RB Report: ROH Caged Rage

Posted by R.Brooksbank on 01.02.2008

So bland I can't think of a teaser! Erm, it has two cage matches?

ROH Caged Rage
24th August, 2007
Hartford, CT


*The Briscoe Brothers are backstage. Blah, blah, man up, blah, blah, blah.


*"The Dark Minion of the Underworld" Hallowicked vs. Chris Hero (w/ Larry Sweeney, Sara Del Rey and Bobby Dempsey)
Tank Toland is, sadly, missing from Chris Hero's corner. Hallowicked is a student of the CHIKARA wrestling factory, where Chris Hero is one half of the trainers along-side Mike Quackenbush. Although, it should be noted that it was not Chris Hero who trained Hallowicked, it was Quackenbush and "Reckless Youth" Tom Carter. Hero has just came off a victory versus future ROH champion Nigel McGuinness. Sweeney and Hero bullying Dempsey is pretty darn funny. They feel each other out to start until Hero busts out his goofy knee thing. Hallowicked goes to the lucha and mocks Hero. Fancy armdrags from Hallowicked. Hero rolls out of a wristlock, cartwheels twice, rolls in and out of the ring and then handsprings to the outside. FANTASTIC! He goes some squats with Dempsey until Wicked's patience runs out and hits a tope. Hero controls for a while and Hallowicked makes a brief comeback until Hero plants him with a German suplex. WEAK chops by Hero. MOONSAULT by Hero and he gets caught with a Yakuza kick. Chops. Wicked rolls him up and only gets two. Hurricanrana gets two. He misses a charge in the corner. Hero charges, but Wicked NAILS a Riodine Bomb! That only gets two. Roaring forearm sends Wicked loopy and a Hero's Welcome finishes him off(7:31).

Rating: **3/4. Really fun match. Hallowicked is a great asset to the ROH roster. I hope to see him booked more often. Hero was his usual great self here.


*Sweet 'n' Sour International - Sweeney, Hero, Dempsey and Del Rey - are backstage. This is great.


*"The Sexiest Man Alive" Rhett Titus vs. Jimmy Jacobs
This is Jacob's first match back since the knee injury he suffered in his TREMENDOUS cage match against BJ Whitmer at Supercard of Honor 2. Titus struts into a handshake and I instantly want to stab him with a rusty, piss-stained knife. His act is way too contrived. They start slow and Jacobs grabs a heel hook. MMA~! Titus distracts the ref and kicks Jimmy in the balls. Side headlock and he WRENCHES~! Trifecta of big hiptosses by Jacobs, the last one sending Titus to the floor. He goes onto the apron and gets his head driven into the turnbuckle. Springboard clothesline by Jacobs. Titus acts like a cock and Jimmy beats him down. Running dropkick by Jimmy. Jacobs drives Titus' face into the mat several times. Dropkick by Titus and I just realise that he's wearing hotpants, making me hate him even more. Titus pounds away as the fans chant "UR A HOMO LOL, WE H8 DA FAGS LMAO!" He misses a legdrop. Jacobs fires away, but Titus goes after the knee. HE'S RUDO TO THE BONE, HONEY! Jimmy traps him in a tree of woe and dropkicks him out of it. Back senton from the top rope and a guillotine choke score the tap-out win for Jimmy(7:51).

Rating: 1/2*. It was a match. It was there.


*Jimmy Jacobs wears too much eyeliner.


*"Scrap Iron" Adam Pearce (w/Shane Hagadorn) vs. BJ Whitmer vs. Delirious vs. Nigel McGuinness
Whitmer and Nigel start. They do a very over-rehearsed sequence to a stand-off. Pearce and Delirious in. They do some goofy stuff. Pearce nails a spinebuster and mocks Delirious. Pearce tags in Whitmer. Flying cross body by Delirious and he tags in Nigel. Nigel's a house on fire. Lariat. Pearce in. Lariat. Towers of London to Whitmer. That really made Pearce and Whitmer look like jobbers. Delirious hits a somersault senton to the outside onto Adam Pearce and Shane Hagadorn. German by Whitmer on Nigel and Delirious breaks up the pin-fall. Nigel with a keylock on Pearce. Delirious hits a diving hurricanrana to Whitmer and Nigel nails Pearce with another lariat. Jawbreaker lariat to Whitmer misses. There's way too much stuff going on here. Hagadorn bridges the guardrail and the apron with a table. Pearce tries to powerbomb Whitmer through it, by Delirious stops him. Nigel eats a lariat and I laugh. More chaos until Nigel hits Whitmer with the jawbreaker lariat and it's over(8:30).

Pearce attacks Delirious after the match, only for Delirious to take him out with a few lariats. Hagadorn gets in and gets taken out with a headbutt and a Panic Attack. Brent Albright runs down and dumps Delirious on his head with a half-nelson suplex. Pearce tells him to do another one and he does. Hagadorn takes out a stapler and Pearce tries to staple Delirious' mask to his face. Whitmer gets in. Pearce offers him the choice of joining him or helping Delirious. He chooses to attack Delirious. They staple Delirious. Pearce, Albright, Hagadorn and Whitmer stand triumphant in the ring. I'm gonna call them the 'Ultimate Vanilla Connection'.

Rating: *. Way too chaotic, I would've liked to see them go at least another five minutes before they all started getting in the ring and going to the near-falls. Still, this was hot and full of energy.


*The Resilience (Austin Aries, Matt Cross and Erick Stevens) vs. Pelle Primeau, Eddie Edwards and Jason Blade
If Cross or Stevens is pinned, they will be replaced with whoever pins them. If Aries is pinned, he will break up the Resilience. Davey Richards runs down and attacks Pelle, taking him out of the match. He enters himself in the match, stating that if anyone's gonna break up the Resilience, it's gonna be him.


**The Resilience (Austin Aries, Matt Cross and Erick Stevens) vs. Davey Richards, Eddie Edwards and Jason Blade
Aries tells Davey to kiss his ass. OMFG, HE MUST BE TEH GAY!!! Cross and Blade start. They bore me by doing nothing. Blade hits a couple of dropkicks that miss by about a foot. Facebuster by Cross and Richards berates Blade. Edwards gets in and goes up against the powerhouse of the Resilience, Erick Stevens. Edwards chops away and eats a shoulder tackle. Richards is mad with his jobber team-mates and tags himself in. Aries gets tagged in and they shove each other. Richards controls him until Aries grabs his leg and hits a Dragon screw. STO gets a two-count. Stevens and Cross both take turns beating Richards down. All three members take turns hitting slingshot sentons onto him. Lots of cutesy spots follow. Richards rakes the eyes and tags in Blade. Aries drives him face-first into the canvas and nails a body slam. He goes up top, but gets shoved off by Richards. Blade and Edwards double-team him and Blade hits a backbreaker for two. Richards stomps at Aries and hits a Benoit-esque clothesline. He puts him in a torture rack. NO REMORSE~! Edwards and Blade hit a double gutbuster on him and stereo dropkicks get two. Cross and Stevens distract the ref and Aries kicks Richards in the crotch and DDTs him. He tags out to Stevens. Everyone gets in. Stevens hits a back suplex on Edwards and Cross follows it with a corkscrew split-legged moonsault. Cross and Stevens get sent to the floor. Blade fakes Stevens out with a dive and Edwards hits a tope. Blade goes for a dive, but is cut short when Aries turns him inside-out with a lariat. Cross kinda botches a missile dropkick to Richards and hits a flippy-do to the outside. Back in, Stevens, Edwards and Blade do some stuff. Edwards take a BIG clothesline from Stevens. Richards and Aries go at it. There's lots of stuff going on here. Blade and Edwards double-team Aries again. He his elbows to them both. Total Elimination variation by Aries and Stevens on Edwards. Aries and Stevens bridge their shoulders with Blade and Cross hits a stomp onto him for the victory(17:12).

Rating: **1/2. There was A LOT of stuff in this match, but it was all done with no feeling or emotion whatsoever. The match didn't excite me at all.


*"The Man That Gravity Forgot" PAC vs. "American Dragon" Bryan Danielson
God damn, Pac is just EVERYWHERE these days. Danielson has a world title shot against Takeshi Morishima the very next night. Danielson looks like he's just came straight out of the shower. This should be an interesting encounter. Dragon, the ground wrestler out there to beat the crap out of you and Pac, the flippy-man. Danielson, of course, starts by taking Pac to the mat. He goes for the arms. Pac fights to a vertical base, only for Danielson to take him straight back down and try to ground him with a leglock. Pac hits a pair of swift armdrags. He sends him to the outside and fakes him out. He takes his time getting back in and dishes out kicks to Pac. European uppercut takes Pac off his feet and Danielson puts him in a surfboard. He pulls his bed back into a kind of modified Dragon sleeper. He breaks the hold and works over Pac's arm and neck with a submission. Half-crab. He wrenches it back LOTS. Pac fights out a chinlock, but eats a back elbow. Pac sweeps Dragon's legs and hits a standing corkscrew moonsault. Sunset flip gets two. Danielson goes to the floor. Pac hits a baseball slide and follows with an Asai moonsault. Back in, Pac lands a missile dropkick. He runs the ropes, but Danielson hits knee to the mid-section. Pac flips around the ring like a out-of-water fish. He goes to the top turnbuckle and gets crotched. Superplex if blocked and Danielson is thrown off. SHOOTING STAR PRESS TO A STANDING DANIELSON! German suplex gets two. He goes for a corkscrew SSP, but Danielson gets the knees up. SICK STOMPS TO THE FACE by Danielson! He locks in a triangle choke and Pac passes out(12:39).

Rating: ***. Good stuff. I would've liked to see Danielson just completely fucking up Pac's legs and seeing if Pac can wrestle a match with out doing 125921 degree flips every twelve seconds.


*ROH World Heavyweight Championship
Takeshi Morishima (c) vs. Claudio Castagnoli vs. Brent Albright
Both Claudio and Albright had title matches at the last two shows, during the Death Before Dishonor weekend. Obviously, Morishima beat them both, but in very close contests. The DVD cuts backstage to Danielson talking about him winning the title tomorrow, which I hate because it's making me miss Morishima's awesome entrance music. Cunt. I believe elimination rules are in effect. Morishima attacks his opponents before the bell and they team up against him. Morishima takes them both down with clotheslines. He attempts a double suplex, but he can't get them both up and they suplex Morishima. He goes to the outside and Claudio and Brent go at it. Claudio hits a tope from nowhere out to Morishima. Albright lands a senton to both. Back in, Albright slams Claudio and then slams Morishima on top of him. Morishima eats Claudio's boot and Claudio goes for a Ricola Bomb, but gets back dropped. Albright attempts a sunset flip on Morishima. Claudio uppercuts Morishima and he lands on Albright. GIANT SWING ON MORISHIMA! He again attempts the Ricola Bomb, but Albright puts a stop to it and Germans Morishima. Pump kick by Claudio to Albright and Morishima takes Claudio out. All three men are on the mat. Albright suplexes both opponents twice. Thesz press by Morishima gets two on Albright. Morishima dumps Albright on the top of his head from the top rope and hits a missile dropkick to Claudio. ALPAMARE WATERSLIDE ON MORISHIMA! Half-nelson suplex on Claudio by Albright. Albright covers, but Claudio's foot is on the ropes. Powerslam to Morishima only gets two. Half-nelson suplex to Morishima. Giant swing by Claudio on Albright. He attempts a Ricola Bomb on Albright, but Albright drives him into the corner. Albright attempts a superplex, but is sent to the canvas. Claudio jumps from the top rope, but gets caught in the Crowbar. He manages to roll out of it and pin Albright, eliminating him(13:15)!

Claudio and Morishima block each others signature moves. Springboard uppercut by Claudio. RICOLA F'N BOMB! IT ONLY GETS TWO! Claudio goes for a German, but Morishima falls on top of him. Double stomp. Claudio ducks a clothesline and hits a Saito suplex. Series of uppercuts connect, but Morishima hits a side slam and another double stomp. He goes to the second rope and lands another double stomp. Claudio kicks out at two. BACK DROP DRIVER! Morishima covers and it is over(15:20).

Rating: ***1/4. Good match, but there was pretty much no selling at all in the first ten minutes - someone would get dumped straight on their head and be up within seconds to deliver a big suplex to one of their opponents - and it was all cliched three-way spots. The last five or so minutes were really exciting though.


*Kevin Steen and El Generico are backstage. Steen has some words for the Briscoes. There's no way they're leaving tonight without the tag titles.


*Cage Match
Roderick Strong vs. Jack Evans
Strong is representing the No Remorse Corps of himself, Rocky Romero and Davey Richards. Evans does not yet have a posse, but promises that will change soon. I hate Jack Evans. EVERYTHING about the man annoys me. Evans gets the advantage fast and hits a moonsault body press. Strong blocks a whip and chops until Evans connects with a flying kick. Strong catches him when he goes for a double back handspring. Evans gets clubbed down to the mat. Strong puts him in a crucifix position and throws him into the cage. Evans makes an attempt at a comeback, but a forearm puts a swift end to that. Pair of backbreakers by Storm. Strong gets him up in a suplex position, holds it for a while and drives Jack into the cage before dropping him. Evans gets pressed about Strong's head and thrown into the cage. Torture rack. This is a bit slow-paced for an end-of-feud battle. They fight on the top rope and Evans gets thrown off. Strong leaps off with a stomp and gets a two-count. Strong stretches Evans out and lands him in a side slam. Strong gets crotched and Evans connects with a springboard kick. Standing corkscrew moonsault gets two. Evans gets launched into the cage and lands on his head. Fallaway slam into the cage and a big boot gets two for Roderick Strong. They go back up again and Evans takes Strong down to the mat with a reverse 'rana of sorts. He goes for the 630 splash, but Roderick follows. He gets kicks into a tree of woe and Evans hits a double knee stomp from the top of the cage! That only gets two. Again, Strong chases Evans to the top of the cage and throws him off. He follows with an elbow drop and it's all over(12:18),

Rating: **3/4. As I said, the action was a bit too methodical, but it was still an alright match. I thought they would have went a bit longer considering it's apparently going to be their last singles match together.


*ROH Tag Team Championships
Cage Match
The Briscoe Brothers (Jay and Mark) (c) vs. Kevin Steen and El Generico
These teams have been feuding for quite some time now. In fact, it's starting to feel pretty never-ending. Not that I'm complaining, most of their matches have been gold. Briscoes take ages getting into the ring and Steen eventually just dropkicks the cage door into Jay's face when he walks past it. Steen rolls Jay into the cage, but he hits a tope out of it onto him. Mark hits a standing moonsault on the outside onto Steen. He starts climbing the outside of the cage, but Steen grabs him and powerbombs him into the crowd. He throws Jay in after him. Steen climbs the cage and hits a moonsault onto the Briscoes! Jay is somehow busted open. They all brawl on the outside and it's all rather vanilla. Steen gets busted open. We're five minutes in and I wonder if they're going to actually go in the cage. As I type that, the Briscoes get in the ring with Steen. They pound away and Generico gets in. This really doesn't feel exciting at all, it's just mindless punch-kick brawling. Mark does his redneck kung-fu, but Steen ducks a kick and catapults him into the cage. Briscoes regain control and biel throw Generico into the cage. Mark hits a knee drop across Generico's head. Generico counters a powerbomb into a back drop and shows his barbaric side by trying to extract more blood from Mark's head and then rubbing it over him. They take turns chopping Jay. Steen and Jay trade right hands and Steen hits a German suplex. Briscoes double-team Generico. They hit clothesline to Steen in the corner and make Generico free-fall to the mat after launching him up in the air. Steen tosses Jay out of the cage and powerbombs Mark for two. Generico hits a Yakuza kick in the corner and Steen drops Mark's head over his knee. Jay drags Steen out. Jay presses Generico above his head and hits a drops him into a Death Valley Driver. Generico quickly regains his composure. Mark climbs the cage, but Generico runs up. He attempts the BRAINBUSTAH, but gets thrown up. Steen battles on the top of the cage with both Briscoes and falls through a table on the outside. Doomsday Device and a spike Jay Driller finish off Generico(16:25). Steen murders the Briscoes post-match.

Rating: **1/2. Most of the match was dull, but the rest of the match was perfectly acceptable, fun stuff. I've read some people saying that this match is great, so I'm very, very disappointed.


Next ROH review: Manhattan Mayhem II!

The 411: Nothing on this show was better than good, but all of it was decent and nothing was bad. I can't recommend spending your hard-earned money on it, however.

Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]