The Name on the Marquee: Tuesday Night Titans (10.2.1984)
Posted by Adam Nedeff on 02.01.2014
Adrian Adonis visits a Texas ranch, but it's too early to do "Brokeback Mountain" jokes.
Originally aired October 2, 1984.
-Your host is Vince McMahon, joined as always by TV’s Lord Alfred Hayes himself, Lord Alfred Hayes.
A VISIT TO DICK MURDOCH'S RANCH
-We start off by going straight to Texas for a report from Mean Gene Okerlund, who is driving along a dirt road somewhere near Amarillo, Texas searching for Dick Murdoch’s ranch. In a weird, pointless scene, Gene gets lost, pulls up to somebody’s house, asks for directions, and then leaves. No gag, no payoff, no wacky characters, just the guy giving Gene directions.
-Gene makes it to the ranch and meets one of Dick’s ranch hands first. Gene asks what Dick Murdoch is like to work for and the ranch hand refuses to answer the question on camera. Dick’s not there, he’s little bit further down the way. Gene gets back in the damn car and meets up with kid who says Dick is a ways off “working the cattle.” Better than shooting on them, I guess.
-Gene gets on a horse and finally meets up with Dick Murdoch, who says the air in Texas smells better than the air in Minneapolis and “California, the land of fruits and nuts.” Gene misuses the word “expostulate” while attempting to compliment Chicago, and they head off to look for Adrian Adonis. We find Adonis muttering to himself about how he somehow managed to get lost on a straight dirt road and he can’t even see a cow anywhere in sight. A truck pulls up and says Mean Gene and Murdoch are looking for him, so Adonis climbs into the bed of the truck (because the front seat is covered with chicken shit) and off they go.
-Gene and Dick are hitting it off shockingly well and take off for Dick’s house for a cold one. Fun fact: Dick Murdoch apparently liked beer. They go on a tour of the house and Gene sees that the living room is filled with paintings of John Wayne.
-They head back outside and finally cross paths with Adrian Adonis, and Adonis complains about how he couldn't find any subways and the yellow cabs must be on strike or something because he actually had to walk a few minutes ago.
-Murdoch teaches Adonis how to wrestle a bull, throw a lasso, and mount a horse, giving Adonis a chance to do his impression of John Belushi in 1941. They go back to the bar where Murdoch and his buddies sing country tunes. Gene joins in and seems to be having a good time. Holy shit, it’s finally over.
BOBBY “The Brain” HEENAN
-Bobby explains that getting booed is just a sign of jealousy, and he’s lived with it his entire life and didn't care. He was a straight-A student without going to class, he had the best car, and he dated any cheerleader he wanted. He boasts about his record of turning ham-and-eggers into champions. He came to the WWF after having a talk with Big John Studd, and he’s going to guide Studd to the top of the WWF and the championship.
-We get a really neat piece of video, Bobby Heenan’s 2nd appearance in the WWF and his first appearance in Minneapolis working for the company. Big John Studd surprises the crowd by revealing his new manager, and the crowd is PISSED at the sight of The Brain.
-Vince McMahon asks about the chants of “weasel” that he heard in the tape. Heenan explains that a weasel is like a furry little snake and he sneaks around at night to steal the chickens from the chicken coop. He’s not a weasel, he insists. He doesn’t care about the chants, though, because he don’t like anybody, except for the teller at the Beverly Hills Bank. Alfred sings “Pop Goes the Weasel” to taunt Bobby, but Vince cuts off the Brain when he tries to defend himself and ends the segment.
-We go to St. Louis for action pitting Sgt. Slaughter against Alexis Smirnoff. Just an unusually long squash match, with Slaughter getting the win after firing the Cannon. Smirnoff attacks after the bell, taking off his boot and clubbing the Sarge with it. Sarge gets pissed and punches him out of the ring. Vince anticipates a rematch in the near future.
B. BRIAN BLAIR
-Blair talks about what a thrill it is to be a guest on television’s best “sports-variety show.” What the hell else would even fit into that category? “Roggin’s Heroes”? Blair says his favorite sport is wrestling because it says “wrestling” on the marquee. In that case, my favorite sport is Closed Saturday for Fumigation.
-We head back to St. Louis for action pitting Blair & Spike Huber against the Moondogs. Huber was a star in the St. Louis territory and got an extremely minor push after Vince took over that part of the world, but he wrestled almost exclusively in that area and wasn’t really part of the big expansion. Huber and Blair get the win here, naturally.
-Back to the studio, Blair is joined by Bob Bradley for a demonstration of amateur wrestling. They demonstrate some holds to outline the difference between amateur wrestling and professional wrestling. Thank god, because trying to figure that out has been keeping me up at night.
-Alfred takes a huge sack load to his chest, and that means it’s time for…
-Letter #1 comes to us from Kansas City, which Vince notes, “is the home city of Harley Race”(!) She wants to know if it’s true that Mr. Fuji is now managing Don Muraco. Thanks for watching, loyal viewer.
-Letter #2 is from Miami. The viewer wants to know if Hulk Hogan and Wendi Richter are canoodling. Vince doubts it because both of them are so career-driven at the moment.
-Alfred leads off by reading a list of championships held by Buddy, sneaking in a little snark by mentioning he held the championship of “The NW…what is that? NWA? Is that right?” Buddy announces that he’s opened a professional wrestling school and pledges “to rear a few champions.”
-Vince introduces Buddy’s son, David Rogers. Note to wrestlers who hope that their kids become wrestlers: Don’t name them David. Buddy brags that one year ago at age 18, his son weighed 115 pounds and today he weighs 223 pounds. Um…
HEARTS AND FLOWERS
-Bobby Heenan returns to answer letters from the lovelorn. But first we watch a David Schultz squash match for some reason.
-Letter #1: Is it true that wrestlers make great lovers? Heenan says they’re the second-best lovers in the world, right behind managers.
-Letter #2: A 69-year-old woman asks why her husband won’t make love to her anyway. Heenan tells her to take the bun out of her hair, hop out of the old rocking chair, and get to work.
-Letter #3: Vince reads a letter about “a husband with a six-inch…scar.” Vince can’t even finish the letter and the crew off-camera begins losing their collective shit. Heenan says she should be thankful that her husband has six inches of anything. Vince looks like he can’t breathe by that point, and there’s an obvious edit to when Vince finally regains his composure and they discuss the problem. Heenan suggest putting a bag over her husband’s head so she can pretend she’s making love to Bobby the Brain.
-Sheik welcomes Vince into his harem for relaxation, which is the secret to his success. Two sexy redheads, who probably aren't natural born Iranian, greet him and stroke his mustache with lustful intrigue.
-He expresses his disdain for “American Marine Man Sgt. Slaughter” and says a few words in Farsi to his countrymen. He pulls out an Iranian magazine and shows off pictures of himself. We go to prerecorded squashery.
-Back to the rumpus room, where Sheik speaks fluent Foreign, continuing to irritate Vince. He does the Persian clubs exercise, then commands his girls to dance. Sheik brings out a camel and explains how he incorporates the camel into his training regimen. Sheik almost breaks Vince up by talking about the camel’s ability to survive without water for days at a time “in the dessert,” and no, that’s not a typo. Vince spreads some wildly inaccurate info about how to tell the difference between male and female camels, and Sheik goes along with whatever he says.
-We wrap up with a look at Brutus Beefcake in action.
The 411: Hoo boy. I'm a broken record, but again, the big problem with the first year of TNT was how damn LONG it was. This was a perfectly good one-hour show stretched out to two hours.