The Name on the Marquee: WWF Championship Wrestling (7.13.1985)
Posted by Adam Nedeff on 06.28.2014
The tag team belts are on the line.
-Originally aired July 13, 1985.
-Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bruno Sammartino.
-Random thought, who was the voiceover guy who said “The recognized symbol of excellence in sports entertainment”? Because it’s definitely not one of the commentators or interviewers, and I think it’s weird that Vince would go outside the company for that.
“Mister Wonderful” PAUL ORNDORFF vs. MR. X
-I kinda want a homemade Paul Orndorff baseball jersey like one of the fans is wearing.
-Paul Orndorff throws Mr. X to the floor, and you don’t have to ask Danny Davis twice to do THAT spot. Orndorff drags him back into the ring while Heenan looks on, briefcase filled with cash in his hand.
-Back in the ring, Orndorff does the shitty version of a slingshot suplex and nearly flops X’s dick out of his tights on the rebound. Piledriver gets three. Heenan leaves, looking disappointed.
-Lord Alfred Hayes reacquaints us with Randy Savage and looks at his debut from last week. Every manager is keeping one eye on Savage because they think he has the tools to become an elite member of the WWF roster.
PEDRO MORALES & LEAPING LANNY POFFO vs. BARRY O & J.A. RIZZ
-The other Poffo brother debuts, courtesy of Randy having the presence of mind to ask about a spot for his brother during Vince McMahon’s first phone call.
-Poffo does a backflip to get out of an arm-wringer, and Pedro tags in and works Barry’s arm for a bit. Poffo tags in and gets clotheslined down. Poffo gets a taste of JARizz and doesn’t like it, so he kicks J’izz in his mouth and tags Pedro in. Pedro has a remarkable amount of trouble applying a Boston crab on a weeble-wobble-built jobber but finally locks it on for the submission.
-Jack Reynolds jumps in with a major announcement: Last week in Baltimore, Tito Santana defeated Greg Valentine to reclaim the Intercontinental Title. Jack hypes the next big event at Boston Gar…uh, Providence, Rhode Island. Wow, that’s jarring after all these months. Classy Freddy Blassie is excited about another goddamn match with Windham & Rotundo facing goddamn Volkoff and Sheik goddamn again and this time, it’s a Texas Tornado match, which means that the first team to submit a clean urine sample loses.
THE MISSING LINK (with Bobby Heenan) vs. JIM YOUNG
-Headbutt after headbutt by the Link, and then he rams himself into the turnbuckle, doing it so hard that it removes about half of his facepaint. Forearm from the second rope gets three, and Link continues beating on Young after the bell.
-Vince McMahon tallies the votes to date for Manager of the Year. Right now, the lead is neck and neck between Captain Lou Albano and Bobby Heenan, with Bobby Heenan having a slight lead at the moment, amazing Vince. Vince reminds us that Hillbilly Jim is eligible to receive votes, because he’s managing Uncle Elmer.
-Jack Reynolds hypes the upcoming card in Providence. Andre the Giant will face “The Prince of Darkness” Don Muraco(?) Captain Lou Albano says he’s confident about Windham & Rotundo’s chances in the Texas Tornado match, and he says he’s proving it by talking in a normal tone of voice. Blassie yelled and shouted in his promo and Albano says that showed his hand. And then Albano immediately plays the hypocrite card by vowing that Windham and Rotundo will “paint a titmouse’s legs with a proboscis brush on Saturday night, pop the doody.”
GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE vs. JERRY ADAMS
-Jobber bears an uncanny resemblance to Ernie Sabella. He attacks Steele from behind before the bell and pays for it, with Steele taking him out to the floor and absolutely mauling him. Mr. Twinkacetti makes it back into the ring and Steele just takes him back out again and rams him into a table.
-Back in, Steele lays out Adams’ arm and stomps it and stomps it and stomps it. Steele eats a turnbuckle to a BIG pop. Hammerlock finishes, but for some reason, referee Rita Marie kind of spaces out and Steele finally releases the hammerlock and clearly tells her on camera to ring the bell.
-Piper makes fun of Bob Orton for wearing his new $8,000 Rolex on the wrong wrist, and Orton points out that he’s kinda wearing a cast on the correct wrist. Weird bit. And then suddenly a fistful of confetti flies in Piper’s face and he excitedly greets “wrestling’s number-one draft choice,” Randy Savage. Oh good, another brand extension. Savage, looking like he actually showered wearing his full entrance gear, encourages Piper to put on his cape and see what “Macho” feels like.
TERRY FUNK vs. MARIO MANCINI
-Substitute ring attendant this week, and a great bit to start as Funk tries to pass off his cowboy hat and the ring attendant absolutely will not touch it, and Funk looks frustrated as he just throws it down to the mat.
-Funk slaps around Mancini and goes off the ropes for a charge, but bungles running the ropes and nearly launches himself over the top rope, which gets a decent laugh from the crowd.
-Hard chops by the Funker, followed by a neckbreaker. Funk tries the Bossman leg drop and Funk crotches himself on the middle rope, then does the Harley Race weeble-wobble in the ropes and out to the floor. Funk stands on the apron forever, teasing a jump off the apron for a move, and instead he just boots Mancini in the head. Funnier than it probably sounds. Stepover toehold gets the submission.
-Tito Santana reminds us to never to swim alone, always with a buddy.
TAG TEAM TITLE: NIKOLAI VOLKOFF & IRON SHEIK (Champions, with Classy Freddy Blassie) vs. BARRY WINDHAM & MIKE ROTUNDO (with Captain Lou Albano)
-Volkoff sings the short version of the anthem and the fans still manage to throw a dumpster’s worth of paper cups into the ring. Bruno picks Windham & Rotundo to take the belts back, Vince picks Volkoff & Sheik. Crowd is fucking jacked for this one because you never saw title matches on TV in this era, so they KNOW a title change is happening here.
-Enziguiri by Windham stuns Volkoff. Volkoff takes the fight to the wrong corner and nearly gets pinned with a roll-up by Rotundo. Slugfest goes Rotundo’s way and Sheik sneaks a knee to the back to ground Rotundo. Sheik tags in and spits on Rotundo before driving some pointy boots into him. Rotundo won’t give up. Gutwrench by Sheiky Baby and he locks in the camel clutch to finish but Windham is able to break the hold.
-Rotundo rolls up Sheik for a cradle. Volkoff steps in and rolls them over so it becomes Sheik cradling Rotundo. Referee steps away to reprimand Volkoff without counting the pin, and Windham sneaks in to roll the pin back to the original position, and Rotundo hangs on to get a three-count and get the belts back.
-Jack Reynolds talks to Don Muraco, who says that Providence has never seen a giant cry, but they’ll get the chance to in just a few short weeks.
The 411: Feature bout was honestly pretty underwhelming, but funnily enough, the squashes this week were a lot of fun, so I'm still satisfied.