The Feminine Complex: American Angels – Baptism Of Blood

THE FEMININE COMPLEX
Tape Review #9
American Angels – Baptism Of Blood

Welcome to the Feminine Complex, the greatest column in the world…tribute.

Jack Black, goon, idiot, star of the worst film ever Evil Woman…poetic
genius.

If you caught the blink-and-you’ll miss it appearance of the 8th Feminine
Complex (Hell Comes To Frogtown) I’ve compiled a short list of answers to
the most Frequently Asked Questions/Comments. Firstly, I now know I was
mislead on the lack of sequels to this film by a film magazine that should
know better. Secondly, my main problem with Scooby Doo has EVERYTHING to do
with no “let’s see who the real ghost is” ending, and finally by god a lot
of you picked up at garage sales…I’m wondering what my demographic is…

This week I have to give a big shout out to the Ox David Schwarz on a gem of
a career cut short by injury and road rage. The true Dees loved you big
fella. You were up there with Hayden Lomaro. Should you find yourself in
Australia soon you should probably check out John Saffran’s Musical Jamboree
for TV at it’s finest. A dog on Rage indeed. This is a dated reference but
buy the Drowned World Tour DVD (Madonna) for the cool little trippy Japanese
cartoon on What It Feels Like For a Girl. However I’m inspired this week by
childhood fears, a subject broached on our resident intellectuals Charlie
and Nicole on Triple J. A man confessed to being scared of Mr
Snuffleuphagus, the imaginary friend of Big Bird. I was scared of Flock of
Seagulls and Paul Weller in Style Council. I was terrified of Roland from
Tears For Fears and not being able to skate. Santa Claus to this day scares
me to death…and the blind girl in the Lionel Ritchie clip for Hello that
fashions a clay bust of the man…that’s just freaky…

Well it is…should anyone wish to discuss childhood fears as scary as
this…I’d recommend a therapist….

So thematically the 8 columns so far have covered Womens Wrestling, midgets,
hardcore wrestling (like blood), fat chicks terrorizing small chicks,
wrestling in strange substances, bad movies, The Ultimate Warrior and bad
movies (again). So Claire is there a movie that can tie up the first 8
columns, one that deals with each theme in one simple place? Of course not…I
couldn’t quite squeeze the Ultimate Warrior into American Angels, a
ludicrously bad piece of over dramatized movie making that replaces the
scheduled feature “They Live” with Roddy Piper, due to the tape chewing, and
our ever promised feature in which a female wrestler stands on a toy
car…they are coming, I promise…

So how can you not love a movie that bills it’s top star as having starred
in Gator Bait 2? Was there a Gator Bait 1? I missed that…anyway our game
heroine…sorry Madonna just got a Mick Foley style cheap pop…anyway, the
American Angels are the leading womens wrestling troupe in the country but
ratings are down so new stars are needed badly! Our dorky…hang on, I’ve got
to turn Madonna off…this plead for the new song thing in a fake accent is
annoying me…anyway American Angels promoter and owner Diamond Dave (and I’d
love to think this was a biting satire on David McLaine, erstwhile GLOW
promoter, but it’s probably an affectionate homage) is looking for new stars
(that are “B-A-Double D-Bad”) and so heads to that logical place to scout
for new talent…the local strip club. Lisa (Heroine!) is wrestling men in a
ring of cream and when the guy gets fresh she nails him in the balls! Tough!
Dave approaches her in the shower and gets a bottle of shampoo thrown at him
but leaves his card…and it’s for the big tryout! MEANWHILE Pam is at the
mercy of her mulleted Latino louse of a boyfriend and begging for her life
when he offers her a chance to escape with a package or some such gubbins.
She uses the package money to fund her trip to the big tryout!
MEANWHILE…well the third woman in this latter day trio of terror doesn’t
have a backstory other than she’s Spanish and can’t speak English but it’s
her dream dammit! MEANWHILE (OK, I’ll stop doing that) at the tryouts with
Sue Sexton (Aussie! Aussie! Aussie!) and our heel Magnificent Mimi (boo!)
Lisa (yay!) humiliates a fat girl called “Big Mama” with a drop kick while
we have wonderful and realistic dialogue like “What is this, a wrestling
match or a race?” Boom and indeed Boom. Pam qualifies for the big time by
beating the hell out of a girl and making her quit REALLY LOUDLY while the
other girl with no back story is hired because she’s Spanish and it could
help the ratings! Mimi glares at Lisa, and everyone gets covered in cake and
strips off to celebrate…and that’s not a gag folks, that’s the next plot
point. If that Scott Keith guy can write a book and post 23580236570235
million tributes to wrestling cards from 20 years ago, surely I can write a
book called “What We Can Learn About Women From Wrestling”…chapter one…Girls
like stripping off and rolling around in food based substances…

God that was a tangent and a half wasn’t it?

Ah Claire, but where’s the midget? Patience…patience…Sue Sexton has to put
the girls through their paces first! So we learn how to fall and be flipped
by the hair. The girl with no back story doesn’t want to do it, and Lisa is
a pro or some such nonsense. Then they all strip off and cover each other in
cake…oh wait, that’s already happened. So this is Lo Que Siente La Mujer.
THE MIDGET! Yes a bearded midget is about to take HILARIOUS center stage and
be subjected to a vicious leg breaking during a work out with the Black
Venus that isn’t really a vicious leg breaking but our heroine is still to
green to know that and so leaps into the ring and breaks it up but everyone
gets mad with her except the midget who appreciates her kindness and
HILARIOUSLY teaches her to bend her legs like him! HILARIOUS! I haven’t been
this entertained since that episode of Buffy where the woman in the fast
food place was really killing all the employees with the big bug thing under
her wig…man I’ve slagged off Sarah Michelle Gellar a lot lately…my Buffy
discussion group will not be happy…the compassionate midget is one thing but
can Lisa cope with the BAPTISM OF BLOOD (Da Da!) in which the experienced
champ Mimi wants to end her career and avenge her growing interest in
Diamond Dave! Or is she interested in Lee Marshall? Nope, it’s Diamond Dave
she wants…Mimi smacks her in the mouth and draws blood on our heroine (boo!)
during a training session and Dave is not happy! Then everyone gets naked
and throws cake at each other…I’m just kidding…no Lisa gets naked and sleeps
with Diamond Dave in the middle of the ring…sorry, that sounded so bad…er…on
the canvas! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! People having sex on the wrestling canvas!
It’s wrong! It’s like having sex on a painting! A wrestling ring is art! So
anyway the MIDGET LIVES UNDER THE RING! HA HA HA! He heard everything! For
reasons beyond me this sub plot goes nowhere faster than your average Ja
Rule video, and so it’s simply gratuitous nudity for the sake of it, and
everyone gets naked and sings Holiday…damn you Madonna!
MEANWHILE (one more, snuck in there) on a training run our Latino louse and
his jive talking racial stereotype run into our three rookies and battle
ensues! Well the girl with no back story gets her arm broken and can’t
wrestle! Pam and Lisa then get naked and throw cake at each other…well,
actually they send off the racial stereotypes off with an armbar and a smack
in the balls…plot resolved! Yes it didn’t have much build up to it other
than that one scene at the start but all the other plot threads took up
time…like….er…look, people get naked and throw cake at each other, what more
do you want!

MEANWHILE an entirely new thread pops up out of nowhere! Lisa (now Luscious
Lisa) is apparently the Granddaughter of George Killer Kane who killed a man
with the mysterious move THE SNAP (duh duh) and thus can’t wrestle or watch
wrestling. Lisa won’t be using THE SNAP because it’s far too dangerous. Lisa
writes him a letter that moves the bald old coot to tears. I’m hoping like
hell he never got naked and threw cake at anyone. Then it’s time for Lisa
and Mimi to fight in the BAPTISM OF BLOOD! Meanwhile, Black Venus and Jan
Flame (for it is her, and read the first review I did to see my opinion of
her) beat Pam and that chick that was involved in that Steve Austin feud
with that guy who was his trainer from years ago (what? You want names? I
didn’t have no fancy English education or nothin’…and I do know their names,
I’m messing with you, for this is not some “I know a lot about wrestling so
I’m great” fancy pants column…it’s about getting naked and throwing cake
damn it!) in a pointless waste of time. The girl with no back story can’t
wrestle due to her broken arm SO WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HER INVOLVEMENT IN
THE WHOLE MOVIE? She’s the most pointless character since Marisa Tomei in
What Women Want. Mimi is concerned no-one can (barring political stroke,
sleeping with the bosses daughter, a freakish genetic disposition, sleeping
with the head booker, or the fact that you invented wrestling damn it) can
stay on top of this wrestling caper forever! Yes (and well done if you made
it this far!) the bald old coot does turn up to cheer Lisa on, but she
doesn’t see him until half way through in a No Holds Barred moment (is
reviewing No Holds Barred too obvious? Write in and let me know!) and to cut
a fanatically long story short…Lee Marshall and Diamond Dave say the
catchphrase 200 times (B-A-Double D Bad) and talk about the snap. Lisa wins
a bit, Mimi wins a lot, and then out of nowhere comes THE SNAP! MY GOD! IT’S
SO UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY…well…lame. THE SNAP involves landing on the top
rope and doing a piss poorly edited somersault whereby you fall on your arse
but the camera can’t cut away in time and rapidly edits to a close up of
Mimi getting a full on drop kick in the face that DRAWS BLOOD and knocks her
out…well the referee is out and so Mimi retains her title because she wasn’t
pinned or made to submit???? A screw job finish in a film? HOWEVER everyone
celebrates because sportsmanship is the true winner, and then they all get
naked and throw cake at each other before sleeping with Lee Marshall and
singing Frozen…damn it, Madonna again! Oh well, I like this song…so I’ll be
back in a minute.

Back now. So yeah, that’s pretty much it. A true tale of how to succeed in
wrestling…have a famous relative, sleep with the promoter, get ahead due to
looks and humiliating fatter people, and take your clothes off and get a
backstage prank played on you…er, actually, what an accurate film!
Seriously, this is a shocker…bad acting, bad midgets and a whole bunch of
plots that go nowhere…why was the Spanish woman in this film at all? What
was in the package? Was Mimi really sleeping with Diamond Dave or just
jealous of losing her position in the company? Why did the black guy on the
beach cut his own finger and suck his own blood? What happened to all the
other American Angels? Are Midgets really funny or have I missed the
premise? If a midget lives under a ring what does he use for lighting? How
come when I was telling everyone that “Secret” by Madonna was a great song
in, like, 1997, everyone bagged me out but then she was cool again and
everyone said they stuck by her in the bad times? Will this column last
longer than a day on the main page or will it be cast aside like a Spanish
female wrestler with a broken arm? Why does the opening credits feature
nothing but the bottom of Magnificent Mimi? Where do you get a sparkly green
coat anyway?

I’m confused…the only solution is to wake up my flat mate and throw cake at
her until she feels welcome. Me, I’m off to write a thesis on Madonna videos
and continue my new book, “What We Can Learn About Women From Watching
Wrestling…”

Next Week: Part Two of the Roddy Piper Movie Marathon
Or Next Week: Ed Asner linked to Wrestling shocker!