The Very Best of GLOW: Volume 3 DVD Review

Welcome to my review of Volume 3 of The Very Best of GLOW, a DVD series released by Big Vision Entertainment to highlight one of the most bizarre yet memorable wrestling promotions of the 1980’s. I took a look at Volume 1 here and Volume 2 here. This review has been delayed for long enough, so let’s cut the intros short and get right in to the action!

The Main Program

Roxy is told not to be a “Smart Astor.” Every time I see the opening comedy skit on one of these shows, I ask myself why I keep watching them.

Tiffany Mellon has gossip. Molotov cocktail jokes are made. Those just aren’t as funny as they were twenty years ago.

Match Numero Uno: Daisy vs. Vicky Victory

This match is announced as being part of the Run for the Rubies tournament. We saw the finals of that event on the last DVD, so I guess we’re going backwards in time a bit. The bout was originally supposed to feature Justice against Daisy, but Justice limps out to the ring on crutches and lets us all know that she was jumped before the match. Fortunately, a replacement has been lined up. After all, it would be a shame if there had to be a bye given to a competitor in a tournament as prestigious as the Run for the Rubies.

Vicky ambushes Daisy with a slingshot dropkick and lands a couple of hair beals before getting a third one off of the top rope. She then hits a move that I’ve only ever seen in GLOW and lucha, jumping in to Daisy’s arms a la bride being carried across the threshold and rolling forward in to a takedown. Victory misses a spin kick, though, and the tall girl gives her a big boot. A powerslam is next from Daze, but Vicky . . . um . . . reverses the second. It was clear that Daisy was doing all of the work to take herself over, though. Vicky continues her offense with another move from the top rope, but Daisy essentially no-sells it and headbutts Justice. Now it’s time for the giant swing, which our announcer refers to as the “Mormon swing” for god knows what reason. Victory is sent packing from the ring with a slingshot, and she’s posted after that. Justice gets in Daisy’s face, allowing Victory to land a dropkick, but it has literally no effect. Back in the ring, we’ve got a big boot and another slam, and I’m wondering why Daisy’s clothes are ripped to shreds. I guess the gimmick is that she’s so tall that she can’t find anything which fits, but then why isn’t Justice (who is billed as being the same height) also wearing tattered gear? Before I can finish my tangent, Justice hits Daisy with her crutch behind the referee’s back. It looks like Vicky is going to get the victory (pun definitely intended), but the referee’s decision is reversed within seconds of being made.

Match Thoughts: After Volume 2 provided some above average in-ring action from GLOW, we’re right back to the promotion’s typical disastrous bouts to kick off Volume 3. I think that the term “business exposing” gets overused online these days, but I honestly cannot think of a better phrase with which to describe this match. There were numerous points throughout which made it patently obvious that the women were working together as opposed to against each other, which is the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to do out there.

Match Numero Dos: Big Bad Mama & Melody T. Vixen vs. Zelda & Mountain Fiji in a losers do the winners’ laundry match

I DEMAND that TNA steal stipulation immediately. If they do, I promise I won’t say anything negative about them for a whole month. Zelda’s entrance rap is unintentionally hilarious, as she plays up her dance as though she has no rhythm but always manages to stay on beat when she’s speaking. How does that work, exactly? In an even more unintentionally hilarious pre-match moment, Mama cuts a promo about how her neighbors’ washing machine broke down, meaning that she brought their dirty clothes to the ring as well. It’s not the line that is hilarious but rather the reaction of ring announcer Johnny C., whose body language perfectly displays his vehement opposition to this flagrant violation of the rules, as the stips were supposed to be “losers do the winners’ laundry,” not “losers do the laundry of the winners AND their neighbors.”

Anyway, the match starts with women throwing sacks of clothes at each other. Zelda gets caught in a Melody full nelson, after which a top rope clothesline from the Vixen hits. Zelda was a total deer in the headlights waiting for Melody to hit that move. The nerd is beaten with a bottle of liquid detergent, and that’s one of those sentences that I never thought I would type. Mama is tagged in for the double team on Zelda, but Fiji makes the save and brawls with the voodoo queen. Powdered detergent is eventually thrown in to the big Samoan’s eyes, and apparently “losers do the laundry of the winners AND their neighbors” matches are no disqualification. Shortly thereafter, MTV secures a place in my heart as the greatest professional wrestler of all time by placing a wash basin over Fiji’s head and playing it like a bongo drum for approximately thirty minutes. Mountain eventually gets out of the situation by hitting a primitive version of the iconoclasm. (I’m sure it was this match that inspired CIMA to invent the move.) Eventually Fiji ties Vixen up in a laundry basket, while Mama sticks Zelda in to a bag. Once the women are freed by their respective partners, we’ve got a four-way brawl before the Big Bad One gets sacked and slammed by Fiji. Seconds thereafter, Zelda gets the pin on MTV with a second rope sunset flip.

Match Thoughts: FIVE MILLION STARS. This may not have been hilarious for the reasons the people who designed it intended, but it was hilarious nonetheless. Between this and Rat on a Pole, February 2008 has been a hell of a year for yours truly when it comes to reviewing epically bizarre wrestling matches.

LIFE IN THE GLOW HOUSE~! Apparently the heels are on vacation in Atlantic City this week, with Big Bad Mama, Daisy, and Stinky lounging around a motel room that was probably rented by the hour. I should note that, when she was in the ring, Stinky had a huge skunk-themed mohawk that made her look like a total cartoon character. She’s without it in these skits, though, and I can for the first time tell that she may be the most attractive woman in the company. Nothing like hiding the natural beauty of one of your stars so that you can do a gag about how bad she smells. Anyway, as the vacation goes on, Daisy gets a letter from none other than Donald Trump, who wants to have dinner with her. (And here you thought his first involvement with professional wrestling was in WWE.) It turns out to be a prank by the rest of the bad girls, though, and Mama’s fake laughter about the situation will be forever burned in to my soul. Daisy gets beauty advice from Godiva, who I didn’t recognize at first because she’s wearing clothes in this particular segment. Then, much to the chagrin of Mama, Stinky, and Holly, Daisy actually DOES get in to a limo with the Donald on the big night. SWERVE~!

Our next big comedy skit revolves around rumors that GLOW: The Movie will soon be beginning production. Generic GLOW authority figure whose name I can never remember talks to various girls about their roles in the upcoming film. Jokes are made about Hollywood’s penchant for stealing things and the fact that one of the five thousand farmer’s daughters is an idiot.

Mt. Miranda, MTV’s GLOW Connection, and Zelda’s Zingers follow that. I feel like I’m going to OD on skits here.

Match Numero Tres: Beastie vs. Cheyenne Cher

Well, anybody who read my last review knows who’s going over here. Beastie ambushes Cher before the bell, but the “Native American” jumps on to her opponent’s back with a sleeper hold. Beastie, by the way, is wearing the most inappropriate thong this side of Rikishi. The Aussie then scoops her opponent up over her shoulder and dumps her as our announcer does an “I got you babe” joke. High level stuff, here. An atomic drop is next from Beastie, but she spends too much time playing to the crowd and gets taken off her feet with a top rope . . . umm . . . thing. Seriously, I have no clue what that was supposed to be. A halfway decent looking backbreaker from Cher connects, and then she gets another one of those inexplicable rolling takedown in which the victim does all of the work. Beastie slams her opponent. There are literally NO transitions in this match. One girl hits a move. Then the other does. Then the other. Fortunately, before that can annoy me too much, Beastie starts choking Cher with her mace for the DQ. The “road warrior” takes out our referee and ring announcer after the bell.

Match Thoughts: I swear that this was the exact same match as Daisy vs. Vicky Victory. It was big girl versus small girl, and there were numerous spots in which the bad girl blatantly threw herself across the ring so that small girl could score some “offense.”

Doctor Fiel does some word association with Justice. There’s a joke about not washing windows. I’m sure you can fill in the rest by this point.

Match Numero Cuatro: Godiva vs. Ninotchka

The two women trade barbs on the mic before the bell, with Ninotchka playing the babyface role but yet again being buried by the commentator. The former Soviet tries for a slam, only for Godiva to roll through. Godiva follows that up by cartwheeling over he opponent’s prone body, after which she misses a splash. Ninotchka then does the exact same spot, and the announcer buries the ballerina for being dumb enough to try the move, even though he had no such objections when Godiva did it. This is so bizarre. The British lass hits a flying vag in the corner, and Ninotchka is placed in to an oddball inverted half crab. The two women roll around on the mat for a while. The don’t look like they’re trying to accomplish anything in particular. Godiva’s next bit of offense is a headscissors takedown, but Ninotchka shoves her out of the ring on the ensuing pin attempt. Then we’ve got a dropkick from Ninotchka and a flying vag of her own. Seconds later, Ninotchka’s former tag team partner Tanya hits the ring, and that sets up a two heel beatdown for our second DQ finish in a row.

Match Thoughts: I know that there are people out there who think that Ninotchka is one of the better in-ring performers to ever set foot in GLOW, but I think this match proves them all wrong. I’ve always thought that ‘Notchka was fairly good at playing her character(s), but, as a wrestler, she didn’t have a heck of a lot going on. Everything here was very slow and contrived looking, and Godiva wasn’t exactly the person to help her overcome those deficiencies.

Bonus Features

GLOW Scrapbook: The Scrapbook is a little bit different this time. Instead of consisting of magazine clippings, we’ve got still pictures of our favorite GLOW girls, including a photo op with Roxy Astor and Mr. T as well as a couple of shots of the wrestlers appearing on the game show Family Feud, where I believe their opponents came from the WCW roster. I was surprised by how few photos there were, actually, but the ones that did make the cut were all an easy thumbs up.

Behind GLOW’s Doors Preview: This is a trailer for the DVD of a GLOW reunion show which was shot a couple of years back. Before anybody asks, I do not know whether that release is still planned. However, if Big Vision is putting it on the market and is kind enough to provide 411 with a review copy, chances are good I’ll be the one handling it.

Trailers: In a nice touch by Big Vision, the trailers get their own menu this time. Click on some cover art, and the preview plays. Featured this time around are the Best of CM Punk, Vive Guerrero (a lucha tribute show for Eddy), Desperados del Ring, Ring of Glory, Heroes of World Class, Ultimate Insiders with Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara, Ultimate Insiders with the Hardys, Valor Fighting, XPW After The Fall (a compilation featuring former ECW guys’ shots in the promotion), Best of Deathmatch Wrestling: Mexican Hardcore, Best of Deathmatch Wrestling: American Ultraviolence (which appears to be mainly CZW footage), The Best of Deathmatch Wrestling: The Legendary Japanese Tournament (better known as IWA Kawasaki Dream), and FIP Violence is the Answer.

Bonus Matches: Hey, more grappling!

Bonus Match Numero Uno: Beastie & Star vs. Mountain Fiji

After getting some Season One GLOW action in our Volume 2 matches, it looks like we’re back to more latter-day bouts here. Fiji is double teamed right from the get-go, but she eventually shoves her opponents off. The heels’ early strategy is odd in this one, as they don’t take advantage of the two-on-one situation nearly as much as the could. When they do finally get on the same page, Star isolates Fiji in the corner and holds her for a Beastie avalanche . . . only for Mt. Miranda to chop the Aussie in the throat. Fiji is back in the corner seconds later, though, and the two bad girls take turns running off the ropes to pelt the Samoan with strikes. The large babyface eventually responds with a double clothesline, though her attempt at the noggin knocker is blocked. Sacrilege! The heels reel off some more generic offense, but Fiji regains the advantage by slamming Beastie off of the ropes. How does Star respond to this? She . . . uh . . . stands on the second rope and stares at Fiji. She continues to stare for what feels like five full minutes, after which she is also slammed. There’s the one-foot pin from Miss Mountain, and that’s a match.

Match Thoughts: If you’ve seen one Fiji handicap squash match, you’ve seen them all. They’re not the greatest bouts in the world from a technical perspective, but they actually seem to have been effective in getting the woman over as something other than your run off the mill model-barely-trained-to-be-a-wrestler. In that regard, I really can’t fault them.

Bonus Match Numero Dos: Big Bad Mama & Melody T. Vixen vs. Cheyenne Cher & Vicky Victory

Vicky Victory is in great shape, and I’m sure she’s a great human being. However, she’s got a face that makes her look at least fifteen years too old to be doing her cheerleader gimmick. Speaking of the gimmick, the ‘leaders do a cheer which sounds like it was written by kindergarteners. The focus was on how they’ll be best friends forever. Yay! Melody is apparently jealous of that friendship, because she tries to come off the top rope with a body press on to the good girls. That doesn’t work out too well, as both Vixen and Mama are dispatched individually before being thrown in to one another. A wacky Cheerleader spot in the corner sees Vixen get tossed over the top and out to the floor, after which the faces take down Mama and work over her legs. The heels eventually gain the upper hand after nothing in particular happens to cause it. Vixen takes Vicky to the floor, while Mama controls Cher in the squared circle with an avalanche. Then, as Mama holds the good girls in a double headlock, MTV attempts to use Mama’s “voodoo powder” on them. The “powder” accidentally hits Mama in the face, and she “goes in to a trance.” Think that’s goofy? Things get even worse, as the Cheerleaders steal Mama’s voodoo doll and toss it back and forth. Every time it goes airborne, Mama jumps. Vicky and Cher then use the POWER OF THE DOLL~! to turn Mama against her tag team partner. Melody thinks that the best place to hide from the voodoo queen is the top rope, so she gets slammed from that position. Seconds later, Mama sits on Melody at the direction of the good girls. The Cheerleaders add their feet to the pile, and that’s close enough to a pinfall for the referee to register the three count.

Match Thoughts: Between this and the “losers do the laundry of the winners and that of their neighbors” match, Big Bad Mama and MTV may be my new favorite tag team of all time. They managed to show significantly more personality than a lot of the GLOW girls, and they always seemed to get the “best” material to work with, regardless of whether they were actually coming up with it themselves. Vicky and Cher didn’t do a heck of a lot for me in this one, nor do I suspect that Ms. Victory ever will.

The 411: Whether it was by design or a complete fluke, whoever put together the Very Best of GLOW DVD series did a great job of making sure that each of the three releases highlighted a different aspect of the promotion. Volume 1 was a very balanced, even-handed look at what a typical episode of the program would have to offer. Volume 2 rounded up some of the best in-ring performances of the promotion's latter days. Volume 3, meanwhile, REALLY went over the top with GLOW's kitsch factor, featuring wrestling matches that you just have to see if you're somebody who enjoys laughing at bad professional wrestling. Combine that with a "Life in the GLOW House" skit that looks like it was filmed on a budget of approximately eight dollars, and this is the perfect disc for anybody who likes to gather round the television with his friends to play out his own wrestling-themed version of Mystery Science Theater.

Final Score:  7.0   [ Good ]