the faces during a match that aren’t apart of the usual, regimented, structure of when and what to chant on WWE. Goldust counters a whip and outsmarts Rollins in putting on the brakes. Rather than tag, he tries an elbow drop but COMES UP DRY! NOOOOOOOOO! Reigns back in but eats a desperation boot from Goldust. Rollins back in. POWERSLAM FROM GOLDUST! TAG TO CODY! Missile dropkick and burritos abound. He ties up Rollins for the low blow punt and an Alabama Slam. He hip checks Reigns to the floor and covers Rollins for 1, 2, 2.7. Cody runs into an elbow in the corner but rights back for a MUSCLEBUSTER! ONE, TWO, THREEOHNOHEALMOSTGOT’IM! Reigns breaks it up. Goldust in but eats a heart punch. Reigns: “GET YO OLD ASS OUTTA HERE! HUH?!” Cody capitalizes with the Beautiful Disaster and he gets dumped out. Ambrose tries to attack but manages to distract long enough for Rollins to do his dirty work. BIG DUST HAS HAD IT! He throws the 10 gallon Stetson at Ambrose and IT’S ON, MOTHERFUCKER! Dust takes off the belt buckle and waffles him down. BIONIC ELBOW! THEY ARE STANDING IN BUFFALO! Ambrose begs off setting up Dusty for the Reigns Spear BUT WAIT! GOLDUST TAKES OUT REIGNS! School boy from Rollins gets 1, 2, 2.99999. CROSSROADS! 1, 2, 3 finishes the Shield at 13:57.

• Classic Southern formula tag wrestling – extended formula at that with two heats and two hot tags. It’s crazy to think the NWA had this in place for YEARS getting matches this good and with this much heat on a regular basis, because it takes an old-school angle, the best team going today, and one of the best promo men of all time to get it anymore. The inclusion of Dusty and Ambrose at ringside was PERFECT. I think if they had it to do over, this maybe should have been the Shield’s first ever loss, but definitely their second if you want to keep their first to Orton and Hell No right before Payback. Not that the Shield need that much protection, but what’s the point in blowing a loss to Christian and the Usos on free TV for no reason, when you can save it for a big angle like this? One final note: this is the best year of Cody’s career – Rhodes Scholar, the love-stache, star-making performance in MITB, one of the best free TV matches all year against Orton, and now arguably the angle of the year. ****1/4

• Post-match, the Rhodes get a hero’s exit including the locker room coming out to congratulate them. Awesome moment.

• We kick it back to the analysts. Miz marks out for the Dusty Bionic Elbow. Titus congratulates himself on his prognosticating skills: “Rob Van Dam.. I just knew he would be our next WWE—World Heavyweight Champion.” That’s great and all, except he, ya know, LOST. We get another slow motion replay of the Khali Big Swing by Cesaro. Tensai then notes that no title has changed hands tonight but we’re guaranteed that in the main event. I think he’s putting us on at this point.

• Meanwhile, Vickie interrupts Brad Maddox’s phone call. Steph and Triple H had to hightail it out of town for an emergency Board of Directors meeting, but they have enough time to call Maddox and berate him for letting the Rhodes win. Brad waves the white flag and asks for Vickie’s help in righting the ship. She just laughs and walks off.

• Kofi Kingston vs. Bray Wyatt. Despite basically getting the past two months off, the Wyatts still got a cool pop for their entrance. Cole says that Kofi knows he’s the underdog, but he plans to win the match tonight by “bringing it.” Thanks for that. Bray laughs off a few Kofi kicks to get us started. Kofi tries some more so Bray blocks and palm thrusts him down. Bray: “YOU WANNA MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME?!” Kofi ducks behind with a forearm and the recliner kick in the corner. Bray no sells to crotch him on the top rope. Bray winds up for the Ho Train on a Tree of Woe Kofi. Bray pulls him to the apron for a forearm and then brings him back in for a falling headbutt as the ref tells the rest of the Family to back off. Bray pounds away in the corner and then lands a short-arm clothesline. Cole wants to talk riddles and Lawler opines that he believes Bray is talking about the government shutdown. Bray goes to an arm-in headlock: “THERE IS NO USE! I AM THE MESSAGE OF PURITY!” Crowd is more or less dead as Kofi tries to fight back but that goes nowhere. Wyatt drops an elbow for 1, 2, only 2. MOARCHINLOCK but Kofi floats out of a back suplex into a crossbody for 1, 2, no. Kofi crawls to the apron for relief and tries a slingshot back in but Bray catches him with a nice powerslam. Cover gets 1, 2, nearfall. We’ve got the fifth chinlock in only the 4th minute of action so far. Kofi ducks under a clothesline and comes back with a SWEET Crucifix Driver. Kofi goes to the Steamboat chops, a dropkick, and a burrito to boos. He fires up for the Boom Drop to even louder boos. Kofi calls for the Trouble in Paradise but Bray ducks under and Pounces him. Bray spider walks out of the corner and Kofi bails out. Bray charges in but Kofi low bridges him and dumps him out. Kofi flip splashes out as some idiots chant ECW. Back in, Kofi crossbodys him for 1, 2, 2 ½. Kofi tries a sunset flip but Bray blocks. Kofi lands a jawbreaker instead so Bray no sells, avoids the Ranhei, and plants him with Sister Abigail. Cover gets 1, 2, 3 to win it at 8:19. They tried but no one cared. The start-and-stop booking of Kofi for the last few years has rendered him a meaningless also-ran and Bray desperately needs a feud before he’s just another guy too. Still not the worst match on the card by a longshot. **

• Post-match, Kofi is laid out with a few more LARIATOs and Bray tells us once again to follow the buzzards.

• Meanwhile, we get another replay of Cesaro’s Big Swing. Look at the bright side, if this were WCW, we’d have gotten the fifth update on whether or not Hogan’s limo had arrived yet.

• Ryback vs. CM Punk. After Punk came within a split second of defeating Brock Lesnar at SS, he finally got a little retribution by trashing both Heyman and Curtis Axel on RAW. Heyman tried avoiding the fight of his life but finally had it coming his way at NOC in a handicap match. Punk, after defeating Axel, beat Heyman for several minutes of schadenfreude with a kendo stick before Ryback became a Paul Heyman guy and Speared Punk through a table. In the following weeks, Punk would invoke Stanley Cup champion toughness in going after a wheelchair-bound Heyman only to have one of the best brawls of the year with both Axel and Ryback that ended when Ryback press slammed Punk through a table. Heyman would propose a bromance to Ryback only for Punk to feign an injury and break up the engagement with another brawl. One of my favorite touches of the feud is the way that Ryback hates bullies despite being a bully for the last several months.

• JBL: “CM Punk sure seems like a sore loser.”
King: “WHAT?!”
JBL: “He lost to Paul Heyman and now he’s mad about it. He should admit defeat and move on.”

• Lockup goes nowhere to start before Ryback throws Punk down amid mild Goldberg chants. Thankfully that nonsense doesn’t last long and a rousing CMPUNK chant replaces it. Ryback sends Punk across but Punk baseball slides back up and goes to the kicks and Ryback takes a breather to talk strategy. For the first time in roughly EVER, we can hear the heel and manager conversation. Ryback: “What do I do?” Heyman: “YOU STAND UP TO BULLIES! HE’S A BULLY! HE’S TRYING TO BULLY YOU! DON’T LET HIM BULLY YOU! STAND UP TO BULLIES!” Ryback: “[Emboldened] He’s a bully.” That alone was better than the middle out of the PPV. Back in, Punk goes to the MT knees and again Ryback bails out to boos and YOUSUCK taunts. He tries to regroup so Punk suicide dives on him. Punk tries a dive off the barricade but Ryback catches him. Punk slides behind and sends him into the stairs. Back in, Punk crossbodys him for 1, 2, only 2. Punk with some knees to a downed Ryback only for Ryback to sucker him into the turnbuckle. YOUCAN’TWRESTLE says the first row or so before it catches on into a modest taunt. After press slamming Punk off the top, Ryback: “I DON’T CARE!” This could get interesting. Ryback tosses Punk across the ring and Punk sells the hell out of it by sliding into the ringpost. Ryback then reverse bow and arrows him across the ringpost and brings him back in for a chinlock. Punk punches his way free so Ryback overhead suplexes him own. Ryback lands a nice leg drop for 1, 2, only 2. JBL: “RYBACK IS QUITE THE ATHLETE!” Ryback sends Punk across for a clothesline and some choking. This isn’t great, but it’s way better than the fans are acting like but they just decided the match would suck before it started. Punk tries to come back so Ryback blows through him with a clothesline to X-Pac heat. Ryback hangs him out to dry on the top rope and then Batista kicks him to the apron.

• Ryback continues kicking Punk around but the fans are restless. Ryback harpoons Punk for another nearfall. RYBACKSUX says the fans as Ryback goes to a chinlock. Ryback now switches to an OrtonLock which is still fewer restholds than Bray Wyatt managed in less time. Punk fights out with some STIFF forearms and GnP. Ryback charges in but eats boot. He tries another harpoon but eats turnbuckle. Punk takes over to NOTHING, absolute baffling silence. The crowd is so not into Ryback that they collectively no sell Punk’s comeback as well as he gets smeared by association for weeks of proximity to Curtis Axel and now Ryback. Amazing. A leg lariat and a neckbreaker kinda wake them up. He calls for the G2S. BUT WAIT! PAUL HEYMAN HAS GOT THE STICK! He calls himself the BITW long enough for Ryback to clobber Punk with the Meathook. Powerbomb follows for 1, 2, 2.99. Heyman can’t believe it so he orders Ryback to keep covering but Punk keeps kicking out. Punk flips out of another powerbomb and lands an enzuigiri. Punk hits the step up knee in the corner and heads up for the Macho elbow. He hits it for 1, 2, 2 ½. Punk continues his best attempt at selling and working the crowd back into this but they aren’t buying. He hits another step up knee but Ryback blocks a third with a powerbomb attempt. Punk counters to a rana. Punk gets him up for the G2S but Ryback slides behind for a Bulldog powerslam. Cover gets 1, 2, nearfall. Ryback chokes some more and lands several CLUBBINGBLOWS as Chioda threatens a DQ. Heyman grabs a Kendo stick from under the ring but the ref sees it. In the distraction, Punk goes low and covers Ryback for 1, 2, 3 to win it at 14:48.

• UHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate that finish so much. They booked themselves into a corner as they couldn’t completely neuter Ryback after his recent status as newest Paul Heyman guy and Punk had to win as he’s above and beyond pretty much everyone that isn’t Cena, UT, DB, Rock, etc.; but holy shit, Punk shouldn’t need a low blow to beat Ryback. This had the most unfortunate combination of an apathetic, antagonistic crowd and a lukewarm match that more or less demanded a strong finish and almost redeemed itself in the last minute or so but instead came up lame in the final seconds. **3/4

• Back to the analysts as they make predictions. Miz sticks with his earlier pick of DB because he says that the evil authorities are out of the building and that’ll open the window for Dragon to get it done. Titus and Tensai choose DB as well and YES us out of the segment.

• Singles Match for the Vacant WWE Championship: Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton. Back at SS, Dragon went over Cena for the WWE Championship in his crowning moment. Unfortunately, The Hs decided to do what was best for business and Pedigreed DB right into the waiting arms of MITB holder and hand-picked champion Randy Orton. DB cited populism and leadership as he rallied the locker room behind him to stand up to upper management and their henchmen, The Shield and Orton. DB fought his way into another title shot at Night of Champions where he came out victorious thanks to that “Arnold Benedict” Scott Armstrong (TM Razor Ramon).

Final WWF Survivor Series 1992 Report by TSteck160

• The next night, Trips and Steph vacated the decision and held the title in abeyance. In the meantime, Orton showed a renewed vicious streak taking out Cody, Goldust, and Miz in succession on his way to getting another shot at the belt as well here at Battleground. Orton hasn’t looked this interested since putting some staples in Cody’s head back in 2011.

• Still though, it’s obvious that Orton is throwing everything at the wall possible to get the crowd to hate him. I felt like they had a golden opportunity after Summerslam to reignite Orton’s evil, dumb jock Evolution persona — all smarm and no class. Instead, he’s doing Flair’s womanizing bit but with a bit of psycho Jake in his Macho feud flavor topped off with some attempted Rude-esque zingers. All the while, Cole and everyone in a 10 block radius is declaring him the most dangerous man to have ever lived like Heenan used to do for Macho Man in WCW.

• In the middle of an awesome video package, we had a technical difficult before Cole swoops in and says that they had a brief power outage

• In a nice touch, Cole focuses on the ref, John Cone, and says that he’s under a lot of pressure tonight to not repeat the fast count from last month by Scott Armstrong. Mixed reaction for Orton as he still gets an undercurrent of cheers and correspondingly, DB gets mostly pops but an undercurrent of boos. Interesting.

• They circle before locking up. Cole wants to talk emotions early. JBL: “The only thing that could affect Daniel Bryan right now is guilt for what he did to Scott Armstrong.” DB grabs a headlock and pulls over Orton into a TD. Orton rolls up him for a quick 1 count before DB grinds back into the hold. Orton gets to his feet for a rope break in the corner. Back to the headlock for DB but Orton counters after going to the hair pull. DB sends him off but eats a shoulderblock from Orton. They draw things out for a brief ECW standoff. Orton now goes to work with a headlock of his own. DB sends him off for a Bluechipper dropkick. DB takes over with a few armbreakers but again Orton breaks free by going to the hair and hitting a backbreaker. Nice inversion of the usual with Orton cheating to get to a signature move rather than continuing to work face. Orton uses the bootlaces to rake the eyes as Cole recounts DB’s career history working at a rodeo earning $25 a night and being trained by HBK as well as bringing up his detached retina(!) suffered in the business. MANHATTAN MAYHEM MORISHIMA SMASH FTW! Cole even calls him the American Dragon while Orton continues with the Garvin/Malenko stomp. Cover gets only 1. Orton AGAIN pulls the hair and stays working on the arm. DB rolls through and comes back with a knee to the breadbasket. DB works the hamstrings and then pulls him out to the middle for the DSLW and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL, GAIJIN STYLE! Bryan works an Indian Deathlock and rolls Orton over to work it from the front with some stiff GnP forearms. In the corner, DB wants the super rana but Orton crotches him for the Nigel-line Jawbreaker that DB’s used since he got to the fed. Orton covers for 1, 2, only 2. Short arm clothesline gets another nearfall from Orton. Orton mounts in the corner for the 10 punches and hits all before Dragon crumbles in a heap as Cole tries to paint Orton with Macho’s old WCW gimmick as the “most dangerous man in wrestling.”

• Orton with another clothesline and a headbutt as he’s taking his sweet time. He charges in again but eats boot but counters back to a powerslam for 1, 2, 2 ½. Nicely, Orton grabs the hair to keep DB down before applying a chinlock. DB elbows free but now runs into Orton kneeing him in the gut. Orton hangs him out to dry for 1, 2, nearfall. Orton delays getting back on the offense so DB fires up for the flip up and over. He wants the burrito but Orton shitcans him only for DB to skin the cat and headscissors him to the floor in a spot that didn’t quite work because it was so telegraphed and yet slow. With Orton on the floor, DB follows up with a tope suicida. DB sends him hard into the apron and lands an IED. Unfortunately, the crowd hasn’t been into the show really for about 2 hours and it’s showing based on their reactions to everything post-Rhodes and Shield. Back in, DB tries the diving headbutt but Orton catches him in the LOW DOWN BOMB! 1, 2, NO! Orton capitalizes with a Boston Crab. That’s not a bad idea, but Orton isn’t the guy to “work” a submission. DB goes for the ropes so Orton pulls him back only for DB to small package him for 1, 2, 2.7. DB grabs the arm for an armbar TD into the Yes Lock but Orton grabs the ropes. Orton bails out to the floor and manages to avoid a sliding DB. Orton sidesteps and tosses Dragon into the stairs. Orton now drives him shoulder-first into the post, back suplexes him on the apron, and then posts him again. Where’s even the THREAT of a DQ? Are we just beyond that at this point? Are we back to the late 90s, every match is no DQ trope?

• ANYWAY, back in, Orton covers for 1, 2, kickout. Orton tries some GnP before saying improvising and bringing DB up top. Dragon fights him off with a headbutt before getting crotched and the crowd is still out to pasture. Orton hits a top rope superplex to a mixed reaction but mostly indifference. Cover gets 1, 2, 2.99 as Kevin Dunn figures out new ways to slow motion replay basic moves. Crowd tries to get behind DB but it’s just the most half-hearted blasé enthusiasm imaginable. They go to the slug it out hoping for something to connect with the crowd and luckily, the crowd obliges with YES/NO chants. DB wins the Euro uppercut battle and he ducks behind to backslide Orton for 1, 2, 2 ½. DR FG enzuigiri gets another 1, 2, 2.999. Orton sells to the apron. DB tries to knock him off so Orton pulls out the ole Bret Hart “fuck it, I’m suplexing them to the floor” spot. Orton preps the announce table as the ref still can’t be bothered to remember the letters DQ. Orton tries a WildBomb but DB lands behind and sends Orton into the stairs. The ref’s up to 9 on the count but thankfully, we don’t have to find out if you can win a vacant title by countout as DB breaks it. He climbs back in and flies off the top with a crossbody all the way down to the floor. Nice.

• Back in, the crowd has finally woken up a bit. DB heads up for the diving headbutt. He hits it. Cover gets 1, 2, no. DB fires up for successive IEDs. He hits 4 straight before the landing the delayed Sabin IED to finish Orton off. YESYESYESYESYESYESYES. DB goes to the patented DR FG’s but Orton cuts him off with a T-Bone suplex. Double KO spot as the crew fears that DB may have separated his shoulder. DB bails out to the apron so Orton seizes the moment with the apron DDT. Still not quite realizing he’s the heel, Orton soaks in some cheers before casually mocking the YES taunt to at least gesture in that direction. Orton tries the RKO but DB shoves him off. DR FG ENZUIGIRI! NO! ROLL UP FROM ORTON! 1, 2, NO! YES LOCK! BUT WAIT! IT’S THE BIG SHOW! He comes lumbering down to the ring and bumps the ref. Showster appears conflicted but not so conflicted that he doesn’t KO punch DB and knock him out. Brad Maddox is on the ramp and sends Scott Armstrong down to the ring to count the academic 1, 2, NO! SHOW PULLS HIM OUT!(?) Show KO’s Armstrong too. YESNOYESNOYESNOYESNOYESNO?!?! Orton’s all YOU WAIT UNTIL MOM-STEPH AND DAD-TRIPS FIND OUT, YOU’RE GOING TO BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE! Show no sells Orton’s tantrums and lands the WMD on him as well. PLAY HIS MUSIC! No contest at 24:03.

• Seriously? What. The. Fuck. They had two months to get this right and that’s what they come up with. Show your top guy as a tweener? What exactly is Show’s motivation? If Steph and Trips are gone, why wouldn’t he do what would piss them off the most, i. e. help the biggest face in the company, DB, become the rightful champion? Instead, he lays out basically everyone and poses to mostly silence as the show goes off the air. It’s really unfortunate because after being dead for an hour+, DB and Orton pulled the crowd kicking and screaming back into caring with the go-home and had them right until Show appeared to KO everyone including the crowd back into passionless apathy.

• For the match itself, Orton and DB started off interesting with Orton trying to play it straight but realizing he needed little advantages here and there with the hair and grinding the eyes to help him into signature spots and place him solidly heel – unlike the NOC match. But after the initial back-and-forth, Orton abandoned subtlety and strategy for a rousing series of clotheslines and generic spots like mounted punches in the corner that play like he’s the face. They gestured toward psychology with mild arm work and with Orton’s getting the most traction, but such a mat-based encounter isn’t in Orton’s wheelhouse and they abandoned it.

• Still, all that being said, they had a solid, respectable match going but a mostly dead crowd that was beaten until they were dead, dead, dead by Show’s quizzical interference. The best match between the two is still the street fight on RAW. ***3/4

The 411: The never-ending Punk/Heyman and Dragon/Orton feuds continue to mildly impress, but RVD and Del Rio have a nice showing and The Rhodes brothers having one of the best matches of the year against The Shield in a contender for feud of the year. Not a great show at all but solidly better than Night of Champions.
Final Score:  6.0   [ Average ]