Dark Pegasus Video Review: Armageddon 2002

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 07.16.2008

Dawn Marie promises to show us her lesbian sex tape with Torrie Wilson. Oh, and there's wrestling.

Armageddon 2002
by J.D. Dunn

December 15, 2002

Live from Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.

Your hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole and Tazz.

Opening Match, World Tag Titles, Elimination Match: Chris Jericho & Christian vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Booker T & Goldust vs. William Regal & Lance Storm.
The Dudz reunited at Survivor Series after Reverend D-Von and Hardcore Bubba didn't work out. Regal and Storm are still burning that UnAmerican candle. The Dudz open a can of whup-ass on Storm and Regal. Bubba avalanches Storm and calls him "Canadian scum." Jericho busts out the soft-shoe and jabs on Goldie, but Goldust catapults him to the floor. Bubba and Goldust team up for stereo Flip, Flop and Flies. The match breaks down, and the Dudleyz hit the 3D on Christian. Regal blind tags himself in, and Storm drops a leg on Bubba. Regal covers and gets the pin after some bizarre botchery at 5:16. Goldust powerslams Regal and eliminates the UnAmericans at 5:32. See, if they just wanted to do Chris Jericho & Christian against Booker & Goldust, they should have just booked that match. I should note that there was some uncertainty about whether Goldust would turn on Booker T because he kept going on about how he was the weak link of the team. The Canadians isolate Goldust for a bit. Christian puts him in an abdominal stretch and calls him a "son of a bitch." Is that the Canadian National Insult (defeating "hoser" in the 1993 election, one presumes)? Seriously, Jericho and Christian both use it like it's going out of style when they're in the ring. Booker gets the hot tag but misses the Scissors Kick and winds up in the Walls of Jericho. Goldust makes the save and crotches Christian on the top. Booker tosses Jericho into Christian's crotch and gets two. He blocks a superplex and hits Jericho with a missile dropkick for a hot nearfall. An awkward flapjack sets up the Spinaroonie. SCISSORS KICK! The ref is distracted by Goldust and Christian so he doesn't turn around immediately. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Jericho nails Booker with the title belt and hits a Lionsault. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Jericho can't believe it. He picks up the title belt and charges, but Booker catches him with the Book End at 16:43. It probably would have been better without the scrubs in there. Seeing Booker and Goldust finally pick up the tag straps was a feel-good moment, though. ***

Brock Lesnar promises to make an impact tonight.

Edge vs. A-Train.
A-Train was the WWE's last-ditch effort to push Albert. He attacked Edge's partner Rey Mysterio and then attacked Edge, costing him a spot in tonight's title match. It should be noted that it was supposed to be Matt Hardy receiving that push, which would have lead to a much better Edge vs. Matt Hardy match here and would have set up Matt Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio at WrestleMania. WWE Talent Guru Johnny Ace overruled it and put A-Train in there, though. A-Train mugs Edge and stays on top with "clubbing maneuvers." Edge comes back and hits his Half-Nelson Facebuster for two. Edge goes up but comes off into a Bicycle Kick. A bodypress gets two for Edge. The Baldo Bomb gets two, and A-Train grabs a chair. Edge spears him for two, so A-Train panics, grabs the chair, and nails Edge in the knee for the lame DQ at 7:12. No one wanted that finish. Edge couldn't go over without hurting A-Train, but they should have known at this point (as did everyone else in the world) that it wasn't going to work between Albert and the WWE. Part of them had to know that, otherwise they would have put A-Train over Edge. Remember kids, 50/50 booking only means the everyone's glass is half empty. *1/2

In the back, Big Show is in a panic because Brock said he wanted to "make an impact."

Recap of the Eddy Guerrero/Chris Benoit feud. I recall specifically the one-man promo a few weeks before this with Eddy pleading for Chris' forgiveness and Benoit just glaring at him during the whole thing. I think it went something like this:

"Chris, you can't do this! You don't bump guys! You're not like those animals back there. It's not right, Chris! They can't make us do this. It's the wrong situation; they can't make us different people than we are. We're not muscle, Chris. I... I... I... never killed anybody. I used a little information for a chisel, that's all. It's my nature, Chris! I... I... I... can't help it, somebody gives me an angle, I play it. I don't deserve to die for that. Do you think I do?

I'm... I'm... I'm just a grifter, Chris. I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm a nobody! But I'll tell you what; I never crossed a friend, Chris. I never killed anybody, I never crossed a friend, nor you, I'll bet. We're not like those animals! This is not us! Th... th... this is some hop dream! It's a dream, Chris! I'm praying to you! I can't die! I can't die... out here in the woods, like a dumb animal! In the woods, LIKE A DUMB ANIMAL! Like a dumb animal! I can't... I can't... I CAN'T DIE OUT HERE IN THE WOODS!... like a dumb animal. I can't... die!

I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart! I'm praying to you! Look in your heart..."

Or maybe that was "Miller's Crossing." I forget.

Chris Benoit vs. Eddy Guerrero.
This is an unofficial #1 contender's match after Eddy cost Benoit the title match against the Big Show. They take it to the mat early, and it goes to a stalemate. Eddy backs Benoit into the corner and gives him a vicious chop. But then he backs off. The crowd alternates between "Eddy sucks" and "Eddy" chants as they go back to the mat. It's good stuff, but not as interesting as when Benoit and Angle are in there together. A small "boring" chant breaks out, so they go up-tempo. Benoit gets ROLLING GERMANS to a big pop. Benoit goes up, but Eddy staggers to his feet. Cole proclaims Benoit a genius for not coming off with the diving headbutt anyway. Yes, he didn't fly off the top rope and land flat on his own face. He's a master strategist. Eddy slips out of a powerbomb, gets his own ROLLING GERMANS and hits the frogsplash. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Eddy can't believe it, so he tackles Benoit to the floor and stomps on his ribs. Eddy argues with the ref while Chavo Guerrero runs down and nails him with the title belt. Back in, Eddy only gets two but locks in the El Paso Lasso. Benoit makes the ropes and hits the powerbomb he was looking for earlier. Benoit goes up, but Chavo brawls with him on the top while Eddy keeps the ref distracted. Benoit fights him off and hits the Swandive Headbutt. Eddy turns the cover into the El Paso Lasso, but Benoit reverses that to the Crippler Crossface. Cool sequence as Eddy reaches for the ropes, but Benoit slips over to the other side to put himself in between Eddy and the ropes. Eddy tries one last desperate attempt to roll through, but they wind up in the middle of the ring and Eddy has to tap at 16:47. As a match, this rocked. The fans didn't really seem to know who to root for thanks to Heyman's "everyone's a heel" booking. They actually wound up rooting for Eddy because he's such a sleazy bastard and then for Benoit because… well, because Eddy is such a sleazy bastard. I could have done without so much Chavito interference, though. ***3/4

In the office, Stephanie McMahon admires Benoit's wrestling acumen. Paul Heyman begs Steph not to let Brock Lesnar be in Kurt Angle's corner.

Recap of Dawn Marie coming on to Torrie and basically offering to break off her relationship with Torrie's father if she has sex with her. Dawn later went back on her promise and vowed to show us the sex tape tonight.

Dawn Marie and Al Wilson come out to show us the Director's Cut of the footage we just watched. Torrie actually seems to get into it, but Al Wilson puts a stop to the footage. He puts his foot down… and probably poops in his Depends. Al just became the biggest heel in the arena. She finally relents because she wants to please her Alliekins. This was part of the reason buyrates tanked. They promised something and didn't deliver. I know that many would defend that by saying, "Well, no one really expected them to give us a Dawn Marie/Torrie Wilson sex tape," and my response would be "And that's why buyrates tanked."

Kane vs. Batista (w/Ric Flair).
This is Batista's PPV wrestling debut. His body shape is just bizarre at this point. He didn't have a lot of ring presence, looking more like the average big lug. Kane clotheslines him over, but Flair calms him down. Back in, Batista spears Kane for two and hits a suplex for two more. Flair tries to light up Kane on the outside, but Kane no-sells. Back in, Batista botches a powerbomb and nearly drops Kane on his head. Maybe he was going for a Gansobomb. Probably not, since Kane stands up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?" The fans quickly grow impatient with Batista. Kane hits a flying clothesline, but Flair is pointing at the ring, so the ref has to stop and admonish him instead of counting. Batista gives Kane a spinebuster, but it only gets two. Kane drags Flair in, allowing Batista to sneak up, boot Kane in the gut, and hit the Demonbomb for real at 6:38. I suppose one could call this a match. You could also call "Al Wilson" a great actor too. This was a bit entertaining in a sick "Manos, Hands of Fate" sort of way. 1/4*

John Cena and B-Squared (Bull Buchanan) come out to bust some mad rhymes.

Recap of Crazy Victoria.

Women's Title, Triple Threat: Victoria vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jacqueline.
Vickie has her Tatu entrance at this point. I bring it up because I thought it was pretty cool. Jackie gets tossed but comes back in and goes all Kung Fu on Victoria with a legsweep. Trish tries Stratusfaction, but the other chicks team up to drop her on her head. Trish comes off the top with a crossbody for two, but Jackie rolls through for two of her own. Victoria gets tossed now, allowing Trish to hit the handstand rana. She Chick Kicks a returning Victoria. Jackie tosses Victoria again and turns around into a Chick Kick. Trish… botches the cover, and that allows Victoria to make the save. Trish covers again, so Victoria smashes the title belt into her head and steals the pin at 4:27. This was pretty bad, but thanks to following the previous match it looks good by comparison. It's like wearing vertical stripes and standing next to a fat person. 1/2*

In the back, Kurt Angle reminds Brock Lesnar that Brock was screwed out of the title. Brock still won't commit to being in his corner, so Kurt leaves him with a VHS copy of the Survivor Series. Oh come on. Invest in a DVD player, Kurt.

WWE Heavyweight Title: The Big Show (w/Paul Heyman) vs. Kurt Angle.
This was during the "HEYMAN IS KEYSER SOZE" era where Paul managed to be the agent for the WWE Champion straight from Summerslam to WrestleMania despite the fact that the title changed twice during that period. No Brock for Kurt to start. Should have sprung for the DVD. Kurt tries to wrestle Show early, which doesn't go well for him. Show dumps Angle but accidentally tosses him onto Heyman. Angle sneaks in and dumps Show while Show is checking on Heyman. That just pisses Show off, though, and he starts to manhandle Angle. The Final Cut only gets two. The fans chant, "U.S.A." Well, that's just super, Ft. Lauderdale. Angle bites his way out of a bearhug and tries to choke Show out Cary Elwes-style. Show snaps him over, but Kurt comes back with a sloppy Tornado DDT. A missile dropkick gets two for Kurt. Kurt just gets crazy with a moonsault block. It barely connects, but it was a nice idea in theory. ANGLE SLAM! ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! DOWN COME THE STRAPS! Show reverses the Anklelock to a chokeslam attempt, but Angle rolls through that to another Anklelock. Show shoves Angle into the ref. Heyman recovers after 10 minutes of unconsciousness and tosses a chair into the ring. He tosses it closer to Kurt, though. Kurt grabs it and nails Show with it. It only gets two, but Kurt goes back to the Anklelock. The ref got bumped by the kickout, though. A-Train runs in and attacks Kurt with the Derailer. Show chokeslams Angle, but Brock Lesnar runs in and F5s the Big Show. Angle crawls over and gets the pin at 12:36. See, now this is a match that needed to be heavily booked. Show actually tried to work that multi-reversal style with Kurt, and Kurt busted his ass to make it work. It wasn't great, but it was a better match than anyone else could have dragged Show to. Kurt would reveal that he and Heyman were in cahoots, so now you know how Heyman was able to manage the champion for eight months even though there were three of them. **1/4

Rob Van Dam joins us from The World and predicts victory for Shawn Michaels.

World Heavyweight Title, 2/3 Falls: Shawn Michaels vs. Triple H (w/Ric Flair).
First Fall, Street Fight: Hunter had a virtual deathgrip on the title for the first year after it was brought back, but he let Shawn borrow it for a month following the Survivor Series. Earl Hebner tosses Ric Flair before the match. Shawn gets tossed but skins the cat and tosses Hunter. Hunter grabs a trash can to block Shawn's offense. Shawn grabs the can and tries to use it, but Hunter gets his boot up. They work in a sloppy crossbody reversal spot. Hunter starts working Shawn's back, which you'd think would be interesting because of Shawn's notorious back injury, but it's surprisingly heatless. Shawn sets up for Sweet Chin Music, but Hunter catches his foot and twists his knee. Hunter switches up and goes after the knee. Again, you'd think that would be interesting, but it's just not clicking for some reason. A figure-four gets several nearfalls. Shawn spends a *long* time in the hold before reversing it. Hunter releases the hold and smashes Shawn in the face with a trashcan lid. They brawl to the entrance area where Hunter teases smashing Shawn's brains in with a barbed-wire 2x4. Instead, he sets it on fire with the entrance pyro and holds it aloft like some demented Olympic torch. The cruel hand of irony injects itself into the match, as Shawn hits Hunter in the gut and steals the barbed-wire torch. He "hits" Hunter with it, drawing "holy shit" chants. Back to the ring, Hunter drop toeholds Shawn into the chair, drops him with a DDT, and calls the entire rest of the match on camera. Shawn makes a mini comeback before Hunter clips his leg and finishes him with a Pedigree at 20:32.

Second Fall, Cage Match: Hunter smashes a trash can over Shawn's head as the crew sets up the cage. Shawn is busted open, so Hunter rakes his face along the mesh. JR notes that Hunter is leaving Shawn's epidermis all over the cage. Shawn tosses Hunter into the cage, and they go up. Ric Flair comes back to watch them fight on the top of the cage. Hunter tells him to set up some tables, so Flair sets up a very nice pyramid. Shawn and Hunter fall back in, though, and Shawn hits the Picture-Perfect Elbow. Flair hops in the cage and grabs a chair, hoping to buy Hunter enough time to escape. It backfires, though, as Shawn fights him off, steals his chair, and NAILS Hunter with it. Flair bleeds, perhaps hoping to carry a match to over *** without actually being a participant in it. Shawn turns around into a Pedigree attempt, but he backdrops out of it. A weak superkick takes out Flair, and Shawn makes up for it with a much better one on Hunter. You'd think he'd just go for the door or for the pin, but instead, he sets Hunter on a table and splashes him through it. That gets the pin at 31:08.

Third Fall, Ladder Match: Shawn sets up a ladder in the corner and whips HHH into it. Shawn suplexes him on the ladder, sets it up, and climbs up. Hunter avoids another splash, though. That sets up a sloppy Pedigree. Hunter goes up, but Shawn yanks him down and superkicks him. Shawn goes… up… slowly. Hunter returns and tips over the ladder, sending Shawn crashing through those tables. Hunter crawls up and grabs the title at 38:32. This thing just never clicked. Part of the reason was that Shawn's return was received much like Chris Jericho's was last year – a lot of fans resented the fact that he just showed up expecting to be in the main event. The booking of the match didn't help. Having a cage fall right in the middle of the match was probably not the best idea. In retrospect, they probably should have started with a regular fall, went to the street fight, and then had either a ladder or cage match in the third fall. Their gold standard remains either the Summerslam match or the Raw match from late 2003. **1/2

The 411: Even Benoit vs. Eddy can't save this. The opener is okay, and the #1 contender's match is excellent, but everything else was either horrible or highly disappointing. Heyman's booking, while definitely interesting, didn't really fit in with the WWE. His characters are much more well-rounded while the Raw brand has flat "good guys" and "bad guys." From a writing standpoint, Heyman is great, but the WWE fans have just been conditioned (despite what Vince says) to root for good guys and jeer bad guys, in absence of that, they don't really know what to do.

Thumbs down

Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]