The Name on the Marquee: The Best of the WWF Volume One

Posted by Adam Nedeff on 04.27.2008

Who's the best worker on the tape? Not the guy in charge of editing, I promise you THAT.

-Okay, first piece of business, I whiffed on the HTML code when trying to link to my website last time. If you'd like to take a gander at my other sick obsession, go to Game Show Utopia.

-In 1985, Vince McMahon had an idea. He would assemble compilations of noteworthy matches and angles, then sell them to fans for viewing at home. I wonder how that worked out.

-Open with the famous “history of wrestling” montage that usually opened the early Coliseum Video releases. For future reference, the text at the beginning (“It began more than 5,000 years ago…”) is a million times funnier if you say the word “masturbation” to yourself ten times before reading it. Try it. Seriously.

-Hosted by Vince himself, with various folks popping in & out for commentary.

HANDICAP MATCH: HULK HOGAN & ANDRE THE GIANT vs. BIG JOHN STUDD, ADRIAN ADONIS, & DICK MURDOCH
Hogan & Andre cut a pre-match promo together, and Hulk has a really weird look on his face when he’s not the one who’s talking. (My friend Jeremy: “He looks like he’s trying to decide if he wants Chinese or a burger.”) Gorilla Monsoon & Red Bastien are on commentary.

Hogan & Adonis start and Hogan gets the early advantage, but some Adonis/Murdoch double-teaming stops that. Some really awkward editing takes us to an Andre/Studd staredown, which Studd doesn’t want. We jump ahead AGAIN to Hulk working Adonis over in the corner, then tagging in Andre. Andre headbutts Adonis, who does a beautiful flying sell and retreats to the corner. Adonis follows that with a Flair flip off an Irish whip and tags in Studd. Andre corners all three heels and does a battering ram, but the heels come back and Murdoch drives Giant Morton’s head into the canvas to KO him. The tag champs alternate working him over for a bit. Murdoch chokes Andre with the tag rope, but Andre the Poetic Giant gets a hold of it and chokes him out, and Hogan tags in to clean house. Murdoch turns the tables with an elbow to the jaw, and now it’s Hogan’s turn to Mortonize. Hogan tries to make a comeback by slamming Adonis off the top; they whiff on that but Adonis saves it beautifully by falling on top of the rope and straddling himself so Hogan can make his comeback that way. As opposed to trying the slam again. Take note, new guys. Hogan tries to get the comeback but Studd tags in, and being completely fresh, he naturally goes for a headlock. Murdoch tags in and stomps away, but a double shoulderblock gives Hogan the opening he needed to tag, and it’s a pier six brawl. The tag champs are cleared easily and Andre & Hulk double-team Studd until he gets pissed and calls it a night. Andre’s having none of that and leaves to “chase” Studd very gradually, and the remaining heels try to take advantage of Hogan. That works momentarily until Andre suddenly realizes what the hell he’s doing and goes back to the ring to splash Adonis and cover him for the three count. Entertaining, but I get the impression that the heavy editing had a lot to do with that. 1 for 1 but absolutely zero desire to see the full match.

“THE BRAWL TO END IT ALL”: WOMEN’S TITLE: FABULOUS MOOLAH (champion with Captain Lou Albano) vs. WENDI RICHTER (with Cyndi Lauper)
-Moolah practically cuts a babyface promo pre-match, while Lou Albano says “Often imitated but never duplicated” about 15 times. Your commentary team is Gorilla, Gene Okerlund, & David Wolff (Lauper’s manager-with-benefits).

-Richter was actually trained by Moolah, and one of the differences between then & now is that now, they would acknowledge that and probably build the feud from it. They trade sloppy armdrags to start. Moolah takes advantage with a kick and sends Richter to the floor early on. A very careless edit (we jump from Gorilla starting a sentence to Gene finishing one) takes us to Wendi making a comeback with a choke, followed by an armdrag and an armbar, but she misses a splash. Jump to Moolah snapping Richter over the top rope by the hair. I swear, the easiest way to defeat Moolah in any match would be shave your head; it would take away about 90% of her offense. Richter goes for a full nelson, and just for fun, Lauper whacks Moolah with her purse in full view of the referee. Uh, you’re supposed to be the faces here, kids. Richter gets a couple of near falls, but another edit (Man, the Video Toaster guy must get bored REALLY fast) takes us to Moolah getting a backdrop and a near fall of her own. She whips Richter into the corner and gets a German sup—uh, a German Fall Backward and Roll, and dammit, they’re gonna do THAT finish, aren’t they?...Yup. It’s a double-pin and Richter rolls her shoulder at two. Since I’m new here, I’d like to give you a heads-up that doing that finish is NOT a good way to earn your point. 1 for 2.

GORILLA MONSOON vs. BARON MIKEL SCICLUNA
-This is more notable for the angle than follows than the actual match. Scicluna goes for the early attack, but Monsoon comes back with a series of chops, and Scicluna says “the hell with it” and leaves after less than a minute. Oh, did I mention Muhammad Ali is at ringside for this? Because that’s kind of important. Anyway, Ali challenges Monsoon to a fight. Gorilla dodges every one of his punches, then airplane-spins him and drops him to the mat. Ali recovers and runs away. Post-match, Gorilla cuts a promo, and sounds exactly like he does on commentary. Early Vince is funny to listen to, also. He’s just shamelessly aping Howard Cosell.

-“Uh, what was the point of that?” you ask. Okay, you might have heard of a legendary-for-the-wrong-reasons boxer vs. wrestler match between Ali & Antonio Inoki. People who weren’t wrestling fans were laughing it off because “that wrestling stuff is so fake.” To jolt the non-wrestling fans into thinking this was worth watching, Ali agreed to be mauled by Monsoon to make those folks think that something interesting might happen during this upcoming match. This actually got a huge reaction at the time (ABC Sports replayed this angle over and over again) but now, it’s not as much as it’s made out to sound. 1 for 3.

JIMMY “Superfly” SNUKA vs. BOBBY BASS
-It’s a TV squash from 1983. Your commentary team is Jack Reynolds (who struggles to pronounce “Snuka” for a few early laughs) and Angelo Mosca (who calls Snuka’s finisher “The Statue of Liberty,” which cracked me up for whatever reason). Like I said, it’s a TV squash. A TV squash on a “best of” tape. 1 for 4.

PIPER’S PIT W/GUEST JIMMY SNUKA
-You might have heard of this one. Snuka was a guest previously and got pissed because Piper wouldn’t let him talk. So he’s back and Piper still refuses to let him talk. Instead he rambles and throws fruit at Snuka, and Snuka finally gets out his one line in the segment (“Are you making fun of me?”) and THAT’S the cue for the coconut to the head. Piper destroys Snuka, sending him through the wall of the set, smearing the fruit in his face, whipping him with a belt, and walking away. Sometimes, building a main event feud really can be that easy. 2 for 5.

JIMMY SNUKA vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER
-From MSG. Gorilla & Lord Alfred Hayes are on commentary. Piper very reluctantly enters the ring. Snuka chops the hell out of him until he can’t stand up, then headbutts him just to get the point across about how he’s angry. Piper tries to make his own comeback with a headbutt and hurts himself, so he goes for a thumb to the eye and that works for him. Piper builds from that and works over Snuka’s face. Snuka comes back and chops Piper over the top rope. Neat spot…In the Wrestlemania I review, I mentioned that the ropes at MSG were loose, and they’re loose for this match too. Snuka tries to clothesline Piper, but Piper’s head goes backward through the ropes as Snuka winds up him, so when Roddy comes forward, he strangles himself on the top rope. That’s what Bob Ross would call a “happy accident”; it looked really neat. Snuka takes advantage by just beating the hell out of him and gets a sleeper. Piper manages to slip out of the ring, but Snuka hangs onto the sleeper. Piper breaks it by ramming Snuka back-first into the apron, and Snuka responds by ramming him into the post. Piper crawls away for dear life and grabs a chair, but Snuka snatches it away from him and rams Piper’s head into it, and Piper’s busted open and appears to shit himself in terror when he realizes he’s bleeding. Jimmy just destroys him and lands a headbutt. Blown finish sees Snuka go for a Superfly leap, but Piper “catches” him and falls backward to send Snuka through the ropes and gets a count-out and a miracle win. Fun match! 3 for 6.

WWF JR. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: COBRA vs. BLACK TIGER
-This particular title, which you’ve never, ever heard of, is vacant, and we’re back at MSG to fill it. They trade snapmares but Cobra gets the advantage with a headlock and a nice clothesline (one of the rare times that you can actually hear the contact, and the MSG crowd lets out a nice “Ooooooo” of approval). A 360 splash off the ropes gets two. Cobra comes back with a backdrop and a headlock of his own. He stomps away and heads to the top. Tiger catches him, so Cobra just kicks him and suplexes him and goes for a pin. Tiger kicks out and Cobra gets a crucifix for two. He transitions into a headscissors, but Tiger kips out. Cobra with a stomachbreaker and a Boston crab. He gets a surfboard, but he’s too close to the ropes. We clip to Tiger getting a full nelson and Cobra escaping and getting a standing dropkick that sends Tiger out of the ring. Tiger goes up top but Cobra slams him and gets the scissors again. He gets a side headlock and a shoulderblock, but Tiger catches him with a clothesline and goes for a pin. Two-count. Neckbreaker and we clip ahead to Cobra with a spinning kick off the ropes. The crowd, which was dead during the intros, is REALLY getting into this. Another dropkick sends Tiger out to the floor and Cobra follows with a tope! Clip to Tiger going to the ropes and he finally gets what he wanted and follows up with a suplex for two. He follows that with a prototype for the psycho driver (!) That gets two. He goes for another one, but Cobra reverses for a tombstone, followed by a top rope splash to win the title. Damn. 4 for 7. The WWF would send the Jr. Heavyweight title over to Japan for the next ten years so Vince wouldn’t have to think about it. Between this and the Dynamite Kid/Tiger Mask MSG bout from 1982, it amazes me that not only did it take another decade for American wrestling to make room for this stuff, but that Vince wasn’t the one who did it.

HULK HOGAN TRAINS MEAN GENE OKERLUND
-Okay, I’m gonna be that guy and say that this is a funny skit. The WWF is on its way to Minneapolis to screw with Verne Gagne, and their main event is announced as Hogan & Mean Gene vs. George Steele & Mr. Fuji. Gene naturally needs a little help to get into wrestling shape.

DAY ONE: Hogan busts into Gene’s house at 5 a.m. to find Gene smoking a cigar before he has his daily pancakes and sausage. Hogan almost punches him out right there, but instead gets out some drinking glasses for a Rocky breakfast: Raw eggs. Funny bit as Hogan tries to make Mean Gene drink up, and Gene REALLY doesn’t want to do it and keeps glancing off-camera for somebody to give him a signal and stop tape. It should be noted that Gene has amassed quite the collection of appliance cozies and leaves his toaster plugged in whether it’s in use or not. Tsk, tsk, Gene.

They go jogging in the park, where a bunch of gay porn stars hang out and cheer them on. Gene is exhausted after one lap around the lake, but Hulk makes him do another one, because he hates him, I guess. Mean Gene sneaks away for beer, but Hulk catches him and makes him jog again. They probably wanted to save the “Mean Gene Okerlund gets drunk” highlight reel for Volume Two.

DAY TWO: Hulk takes him to a gym that apparently provided some kind of services to the company because Hulk makes it a point to say the gym’s name and the owner’s name.

DAY THREE: It’s 6 a.m. and Gene is muttering something to himself about Prince when Hulk breaks in to take him to the arena. They do an exercise where Hulk runs the arena stairs while carrying Gene on his back, then makes Gene do the same exercise, and Gene actually climbs the stairs with Hogan on his back (you can see him shaking through the entire climb).

DAY FOUR: Mean Gene is now brimming with confidence and they take another page from the Rocky playbook and run up the stairs of city hall, with Mean Gene wearing a Hulkamania t-shirt and Hulk wearing a Mean Gene-a-mania t-shirt. 5 for 8, there, I said it.

HULK HOGAN & MEAN GENE OKERLUND vs. MR. FUJI & GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE
-This is actually a homecoming for the faces, so the crowd is quite stoked to see this. Start with Hogan & Fuji, and Hogan gets the early advantage with an Irish whip, an armdrag, and a bodyslam. Steele tags in and gets upset when Hogan mimicks his act. Edit to Steele doing his hidden object schtick for the advantage, but Hulk makes his own save and cleans house. He takes it to the floor and then does a Nature Boy strut in a weird moment. Hulk high-fives Gene in the corner, and the referee declares that to be a tag and forces Mean Gene to come in. Mean Gene backs himself into a corner, then gets out of the way when Steele goes for the attack and tags Hulk back in. Hogan cleans house again and Fuji tries to blind Hogan with the salt, but Gene smacks it out of his hand. Hogan plants him with a big boot, then bodyslams Mean Gene on top of him for the pin. Well, it was short, I’ll give it that. Honestly, though, it could have been a five-star match and I’d refuse to give it a point out of principle following Mean Gene’s post-match posedown. 5 for 9.

BRUNO SAMMARTINO vs. LARRY ZBYSKO
-Larry was introduced as a pupil of Sammartino (which was true) and got a giant babyface push, but eventually got sick of being compared to his mentor and challenged Bruno to a match to prove he could hold his own. Zbysko with a go-behind, but Sammartino reverses. Zbysko tries about five different methods of getting out and totally fails, so Bruno just lets him go to be nice. Side headlock by Bruno, but Larry sends him to the ropes and gets a hiptoss and goes for the win right there, but Bruno kicks out. Zbysko tries his own side headlock and Bruno reverses out of that, but Larry gets a shoulderblock. Trying to follow up, though, only gets him a drop-toehold from Bruno. Collar-and-elbow leads to a Larry bodyslam, and again he goes for the pin off one move. Bruno retaliates with his own bodyslam, and Larry looks a little annoyed. Zbysko with another go-behind, and this time Bruno turns it into a hammerlock. Now Zbysko tries an abdominal stretch and Bruno flips him to get out. Bruno goes off the ropes but Larry catches him and gets a bodyslam and goes for the pin. Half-crab, but Sammartino simply rolls over to get out of that. Test of strength and of course Bruno wins that battle, then releases it immediately. Criss-cross and Larry tries to hiptoss him but Bruno reverses and Zbysko is really starting to lose his temper. Lock-up, and Larry goes to a shoulderblock. He attempts another one but Bruno catches him in a bearhug, then releases immediately, having decided that merely proving his point to Larry is enough. Hammerlock by Larry but Bruno spins around and Larry falls out of the ring. Bruno holds the rope open to let Larry back in, and Larry takes exception to that and MAULS Bruno with a lot of kicking and stomping, then smashes a chair over Bruno’s head (and the camera gets a nice close-up of Bruno sticking the blade back in his trunks; nice work, boys). Larry calls it a day. 6 for 10. GREAT storytelling here with Bruno desperately trying to avoid hurting his star pupil, but then reversing or countering his holds in ways that made Larry look foolish until he finally couldn’t take it anymore.

-Official weigh-in for the steel cage rematch. Notable only for a cameo by Dr. George Zahorian, who would make Vince McMahon’s life rather interesting a few years after this.

STEEL CAGE: BRUNO SAMMARTINO (with Arnold Skaaland) vs. LARRY ZBYSKO
-From the 1980 Showdown at Shea. Zbysko tries to Orndorff him early, but Bruno is ready for it and sends him bouncing off the cage and stomps away. And stomps some more. He rams Larry in the cage and for some reason we stay on a still frame of that FOREVER before jumping ahead to a low-blow by Larry. Larry heads for the door but Bruno grabs the tights to keep him in there. Larry doesn’t appreciate that and sends him into the cage. Clip ahead to Larry ramming Bruno’s head into the cage again. Zbysko tries to go over the top of the cage, but Bruno yanks him back to the mat. Bruno kicks him in the back and we edit again and jump to Bruno choking Larry. Larry goes for the eyes and tries to escape, but Bruno catches him and slams him off the top rope. Edit again (Dammit, man!) to Larry battering Bruno in the corner. Larry tries to go out the door but Bruno stops him. Edit again (whew) to Bruno posting Larry and edit again (come on!) to Bruno ramming Zbysko into the walls of the cage over and over, and Bruno walks out the door to win, and somehow I’m impressed that they didn’t just clip to Bruno walking into the locker room. Larry follows him out the door, and Bruno punches him, thinking Larry wants another confrontation, but surprise! Larry raises his arm and congratulates him instead. The upcoming payoff was to be that Larry, satisfied that he had proven that he could hang with Bruno, would apologize and turn face again, and get another giant push that, long term, would give him the world title. Larry got into some kind of pissing match with Vince, Jr. and quit instead. 6 for 11. Too much damn editing to get into it.

Closing credits include a weird disclaimer explaining that matches were edited but that it was done carefully to “preserve the integrity and spirit of the matches.” Be it known to all present that from this day forward, I will refer to blatant editing done on home video releases as “integrity preservation.” I look forward to answering all the e-mails down the road from people asking me what “integrity preservation” means.

The 411: What’s got a point is good, and whatever didn’t get a point isn’t truly bad in this case. Even the bad stuff is somehow noteworthy (the Ali angle, Rock & Wrestling, etc.) Thumbs up.

Final Score:  6.5   [ Average ]