Dark Pegasus Video Review: The Best of Raw 15th Anniversary Edition (2002-2008) Disc Three

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 01.01.2008

The Brand Extension and the Cena era! Plus...LIVE SEX CELEBRATIONS~!

The Best of Raw 15th Anniversary DVD — (2003-2008)
by J.D. Dunn

Mucho recyclo, que thxo byo!

Your host is Todd Grisham.

The Rock Concert (03.24.03): Rock tried to go heel in 2003, with mixed results. He gets some cheap heat by insulting the Sacramento Kings and changing the lyrics of several songs to describe how he's going to kick Austin's ass. The Hurricane, who was having a mini-feud with the Rock, drives down in Austin's truck. Security drags him off, leaving the Rock unattended. Austin is in the back of the truck, of course, which leads to a big-ass beatdown on the Rock. Austin smashes Rock's autographed Willie Nelson guitar.

Kane Unmasks (06.23.03): Kane agreed to put his mask on the line in exchange for a title shot against Triple H. Hunter won, of course, forcing Kane to unmask. Evolution attacks, but Kane's partner Rob Van Dam makes the save. Kane unmasks and **GASP** it's Festus! Actually, he does look a lot like Festus, but it's the Kane we've come to know and be bored by. I know he can't go back to the mask because that would be stupid, but he could at least go back to the old wardrobe.

Musical Chairs with Eugene (07.05.04): Eugene got to be General Manager for a night, so he declared that the winner of a game of musical chairs would earn a title shot. Your participants are Stacy Kiebler, Jerry Lawler, Tajiri, Chris Jericho, Coachman, and Tomko. Tajiri is the odd man out on the first go-round. Coach mocks him, so Tajiri gives him the green mist. Coach can't see, so he loses the second round. Lawler gets eliminated, even though he was sitting Stacy's lap. That makes him a winner in my book. Around this time, Flair starts strutting and flirting with Stacy. Ha ha! Glorious. Even Tomko can't remain stoic. Flair shoves Stacy down and takes her chair. Flair gets so into his strutting that he loses the next round. That brings it to hometown boy Y2J and Tomko. Jericho pulls the chair out of the way and hits Tomko with it. He sits down to earn a title shot.

Evolution Beats Up Randy Orton (08.16.04): After the Benoit/Orton match, Batista hoists Orton on his shoulders and parades him around the ring. Triple H gives him the "thumbs up." PSYCHE! It melts into a "thumbs down." HOLY SHIT! Orton realizes too late what's happening. Batista Electric Chair Drops Orton!!! Triple H knocks Orton's teeth down his throat and kicks him for mumbling. Evolution does the big beatdown on Orton and kicks him out of the group. Triple H Pedigrees him and poses with his belt. I still maintain that this was a great babyface turn, but Orton flubbed his run with "the ape promo."

Are You Ready for Some Wrestling?! (11.22.04): Hilarious cold open sees a semi-nude Trish Stratus trying to satiate her sweet tooth with the smooth taste of dark chocolate in the form of Terrell Owens uh…Shelton Benjamin. Vince McMahon interrupts and says it will rip apart the fabric of society if a black man and a hot Canadian chick get together. Benjamin tells him he needs to lighten up. Trish has to settle for making out with Vince McMahon, except her nose guard gets in the way. Well, I guess it hasn't aged all that well, but it was funny at the time.

Batista Turns on Triple H (02.21.05): The contract signing is your main event. Each GM brings a contract out with them. It occurs to me that Batista should just sign both of them and have double indemnity. Bischoff tries to sell the stability angle and says that he'd be facing a superior opponent. Teddy Long says that if Batista went to Smackdown, he'd be able to face off with new talent. Triple H throws out the possibility of Evolution holding TWO world titles. He references the Horsemen and DX missing their opportunities. Batista says he's known what he was going to do for a long time. He throws down the Raw contract and gives Hunter a thumbs up…oh, it melts into a thumbs down TO ONE OF THE BIGGEST POPS YOU'LL EVER HEAR! Hunter gets pissed and attacks. Batista clotheslines him down, throws Flair out of the ring, and powerbombs Hunter THROUGH the table. He signs the Raw contract and tells Hunter he'll see him at WrestleMania.

Gold Rush Tournament: Shelton Benjamin vs. Shawn Michaels (05.02.05).
This has possibilities. Lots of amateur wrestling to start, which Shelton dominates. Crowd is solidly behind Michaels despite his heeling it up. Michaels surprises him with a side rolling cradle for two. Shelton clotheslines them both to the floor as we go to commercial. We come back to Shelton countering a super backdrop suplex by shifting his weight and landing on Shawn. Shawn starts to battle back, but Shelton cuts that off with a Samoan Drop. Shelton gets two off his 3/4-Nelson backbreaker. Shawn hits the flying forearm and kips up. But Shelton kips up too! They run through the sunset flip series that finished Jericho last night. Michaels ends that with a chop. Shelton gets the Stinger Splash, but Michaels counters the T-Bone with a backdrop. Sweet Chin Music! NO! Shelton ducks and goes for his own kick. Shawn catches his foot, but Shelton hits the leg whip. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Shelton puts Michaels on the top rope, but Shawn shoves him off and delivers the elbow drop! He's tuning up the band! SWEET CHIN--NO! Shelton catches it and kicks Shawn Muay Thai-like in the face. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Shelton bounds to the top rope and delivers a flying cross chop to Michaels' head. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Michaels tosses Shelton to the apron to catch a breather. Shelton measures him and springboards towards him. Shawn sees him coming! SWEET CHIN MUSIC IN MIDAIR! ONE, TWO, THREE! Shelton's offense looked incredibly awesome here with Shawn bouncing all around the ring to sell it. The ending made perfect sense too as Shawn is the veteran who outsmarted the impetuous youth. Maybe Shelton's best singles match to date. (And it still is). ****

John Cena Drafted #1 to Raw (06.06.05): This is from Jericho's Highlight Reel: Chris Jericho works in a plug for him and his band. His guest is…his guest is…his guest is…JOHN FUCKING CENA! I think it's safe to say he's over too as the crowd gives him the "Rock pop" (with a smattering of boos, just like the Rock). White guys should never try to say "herre". Jericho gives Cena some advice -- if he wants to be a music star, he should focus on that and not pleasing selfish wrestling fans. Cena says, "Want some? Come get some?" Who should answer, but Christian (w/Tyson Tomko). Christian says Cena is a fraud, just like Mark McGwire. The two bust mad rhymes on one another until a brawl erupts, and Cena clears the ring. Well, I shouldn't be surprised, especially since I called it, but I am. What's more, it actually felt like a big moment, like Jericho debuting on Raw or Scott Hall hopping the rail on Nitro. Now all they have to do is not do something stupid like trade him back like they did last year with Triple H. **crosses fingers** (And, I think it turned out quite well for Cena.)

Kane/Lita Wedding [sic] (06.20.05):
This is actually the Edge/Lita wedding. Edge, who is probably recycling his "AC to LC" wedding band, comes out first in his whipass gay Vince Neil cowboy hat. Lita comes out as the "something borrowed." Oh, wait. She's the bride. I'm sorry. After a video package, they start making out in lieu of the ceremony. Gee, that priest needs a lozenge. Gene Snitsky comes out to play Heidenreich with a little poem. He rhymed "direction" with "erection." Nice. The priest tells Edge to place the ring on Lita's finger. You don't have to tell him, he knows. This is his third one. He's a veteran. Crowd chants "boring". Damn, why didn't I think of that?! I'm going to do it at funerals too! Lita says she's proud to be the slut of the century. The priest gets to the "Speak now or forever hold your piece" part…uh "peace" and Matt Hardy's music starts up. Oh, but it was all a big joke on all of us. The priest goes on with the ceremony. Suddenly, Kane pops up from under the ring. "JESUS CHRIST!" Kane chases everyone away and destroys the little set they have erected. Huh huh…erected. He Tombstones the priest. I guess in response to the pedophilia scandals. Not quite as fun as last year's. I think it was lack of Trish. I'm going to say Billy & Chuck > Lita & Kane > Edge & Lita.

Shawn Michaels Turns on Hulk Hogan (07.04.05): We're clipped to the end of the Hogan/HBK vs. Angle/Carlito match. Hogan gets the hot tag and cleans house on Carlito. Big Boot. Angle gets backdropped over. Hogan poses for a few millennia before finishing Carlito with the legdrop. Shawn and Hogan pose for a few minutes before Shawn suddenly turns on him and nails him with the superkick to set up their Summerslam match.

Jericho is Fired (08.22.05): Bischoff put Jericho and Cena in a match in which the loser would be fired on the spot. Cena hit the FU and got the win. Jericho got the boot for 2 1/2 years. He gets dragged, kicking and screaming, out the door.

Iron Man Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Kurt Angle (10.03.05).
First Fall: Michael goes right after Kurt to start. He gets a near fall off a slam. Shawn tosses him over the top to the outside. He goes out and tosses him back in. Michaels comes off the top with a double ax-handle for two. Michaels tries a sleeper, but Angle counters to a backdrop to take over for the first time in the match. Angle gets a series of near falls and goes to a chinlock. Michaels elbows out and lays in a chop. Angle charges and gets back dropped all the way over the top. Michaels tries a baseball slide, but Angle avoids it and gives him an Angleslam on the outside. Back in, they slug it out, and Angle gives Michaels a turnbuckle powerbomb. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Michaels shoves him off the top and preps for the elbow, but Angle pops up and runs up into an Angleslam to take the first fall about 9 minutes in. Angle leads 1-0.

Second Fall: We come back from break to Michaels elbowing his way out of a chinlock. Michaels charges but drives his own shoulder into the ringpost. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Angle suplexes Shawn for two. Shawn takes a hard bump to the corner, and Angle goes for an Angleslam. Shawn rolls into a sunset flip, but Angle rolls through that into an anklelock. Shawn struggles and rolls Angle forward into a rollup for the pin at 14:51. Tied 1-1.

Third Fall: Angle jumps on Shawn early and wraps him with a bodyscissors. Ross recalls Joe Stetcher winning championships with this very hold. Shawn bites his way out. Shawn blocks a suplex, leading to a battle over a rollup. Angle rolls through again and puts Shawn in the anklelock. Shawn shoves him away, but Angle holds on. Shawn pushes away again, but Angle settles into the Anklelock scissors for the tapout at 19:50. Angle leads 2-1.

Fourth Fall: We come back from commercial to find Angle holding Michaels in a kneebar. Shawn kicks him away, but he's still staggered. Angle forces him to the corner, so Michaels starts slapping him. Michaels comes back with the flying forearm and kips up. Shawn atomic drops Angle and hits the flying elbow off the top. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! ONE, TWO, THREE! (25:16) We are tied at 2-2 with about 4 minutes left to go.

Fifth Fall: Shawn chases Angle out of the ring and chops him. Back in, Shawn takes the "Shawn Flip." Angle catches him with an Angleslam. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO!!! Shawn rolls the shoulder. A frustrated Angle fires away with punches. He goes for another Angleslam, but Shawn counters to a Tornado DDT. They nearly both get counted down, but Michaels rolls into a cover. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Angle whips Michaels to the buckle. Shawn gets his boot up to block a charge and goes to the top rope. MOONSAULT! ANGLE ROLLS THROUGH! ANKLELOCK! Shawn rolls him over, but Angle has the legs scissored. Shawn kicks his way out of it, but Angle reapplies the hold. Shawn nearly rolls Angle into the referee and then hits him with SWEET CHIN MUSIC! ONE, TWO--Time expires before the ref can count three. Shawn wants Sudden Death, but Gorilla Monsoon isn't around this time. Angle takes a walk. Shawn hugs all the legends at ringside. Not on the level of their earlier matches. It has to settle for being just another good Raw match. ***1/2

Stone Cold Stuns the McMahons (10.03.05): We're JIP to… Vince does a 180 and says he's glad to see Austin. Austin says he doesn't think Vince's clips are so funny. In fact, Austin has a few clips to show. The first is Austin hitting Vince with a bedpan and then violating him with an IV. The next is Vince pissing his pants at gunpoint. The third is Austin giving Vince a beer bath. Vince offers to make peace since they're starting over on Raw. Austin thinks about it and gives Vince a Stunner for old times' sake. Shane McMahon comes out. WU-TANG! WU-TANG! Austin doesn't bother to find out what he wants, he just gives him a Stunner and pops open a couple Stevewisers. Stephanie McMahon struts out and asks who the hell Austin thinks he is. You know, I was happy to see her until she started talking. She talks smack to him until Austin decides she's really just flirting with him. Stephanie slaps him, so Austin adopts his usual tactic -- kick a bitch in the ovaries and give her a damn Stunner. Linda McMahon comes out to scold Austin for such chaos. Although she admits that her husband is a piece of trash, she asks Stone Cold for an apology. Austin says he'll apologize since she's such a classy lady. But, he says, they should give the fans a moment to remember. He asks for a peck on the cheek, but then decides that he won't be satisfied with that -- he wants Linda to drink a damn beer. Of course, it all leads to a Stunner. I think we now know why Linda never takes the Stunner. This segment fell into the category of "kinda fun," but it was all just empty nostalgia reminding us of how fun Raw used to be.

Eric Bischoff Trial (12.05.05): Vince presides over the trial. Mick Foley is the prosecutor. Coach has the defense. Daivari, Stephanie, Boogeyman and Maria all give testimony. Maria's is the funniest… and sexiest. Vince finds him guilty of not living up to the hype and tosses him in a garbage truck. Hey, Bisch would have done the same to Vince.

Edge/Lita Live Sex Celebration (01.09.06):
Edge won the title the previous night by using his Money in the Bank shot. Here's my stream-of-consciousness recap: There are ten minutes left in the show, so I hope she doesn't want foreplay. Say, if, according to "Wedding Crashers," the tattoo on the lower back is a bull's eye, what in the hell does Lita's shoulder tattoo mean?! Edge says that no one saw it coming. He fooled us all. Except for, you know, everyone on the staff who predicted it. Edge talks about how he's smarter than everyone. Man, this guy likes to talk during sex. It'd be funny if he dumped Lita now that he's champion. He introduces his own retrospective video package. Hey, this isn't sex. It's just masturbation! Finally, after that's over, we CUE THE PORNO MUSIC! "Hi, I'm Adam. Did someone call for a pizza?" They strip down to their underwear, which does not reflect well on Edge. I WAS IN THE POOL! THERE WAS SHRINKAGE! Anal dry humping follows. Am I really recapping this?! I keep waiting for Kane to tear through the bed. They black out something, then Lita goes down on Edge (under the covers). WHOOOOOO!!! Ric Flair comes out and derides Edge for taking the easy way out. I'm surprised he didn't complain about Edge only having sex with one woman to celebrate. Flair promises to come down and show Lita how a real champion screws. Edge wallops him with a chair and gives him a Conchairto on the announce table. John Cena jumps the rail and chases Edge up the ramp. That leaves Lita alone in the ring with Cena. Oh, sure. Now they're cheering for Cena. Unfortunately, she's dressed by the time Cena yanks her off the bed and gives her the FU. A little raunchier than I normally like my basic cable, but not entirely unentertaining.

DX Impersonates Shane and Mr. McMahon (06.26.06): From the RAWtopsy: Vince McMahon Hunter Hearst Helmsley comes out to ramble incoherently about getting beat. Oh, and the XFL. Hunter brings up the "I love 'cock'" joke. FINE! RUB IT IN! **sniff** He brings up Vince's associations with NBC President Dick Ebersol, Vice President Dick Cheney, and Dick Clark. Vince apparently loves "Dicks." You see, what Triple H has done, and it's really quite clever, is use a play on words to imply that Vince is a homosexual because he loves "dicks." In this case, he's implying that Vince loves penises, not men named "Dick." I just wanted to point that out to you all. I'm not going to be fooled twice. Shane McMahon Shawn Michaels comes out to ask about the DX versus the McMahons fight. "Vince" ignores him and says he's leaving all his money to his daughter Stephanie and the virile, handsome man that knocked her up. That segues to a clip of Vince singing "Stand Back." Hey, is that Hulk Hogan displaying where Brooke got her musical talent from. If you watch closely, you can see Jake the Snake Roberts throwing down his clarinet and exclaiming, "There's no crack in there! I was lied to!" The real Vince and Shane McMahon interrupt the festivities and threaten to end DX. They even bring out The Spirit Squad to demonstrate that they have backup. Speaking of "backup," the arena sewer system is apparently having problems because Vince, Shane & Company find themselves covered in fecal matter. IT'S IN MY RACOON WOUNDS! Yes, another Family Guy joke. Sorry, but they keep being relevant to the show.

WWE Heavyweight Title, No DQ: Rob Van Dam vs. Edge (w/Lita) vs. John Cena (07.03.06).
Good thing Rob saved that spinner title. Edge tries to get Cena and Van Dam to fight each other, but they take turns jumping him instead. They toss him and play to the crowd as we go to break. When we come back, Cena tosses Edge into the stairs, and then Van Dam flies out onto Cena. Back in, Cena catches Van Dam in the FU, but he shimmies out. They do a weird sort of Power & Glory-type move where Cena lifts Edge up in a suplex and Van Dam comes off the top with a crossbody. Van Dam wins a 3-way slugfest but gets thrown to the floor. Cena hits Edge with the 5-Knuckle Shuffle and gives Edge an FU to the floor. Lita tries to interfere but takes an FU as well. Van Dam returns with the Van Daminator to Cena. The Five-Star Frogsplash misses, though. FU! Oh, but Edge runs in with a belt shot to Cena and covers RVD for the win and the title at 11:18. So, does he win the ECW Title too since the WWE Title was supposed to become the new ECW Title, or is that completely off now? If so, someone probably has to beat RVD tomorrow for the other title. Anyway, new champ and thank God they picked the most entertaining one. Edge ignores Lita while he celebrates, but then he finally picks her up and walks out with her. You know what that means! LIVE SEX NEXT WEEK, BABY! **3/4

Street Fight: Edge vs. Shawn Michaels.
Fisticuffs early, and Shawn whips Edge's bare back with his leather belt. He grabs a trashcan and knocks Edge to the floor with it. He tries a pescado, but Edge WHACKS him with the trashcan lid on the way down. We come back from commercial to find the steel steps in the ring, and a ladder leaning up against the ring. Edge wraps a chain around his fist and goes to the ribs. Michaels has been busted open (presumably by the pre-break lid shot). Edge then superplexes the ladder onto Shawn's ribs. He sets up the ladder between the two sections of the steps, but Shawn counters his powerbomb, and they slug it out. Shawn wraps the chain around Edge's face and slams it into the buckle. Edge is busted open now. Shawn slams him on the ladder and goes up. Edge recovers and teases superplexing Shawn on the ladder, but Shawn tosses him back and faceplants him on the ladder. OUCH! Shawn hits the Picture-Perfect Elbow, but Edge counters Sweet Chin Music to a sloppy Electric Chair Drop four a double KO. Edge recovers first and tries a spear, but Shawn counters to a Thesz Press. The crowd is going nuts! Shawn WALLOPS Edge with a chairshot and stands over him, but Randy Orton appears behind him and gives him the RKO. Edge crawls over and gets the win at 14:05. Orton hauls Edge up but then turns on him and tosses him over the top. Orton is about to give Shawn the Con-Chair-to, but Ric Flair runs down and makes the save with a low blow. That brings out Kenny Dykstra, which, in turn, brings out Carlito. Shawn recovers and clears them all out with Sweet Chin Music. Good, intense brawl, and the ensuing schmozz actually served it's purpose – to sell the PPV. ***1/4

Shawn Michaels Returns (10.08.07): Vince demands everyone come out and congratulate Randy Orton. But first, Orton delivers a decent promo. See, that's where his 2004 run got derailed – the Monkey Promo. You know the one I'm talking about if you've seen it. Hunter isn't there, so Vince instructs Orton to go drag him out to the ring. Instead, Shawn Michaels music hits and – HOLY SHIT! IT'S SKINNER! Oh. No, that is Shawn Michaels. Shawn storms the ring and superkicks Orton (great selljob there). Then, he stands over him gloating like a defensive lineman over Trent Green.

The 411: Despite some disappointing clipping on some of the matches, this is an exhaustive look at Raw through the ages. I would have like to have seen more stuff from the beginning like the Savage-Crush angle, or the Perfect-Doink series. Also, some years are glossed over while others get a lot of attention. Sometimes that's understandable, but no "Sid powerbombs Shawn" yet they include Shatner? It's a little Shawn-heavy. That's not a complaint, necessarily, just an observation. The matches alone are worth it, though, because some of these haven't been seen since the shows were broadcast – Owen/Bulldog, Kid/Bret, Shawn/Marty and Flair/Perfect are all fantastic matches. Sadly, He We Do Not Speak Of is nowhere to be found, so no Radicalz invasion nor the awesome HHH/Austin vs. ******/Jericho match. Still, it's another excellent disc that gives you an overview, if not a complete look at the history of the flagship show.

Solid thumbs up!.

Final Score:  8.5   [ Very Good ]