The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (1.5.1985)

-Originally aired January 5, 1985.

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino.

MIKE ROTUNDO & BARRY WINDHAM vs. RUSTY BROOKS & CHARLIE FULTON
-Rotundo starts with Charlie Fulton as Howard Finkel steps in quickly to hype the big event coming to the Keith High School gymnasium on Wednesday, featuring the Junkyard Dog and…absolutely no one else, I guess.

-Double dropkick by Windham and Rotundo, and Fulton’s had enough. He tags in Brooks and for some reason, the crowd just boos Brooks out of the fucking building for even being there. Slam by Windham gets a huge pop from the crowd who can’t believe he had it in him to do that. Brooks’ build and the way he sells bumps would make me think he was doing a Chris Farley gimmick if I didn’t know this was 1985.

-Rotundo trades punches with Fulton and Fulton just gets frustrated and tags Brooks back in, and Windham calls it a week pretty quickly with a bulldog.

UPDATE
-Lord Alfred Hayes is live from Studio 54, with a report on a special awards ceremony honoring Cyndi Lauper and Captain Lou Albano. Lou, having had revolutionary brain treatment, turned face and led a fundraiser for multiple sclerosis. Captain Lou commends Cyndi for helping him “see the light” and pledges that with Titan Sports behind them, they’ll wipe out world hunger, which is not the cause that he’s accepting an award for at the moment.

-A promo for “WWF World Championship Wrestling” tonight at Boston. Vince apparently liked the music and graphics that Georgia used for its house show promos and used it for everything after he bought out that territory, and it’s actually a little weird seeing it here to promote a different group. Tonight in Boston, Greg Valentine defends the Intercontinental Title against Tito Santana…Big John Studd & Ken Patera face the dream team of Andre the Giant & Junkyard Dog…and more.

.HULK HOGAN TRAINS HILLBILLY JIM
-Okay, that big overalls-wearing hillbilly that the commentators saw at MSG…well, he came to all the TV tapings too. And one week, Ken Patera and Big John Studd attacked Hulk Hogan and got ready to cut his hair when the hillbilly got fed up, stormed into the ring, and made the save. So now Hulk is showing his gratitude by training him to become a professional wrestler.

-Hulk comes to Hillbilly’s house before 6 am, which Jim is fine with because he’s usually up early for farm chores anyway. Hulk makes him a protein shake instead of the pancakes and fatback that Hillbilly wants. The shake smells awful and Hillbilly nearly spits up. This was a WEIRD quirk to give Hulk Hogan, and it was actually a running gag for a time, done on TNT and an episode of Saturday Night’s Main Event. I mean, here you have the flag bearer for your company and the role model for children all over the world, and you have this recurring shtick about how he makes really shitty-tasting milkshakes.

-Next, we’re off to the gym where Hulk teaches Jim how to lift weights. Step 1, Hulk makes Jim take off his hat. Hulk’s technique is flawless, but Hillbilly nearly kills himself in a variety of ways trying to do what Hulk is doing.

-We’re in the ring now, where Hulk yells at him for wanting to wear his hat. Jim wants to wrestle but Hulk doesn’t think he’s ready yet. Hulk teaches him some coordination exercises. He thinks Jim has some work to do.

-Next lesson, how to run the ropes. First step, get rid of the damn hat. Hulk is fine, Jim is…well, frankly, he’s ready for the Diva division, worst-case scenario.

-Gene Okerlund, looking even shorter than usual thanks to an inept cameraman, hypes tonight’s event in Boston. Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch will defend their tag team titles against the Brisco Brothers, Dr. D faces Blackjack Mulligan, and Special Delivery Jones meets the Magnificent Muraco. Swede Hansen vs. Brutus Beefcake and Bret Hart vs. Mr. Fuji to round out the card. Fuck, that actually is a pretty solid card.

IRON SHEIK & NIKOLAI VOLKOFF (with Classy Freddy Blassie) vs. MARIO MANCINI & STEVE LOMBARDI
-Long version of the anthem this week to ring in the new year. Vince suspects that if the Iron Sheik has camel breath, he will use it to his advantage in the squared circle. Sheik and Lombardi trade holds and Lombardi gets a near-fall, which causes the crowd to lose their shit.

-Mancini tags in and fares considerably worse, getting suplexed all over the place before Slick Nik tags in for the wedgie backbreaker, and that gets three.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Blackjack Mulligan, who’s still full from his Christmas dinner and can’t really concentrate on his bout against David Schultz. He promises to give an attitude adjustment to Schultz.

ADRIAN ADONIS & DICK MURDOCH (Tag Team Champions) vs. PAUL ROMA & SALVATORE BELLOMO
-Murdoch wrestles Roma down while the commentators make it a point to put Roma over as an up-and-coming star with great amateur credentials and an impressive physique. Meanwhile, Adonis & Murdoch take turns beating the crap out of him. Murdoch drags Roma over to the corner just so Roma can make the tag and Murdoch will have somebody else to beat up.

-Bellomo hiptosses Murdoch and Murdoch sells it like he’s been shot before crawling to Adonis and tagging out. Adonis elbows Bellomo and they finish quickly with the Decapitator.

PIPER’S PIT
-Piper now has Cowboy Bob Orton as his bodyguard. His guests this week are Bobby Heenan, Ken Patera, and Big John Studd. They say their recent attack on Andre the Giant was premeditated and they were only surprised by how easy it was to knock him out. Big John shows off a Ziploc bag filled with Andre’s hair, and they give Piper a lock of hair as a souvenir.

“Dr. D” DAVID SCHULTZ vs. JIM YOUNG
-Schultz offers a handshake to start and actually shakes hands instead of attacking. He pounds Young down, but backs off when Young shows some life. Howard Finkel announces more stars for the big Keith High School gymnasium spectacular. The Moondogs will be there, and so will Greg “The Hammer” Valentine. Are there actually going to be matches at this show or just a bunch of guys milling around the gym?

-Schultz slams Young into position and drops the elbow, which, to Vince’s surprise, gets the three despite a sloppy cover.

-We go to the beautiful islands of Hawaii, where Don Muraco is getting oil rubbed on his back by three babes in bikinis. Muraco says he went to a modeling agency and paid these women $500 apiece to come in and rub oil on him, just like that phony Hulk Hogan would do. He stresses that the three women rubbing oil on him might be staged and phony like Hulk Hogan’s public image, but what you see from the Magnificent Muraco is all real.

BRISCO BROTHERS vs. DAVE BARBIE & GINO CARABELLO
-Jack starts off with Dave Barbie. Brisco uses a lot of simple holds to frustrate Barbie. Gerry tags in and goes into the ropes, but trips over Barbie as he crosses the ring. That looked…odd. Jack tags back in and gets trapped in the jobber corner. They double-team him for a spell until Jack fights back with a kneelift. Kneedrop on Carabello, and in comes Gerry again to snap the neck.

-Gerry cradles Carabello and Carabello kicks out, but Gerry holds onto him and just stays clamped down on him. Vince mentions that after this match, we will go to footage of a recent incident that took place in Madison Square Garden.

-Dropkick by Jack. Double tackles by the Briscos, and Gerry finishes him off with the figure four.

-Gene Okerlund talks to Adrian Adonis, who talks about the Briscos’ recent victory over the Tag Team Champions in a recent non-title bout. Adonis mentions a bout of the flu that affected the recent match, but this rematch will be a different story. JYD steps in and says that Patera & Studd will pay the cost for beating up the boss. He says Andre will do most of the wrestling; his job will be to stand outside and make sure nobody runs away.

-Vince McMahon apologetically says that we will not be seeing the footage of the incident from Madison Square Garden because “the tape has been sequestered.” Vince says that in a future broadcast, they will try to show us what happened, but he says it wasn’t a proud moment for the WWF.

The 411: New year, new talent, new angles. Thumbs up!
Final Score:  6.2   [ Average ]