RB Report: CHIKARA Cibernetico & Robin

CHIKARA Cibernetico & Robin
September 22, 2007
Philadelphia, PA

*CHIKARA returns to the historic building formerly known as the ECW Arena for this, their fourth annual Torneo Cibernetico! The Cibernetico itself is a 8 vs. 8 tag match where each team has a “batting order”. When one wrestler bails or tags out, the next man in the batting order must come in. If more than one person from the same team is left at the end of the match, the partners must engage on combat!

*Mike Stevens vs. Brodie Lee
I’ve never heard of Stevens before. Lee is a big redneck who comes out to ‘God’s Gonna Cut You Down’ by Johnny Cash, which, by the way, is a fantastic song. Stevens is a bland, yet big, dude. Lee tries to do what gained him the advantage in his match with Tim Donst, a big boot to the face before the bell, but Stevens ducks it. He eventually gets nailed with one and Lee stretches him out. JERK! Stevens eats some punches and knees and takes an exploder. Stevens comes back with a spear. Lee reverses an Irish whip and hits another big boot. Liger bomb finishes(2:31).

Rating: DUD. Too short to get going and I’m starting to wonder if CHIKARA actually plan on doing anything with Lee rather than putting him in random matches every show.

*Daizee Haze vs. Candace LaRae
Candace is Chris Hero’s real-life girlfriend and is Human Tornado’s former valet. I’ve never seen her wrestle before. Daizee usually brings the goods, however. Nothing happens and this just feels like a sloppy WWE “divas” match. The crowd are booing the action just a mere minute in. Suplex gets two on Candace. Candace rolls Daizee up for two. She follows a jawbreaker with some weak forearms and a dropkick. Daizee hits a Northern Lights suplex and it only gets two. Candace rolls through a suplex attempt and nails a neckbreaker. That was a nice spot. She goes to the top rope and botches a missile dropkick. Daizee sits down on Candace when she goes for a sunset flip. She grabs the ropes and gets the victory(4:38).

Rating: 1/4. Well, that was uneventful.

*Ultramantis Black and Hydra are backstage. Ultramantis’ promo is almost identical to a hilarious promo that the Ultimate Warrior cut back in the 80’s when he was still called Dingo Warrior, just changing things up a bit so he’s talking about Delirious and Hallowicked. Where’s Crossbones?

*The Order of the Neo-Solar Temple (Ultramantis Black and Hydra) vs. Incoherence (Hallowicked and Delirious)
Hydra and Mantis are freakin’ OVER! It’s about time people started realising their awesomeness. Hydra is a very small and very skinny guy who thing he’s got the body of, say, Brock Lesnar. Mantis is king of the bugs and an all-round evil-doer. Hydra fails to rip his t-shirt off pre-match, so instead resorts to simply taking it off. Hydra insists on a test-of-strength. Delirious obliges and stomps on Hydra’s hand when he pushes it to the mat. Delirious works over Hydra’s hand and tags in Hallowicked. They take turns smacking Hydra’s hand off the turnbuckle and Hallowicked hits a Yakuza kick to it. Mantis tags himself in too hard on Hydra’s hand. Delirious bites Mantis’ bare foot and he and Hallowicked chop it while Mantis screams like a girl. Hydra and Delirious circle each other and Mantis attacks Delirious from behind. The man is pure evil. He pounds Delirious and rams him into the turnbuckle, putting him in a tree of woe. He whips Hydra into Delirious and Hydra dropkicks him. Hydra flexes his guns and Delirious puts him on his shoulders and slams him down. Hallowicked gets in and hits a hurricanrana and a Riodine bomb to Mantis. Hydra attacks him from behind and he and Mantis put Hallowicked in an awesome double-team submission. Delirious takes them both out and hits a Panic Attack in the corner to Mantis. Hydra slams him down, but eats Hallowicked’s foot and it is over(7:14).

Rating: **. Really fun match. Any combination of these guys in the ring together is bound to be good.

*Tim “America” Donst vs. “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush
Donst is just coming off of beatings from Eddie Kingston and Brodie Lee. His gimmick is that of a young kid who refuses to back down. Quack’s been doing pretty much nothing since he defeated Chris Hero back in May. Quack takes him down with a Judo throw and works the arm. Donst takes Quack down with a wrestling throw and Quack locks in a headscissors. He goes for a crucifix pin, but Donst blocks it by bridging. Nice. Quack busts out some lucha. Donst counters a lucha pinning combination into a side headlock. Quack blocks a clothesline and knees Donst in the head. Quack’s annoyed and viciously goes after the arms. He pounds Donst down and drops another knee across his head before stomping down on his elbow. RUDO QUACK?! Quack stretches him out with a bow-and-arrow. He again goes back to the arm and he’s just destroying Quack. Quack misses double knees in the corner and gets taken down with an STO! SWINGING NECKBREAKER! ONE-TWO-NO! A palm strike only just glances Donst and Quack plants him on his head. Donst ducks a palm strike. BACK SUPLEX! THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! Quack goes onto the apron, headbutts Donst in the chest. He goes up to the top rope and comes off with a sunset flip. It only gets two and he locks in the CHIKARA Special. Donst taps(7:39)!

Rating: ***. Very entertaining match. Donst times his brief comebacks perfectly and always have me marking out. Quack was just relentless in his beating down of the rookie Donst. It started out simply with Quack just going to the mat, but not exactly laying it in. Donst countered some of Quack’s stuff, causing him to get annoyed and just decimating his student.

*Wacky Olsen Twins promo.

*The Olsen Twins (Jimmy and Colin Olsen) vs. Cheech and Cloudy
These two teams met up in a one-night tag team tournament back in November. Jimmy and Cloudy start. They attempt to feel each other out and Cloudy nails a ‘rana. Headscissors. Cloudy goes all mid-90s Rey with the crazy-ass fantastic lucha. Cloudy gets sent to the outside. Cheech sends Jimmy to the outside with a high knee and Colin gets in. He shows some immense lucha skills that I seriously had no idea he had. This is fucking awesome already, three minutes in. Cheech and Cloudy hit some great double-team moves on Colin. Colin manages to send them both to the outside and Jimmy follows Cheech to the outside with a TOPE TORNADO DDT! This is too hard to keep up with. Olsens choke Cloudy in the ring. Ground lariat by Colin. They continue with the utterly fantastic double-teaming and Cheech takes a swinging backbreaker on the second rope, when he attempts to come on. Cloudy fools the Olsens into diving into each other, sending Jimmy to the outside. Missile dropkick to Colin. Jimmy attacks him. He gets Cloudy into a powerbomb position and just slams him backwards, face-first into the mat. Jimmy gets distracted by Cheech and Cloudy DRILLS him with a reverse ‘rana! Cheech and Colin get in. Cheech, by laws of wrestling, manages to gain the advantage over Colin. Lariat takes Jimmy out. He goes to the top rope, but Colin rolls Jimmy away. Cheech CARTWHEELS off the top rope and nails a superkick in Colin. Fisherman’s Suplex gets two because he can’t bridge due to a hurt neck. Olsens double-team him before setting their sights on Cloudy. They run into each other and Cloudy puts them in a double submission. Jimmy accidentally Colin and Colin does the same back! Neckbreaker/sit-out powerbomb combo on Cloudy. Pin attempt gets breaken up by Cheech. Cheech gets Jimmy up in a powerbomb position. Cloudy comes off with an enziguri to Jimmy and Cheech drops him across the knee. He covers and it is over! Wow. They get a standing ovation from the fans after the match

Rating: ***3/4. WILDLY amazing match. Everything was crisp and beautifully done. This match should make the Olsens stars in CHIKARA, they done a buttload of great stuff and showed that they have a ton of skill that people may not have known they have. Cheech and Cloudy were their usual great selves here.

*Kris Chambers vs. Super Xtremo
Never seen or heard of Chambers before. Xtremo was a part of the fiffth Young Lions Cup tournament. Chambers is a big muscly guy, looks to be around six foot. Xtremo is a small guy in blue tights and a blue mask. Chambers fakes him out on a handshake and kicks him in the tummy. Xtremo sends him to the outside. Chambers stalls, but Xtremo chases him back into the ring. They do some contrived crap and Xtremo gets dumped right on the tassles of his mask. The match is so interesting that Bryce Remsburg and Leonard Chikarason take time out on commentary to talk about the song ‘Umbrella’ by Rihanna. Chambers tries to put over that he’s HEEL~! Straight jack surfboard by Chambers. Xtremo gets out of it after a while and hits a tornado DDT. This match is completely emotionless, it’s like watching robots do battle in there. Chambers gets sent to the outside with a dropkick. Asai Moonsault by Xtremo. Back in, Chambers rolls through a flying body press and gets a two-count. He hits a bizarre powerbomb that I’m not even sure if it was botched or not. Chambers kicks him and Xtremo flips into a hurricanrana for the win(7:08).

Rating: 1/2*. Had a couple bright spots, but this match was completely emotionless, it was like watching robots do battle in there.

*Jigsaw says that he and Shane Storm are coming for the tag titles. He then goes on to berate Storm when he states that he’s doubtful they’re capable.

*ShaneSaw (Jigsaw and Shane Storm) vs. The Osirian Portal (“The Funky Pharoah” Amasis and Ophidian)
This is Amasis’ debut, he is TAFKA The Black Student. His gimmick is that of a dancing Egyptian. Ophidian is supposed to be a snake. Ophidian and the STORMER~! start things out for us. I’m the only person to not start pretending they hate Storm, I’m still a mark for the guy. Sure, he botches about everything he does, but it’s impossible to dislike the dude. Storm controls the rookie Ophidian until he comes back with strikes. Tiger Mask backflip in the corner and a backslide gets two. Nice pinning combination gets two. Storm drops him on his face and rolls him up for a two-count. Cartwheel into a splash gets two. He allows Jigsaw to tag in. They double-team Ophidian and Storm gets out. Jigsaw yells at Storm to pick up the pace. Amasis gets in and dances. Amasis counters some of Jigsaw’s stuff by dancing. Awesome. The similarities to Human Tornado are uncanny. Leg lariats ahoy. Osirian Portal do an amazing spot where Amasis lifts Ophidian up to Jigsaw’s face and puts him in a trance. Ophidian takes him down and tags in Amasis. Amasis hits a big powerslam, but Jigsaw manages to kick out at two. Wow, he even does the Tornado kick-dance thing. Jigsaw hits a big clothesline and gets the fans behind him. He tags in Storm. He hits a series of clotheslines to Ophidian and a BLUE THUNDAH BOMB~! Amasis breaks up the pin and dumps Storm. He gets Jigsaw up on his shoulders, but the lanky Jigsaw wriggles free and NAILS a superkick. He covers, but gets two. Jigsaw gets double-teamed. Storm gets in, but Ophidian locks him in the OPHIDIAN DEATHGRIP! Storm passes out and IT. IS. OVER(9:41). WHAT AN UPSET!

Jigsaw is freakin’ PISSED at Storm. In the back, Jigsaw tells Storm that he’s thinking of getting another tag partner.

Rating: **1/2. This was a really fun match. Amasis and Ophidian show real potential. I was surprised at the outcome of the match, too.

*Eddie Kingston has been told by his psychiatrist that he’s too shout less in his promos because it makes him tense. Excitin’.

*The Colony (Fire Ant, Soldier Ant, Worker Ant) vs. BLKOUT (Eddie Kingston, Joker, Sabian)
These teams had a genuine MOTYC back in March at Time Will Prove Everything, the only difference being that Hallowicked was teaming with the Colony and Ruckus was with BLKOUT. The two stables have been feuding ever since and Kingston has been feuding with Hallowicked. BLKOUT come out full of business. Colony are no-nonsense and rush the ring. Big brawl. The Ants control with their superior speed, but the power of BLKOUT very quickly takes over. Sabian fakes an injury so that Worker backs off and he eats a lariat from Joker. Great double-team work by Joker and Sabian. Order is restored. All three drop elbows in Worker Ant. King slaps Worker around and gets in the faces of Fire and Soldier. He misses a Yakuza kick and Worker hits a weak enziguri. Fire Ant gets the HOT tag, but gets stopped by Joker. The crowd is completely, utterly dead. Joker tries to rip of Fire Ant’s mask and drops a knee over his head. Sabian gets tagged in and locks in an abdominal stretch. Kingston gets in and stomps Fire Ant. He lets him get up and sends him back down to the mat with punches and slaps. Joker and Kingston take turns chopping him. Joker hits an atomic drop and Kingston clotheslines him. Joker swings him round and Sabian stops it by dropkicking Fire Ant in the head. The BLKOUT continue to cut the ring in half and isolate Fire Ant for a long while. Fire Ant gains a second wind and dives towards his corner, tagging in Soldier Ant. Soldier dumps Kingston and Joker. German to Sabian! Worker and Soldier toss Fire over the top rope and onto BLKOUT! I ALWAYS mark out for that spot. Joker murders them all in the ring and Sabian and Kingston continue the UTTER DESTRUCTION AND DEATH of Fire Ant! The Ants gets squashed! Sabian gets a near-fall on Soldier Ant. Kingston gets isolated by the Colony! They all hit dives onto him! Kingston bails and Sabian takes dropkicks from all three. WICKED AWESOME! Joker is triple-teamed and Fire Ant DROPS HIM ON HIS DOME FOR THE WIN(13:30)!

Rating: ***1/2. Absolutely great six-man match. The fun action was just non-stop. Not quite upto par with their match earlier in the year – which is probably in my top five for the entire year – but this was still a great end to the feud. Even the dead crowd couldn’t stop me from enjoying the heck outta this one!

*The Kings of Wrestling, led by Mitch Ryder. Leonard Chikarason gave them all a lot of money to take part in the match tonight. Chris Hero is upset and confused that he wasn’t given any. Claudio Castagnoli just walks away laughing when asked what he bought with his money.

*Uh-oh, it’s Steve the Turtle Weiner. He explains the rules of the Cibernetico. There can be just one winner and there is a batting order where only one man can be on the apron at a time for his team and he is the only man eligible to enter the ring next. This guy is fucking ridiculous.

*Torneo Cibernetico
The Kings of Wrestling (Chuck Taylor, Larry Sweeney, Icarus, Gran Akuma, Shane Hawke, Chris Hero, Claudio Castagnoli, Mitch Ryder) vs. Lince Dorado, Chiva III, El Hijo del Ice Cream, Chiva IV, Ice Cream, Jr., Equinox, Magno and Incognito
The order that I’ve written their names is also the batting order for the match. I’m very sure that not one of the guys on the “Mexican” team were born in Mexico and at least five of them are just white. I’m not sure about Lince’s origins, but I do know that he is not Mexican. This is Magno and Incognito’s debuts in CHIKARA. They’re the real Hispanic fellows. Taylor and The Dorito start. These two have met before, Taylor defeated Dorado to win the Rey De Voladares tournament back in May. Lince controls with lucha, but his skills are still way too slow and shaky. Taylor and Dorado get out and Sweeney and Chiva III get in. Sweeney gets his ass kicked around the ring and gets sent to the outside with a kick. Icarus gets in and Chiva tags out to Ice Cream, Jr. They slowly feel each other out and Icarus takes it to the mat. Icarus gets armdragged and takes a diving headbutt. Junior blows him a kiss and Icarus bails, terrified. Chiva IV and Akuma in. Akuma quickly gets taken down and Chiva nails a somersault legdrop. High knees in the corner follow and he throws Akuma to the outside. He fakes him out on a dive. El Hijo del Ice Cream and Shayne Hawke in. I HATE SHAYNE HAWKE! GET OFF OF MY DVDS, HAWKE! As usual, he tries hard to be funny. Thankfully, he quickly tags out to Hero. Equinox gets in. Equinox, the biggest jobber in CHIKARA managed to pin Hero at the last show. Hero, obviously, controls. Equinox legsweeps him to the outside and Equinox follows with a tope armdrag. IS NICE! Claudio and Magno in. Magno actually comes into the ring with a double-jump moonsault, and I like him already. Magno is a surprisingly large dude, about the same size of Claudio. LIGHTNING QUICK LUCHA! STAND-OFF! AWESOME! Incognito and Ryder in. Ryder blocks a dropkick, but misses an elbow drop and eats a dropkick. He dives into the sanctuary of his corner and tags in Taylor. Dorado back in. Taylor goes for a moonsault body block, but Dorado evades. Taylor nails a BEAUTIFUL dropkick and follows with dragon kicks to the back of Dorado. Elbow drop gets two. Sweeney gets tagged in and stomps Dorado into the mat. Chiva III gets tagged in. Sweeney BRINGS THE STRAPS DOWN! Chiva botches a headscissors and Sweeney slams him to the mat. Sweeney sends him to the outside and Icarus and Junior are in together again. COME ON, mix it up a little! Lucha from Junior. Icarus gets his rear pinched and he goes to the outside. Akuma and Chiva IV in. Chiva gets controlled by Akuma. Akuma gets sent to the outside and pulls Chiva out with him. Hijo and Hawke back in. They do some nice stuff and Hawke gets destroyed with a backbreaker. He bails to the outside. Hero and Equinox in. Standing moonsault on Hero gets two. Equinox goes for a standing SSP, but Hero COUNTERS IT WITH A CRAVATE! HERO’S WELCOME! Hero gets him straight back up and chops away. BIG boot to the face in the corner to Equinox. Equinox hits a running forearm and hits an armdrag. Hero powerbombs him HARD and he is pinned for the three, eliminating him(17:41)!

Hero tries to pull Equinox’s mask off, but Magno puts a swift end to that. Magno brings the AWESOME again. Hurricanrana and a dropkick sends Hero to the outside. TWISTING PLANCHA! Incognito and Claudio get in. Claudio misses a splash in the corner and Incognito shows that he, too, is awesome. He tags Lince in and Claudio tags out to Lince. This match came about as a result of the feud that Dorado and Ryder have been having recently. Ryder hates that these Mexican “hoochadores” are coming to America and taking American’s jobs. Ryder pounds him down and tags out to Taylor. Lince quickly hits an armdrag and tags in Chiva III, who enters the ring with a slingshot senton to Taylor. He runs the ropes, but Chuck lands an overhead belly-to-belly. Sweeney comes in and stomps Chiva down. He goes to the top rope after a gut-wrench suplex and gets a two-count. Icarus in. He kicks him a few times and grates his foot into Chiva’s face. Fisherman’s suplex gets two. Akuma gets tagged in. He chokes Chiva and takes him to the mat with a pinning combination, getting a one-count. Chiva slaps Akuma and lands a headscissors. Chiva goes to the top rope, but Akuma follows and hits a spider exploder. He follows with a moonsault and Chiva III is eliminated, making it 8-6 for the rudo side(24:51)! Ice Cream, Jr. gets in. He gains the advantage over Akuma with his speed and sends him to the outside. He dives onto him from the apron and Chiva IV and Hawke get in. Hawke gets RAMMED~! Hero and El Hijo del Ice Cream in. Hero slams him down and hits a senton, followed by a somersault senton, which gets a two-count. Hero does some show-boating, but Hijo takes him down. Magno gets tagged in and comes in with a springboard hurricanrana to Hero. He quickly gets KTFO by a roaring forearm. Hero covers, but gets two. Magno hits an AWESOME springboard ‘rana and Claudio gets in. Claudio shoves Hero. DISSENTION~! Surfboard to Magno. Armdrag and enziguri by Magno. Incognito gets tagged in and Incognito launches Magno into a dropkick onto Claudio. Magno puts Claudio on the top rope and launches Incognito up into a hurricanrana off the top rope. FANTASTIC~! Gory Special by Incognito. Claudio lands a sunset flip and gets two. Dropkick sends Claudio to the outside. Ryder is in quick and hits a clothesline. He teases a kick to the groin, but instead kicks him on the chest. Hero and Claudio are arguing on the outside. Bitches. Ryder is pounding Incognito down. Taylor comes in with a missile dropkick to Incognito. Sweeney in. Incognito rolls him up and he is gone(33:04).

Icarus comes in with a hurricanrana. Dorado gets tagged in and he hits a springboard back elbow to Icarus. Icarus gets sent out to the rudo side of the ring and Lince hits a tope out to all of them. Chiva III and Ice Cream, Jr get in and hit stereo tope con hilos to the rudos. Akuma and Hijo del Ice Cream are in. Final cut by Akuma and he rolls Hijo up, getting the three-count and eliminating him(34:43). Magno in. He and Akuma battle on the top rope and Magno NAILS a solo Spanish Fly and the winner of the 2005 Cibernetico is OUTTA THERE(35:30)! Hawke in. He gets double-teammed by Magno and Incognito. Magno’s botching lots now. Dorado gets in, but takes an RKO! RKO! RKO! Hero gets tagged in and a Yakuza kick lays Dorado out. Atomic drop and Hero tags Claudio in with a hard slap. Giant swing by Claudio to Dorado. This lasts for a long time and Dorado is eventually just thrown across the ring. Slam gets two. Ryder gets in and unloads on several big right hooks to Dorado. He tries to pull of Dorado’s mask. EVERYONE gets in the ring and the rudos launch Dorado into the sky and let him free-fall. Taylor stays in and hits a moonsault for two. Taylor distracts the ref and Hero and Ryder attack Dorado. Icarus in. Single-leg dropkick by Dorado and an enziguri. He tags out to Ice Cream, Jr. Butt bumps to Icarus. Icarus gets himself into a wheelbarrow, but Junior just drops him right onto his head and pins him(45:40)! Hawke gets in. Junior blocks the Tomahawke and hits the COLD STONE STUNNER~! He covers, 1-2-NO! Hawke rolls Junior up, grabs the ropes, and eliminates him(43:40). Chiva gets in. He nails a neckbreaker and goes to the top rope. He misses a BIG tuck moonsault and Hawke plants him with the Tomahawke, eliminating him(44:25). It is now 5-3 for the rudos. Magno gets in. He blocks the Tomahawke and a brainbuster finishes Hawke(44:45)! Hero gets in and stomps the crap out of Magno. Claudio refuses to let Hero tag him in and Magno rolls Hero up, but only gets two. HERO’S WELCOME! 1-2-3(45:46)! Magno’s out. Incognito gets in, but Claudio comes off the top rope with a high cross body. Moonsault by Incognito gets two. Incognito almost breaks his neck botching a hurricanrana. Claudio and Incognito go to the outside. Ryder and Dorado in. NECKBREAKER by Ryder! Dorado manages to slam Ryder and lands a senton. Chuck gets in. SOLE FOOD~! He goes for the AWFUL WAFFLE, but Dorado counters to a Victory Roll and Chuck’s out(48:26)! No Awful Waffle makes me a saaaad panda, :-(.

Hero throws Dorado across the ring with a release German. Big hurricanrana o nly gets two on Hero and Incognito is tagged in. He hits a missile dropkick that sends Hero to the outside. Claudio in. EUROPEAN UPPERCUT! Incognito is eliminated! Lince Dorado is now on his own against Chris Hero, Claudio Castagnoli and Mitch Ryder! Dorado tries to go for a crossbody, but Claudio catches him with a big backbreaker! Ryder gets in and tells Claudio to get out. Ryder gets out and Hero is in. Claudio allows Dorado to dropkick Hero and Hero punches him. Ryder lays Dorado out with a piledriver, covers him and HE. IS. OUT(50:48)! The entire tecnico team has been eliminated. The men remaining on the rudo team must now do battle! Ryder and Hero celebrate in the ring. Claudio hits a pump kick to Hero. RICOOOOLLLLAAAA BOMB! CHIKARA FUCKIN’ SPECIAL~! HERO TAPS(51:37)!!! Ryder attacks Claudio from behind and rolls him up. Claudio reverses the piledriver and nails another RICOLA for the victory(52:06)! Claudio Castagnoli is the winner of the 2007 Cibernetico!

Rating: ***3/4. A lot was botched and there was some not-so-great moments, but I’m starting to think it’s impossible to have a weak Cibernetico. They’re all super-fun and the stories throughout are great. The excitement in the last fifteen or so minutes was just fantastic. This ranks behind the 2005(****1/2) and the 2006(****) Ciberneticos for me.

Please send feedback – good or bad – to [email protected] . Thank you.

The 411: Another great show from CHIKARA. The Cibernetico and Olsens-Up In Smoke match were FANTASTIC and then you have the Colony-BLKOUT match which was a great cap to the feud. Recommended show.
Final Score:  7.5   [ Good ]