The SmarK RAW Rant – August 13 / 2001

The SmarK RAW Rant for August 13, 2001

– Live from Chicago, IL

– Your hosts are JR & Paul E.

– God bless TSN, for thinking that we might actually want to watch a poorly-played women’s tennis match in a meaningless tournament in Toronto instead of the first 20 minutes of RAW. Oh, wait, who’s sponsoring that tournament? – why, it’s Rogers, the same company that owns TSN and half of the cable companies in Canada! How about that. Well, luckily they replay RAW later in the night, unless they have some tennis emergency and have to pre-empt the replay too. One never knows.

– Update on the movie: It’s shooting May 2002, and it’s going to be financed by the same company that did Tomb Raider. Looks like Bruce Campbell is going to be playing the lead, which is incredibly cool. Of course, it’s shooting in the middle of Wisconsin without so much as a toilet around for 15 miles, but such is the price of art.

– Opening 20-minute interview: Steve Austin comes out on behalf of the Alliance, and brings the entire Alliance with him. He sends some praise the Alliance’s way and gives props to those deserving. Austin wants someone to take out Angle, and Heyman volunteers Rob Van Dam. However, Austin is less impressed with Tazz, who just stood by while Shane got put through a table on Smackdown, and Raven and Hugh Morrus, who both lost. Man’s got a point. Austin gives Tazz a verbal dressing-down, and then a beatdown follows and Tazz takes 10 lashes with Austin’s belt. The one that holds up his pants, not the title belt. That was a pretty awesome promo from Austin, although I think he has hearing problems, unless “What?” is his new catchphrase…

– Tajiri v. Rhyno. Tajiri kicks away, but Albert tosses him around and gets a splash for two. More kicks, but he walks into a knee and more ragdollitude follows. Blind charge from Albert misses and Tajiri hooks the Tarantula, but X-Pac breaks it up. Tajiri mists him outside, but gets set up for a Baldobomb. Regal sneaks it and trips Albert up for two. Tajiri goes up and gets caught for another Baldobomb try, but unleashes RED MIST~!, and hits the missile dropkick and Buzzsawlike Kick to the head to finish at 2:28. Fun little match. * Now we just need Tajiri to unleash the dreaded and exceedingly rare YELLOW mist, preferably on X-Pac.

– Meanwhile, Angle accepts RVD’s impromptu challenge, but Hugh Morrus attacks…and gets anklelocked. So much for that plan.

– Edge & Christian v. The Impact Players. Christian hammers both, and a crossbody on Storm gets two. Justin gets a blind tag and stomps a mudhole, which is turned into a powerbomb for two. Christian comes back with a heel kick on Storm, hot tag Edge. He whips Justin into Christian by accident, but gets double-teamed. He clotheslines both guys and goes for the tag, but Christian is hurt and can’t make that tag. Ah, the old Strike Force turn. Storm superkick gets two. Justin tries another, but hits Storm by mistake and Edge Impales Justin for the in at 2:31. Well, that finish made no sense, but the match was good for the 2 minutes given. ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Austin gives RVD a peptalk. Shawn Stasiak interrupts to suck up to Austin, and promises to do something REALLY memorable tonight.

– Meanwhile, Regal tries to talk Angle of the match with RVD. Stasiak decides to make his name, and comes BARRELLING into the room…and Angle sidesteps him, letting Stasiak collide headfirst with the suit of armor. See, now THAT’S funny. The writers need to concentrate on what the wrestlers are capable of – PHYSICAL comedy, not trying to be witty and urbane using a bunch of guys who generally speak with a mouthful of marbles.

– WCW tag title cage match: Underseller & Kane v. Chuck Palumbo & Sean O’Haire. The jobbers, er, I mean, challengers attack as they come in, but shockingly Undertaker shrugs it all off and Kane slams the door on O’Haire. Gee, I know Sean O’Haire is only like 6’7” and 280 pounds instead of 6’9” and 340 like Undertaker is, but would it REALLY kill him to sell ONE GODDAMNED PUNCH from someone? Just one? Oh yeah, I guess they didn’t say hi to Droz or something, better job them out because you don’t want those kind of attitude problems. Because god knows guys who make sure to say “please” and “thank you” backstage are proven to draw more money than those who fart without saying “excuse me”. In the ring, chokeslam for O’Haire as the Jersey Triad watches from the ramp. Taker beats on Palumbo and gives him some cage as Kane beats on O’Haire on the top rope. Palumbo blades as Kane chokeslams O’Haire AGAIN. UT & Kane maul Palumbo, giving him no offense. Last Ride for Palumbo, but DDP goes after Sara. As usual, he gets outsmarted, as she climbs into the cage for protection, and UT & Kane pin the jobbers as an afterthought at 4:20 to retain. This Undertaker situation is getting ridiculous. Why even bother using these guys if you’re just gonna have them be enhancement talent? Send them down to OVW and get them off TV for a LONG time until the fans don’t remember anymore, and then repackage them once they’ve fixed whatever petty problems they have backstage. Or maybe Undertaker is just an old man in denial about his place in the sport these days. Either way. Ѕ*

– Sable McMahon-Helmsley and Rhyno come out for an interview. Wonderbra my ass, especially since she’s wearing a flimsy (and ugly) strapless dress. Maybe she’s pregnant? Although trying to picture a kid with her chin and HHH’s nose…might as well line him up for beatings at school right now. She’s gonna accompany Rhyno to ringside for Summerslam, and I’m smelling a turn to finally relieve that sexual tension between her and Jericho. Speaking of which, he joins us and insults Stephanie. In fact, he picks up the hot topic of the day and speculates on just what IS down her shirt right now. We get the “before” and “after” pictures on the Titantron, showing her formerly modestly endowed self and comparing it with her current grotesquely swollen jugs and even mocks “Bodies”, declaring that her new theme should be “Let the Boobies Hit the Floor”. Hey, he’s 2/2 on trendy references this week, at least. Too bad she was using “My Time” as her entrance music this week. Steph gets all defensive in a funny bit and covers up. So Booker T joins us, assumably for the sole reason of boosting Steph’s self-esteem by telling her how fine she be lookin’, and to let us know that it’s all-natural. Well, Booker’s never lied to me before. Rock comes out to rebut, and I smell a tag match tonight. He makes some short bus jokes about Booker (maybe 2+2 DOES equal Thomas Jefferson these days, it’s been a while since he’s been in school, after all). For those who need Rock’s material interpreted for them, the “short bus” was designated transporation for the “special” classes in school. Jericho dubs Rhyno & Steph “Gore and Whore”. Rock goes one up and calls Booker & Shane a “WCW Champion Sucka and Silver-Spoon Muthaf—“ before Steph bursts in with an ill-timed “SHUT UP!”, forcing a quick bleep of the Rock. She really needs to work on her timing if she’s gonna do those kind of jokes. Rock & Jericho close with more obvious boob jokes at Steph’s expense, setting up the tag match tonight. Rock is gold as always, but at 25 minutes it was a WEE bit long.

– Meanwhile, Shane Helms introduces himself to Steve Austin. They end discussing Helms’ tattoo (“That’s Green Lantern.” “What’s a Green Lantern?”) and superheroes in general. I don’t know where Helms gets off saying that Green Lantern ever knocked out Superman with one punch, because it wasn’t in any issue I ever read. In fact, by the end of the Return of Superman storyline, Hal Jordan was getting his ass kicked by the Cyborg Superman pretty decisively. Maybe Kyle Raynor was able to do something after I stopped reading in 1997, but he’s such a dickhead that I can’t see him being put over Superman. Now Guy Gardner, THERE was a real man.

– Test v. Spike Dudley. Test goes for the Meltdown quickly, but Spike reverses to the Acid Drop, which Test blocks by throwing him out on his ass to the floor. Good counter. He pounds on him outside and tosses him in, but misses the flying elbow. Spike dropkicks him to come back. Rana, but Test goes for a powerbomb, which is reversed to another Acid Drop attempt, which is blocked again by Test. Field Goal finishes at 1:48. Entertaining couple of minutes! *1/4 Big brawl between the APA & Dudleyz sets up a six-man at Summerslam.

– Meanwhile, Kurt Angle has another discussion with Shane Helms about superheroes and disses Green Lantern, noting that even Aquaman is a better hero. Well, I think Aquaman was actually killed off last month, but the point is still the same. Helms SPILLS KURT’S MILK, and gets his ass kicked for doing so. Man, you just don’t mess with a guy’s calcium intake for the day.

– Hardcore title match: Rob Van Dam v. Kurt Angle. Brawl outside to start, and Angle clotheslines him for two. RVD sends him into the crowd and hits the guillotine legdrop for two. Into the ring, a chair gets involved and Rob gets sent into it for two. He comes back with a heel kick and baseball slides a chair into Angle’s face for two. Angle tries to go up, but Rob pops up there and kicks him in the head in a neat spot to set up his rolling chairshot, but Angle counters and hits him with the chair. Raven & Dreamer run in to break up the Anglelock, but Angle gets the Angle Slam. Now Jeff Hardy joins us, hits the Swanton on RVD, and pins him to win the Hardcore title at 3:01. Usual cop-out ending for this title, but I guess they’re setting up RVD v. Rainbow Brite at Summerslam. Match was energetic while it lasted. *

– Meanwhile, Stasiak tries to apologize to Austin, who is in the bathroom. He gets as far as saying “I’m sorry” to the door before it swings open and knocks him silly. Again, Shawn Stasiak getting pummelled by inanimate objects: FUNNY. Booker T doing comedy skits: NOT FUNNY. Watch and learn.

– Booker T & Rhyno v. The Rock & Chris Jericho. Jericho beats on Rhyno to start and uses some Midcard Violence. Missile dropkick get two, but Booker saves. Rock lays the smackdown, but he wants Booker T. Booker T would prefer to stand on the apron. We have an impasse so Jericho comes in to bulldog Rhyno, which allows Booker a cheapshot on him and Rhyno lays in the boots. Sidekick gets two for Booker. Jericho flapjacks him, and it’s tags all around. Belly to belly for Rhyno, but Booker nails Rock from behind and Rhyno pulls down the top rope to send him to the floor. Rock heads back in and Rhyno covers for two. Booker gets a scissor kick for two. Kneedrop gets two. Axe kick and THE MOST ELECTRIFYING SPINNAROONI IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TODAY, but Jericho saves. Rock comes back with a lariat on Rhyno, hot tag Jericho. Fivearm and leg lariat, but he messes up the springboard dropkick and the fans let him know. Ref gets bumped, as Rock & Booker brawl on the outside. Nick Patrick runs in as Steph nails Jericho with a chair, and Rhyno gets two. Rock beats on Rhyno and goes for the People’s Elbow (the second-most electrifying move in sports entertainment today, if you believe Paul Heyman, and when has HE ever lied?) but Booker trips him up and continues the brawl outside. Walls of Jericho on Rhyno, but a third ref comes in and gets punked out by Shane McMahon right away. Steph comes in to break it up, but very gently gets put in one herself (while demurely adjusting her skirt (note to Steph – wear pants next time)) and as usual, Jericho’s idiotic choice of target allows Rhyno to hit him with a low blow and get the cheap pin at 8:50. Hate the finish, love the match. *** Rock makes his own comeback, but gets hit with a BOOKEND! Praise god and pass the potatoes, they finally gave Booker his finish back! That’s the good stuff, baby.

The Bottom Line: Hype job for Summerslam has been about a million times better than the one for InVasion, although amazingly InVasion did a 1.6 buyrate, the fourth-highest in wrestling history. And they said that Tazz v. Tajiri wouldn’t draw!

Anyway, boneheaded Undertaker squash o’ the week aside, this was a much better outing than last week’s brainfart, and although the build for Angle-Austin has been lacklustre, Rock seems to be single-handedly trying to make up for it with his promos. I’m actually more interested in the Booker-Rock match than the main event. Common sense says that Rock wins, but long-term planning says that he loses. But will Tajiri debut a new color of mist? THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW!

Until Booker starts stealing material from Dolemite and calling the Rock a rat-soup eating mutha…well, you get the idea…