RB Report: CHIKARA Battle of Who Could Care Less

Posted by R.Brooksbank on 04.01.2008

The start of CHIKARA's end-of-season spectacular!

CHIKARA The Battle of Who Could Care Less
November 16, 2007
Reading, PA


*Not much happened angle-wise at the previous show. Jigsaw and Shane Storm's split was hinted at once again. Several months ago, Ricochet lost a loser leaves CHIKARA match to Chuck Taylor. At the previous show a man in a mask, Helios, who looked awfully familiar to Ricochet debuted and defeated Taylor for his Young Lions Cup. Claudio Castagnoli continued his streak of matches against his former Kings of Wrestling stable-mates with a victory over Larry Sweeney. And, finally, after months of tension between the two, Leonard Chikarason booked Lince Dorado and Mitch Ryder in a hair vs. mask lucha de apuesta for the last show of the year.


*Team FIST (Icarus and Gran Akuma) and The Osirian Portal (Ophidian and Amasis) vs. The Colony (Fire, Soldier and Worker Ant) and Mike Quackenbush
Icarus hits Ophidian with his slingshot into the ring, but pets him better. The Colony carry Quack into the ring. No music tonight for some reason. Wait a minute. Soldier Ant has Fire Ant's top on, Fire has Worker's top on and Worker has Soldier's top and another one of Fire's masks on. How bizarre. An even more jacked than usual Akuma starts with Soldier Ant. Akuma pounds him down, but a 'rana causes him to bail. Ophidian gets in with Quack. Quack brings the mega-awesome. Ophidian is audibly not amused. Lightning Lock by Quack. He continues to impose his will on Ophidian. He eventually manages to break free and tag in Amasis. Fire Ant in. Messy spot in the corner, but they quickly make up for it with a fantastic exchange. Icarus and Worker Ant in. Worker uses the moves of his two stable-mates. A kick to the mush from Icarus stops the sillyness and Worker is isolated by the rudos. They all take turns wearing him down. He almost manages to mount a comeback against Akuma, but Icarus stops that with a release German that dumps him right on his head. Worker manages to toss himself out of the ring and that counts as a tag. Fire Ant gets in and clears house. Quack aids him. Ophidian, Amasis and Icarus all get caught with double stomps from Quack and Fire splashes all of them. The match completely breaks down here with everyone going to the outside. Ophidian locks the cobra clutch on Fire Ant in the centre of the ring, but Fire Ant dumps him right on his noggin and covers for the victory(10:51).

Rating: **1/4. Good opener. It had good action and crazy spots, but it felt like it never got really going.


*Chuck Taylor is about to bring CHIKARMAGEDDON!


*Chuck Taylor vs. Shane Storm
Taylor plays a song on a keyboard for us that I can't hear. They start with Taylor bailing after Storm busts out his rotund lucha. Chucky puts a security guy/student in a full nelson and he sells it absolutely horrifically. Chucky gets back in, but he falls victim to Storm's forearms and a 'rana. Big armbar by Storm and he rolls through into a pinning combination. I'm surprused that Storm hasn't botched anything yet. He goes for a tope, but takes a boot to the face. Back in the ring, Storm is pounded down. SOLE FOOD! Storm rebounds from it straight away and nails a spinebuster. As Larry Sweeney said on commentary, it would make Arn Anderson VOMIT. DDT lays Storm out. Taylor whips out his invisible grenade. He tries to throw it at Storm, but Storm grabs him hand. He hits THAT JAPANESE MOVE~! Chucky manages to get his foot on the rope. Storm is caught with a dropkick and succumbs to the Awful Waffle(8:06)!

Rating: *. Nothing match. Taylor's antics don't translate well to video, and unfortunately this was one of his more antic-based matches. Storm looked good here. I know I'm in the minority, but I wouldn't mind seeing him in the main event scene again.


*Sara Del Rey vs. Portia Perez
This is Perez's first appearance in CHIKARA in well over a year. She comes out to a punk cover of the 'Cheers' theme, which is ultra-swank. We quickly establish that Del Rey is STRONG! She controls Portia on the mat. Del Rey dwarfs Perez. Sara goes all rudo with a dirty break. CONTRIVED LUCHA by Perez! Thankfully, Sara quickly stops Perez's offense with a kick to the face. Portia can't even take a snapmare. Body slam by Del Rey and a knee drop. Portia gets stretched out, but manages to counter a back suplex into a headscissors. Del Rey sits down on a sunset flip attempt. Del Rey catches Portia's leg and nails a back suplex. That only gets two. They fight over a backslide. Royal Butterfly finishes it for Del Rey(9:30).

Rating: **. Meh, had it's moments. Del Rey looked good at usual, but Portia really reminded me why I dislike women's wrestling. Everything she done was either botched or looked really awful.


*Brodie Lee loves hurting people.


*Brodie Lee vs. Passion Hasegawa
Passion is a Japanese guy. I can't remember off the top of my head what promotion he comes to us from, and I'm too lazy to do the research, so I'm afraid it's upto you! Passion wears a pink outfit. Brodie takes offence to his fruity little dance and kicks him in the mush. He chops in the corner and throws him around. Another big chop in the corner. Hasegawa fires back and hits a 619. Flying 'rana gets two. Lee nails a clothesline, hits a boot in the corner, and finishes with the Ligerbomb(3:17). Holy welts on Hasegawa's chest, Batman.

Rating: 1/2*. What can I say? The match lasted three freaking minutes. Brodie's still awesome.


*The Olsen Twins (Colin and Jimmy Olsen) vs. El Pantera and Lince Dorado
Pantera busts out the ridiculously awesome meatball lucha on the Olsens. He fakes Jimmy out on a dive. Colin and Lince go at it. They have a quick exchange, which ends with Colin bailing to the apron. Wackyness abounds. Uber-contrived spot that would take too long to describe. Stereo topes by Team Mucha Lucha. Olsens bring the awesome with their double-teaming of Dorado. They cut the ring in half, so to speak, beating down Dorado in their corner. Dorado briefly fires back after a chinlock from Colin, but is quickly taken back down with a knee to the gut. Pantera manages to get tagged in, but he is instantly stalled by a double flapjack from the Olsens. In a really weird move, Dorado gets the hot tag from Pantera after Dorado was getting beat down for five minutes and has only been out for thirty seconds. Bizarre. Simultaneously, Pantera hits a backbreaker on Colin while Lince lands a Tiger Driver on Jimmy. They both cover and it's over(9:58).

Rating: **1/4. Decent enough stuff. As I mentioned, the psychology with the hot tag at the end was really weird, but the match was solid.


*Ultramantis Black (w/ Hydra) vs. MIYAWAKI
MIYAWAKI is from the Kaientai Dojo. He gained fame in CHIKARA along with Yoshiaki Yago as a team in the 2006 edition of the Tag World Gran Prix. Typing his name in upper-case is really annoying, so from now on it's just Miyawaki. He's lost a lot of weight, he was rather rotund the last time I saw him. Why's Mantis wearing boots? They start and Miyawaki makes Mantis look like a fool early. Mantis pleads with him to not hammer away to no avail. Miyawaki runs the ropes, but with the ref's back turned, Hydra trips him, pulls him out of the ring and beats him down. The ref sees it and orders Hydra to the back. Mantis uses some rudo-like tactics to gain an advantage over Miyawaki. He looks in a deep camel clutch. He references Mister ZERO by asking for a newspaper. For those not in the know, ZERO would read the newspaper while locking his opponent in the camel clutch. Miyawaki catches Mantis from nowhere with an exploder. Mantis makes the mistake of trying to strike with Miyawaki. Miyawaki misses an elbow drop, but soon makes up for it with a big side slam. Mantis crotches him on the top rope and hits a full nelson slam. He attempts a Tiger Driver, but Miyawaki blocks and takes him down with a lariat. Miyawaki ends it suddenly with a reverse DDT(8:19).

Rating: **1/2. Good stuff, but the match still felt like it was only in it's middle section, so the finish came as a surprise.


*The simply marvellous team of Mitch Ryder, Robbie Ellis and Larry Sweeney are backstage. Ellis is a sixty-odd year-old man. They're all very excited about their match tonight, it seems. Mitch talks a lot of smack about the "Double Scoop Twins".


*Mitch Ryder, Robbie Ellis and Larry Sweeney vs. Jigsaw and Los Ice Creams (El Hijo del Ice Cream and Ice Cream, Jr.)
Words can't describe how awesome Ellis is. He gets a young lady in the front row to dance with him. Ryder and Jigsaw start things out. Mitch stalls and jaws with the fans for a long, long time. Jigsaw repeatedly messes Ryder's hair. What an asshole. Four minutes after the bell rung, Mitch attacks. He works over the arm. Jigsaw takes a complex way of getting out of an armlock. They have an exchange and Jigsaw ends it with a dropkick. Sweeney tags in and he is taken down quickly. Jigsaw and Sweeney had a very heated feud back in 2004. Wacky shenanigans abound. Hijo gets in. They have a quick little pose-off before getting started. Hijo quickly reminds me of how much I love the Ice Creams with his uber-camp antics. Sweeney bails because even he cannot handle THE GAYNESS~! Ellis and Junior in. Ellis goes to the eyes and GRINDS HIS CROTCH~! HEADSCISSORS BY ELLIS! SHIRANUI! This is a man in his sixties! Ryder and Jigsaw are back in. Jigsaw is isolated and beat up by both Ryder and Sweeney when the ref Derek Sabato's back is turned. Mitch does his pull-the-ropes-during-abdominal-stretch spot. The heels beat Jigsaw down in their corner. They do a good job of keeping Jigsaw on the ground. Mitch tries to end it with the piledriver, but Jigsaw body drops him and tags out to Hijo! Butt bumps to Mitch! Junior tagged in. He goes for the Jack 'n' Jill Hammer, but it's blocked. Wacky triple suplex by the rudos to all of the tecnicos. Robbie Ellis goes to the top rope. FROG SPLASH TO JIGSAW! It only gets two! Los Ice Creams nail the assesino on Sweeney, but it only gets two! A Mitch Ryder piledriver on Junior gets his team the victory(17:10).

Rating: ***. Wow, I never even realised the match went anywhere near that long, so they must've been doing something right. Good match, the held my attention throughout and it was always fun, but it seemed to be void of that little spark that would catapult it to the next level.


*Claudio Castagnoli and Equinox vs. Chris Hero and Shayne Hawke
This match is a continuation of Claudio and Hero's feud and the quasi-feud between Equinox and Hero. I freaking HATE Shayne Hawke. As long as he's on them, I will never fully enjoy a CHIKARA show. Claudio gets distracted by Hero and Hawke rolls him up for two. Claudio punishes him by holding him up in the air for a long time. Equinox and Hero get in. Equinox tries to get out, away from Hero, but Hero won't let him. He eventually dives out the ring. As Claudio enters, Hero quickly leaves. Hawke gets in, but he can't do much damage to the much-larger Claudio. Claudio even takes a big, fake bump off of a shoulder block. Now THAT, that was awesome. I'm YouTube-ing that shit. European Uppercut to Hawke and Equinox is tagged in. Claudio gets back in and hits the giant swing on Hawke. Equinox gets back in and they do a nice gymnastics display. Equinox sells a DDT like death. THAT is how a DDT should be sold. Hero sees that his opponent is weakened and quickly tags himself in. He beats Equinox down before tagging that ginger twat back in. They take turns striking Equinox and Hero pins him for a two-count. They each take little turns getting in the ring and beating down Equinox. Hero makes a little mistake, and Equinox takes advantage, tagging in Claudio! Unfortunately, Bryce Remsburg did not see it and forces Claudio back out of the ring. Hero stretches Equinox out in a very bizarre manner. Hawke mocks Claudio with a European uppercut to 'Nox. Claudio gets tagged in an takes out Hawke with a TKO. Giant European uppercut only gets two when Hero breaks up the fall. CRAVATE-A-PLASM BY HERO! Equinox breaks up the pin attempt. He fires off on Hero and sends him to the outside with a dropkick. Hawke goes for the Tomahawke, but it's reversed and the CHIKARA Special is almost locked in, almost for Hero to stop it before it even starts. Hawke tries hit a plancha onto Claudio, but eats uppercut. Meanwhile, Equinox rolls Hero up and AGAIN, Equinox pins Chris Hero cleanly(12:35)!

Afterwards, while Equinox is making his way to the back, Hero attacks and drags him too the ring. He hits a vicious chinbreaker variation and tries to take rip his mask off. Leonard Chikarason threatens to fire him if he doesn't stop, but Hero says he will leave CHIKARA if he Chikarason doesn't let him rip his mask off. Tomorrow, mask vs. hair.

Rating: ***1/4. Very good match. The interactions between EVERYONE were great. Hawke seemed to tone down his act and never annoyed me anywhere as much as he usually does. I'm pumped for Hero-Equinox the next night.


*Young Lions Cup
Helios (c) vs. Hydra
Unfortunately Hydra doesn't come out to 'Rehab'. He is wearing his big muscle suit, though, so all is well. Fans chant "steroids" at him. Helios "debuted" at the previous show and defeated Chuck Taylor for the cup. He is definitely NOT Ricochet. Hydra uses his FAR superior strength to take Helios to the mat. They have an exchange that really could've used an INDY STAND-OFF~! Hydra trips him and gets two. He pounds Helios into the mat barbarically. Snap mare is followed with an iron claw. Or, if you will, the KHALI VICE GRIP! Helios hits a Pele kick out of nowhere. A leg lariat and a spinning heel kick gets two. He misses a moonsault and Hydra locks in the HYRAULIC! Helios PLANTS him with a DDT. Hydra hits a chokeslam off the top rope, but Helios grabs the bottom rope when Hydra covers him. Standing SSP by Ricochet and the match is over(5:15).

Rating: **. Brief match, but decent enough.


*Eddie Kingston says his match tonight is just a prelude to the beating Hallowicked will be taking in their falls count anywhere match in two days time.


*BLKOUT (Eddie Kingston, Joker and Sabian) vs. Incoherence (Delirious and Hallowicked) and Tim Donst
Kingston is wearing facepaint! I wish Joker would wear his more often. This match is, of course, a continuation of the Kingston-Hallowicked feud. Kingston has also beat Donst twice in two great matches in previous months. Incoherence only recently won the CHIKARA tag team belts. Delirious gets NO REACTION at all to his freaking out when the bell rings. Poor guy. Sabian and Hallowicked go at it. Hallowicked shows how agile he is with some fantastic stuff. Sabian bails. Joker and Delirious in. Delirious completely owns him and he leaves to the outside. Donst and Kingston in. Donst quickly takes him to the mat and follows that with a pair of overhead belly-to-belly suplexes. He stretches him out on the mat. Kingston dishes out some slaps to Donst and tags in Joker. Each member takes turns with Donst. He almost manages to tag out while in with Joker, but fails. He gets triple-teamed. STO TO SABIAN! TAG TO DELIRIOUS! Leaping lariat to Joker and Kingston is tripped. Kingston is scared of Hallowicked.Everyone hits their finishers. EVERYONE. Even the Boogeyman runs out and hits the Boogeyslam. Donst locks Sabian in an ankle lock. Joker comes up from behind and dumps him on his head with a German suplex. Hallowicked botches the step-up 'rana. Kingston and Hallocked go at it. They counter each other's stuff. Big Yakuza to Kingston only gets two. Donst rolls Kingston up out of nowhere and gets the shock victory(17:37)!

Rating: **. Not bad. I really wasn't digging the ROH-esque final five minutes where everyone hit as many BIIG MOOVZ as humanly possible. The work, though, was solid, but didn't have much heat.

The 411: Another very average show from CHIKARA. There's lots of decent stuff here, but with no really great stuff, it makes it hard to recommend this DVD.

Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]