Dunn’s Countdown To WrestleMania: WrestleMania II

Wrestlemania II by J.D. Dunn April 5, 1986 The PPV is divided into three stages in three different cities — New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles. It must have been a logistical nightmare. Stage One: Live from New York, NY. Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan Saint James, wife of ex-NBC President Dick Ebersole. If the name sounds familiar, it’s because Ebersole was recently involved in a tragic plane crash in Colorado. You may know Susan from such TV fare as “McMillan and Wife” and “Kate & Allie.” (2007 Update: I will never look at Susan Saint James the same after “Family Guy.”) Ray Charles sings the National Anthem. Hey, maybe Jamie Foxx could sing it in 2005. Roddy Piper says he grew his hair out so we can tell him apart from Mr. T. He says he will never “shave his head like an Indian and paint himself black.” I don’t know about the Indian part, but he sure forgot about the latter half at Wrestlemania VI. Opening Match: Mr. Wonderful vs. Magnificent Muraco (w/Mr. Fuji). Orndorff gets slammed but kicks Muraco back and makes racist gestures toward Mr. Fuji. Btw, he’s the babyface! Muraco backs him to the corner and knees him in the gut. Orndorff comes back with a backdrop and a drop toehold into an armbar. This sets up the story of the match as Muraco can’t seem to break the hold. Muraco tries to armdrag out of it, but Orndorff hangs on to the armbar. Muraco tries to Irish Whip out of it, but Orndorff hangs on. Finally, Muraco scoops him up and Samoan Drops him to counter. They scuffle in the corner until both men tumble to the outside and brawl to a lame double-countout at 4:30. Pretty silly way to start a big show like this. 3/4* Mr. T says talkin’ ain’t his thing. He ain’t much for Jibber Jabber. Intercontinental Championship: “Macho Man” Randy Savage (w/Miss Elizabeth) vs. George “the Animal” Steele. Macho stalls to start. Lots of stalling. Lots of stalling. Animal chases him around the ring and bites Macho’s calf. Savage blindsides him as he’s getting back in the ring. Steele catches him in a choke lift and tosses him away. Steele gets distracted looking at Elizabeth, enabling Savage to jump him from behind and tie him in the ropes. Macho stomps away until the ref can untie Steele. Savage delivers a crossbody for two. He scurries under the ring and comes out on the other side, blindsiding Steele once more. Steele blocks a lariat by biting Savage’s arm. Randy grabs a bouquet of flowers and beats Steele with them. Okay. Steele bites him and takes the flowers away. He knocks Savage down with the flowers and rips the stuffing out of the turnbuckle. Savage takes a mouthful of turnbuckle stuffing and bails. Steele gives chase but gets distracted by Elizabeth again. Savage hits the ax-handle off the top and slams him back inside. Savage delivers the Elbow Drop, but Steele KICKS OUT! Oddly, that was pretty much eliminated from WWF history once Hogan did it 3 years later. Animal tosses him around but runs right into a double leg takedown. Savage scoops the legs and puts his feet on the ropes for the pin at 7:07. *1/4 “Mean” Gene Okerlund stands by in Chicago with Atlanta Falcon Bill Fralic and Big John Studd who argue over the Battle Royal. John Studd crushes a football to make his point. Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. George Wells. Jake had just jumped from Mid-South only a month or so earlier. Wells, who also received a big push in Mid-South during the early eighties, looks like a bulky version of Virgil. Wells attacks at the bell and delivers a backdrop. Jake leapfrogs over a backdrop but takes a shoulderblock as he’s gloating. Wells busts out a flying headscissors, prompting Jake to ask for a time out. Wells kneelifts him across the ring. A powerslam gets two for Wells before Jake goes to the eyes. Jake forces Wells to chase him around the ring and kneelifts him as he’s getting back in. The DDT finishes Wells at 3:04. Jake sicks Damien on Wells, who froths at the mouth much to Susan’s disgust. *1/2 Recap of the Piper and Mr. T feud. Piper crawled into the ring and challenged Mr. T to a fight. Bob Orton Jr. attacked T from behind, and a brawl ensued. Jesse Ventura asks Hulk Hogan how he thinks he can defend the title against King Kong Bundy when he still has injured ribs. Boxing Match: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (w/Joe Frazier & the Haiti Kid) vs. Mr. T (w/trainer Lou Duva & Bob Orton Jr.). Joan Rivers is your guest ring announcer. Your judges are New Jersey Net Darrell Dawkins, singer Cab Calloway and convicted-criminal G. Gordon Liddy. Herb from Burger King is your special timekeeper. Piper talks all the way through the referee’s instructions. Ten 3-minute rounds here. Not sure if the three knockdown rule is in effect. Round One: Roddy tries some jabs. Mr. T gets a few body blows in. Roddy takes a few cheapshots when the ref calls for a break. That’s pretty much the story for round one. Round Two: The ref makes Roddy wipe off the Vaseline on his head. Roddy gets in a few good shots, but they’re in the ropes. Roddy gets what looks like a low blow. T just covers up and lets Piper punch himself out. Roddy just starts hauling off with punches and knocks T down. Piper punches away at him as time expires in the round. Roddy gives him a little nudge after the bell. Round Three: Orton douses Piper’s crew with water just to be an asshole. Piper comes out of his corner with the Ali Shuffle. T swings at him clumsily but still gets him down. Piper gets knocked all the way out of the ring with a punch. Piper struggles back in and they bitchslap each other until time expires. Round Four: Piper throws his stool at T…no, I mean the stool he was sitting on. They come out throwing Haymakers at one another. Piper gets frustrated and slams Mr. T for the disqualification. The entourages get involved and separates them. Mr. T wins by DQ as the crowd boos the finish (10:15). Fairly entertaining. They should just start fixing real boxing matches…oh, wait a minute. ** Stage Two. Live from Chicago, Ill. Your hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Gene Okerlund and Cathy Lee Crosby. WWF Women’s Champion: Fabulous Moolah vs. Velvet McIntyre. Moolah jumps her at the bell and snapmares her around. McIntyre leapfrogs a backdrop and delivers a few dropkicks. She slams her and comes off with a second rope body splash. Moolah rolls out of the way and covers for the win at :59. McIntyre’s leg was on the ropes, so there’s controversy. 1/4* Flag Match: Corporal Kirschner vs. Nikolai Volkoff (w/Freddie Blassie). Kirschner made a bigger name for himself in Japan as Leatherface, but his main claim to fame is going nuts and nearly killing a Japanese fan. Here, he’s just Sergeant Slaughter’s patriotic replacement. Volkoff opens with a spin kick and throws Kirschner to the outside. Volkoff bites Kirschner’s head and rams him into the ring post. Back in, the ref gets bumped. Blassie tries to toss in the cane, but Kirschner intercepts and BLASTS Volkoff with it for the win at 1:35. 1/2* 20-Man Battle Royal. Ten NFL football players. Ten wrestlers. Your participants are Jimbo Covert, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin, Danny Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga (Haku), The Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes, Jim Brunzell, Brian Blair, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic, Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, Russ Francis, Bruno Sammartino, William “the Refrigerator” Perry and Andre the Giant. Tonga and Covert go out right away. Fralic gloats. I think Fralic could have had a great wrestling career. John Studd tosses Ernie Holmes. Andre and Studd go at it, naturally. The Harts eliminate Jim Brunzell. Spivey forearms Neidhart until Bret jumps him from behind. Tony Atlas gets thrown over. Morales and Harvey Martin eliminate each other. Ted Arcidi presses Brian Blair to the apron, but Blair gets back in. Hillbilly eliminates Arcidi. Sheik backdrops Spivey out. Blair and Hillbilly Jim are fighting on the ropes, so Sheik dumps them too. Studd dumps Fralic who is not very happy. Sammartino eliminates the Iron Sheik. The Hart Foundation double team the Refrigerator. Studd throws Bruno out. Studd and Andre pair off. Fridge shoulderblocks both members of the Hart Foundation across the ring. Studd dares Fridge to try that on him. Perry charges right into an elbow and gets eliminated. Perry offers a handshake and pulls Studd out. That leaves Andre, Bret, Neidhart and Russ Francis as the final four. The Harts double dropkick Andre into the ropes and eliminate Francis. Bret whips Neidhart into a shoulderblock on Andre. Neidhart tries the same with Bret, but Andre gets his boot up. Neidhart’s body language is great. Andre boots Neidhart over the top and slams Bret out on top of him. Okay-ish battle royal, considering half the guys aren’t even in the sport. ** Vince interviews Piper. Piper says he came for a fight, not for a tea party. Okerlund asks Jimbo Covert what he thinks of the Battle Royal. Covert thinks he was cheated because Fralic hit him from behind. Iron Sheik comes in and says wrestling is better than the football. WWF Tag Team Titles: The Dream Team (w/Johnny Valiant) vs. The British Bulldogs (w/Lou Albano & Ozzy Osbourne). SHARON!!! **Beep** Dishubua adda upta rubber bands in his beard, son of **beep** mother**beep** with the oatmeal. Two referees for this one, which Gorilla must love because he was always pressing for that. Of course, when he became president of the WWF it never happened. Davey Boy starts out with Valentine. DBS pushes him on his ass. They exchange forearms. Valentine misses an elbow drop. He comes back with a hiptoss but misses a forearm. Dynamite Kid tags in and shoulderblocks Valentine down. DK is like lightning in there. Davey comes back in. Valentine fails to reverse a suplex, and Davey Boy drops him with his own suplex. Hammer takes a breather and comes back in with some forearms. Beefcake tags in and grabs a wristlock. Davey counters to a press slam. DK gets two off a hooking clothesline. Beefcake suckers Davey Boy to the corner so Valentine can deliver a forearm off the top. Valentine suplexes him for two. DK tags in and exchanges forearms with Valentine. Dynamite wins that battle. The Bulldogs double shoulderblock Valentine for two. Dynamite gets two off a sunset flip. A backbreaker gets two more before Beefcake makes the save. Valentine gives Dynamite a piledriver for two. Dynamite catches Valentine going up and slams him off. The Bulldogs go for the press slam to a headbutt, but Valentine bails. Davey Boy gets two off a powerslam. A suplex gets two more for Davey Boy. Valentine reverses a whip and sends Davey shoulder-first into the ringpost. Davey Boy tries a backflip counter to a hammerlock, but Brutus just pushes him off and slams him on his own arm. Sick. Hammer delivers a shoulderbreaker but picks Davey Boy up at two. That’s pretty stupid. Dynamite is leaning in for the tag, so Davey Boy grabs Valentine and rams his head into Dynamite’s head, knocking his own partner off the apron. Davey covers for the win at 12:04. (It should be noted that this ending was ripped directly from a pretty famous Minnesota Wrecking Crew match in the late 1970’s. Might as well rip off the classics). ***1/2 Stage Three: From Los Angeles, Cali. Your hosts are Jesse Ventura, Elvira and Alfred Hayes. Ricky Steamboat vs. Hercules Hernandez. Hernandez attacks before the bell and beats Ricky down. Steamboat slides between Hercules’ legs and armdrags him down. He flips out of a backbreaker and armdrags Hercules back down. Hercules punches out of an overhand wristlock. Ricky comes back with a reverse elbow and suplex. Hercules catches him with a vicious clothesline and starts laying in knees to the head. Ricky thinks he’s selling a bearhug, but Hercules wants a hot shot so Ricky winds up looking a little silly. Ricky goes for a bodyslam and collapses – a spot he manages to work in every big match. Hercules reverse elbows him and drops another elbow for two. That’s about the extent of his offense at this point. Ricky makes the comeback with some chops, but Hernandez cuts him off with a clothesline. Hercules press slams Ricky down. Hercules goes up for a splash, but Ricky gets the knees up. Ricky goes up and delivers a crossbody press for the win at 7:34. Ricky could carry anyone at this point. ** Adrian Adonis (w/Jimmy Hart) vs. Uncle Elmer. Can you believe the WWF kept “Country Boy” as entrance music for over ten years. Take that “Sexy Boy!” For some reason, the WWF decided it would be a good idea to put legit tough guy Adonis in a dress. Elmer attacks him immediately, and Adonis bumps around like Mick Foley on Viagra. Elmer slingshots him back in and ties him in the ropes. They need a guy like Adonis to put over the young talent today as Elmer looks like a world-beater here. Elmer avalanches him but misses a leg drop. Adonis goes up and finishes with a splash at 3:00. Worth seeing for Adonis’ work and no other reason. * Lord Alfred interviews Hulk Hogan again. Did we really need two Hogan interviews? Terry Funk & Dory Funk Jr. (w/Jimmy Hart) vs. Tito Santana & the Junkyard Dog. Dory is going by “Hoss” here. Terry tries to save Dory from an Irish Whip, but they get whipped into one another. Funny spot to start the match. JYD dominates, slamming them at will. Terry begs off but back into the wrong corner where Tito PASTES him with a forearm to send him to the outside. Dory takes a swipe at Tito. Terry tags in and lays in some chops to Santana. Tito clotheslines him to the floor. Dory comes in, but Tito dropkicks him out. Terry spars with JYD. That goes badly for Terry, of course. Terry takes another big bump over the top as the JYD throws him out. Tito and Dory do a nice sequence, ending when Tito delivers the Flying Forearm. Terry breaks up the count. They crisscross, and Terry knees Tito in the back to take over. Jimmy Hart gets a few shots in. Terry gets a suplex for two, but Tito counters a second one. Tito and Funk collide, but Terry is close enough to the ropes to make the tag. Terry gets two off a legdrop. He misses another legdrop, and Tito starts firing away to come back.. Tito rolls away from him and gets the HOT TAG to the JYD. JYD destroys both of the Funks, backdropping Terry all the way to the floor. JYD grabs Jimmy Hart and slaps him in his grill. JYD with the small package, but Dory breaks it up. Tito runs in and locks Dory in the figure-four. As the referee tries to get Tito out, Jimmy Hart tosses the megaphone in to Terry who WALLOPS Junkyard Dog for the win at 11:43. Really good match at a normally dead spot on the card. ***1/2 Recap of King Kong Bundy and Don Muraco attacking Hogan and injuring his ribs. Long segment of Hogan trying to prove he’s ready to come back. His “doctor” says he shouldn’t be wrestling because of a herniated disc. WWF Heavyweight Title, Steel Cage Match: Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy (w/Bobby Heenan). Tommy Lasorda is your guest ring announcer. Future NYPD Blue-er Ricky Schroeder is the guest timekeeper. Robert Conrad of “Wild, Wild West” is your special guest referee. I used to live downtown! Hogan’s ribs are taped up, of course. Slugfest to start. Hogan wins that battle. He delivers the big boot, which staggers Bundy. Bundy goes for the gate, but Hogan tracks him down. Bundy gets a shot on the ribs to take over. Bundy goes for the door, but Hogan grabs his leg at the last possible second. Bundy rips Hogan’s bandages off and chokes him with it. He gets smart and ties Hogan to the ropes with his own bandage. Hogan gets untied just in time to keep Bundy from going out the door. Hogan throws him face-first into the bars. Bundy bleeds. Hogan rakes the back as Elvira begs for someone to stop the match. Hogan goes for a slam but collapses under the weight. Bundy goes for the door again, but Hogan catches him and strangles him down with the bandages. Elvira gets a good dig on Jesse, saying he’s just jealous because he doesn’t have his own cartoon. Bundy squashes Hogan with an avalanche and kills him dead with a splash. Bundy delivers another avalanche, but Hogan no-sells. A boot to the ribs. Nope. Not sold. Hogan powerslams him and delivers the leg drop. Heenan tries to keep him from climbing out, but it’s no use. Hogan scales the bars before Bundy can scurry out the door (10:18). Formula Hogan here. Hogan gives Bobby Heenan a beating after the match. *3/4

The 411: Two really good tag matches an not much else. Piper vs. Mr. T is an interesting curio, but not a big selling point. Nothing overly horrible, but I can't recommend it either. Mild recommendation to avoid.
Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]