Down With The Brown: Rock ‘n’ Roll Wrestling Music Television (1985)

Rock ‘n’ Roll Wrestling Music Television

Yeah, like 411’s gonna be the only ones to make a change. Since I’m never gonna be able to hear my new favorite catchphrase again, I’ve decided to rename my column such in honor of one of the most screwed over talents ever.

I only see it as karma that three weeks after D’Lo gets canned, Randy Orton, Batista, Kurt Angle, and Edge all get severely injured. Total karma.

Okay, I’ve gotta move on here. And move on I shall to today’s review.

Okay, we’re entering Clara Flynn Boyle territory with this one, but just the cover of this tape holds a very special place in my heart, and when I saw it on sale for $2.00 on half.com I just HAD to buy it.

I don’t like to talk about myself much on these, I like to just get to the matches, but I want to give you a little background on this tape. My parents were somewhat of late bloomers when it came to investing in a VCR. We rented those VCPs (video cassette players) from the local supermarket once in a while, but it wasn’t until spring 1987 that they bit the bullet. And the only thing I wanted to rent was wrestling tapes.

Now Blockbuster wasn’t around then (and I didn’t realize what an evil company they were. Don’t EVER rent from them.) so the rental choices were either this ma and pa store that had nothing or this one time chain known as Sound Warehouse. Sound Warehouse had a pretty decent collection of Coliseum stuff: The Hulkamanias, WrestleManias, Best of WWF’ 1-4, even the rare Amazing Managers tape. But they also had this tape whose cover scared me as a ten year-old. It was a tape featuring an animated drawing of an infamous photo of a bloody Dusty Rhodes hanging Superstar Billy Graham by his neck.

Now of course, there was no way my parents were letting me rent that. (BTW, for the record, Sound Warehouse (which begot Blockbuster Music which begot Wherehouse Music, all bankrupt now) had an absolutely awesome video selection. To this day I kick myself for not dubbing off a copy of Mr. Mike’s Mondo Video when I had the chance.) But now years later, I buy a used copy of this masterpiece. Let’s take a look:

This is a Rhino release, a company that had such promise in the ‘80’s but then started getting all mainstream.

Here we go:

We’re watching MTV, Mellow TeleVision and our host is Mark Gookman. He introduces an Elton Lightfoot video, and some wrestlers are waiting backstage. When Mark threatens to bump them from the show, they riot. Johnny Legend crashes the set and takes over. The credits roll and this looks to be a heavily-Memphis flavored show.

Johnny Legend welcomes us surrounded by Leatherface wearing an Indian headdress and a guy doing his best Grand Wizard tribute. Let’s roll that first video which is:

“I’m in Love with Me” by “Exotic” Adrian Street. Street was maybe one of the more famous wrestlers never to be in the WWF. Street was a small guy, so to make up for it, he pretty much dressed as fruity as humanly possible. He hired his wife as a valet, Miss Linda, and he became one of the top heels, despite his size. The video basically just shows Street lip-synching his song with a really long crotch shot at the beginning. Street is kind enough to change his face paint throughout the song.

And BTW, as if this needs to be said, this is a REALLY BAD song.

Next comes a tribute to Bruiser Brody to a song called “White Lightning.” Basically it’s Brody destroying people for two minutes, highlighted by a particularly nasty moment where Brody slams a jagged piece of table into Jerry Lawler’s face. Brody was a legend, but there’s no way he would have made it today. He was just too much his own man.

Next, “Teenage Rock ‘n’ Roll Riot” for The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express. And we get possibly the biggest laugh of the tape as the camera pans up Rick Morton to see him giving the thumbs up while looking stoned out of his gourd. Robert Gibson gives a similarly dorky gaze. Was Gibson the first teenage heartthrob to have a lazy eye? The two clasp hands with each other and I swear Morton doesn’t look he has a clue where he is.

The video continues as we head to a Memphis match where Gibson pounds away on an extremely bloody Troy Graham. While this goes on the Fabulous Ones come out and attack Jim Cornette giving him a BRUTAL SPIKE piledriver on the floor. Which back in Memphis meant instant death. The Fabs continue to beat Cornette’s semi-moving carcass until Bobby Eaton makes the save. That had little to do with the Express, but man, it was nasty.

Johnny Legend segues for us by saying “That’s why they call them The Fabulous Ones!”

“Go Fabs Go” is the Fabulous Ones song and all these songs are starting to sound the same. Most of the video shows their war with the Moondogs spliced with them posing by an abandoned cabin.

And we move on to the Fabulous Ones vs. The Road Warriors which is the same match on Lords of the Ring.

Our next video is “Rock Warriors” for “Macho Man” Randy Savage. Savage was still the next big thing in 1984, and I can’t recall any guy who soared to the top in the WWF the way Savage did. This is actually a pretty kickass montage here with Savage beatdowns interspersed with Savage giving death looks to the camera. Video obviously ends with the infamous piledriver of Rick Morton into the announce table.

Clips of Randy Savage vs. Jerry Lawler in a steel cage. Savage blows his elbowdrop from the top of the cage and while Lawler destroys Savage, Jos LeDuc interferes.

That takes us to a bloody brawl between Jos Leduc against Buzz Sawyer.

And here’s Jimmy Hart who shows how LeDuc can hold back a car with his feet, a trick every strong wrestler did back in the day. Give Ken Patera credit for at least using a truck.

And now it’s time for LeDuc’s video “I Wanna Fight.” Same old stuff highlighted by Lawler getting heaved by LeDuc into the front row. LeDuc looks like he’s going to cry at the end of it.

Moving on to the Moondogs and “Moondog Blues.” Look, I know the Moondogs were fearsome in Memphis and all, but to me they’ll always be the comedy jobbers in the WWF in 1986. It’s really hard to take them seriously after seeing them lose so much. Granted I never saw their 1992 USWA stuff which I’ve heard rivals ECW at its most hardcore. Moondogs chomp on a bone. They come out of a swamp as the song does its best to summon the ghost of Charlie Daniels. That is, if Charlie Daniels was dead. Which he might be, I don’t know.

Now we move on to Kamala. I’m guessing the budget started to run out about here as the last three videos all seem to take place in the same wooded area. Kamala manhandles Lawler and the ref in a match. Kamala doesn’t even get a song, just the match and him roaming around the woods.

Now Legend takes us back to the “weirdest and wildest matches in the human race.” Now THAT’s an intro.

Bill Dundee vs. Dutch Mantel in a No Rope Bullrope Match where Mantel whips Dundee IN THE FACE with the whip.

Bobby Eaton vs. Mad Dog in a Loser Eats Dog Food match. Eaton sporting brown hair loses the match and eats the dog food before hacking it all over Mad Dog.

Stan Hansen & Jesse Ventura vs. Austin Idol & Jerry Lawler in a Trash Can Street Fight. This one looked pretty wild as all four men fight in the stands, but we only see a scant moment.

Freebirds vs. Lawler & Idol in an Anything Goes match. Not sure how that’s much different than a Trash Can Street Fight.

And then in a major Holy Shit! moment, it’s one of the infamous Concession Stand Brawls!!!! This one pits Lawler & Dundee vs. Wayne Ferris & Latham. Ferris is better known of course as the Honky Tonk Man. All four men are bloody messes, and the clip is a bit too short.

And that’s it.

Well, except for a humorous thanks to “Jim Coronet” in the credits.

End of tape.

Clip city here, and not a particularly great one at that. It was cool to see one of the Concession Stand Brawls, and seeing vintage Savage was a plus, but this one really wasn’t one I’d rush out to get. Barely worth the $2.00 I paid honestly.

Thumbs down, not recommended, C-.

Next week, we’ll return to real matches, I promise.

-Sydney Brown