The Feminine Complex: The Power Of Hope
Posted by Claire Flynn Boyle on 02.25.2003
Tonights main event: Jesus and a fat girl v the mass bullying hordes
Tape Review #16 – The Power Of Hope
Welcome to the FEMININE Complex, the column that says listen as I speak cos I’m something as a creek.
Still can’t make out what that word is. Is it careful as a creek? Is that it?
ANYWAY, my name is Claire Flynn Boyle and I live in Australia. I write in the unheralded music section of this website, where I make it my job to promote the great and glorious T.A.T.U, and once upon a time I was employed to write video reviews in the heralded section of this website, and so I set about reviewing video tapes that had nothing to do with work rate or, point of fact, wrestling, under a banner of reviewing ANYTHING but the ladder match from Wrestlemania. I did that, plus threw in around two hundred obscure pop culture references a review. I reviewed unheralded classics such as the pirate copy of Rock Rose v Nancy, The Ultimate Warrior wrestling Phil Collins, and something about Turkey, and then some people liked it, some people hated it, a couple of hate filled message board rants appeared and then I ran out of tapes to review. Well since then hundreds of people have asked me to another one…and when I say hundreds, I mean…er…sixteen. Still sixteen e-mail requests is pretty good, so when I found this wonderful piece of Scottish religious education, who was I say to say no! I should say that, to betray my religious origins, I am Catholic (lapsed), and my years at school in Scotland found that religious education involved ANYTHING but learning about religion. Like making paper hats, or writing positive comments about the rest of the class on a piece of paper, or making a papier mache pig or something. So this tape, about a girl and her dream, should totally not surprise me.
The tape in question comes from the year of my birth, 1978. It was made by some students for a budget of one pound fifty in the grittier parts of Ayrshire (a place in Scotland). I know this because I was sort of recognising some of the places and going “skipped school there, got a pash there…” and so on. Other than that I have no idea of its origins. It begins with truly wonderful bopping disco music that was done by a talented school band which could put Chaka Khan to shame. We start the film proper with black tiles on a white background that drip with blood, and then drip with rain, and then morph around like the background of a Foo Fighters clip. One word then floats onto the screen in psychedelic yellow: HOPE. We than pan to a typical 70s interpretation of Scottish school playground life, ie. it’s raining, it’s grey and bored kids with long hair scuff their shoes and smoke cigarettes. That’s how I remember my wonderous four years at St John Ogilvie Primary School! It’s like an episode of Scottish kids TV show “Stookie”. We then pan into the conversation of our “plukey” (ie. acne riddled) students and they’ve got mischief on their minds by crikey! We pan artily across to our hero, Mags, a fat girl (once again, fat girls, which became the recurring theme!) with askew glasses and a slight apprehensive smile that fades as she gets bullied. Well I think she gets bullied because just as the pack approaches…well…instead of seeing her get bullied we see a car backfiring, some dogs eating meat and a zebra running from some lions. The next time we see our hero, she’s face down in a puddle as the sound fades out of the film and everything goes monochrome. That bit wasn’t so realistic for a Scottish school…I mean where’s the chib? Oh and her glasses are cracked. What can it all mean?
Oh the word chib? That’s Scottish for any kind of weapon that cuts a victim dear readers. I think. I can’t remember. I was never “chibbed”.
Now Mags has a dream. She wants to be a professional filmmaker! No sorry, I thought that was the dream because, well, as this is 1978 I’m not sure why she’s speaking into the camera, since a video camera wasn’t invented (I don’t think?) in a dialect drawn from Brigadoon, but she’s here to share her dream…that Jesus will help her become a professional wrestler! Gen up! Fantastic work Mags. We then fade hazily into a dream sequence where 20000 people are chanting Mags, Mags, Mags as she dives full on from the top rope to crush her enemy. Then does it again from 6 (SIX!) different camera angles. Slow motion! Fast motion! Backwards! OK, not backwards, but still! Black and white! OK we get the point! She wants to be a wrestler! Good god. Sign her up for Tough Enough and let us have a break!
Oh and then we get a shot of Neil Armstrong on the moon and Kenny Dalglish scoring a goal at soccer. What does it all MEAN?
So we cut back to her lying in the puddle. Yes, it’s still raining, and a boy is kicking a soccer ball off her stomach. See now that’s just harsh. We then meet her ultra nemesis, Sarah, the atypical blonde (albeit “plukey”) bombshell of the school, who says, and I quote, “Hey Mags, where’s your books?” and laughs hysterically. Mags books are probably upside down and on fire, but we don’t really learn where they are. Mags again dreams of flying off the top rope but this time on to Sarah. Sarah smokes a cigarette. More dreaming of that top rope moment. Close up of the cigarette. A boy rolls down a hill, thus artily contrasting the fun of his carefree existence with this poor wench. Or something. I don’t know because the puddle becomes a puddle of blood! Sarah has magical powers! Run Mags! Oh you can’t I guess. So what does it all mean?
We then have a rapid edit to a shot of Mags in a club. God the late 70s club scene in Scotland seems grim. Mags mammy is telling her to stand up for herself while supping a gin and tonic and checking out to see if any Ayrshire men look a bit like Tom Selleck. Mags isn’t listening, for her eyes are firmly on the cross around the neck of one of the dancers. She stares, and stares, and stares…and the cross EXPLODES! Wow, she has magic powers as well. Luckily, it was just a hallucination, and the dancer is able to continue the funky chicken relatively unharmed. What does it all mean?
Mags meanwhile prepares for her big showdown by taking some rosary beads and praying to Jesus to make her dream to fly come true. She says this for two minutes, before her “mammy” opens a window and shines a torch in…no; this is the light of Jesus! Scottish character actor Gerard Kelly plays Jesus in one of his earliest roles. Jesus doesn’t say much; he just sort of beckons a lot. Mags follows. He also wear a kagoule apparently. Incidentally you know its Jesus because he has Jesus sewn into the back of his kagoule. He beckons again. Silently, he beckons her into a school gym. Inside the school gym is a bunch of people gathered around a ring, dressed in Celtic and Rangers tops. I should explain that Celtic and Rangers are the two biggest football (soccer) teams in Scotland, and the good guys (the Tic) are behind Mags. I should also explain that in Scotland the Catholics support Celtic and the Protestants support Rangers, so this is a religious metaphor kids at home. Jesus is also on Mags side, so who could argue that the Hoops are on the side of right? At this point the sound comes back on and the crowd chant something that sounds like the louder squawks of Kelly Osbourne. Thanx to the power of Jesus, Sarah is out cold in the middle of the ring! You can’t make shit like this up seriously. So Mags, with Jesus on her side, fly’s like only a fat girl can, and crushes the poor girl to get the three count. I think the referee was popular Scottish character actor Andy Gray. Not sure it was a fair match with Jesus picking sides, or how many stars Sam Teeth would give it, but hey, Celtic triumphed! Mags does a lap of honour…
And then we cut back to the blood puddle. Mags picks herself up and the puddle turns back to water. It truly is a miracle. A good Catholic miracle at that heathens! The rain goes away! It truly IS a miracle! Mags picks herself up, invokes the name of our lord and saviour, sighs and heads to gym class. I sense an art filled and totally just ending coming up.
Not before a close up of a sign that says “Kilbirnie”. What can it all mean?
We head straight to our conclusion. A high school gym split into halves, with a bunch of Rangers top wearing blood baying psychopaths at one end, and Mags and Jesus in Celtic tops at the other. See we’ve always been outnumbered in the Celtic half of Glasgow. Mags looks tense as Sarah comes out of the crowd, smoking again, and saying things like “is that all ye brought Mags?” while doing that bogan laugh again. The crowd laugh. The zebra runs away. Mags turns to run away but is stopped by Jesus who simply nods a lot. Enigmatic big fucker our Jesus. Anyway, we then pan across to two sets of wall bars (a sort of ladder like structure that sicko Scottish gym teachers make you climb) that reach up to the sky (see if you can guess where this is going) and Mags climbs one set as Sarah climbs the other. Sarah stops, waves to the Rangers top wearing section, and Mags nervously climbs behind her. They meet at the top, exchange glances, and then Jesus nods and Sarah falls off, landing on a big crash mat. ECW! ECW! Sorry, reflex at someone doing something stupid in a gym. It truly is a miracle! ANYWAY Mags takes a look around, nods at Jesus and jumps off, killing Sarah with a big splash, which is juxtaposed with images of her professional wrestling days just for the really dense people who didn’t get it. And yes, she really does kill her, because Satan comes along and takes her ghostly soul off. Take that Rangers supporters! Satan is kind of weedy for the prince of Darkness. Satan is played by Scottish character actor…er…that bloke out of Rebus and the Mummy. Incidentally Satan is in red, but it’s just a Liverpool soccer top on backwards because when he turns around you can see the badge. Then Jesus and Mags walk off together, everyone in Rangers tops is suddenly wearing Celtic tops (convert and repent my brothers!) and Mags goes to heaven (or Irvine, whatever’s closer) as the word HOPE spins around the screen in a demented strobe light stylee. Then a little message comes up that reads “Mags found a New Hope. Will you?”
God sign me up for a new hope so if the alternative is a crazy fat girl jumping from 50 feet high in the air onto you…
And that’s that. Jesus Christ is a professional wrestling fan with the power to make fat girls dreams come true. Mags would later find fame as British female wrestler Klondyke Kate, and she owed all her fame to killing the school bully and squashing her in a high school gym. What a touching story of triumph. God bless the late 70s Scottish arts scene. I’m just disappointed that, being the 70s, Mags didn’t win a battle of the disco divas. This video just made me so proud to be a good little Catholic girl and re-affirmed my faith. For sure.
