RB Report: CHIKARA Here Comes The Internation Invaders – 1st Stage

CHIKARA Here Comes The Internation Invaders – 1st Stage
Reading, PA
August 17th, 2007

*Rahim Ali promo. He’s making his CHIKARA debut tonight. He calls himself the “Prince of Persia”. I never really got into those games.

*The Prince of Persia” Rahim Ali vs. “The Unionized Traffic Regulator” Shane Storm
Ali gets in the faces of most of the fans at ringside – there’s not many, to be honest. Shane Storm is sporting a dashing red mullet this evening. Storm busts out armdrags and a forearm sends Ali to the mat. Dropkick costs Ali to bail. Storm chases him back into the ring, but Ali stomps away when Storm rolls in. Gordbuster and he floats over into a chinlock. He throws Storm out of the ring and follows with a double axe handle off of the apron. Back in, Ali chokes away. A KENTA-esque knee gets a two-count on Storm. Storm DRILLS Ali with a DDT! Storm ducks a clothesline and hits a trifecta of running forearms. Weak cover by Storm and he gets two. REVERSE LUNGBLOWER by Ali. Another weak cover and it only gets two. Storm slams Ali onto his stomach. THAT~! JAPANESE~! MOVE~! It’s over(5:07)!

Rating: *. Fine match.

*”Sugarfoot” Alex Payne vs. Tim Donst
Payne is an ROH student. Donst is a student of the CHIKARA Wrestle Academy. Donst is THE REAL American Dream. His gimmick is that he’s a talented mat/amateur wrestler. Payne attacks Donst before the bell, hitting him with a knee off of the apron. He uppercuts him and rolls him back in. Donst takes him down. Payne fights him off and stomps at Donst. Donst gets choked in the corner and Payne argues with referee Bryce Remsburg. La Mahistral gets two on Donst. Donst takes Payne down again and locks in a front face lock. Payne again fights away and pounds on Donst. BIG chops from Donst, but Payne drop toe holds him into the corner. Running double knees sandwiches Donst in the corner. Donst ducks a punch and takes Payne down with an STO. TEST DRIVE~! Tornado DDT out of Payne gets two. Body slam by Payne and he goes to the top rope. BIG leg drop onto Donst. Payne covers, but only gets two. Donst rolls him up from out of nowhere and gets his first win(5:43)!

Rating: *1/2. Another decent little match. I’m glad that CHIKARA isn’t going the ROH route and giving EVERYONE fifteen-twenty minute matches

*USApe vs. Moscow
USApe comes out to one of Hulk Hogan’s themes. The “he’s got the red, white and blue running through his veins” one and not the “I am a real American” one. Mowcow is a COMMUNIST BOVINE~! Moscow charges from the bell, but Ape evades him. He CLUBS HIS BACK! THE FEROCIOUS POWER OF USAPE! MONKEY FLIP IS BLOCKED! CHOPS IN THE CORNER~! Moscow takes out Ape’s knee. USAPE SPLASHES MOSCOW. MONKEY FLIP! He pounds on Moscow’s head. Ape jumps onto Moscow’s back and takes him down with a sleeper. Mule kick from Moscow and an overhead belly-to-belly! Clothesline to the back of the head only gets two. MOOHAMMED COMES OUT! He watches the match and Moscow gets distracted. USApe rolls Moscow up for the win(3:07). USApe leaves the building via the back door.

Rating: I don’t know how to rate this, but it was a fun, short match. I’m a bit miffed because I was expecting a twenty-five minute mat classic, but this was still fun.

*”Superstar” Shayne Hawke vs. “The Wrestling Riddle Wrapped In An Enigma” Jigsaw
The quicker Hawke gets off my screen, the better. The guy’s just awful. I hate that he’s getting a big push in CHIKARA, taking over from the infinitely more talented Maxime Boyer as the Kings of Wrestling’s resident Canadian guy. Hawke tries way too funny. To be blunt, I hate the man. This is Jigsaw’s first CHIKARA singles match since July of 2006. Hawke refuses to start until the fans stop clapping. Lots of stalling. They eventually tie up and Hawke acts the clown. The “make you humble” joke stopped being funny two years ago. Jigsaw hits a suplex after they do some contrived and un-funny spots. High knee in the corner and a bulldog from Jigsaw. Jawbreaker from Hawke. Hawke eventually locks in a Camel Clutch after about fifty attempts. Jigsaw lifts Hawke up while in the hold and dumps him in the corner. Enziguri. Hawke blocks a superkick and goes for an STO which Jigsaw blocks and transitions into a Camel Clutch. Hawke rolls it through and gets the three-count over Jigsaw(7:07). God dammit.

Rating: DUD. Awful. Not fun at all. Have I mentioned that I hate Shayne Hawke?

*The Olsen Twins talk about losing to the Colony. They’ve went out and got themselves an insurance policy for tonight. Brodie Lee is going to SQUAAAASHH the ants!

*Brodie Lee and The Olsen Twins (Jimmy and Colin) vs. The Colony (Fire Ant, Soldier Ant and Worker Ant)
Everyone in this match is really, really awesome. Lee’s about seven foot taller than everyone else in the match. Yes, SEVEN FEET! Fire Ant and Colin Olsen start. Fireman’s carries all round! Lee sneaks in and takes Fire Ant out. Worker and Jimmy get in. Worker locks in a sleeper and Lee gets in and clubs his back. The Colony team up on Lee, but he takes all of them out and TAKES THE HEAD OFF OF SOLDIER ANT with a lariat. Colin Olsen gets in and hits a grounded lariat on Soldier. Jimmy in. CHINLOCK to Soldier Ant. Big saluting elbow sends Jimmy out of the ring. Lee quickly gets in the ring and subdues Soldier with on overhead belly-to-belly before tagging Colin back in. Leg lariat to Soldier. Lee in. BIG body slam gets two. He strikes Soldier in the corner. Colin distracts the ref while Jimmy chokes Soldier. Double-team wheelbarrow senton to Soldier gets two. Soldier Ant ducks a couple of clotheslines from Jimmy and hits a headscissors. He tags out to Fire Ant! HE’S A HOUSE ON FIRE! Whackyness ahoy. Colony bust out their AWESOME triple-teams. Lee takes them all out and finishes Worker Ant with a clothesline and LIGERBOMB(7:21)!

Rating: **. Okay match. I had higher hopes for it, but it was still decent.

*Akira Raijin vs. Claudio Castagnoli
Raijin is a rookie from AJPW. Claudio is the most money-making man in wrestling. They feel each other out to start. Lots of headlocks. Northern Lights suplex and a bridge gets two on Claudio. Claudio comes back with an uppercut and gets two. Series of uppercuts and a body slam gets two for Claudio. Vertical suplex by Claudio. He grabs the tights of Raijin and gets two. Claudio locks in a submission that works the arms, neck and abdomen of Raijin. Gut-wrench suplex gets two on Raijin. They exchange forearms and Claudio takes Raijin down with an uppercut. Raijin gets his legs caught in the ropes and Claudio stomps at it. RUDO TO THE BONE, BABY! Claudio goes to work on the leg, locking Raijin in a Boston crab on the outside. Back in. Spinning heel kick by Raijin. He shakes off the pain in his leg and charges at Claudio with a clothesline. Claudio hits his spinning sit-out facebuster and goes back to the half-crab. Claudio goes up, but Raijin stops him coming down with strikes. He goes up and drops Claudio’s face onto his knee. His head missed by about two feet, but Claudio sells it anyway. Claudio ducks a clothesline and channels Steve Blackman with a PUMP KICK! Raijin gets Claudio up on his shoulders. RUNNING DVD! Raijin signals for the end. He gets Claudio up and goes for the hammerlock DDT, but Claudio blocks and gets him up on his shoulders…ALPAMARE WATERSLIDE! ONE-TWO-TH-NO! Claudio locks in a Sharpshooter, but Raijin makes the ropes. Raijin blocks an uppercut. BACK DROP DRIVER!!! Larry Sweeney runs down and distracts the ref. Chris Hero runs down and strikes Raijin in the back of the head with a chain. Hero leaves the chain in the ring and the ref sees it. Claudio is disqualified(12:01). Claudio is not happy with Sweeney and Hero and chases them to the back.

Rating: ***. Good match, I was definitely getting into it. I also enjoyed the screwy ending with Hero and Sweeney setting up Claudio.

*”The Man That Gravity Forgot” PAC vs. Ricochet
Both of these men are insane high-flyers. Does Pac have no teeth or is he just wearing a black mouth guard? They do a fast sequence and they kinda botch the end of it. Ricochet takes him down with a shoudlerblock and they do a gymnastics display. Pac bails and I can already tell this is going to be impossible to keep up with. Ricochet misses a dive to the outside and Pac hits one of his own. Ricochet apparently has a new move called CHOCOLATE RAIN~! Some WILL stay dry and others WILL feel the pain! Vertical suplex gets two on Ricochet. Leg lariat also gets a two. Legdrop and STANDING CORKSCREW MOONSAULT on Ricochet! CRAZY! Pac misses a charge in the corner and Ricochet hits the Tiger Mask run-up-chest-backflip. Cannonball in the corner gets two. Pac flips through a German suplex, but Ricochet takes him out with a SICK backbreaker. Ricochet rallies the fans behind him. Moonsault press by Ricochet. BACK HANDSPRING CORKSCREW MOONSAULT to Pac! FLIP! MOONSAULT by Pac! Tiger Suplex gets two on Ricochet. Pac goes for an Alabama Slam, but Ricochet reverses to a CODE RED! CHOCOLATE RAIN~! The win is elementary(7:58).

Rating: **1/2. Fun stuff. I’m a mark for flippy spotfests.

*Eddie Kington is pissed that he’s still not getting a chance to wrestle Hallowicked.

*”The King of Diamonds” Eddie Kingston vs. Brute Issei
Kingston is my absolute favourite wrestler right now, he always brings the big-match feel with him, is great on the mic and is very good in the ring. He’s sporting new tights tonight. Brute is a big dude. Issei works a hammerlock to start. He takes Kingston down with a wristlock and puts him in an armbar. He gives Kingston time to get up and he slaps him. Issei is not amused and hits a snake eyes on Kingston. King takes Issei down and covers, but only gets two. They exchange chops. Northern Lights suplex gets two on Issei. Kingston catches Brute with a knee to the mid-section. Issei strikes King a couple of times and King goes to the eyes. He chops in the corner, but misses a charge and Issei splashes him. Falling clothesline by Issei. Kingston reverses a whip into the corner and hits a Yakuza kick. URANAGE! BIG lariat by Issei only manages to get two. Strikes exchanges. That was great. Issei just beats the shit out of Kingston against the ropes, but Kingston hits a roaring back elbow from out of nowhere and gets the win(6:21).

Rating: **3/4. For such a short match, this was great. Both guys beat the tar out of each other.

*Four of the eight members of the Kings of Wrestling are backstage – Mitch Rider, Chuck Taylor, Chris Hero and Larry Sweeney. They all talk crap about Lince Dorado. This promo is just great.

*The Kings of Wrestling (Mitch Rider, Chuck Taylor, Chris Hero and Larry Sweeney) vs. Lince Dorado, Equinox and Las Chivas (Chiva Dos and Chiva Tres)
They’re photo-taking, football/soccer-loving goats. The rudo team = TEH MEGA AWSUM! Equinox and Hero start. Equinox is the jobberest of all jobbers in CHIKARA. And he sucks. Lots and lots of ass. Hero throws his skinny little ass around. Equinox tries to take Hero down and takes him down with the LUCHA~! Satelite headscissors and an armdrag. Lots of armdrags and Hero goes to the floor. Chiva DOS! and Chucky T get in. Chiva puts him in some light holds and throws him across the ring with a headscissors. Chucky bails and falls over a table. AWESOME! Chiva Tres and Sweeney in. Bryce bends over and Chiva tries to mate with him. LOZL! Larry Sweeney demonstrates why he’s so darn great. Chiva slaps him and Sweeney damn near has a fit. Sweeney gets distracted by the tecnico corner. Chiva rolls him up and gets two. Sweeney kicks him in the gut only to be taken down with a headscissors and armdrag. Sit-out hiptoss into a jujigatame! Mitch Rider tags in. He HATES hoochadores and especially Lindsay Dorito! DEY TUCK ARR JARBS! Chiva drags Mitch into the tecnico corner and tags in Dorado. Mitch makes a hasty retreat and tags in Taylor. Lince controls Taylor with his lucha quickness until he botches a backflip and lands hard on his side. HAHAHAHA! Silly fake Mexican. Hurricanrana out of the corner and Chucky bails. Lince showboats and Mitch and Hero jump him. Everyone gets in the ring and it’s BONZO GONZO~! Chiva Dos hits a tope onto the Kings. Chiva Tres hits a tope con hilo. Equinox fakes everyone out and gets dropkicked by Taylor. Hero slams Equinox down hard and lands a senton. He throws him into Rider’s boot and they double-team Equinox. The rudos quadruple-team Equinox in the corner and tie his mask to the bottom rope! After taking a hell of a stomping, Hero un-ties him. He sunset flips Rider, but the Kings distract Bryce and he only manages a one-count. Mitch rubs his face into the mat. Taylor gets in. He drops an elbow over Equinox and STOMPS A MUDHOLE! Sweeney gets in and drops an elbow across Equinox’s head from the second rope. Elbow drop from the second rope and Lince breaks up the pin. Mitch in, and he takes Equinox straight down to the mat with a front facelock. Hero locks Equinox in a fancy arm submission while Chuck takes photos on the apron. Equinox hits a ‘rana out of nowhere on Hero and tags in Lince! He takes out all of those dastardly Kings of Wrestling! Taylor misses a dive at him and crotches himself in the corner. Chivas take turns dropkicking him and Sweeney and Hero accidentally dropkick him. Dorado hits a tope con hilo onto Sweeney and Hero. Double atomic drop by the Chivas on Taylor. Sweeney manages to break up the pin. Sweeney gets beaten down by the Chivas. He goes for a piledriver on Chivas Tres, but Dos breaks it up with an enziguri. Hero gets in. CRAVATE to Tres! Hero’s Welcome! He catches Lince coming off the top rope. Cravate! He spins it out into a facebuster. That gets a two-count. Lince goes up and hits a corkscrew press, but it only gets two when Mitch breaks it up. He throws Lince to the outside. Equinox and Hero are left in the ring while everyone else brawls. Hero whips Equinox off the ropes, but he hits a reverse DDT out of nowhere! Equinox locks in the CHIKARA SPECIAL~! HERO TAPS TO EQUINOX(22:53)!! Wait, Hero taps to Equinox?! Okay.

Hero and his teammates are PISSED. Mitch looks like he’s going to cry and takes it out on the cocksucking fans.

Rating: ***3/4. This was GREAT. The time just flew by. I never even realised it was so long, it felt like it was only about five minutes. When given time, these multi-man matches are always fantastic.

*Icarus and Gran Akuma are backstage. They’re just not getting along these days. It always brings a tear to me eye to see Team FIST bickering.

*CHIKARA Campeones de Parejas
Best Two out of Three Falls
Team F.I.S.T. (Gran Akuma and Icarus) (c)vs. Los Ice Creams (Ice Cream, Jr. and El Hijo Del Ice Cream)
The Campeones de Parejas are the only championship belts in CHIKARA. A team can only challenge for the titles once they have won three successive matches and all title matches are contested under 2/3 falls rules. For some reason, despite being champions, FIST make their entrances first and they’re the only guys on the show so far to actually get heat from the Reading fans. Los Ice Creams are also fake Mexicans. CHIKARA sure does love to pretend they have genuine Mexicans on their shows. Introductions are done in-ring. Icarus and Junior start. Icarus takes him down with a shoulder block and Junior PLAYS POSSUM! He rolls Icarus up and gets two. Icarus is NOT AMUSED! Icarus goes for arm submissions, but gets tickled and he bails. Hijo and Akuma in. Fans are behind Los Ice Creams. Hijo tries to play games, but that’s not Akuma’s style so he just kicks him. Hijo continues with his wildly camp mind games, even pinching Akuma on the bottom. Junior gets in and they try to double-team Akuma, but Icarus cuts it short. Junior and Icarus have some lucha exchanges. Junior busts out some wicked armdrags. Icarus bails, Akuma gets in and Junior tags out. Atomic drop has Hijo just wailing. He rubs his bottom on the turnbuckle and with Bryce’s hand. Junior takes Akuma round the ring with that rolling thing that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen Kobashi do a couple times. Akuma blocks the Assassino and Hijo gets suplexed. YOSHI TONIC by Akuma gains FIST the first fall(6:11).

Icarus attacks Hijo while he’s still on the mat. He takes him down with a dropkick and covers for a two-count. Akuma in and it’s A-CLUBBERIN’ TIME! He pounds away and teases a Dragon kick, only to lock Hijo in a sleeper. Icarus gets in and he locks Hijo in a Boston Crab. Akuma enters the ring and he kicks away at Hijo’s right leg and locks in a leglock. FIST continue with the quick tags, cutting the ring in half and working over Hijo del Ice Cream. He ducks a double clothesline and takes out both members of FIST with a clothesline. Junior is tagged in, but he’s cut off pretty quickly by Akuma. Akuma BLASTS him in the jaw with a kick and locks in a Camel Clutch. FIST do what they done with Hijo. Akuma puts him in an abdominal strech. Hijo tries to break it up, but Icarus comes off the top rope with a sunset flip, only for Hijo to roll it through. He takes out both members of FIST and Los Ice Creams roll up Akuma for the second fall(11:59)!

Akuma and Junior counter stuff in the centre of the ring until Junior hits the JACK AND JILL HAMMER! It only gets two! COLD STONE STUNNER TO AKUMA! That, too, only gets a two-count. Hijo gets in. HE NAILS THE ASSASSINO! Icarus breaks up the fall and lands a reverse suplex on Hijo. The Pedigree is blocked and a pinning combo from El Hijo only gets two. Hijo is SCOOP slammed by Junior onto Icarus. Akuma breaks up the fall and FIST double-team Junior. Hurricanrana by Akuma from the top rope and Icarus gets two from a frog splash. Akuma accidentally kicks Icarus in the chest. DOUBLE COLD STONE STUNNER to Icarus! DOUBLE PIN! ONE-TWO-TH-NO! Icarus counters a Doomsday Device and hits a Shiranui on Junior. Exploder suplex to Hijo by Akuma. He follows up with a somersault to the outside to Junior and Icarus finishes off Hijo in the centre of the ring with the Pedigree(16:36).

Rating: ***. Good, but not very exciting match. Match was waaaay too short for a 2/3 falls match and I know that both of these teams can do much better. I really enjoyed the second fall which included the beat-down of Hijo del Ice Cream and then Los Ice Creams getting the pin from out of nowhere, but the third fall was very messy and I couldn’t as into it as I would have hoped.

Next CHIKARA review: Here Comes The International Invaders – 2nd Stage!

The 411: This was a weird show. Everything leading up to the final two matches felt like total filler, and the main event itself wasn't anything special. Everything was solid, but other the eight-man tag match, there's nothing I'd want to see again. Mild recommendation if just for said eight-man tag.
Final Score:  5.5   [ Not So Good ]