Dark Pegasus Video Review: Backlash 2003

Posted by J.D. Dunn on 07.22.2008

The WWE PPV debut of the Whiskerbiscuit Bald-headed Bitch. Hard to believe that didn't get him over.

Backlash 2003
by J.D. Dunn

April 27, 2003

Live from Worcester, Mass.

Your hosts are Jonathan Coachman, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole and Tazz.

Opening Match, WWE Tag Team Titles: Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros.
Team Angle brings a giant Kurt Angle picture with them in tribute to Kurt, who was recovering from neck surgery. The Guerreros were babyfaces at this point, even though they cheated like bastards… maybe I should say because they cheated like bastards. The fans eat Eddy up with a knife, fork, spoon, and one of those little sporks you get at Dairy Queen. Shelton plays heel-in-peril until Team Angle start cheating. Turnabout is fair play, as Gorilla Monsoon always said. Benjamin chokes Eddy down with the tag rope, and they work in the AWA Special. Eddy tries to charge to his corner, but Haas scoops him up and spikes him down. Eddy counters a backbreaker to a headscissors and makes the HOT TAG TO CHAVO! Chavo cleans house on Team Angle. Charlie accidentally avalanches his own partner. Shelton gives Chavo a sick powerbomb but turns around into a missile dropkick from Eddy. Eddy delivers the Triple Verticals to Haas and adds a frogsplash. Shelton pulls Chavo off the cover and trips him up while he's going for a suplex. Haas lands on top, and Team Angle retain at 15:04. The Guerreros are not satisfied, though, so they steal the tag belts and ride off in their low-rider. Solid tag formula plus Eddy's personality equal an excellent opener. ***1/2

In the back, Test hits on Torrie Wilson but is brutally rebuffed. A wrinkled pile of rags… oh, wait, that's Sable -- anyway, she looks on with bad intentions. When did Test turn into Jerry O'Connell?

Sean O'Haire (w/Roddy Piper) vs. Rikishi.
O'Haire actually had a decent character coming out of WrestleMania as a Tom Cruise-like manipulator, but they scrapped that and made him Piper's lackey. O'Haire, by the way, was one of those WCW Power Plant guys who broke out during Russo's tenure and almost kinda, sorta started to get over before the buyout. The WWE decided he didn't wrestle the WWE style – doing spinning back kicks, Swantons, and karate chops – so they sent him to developmental for nearly two years, brought him up for a couple of months, saw the product of their work, and released him. O'Haire grabs a neck vise for a long time as the audience gets distracted by something. Lucky them. O'Haire blocks the Stinkface, and Piper considers hitting Rikishi over the head with the coconut. Instead, Rikishi and O'Haire superkick each other for a double KO. Piper tries to interfere again but takes a coconut to the head for his trouble. That distraction allows O'Haire to finish Rikishi with the Widowmaker at 4:55. Well, there goes the push of another marketable star. I'm not sure what ever happened to O'Haire as far as his wrestling career. There are rumors that he had "personality problems" and didn't listen to criticism. I'm not sure why they wouldn't just cut bait and release him rather than hyping what appeared to be a really good character only to yank the rug out from under him. 1/4*

Over at the catering table, Stacy Keibler is getting ready to scarf down some celery (which probably accounts for her entire weekly caloric intake, given her figure). Sable takes a break from telling Bill Paxton about her time on the Titanic and informs Stacy that Torrie Wilson is hitting on her man.

World Tag Titles: Rob Van Dam & Kane vs. The Dudley Boyz.
Chief Morley (Val Venis) is the special referee. The Dudz are reluctantly working for the Bischoff Administration. Val actually had a little heat going as the evil Chief of Staff. There were way too many evil authority figures roaming around at this time, though. Rob and Bubba go to a stalemate because all ECW guys have to do that sequence with Rob at the beginning of the match. Bubba doesn't exactly have "the Glow," though. Kane starts destroying the challengers. They cheat to take over on RVD. Rob plays face-in-peril as Coach steps all over Lawler's joke and then sodomizes its corpse (Lawler: "Rob Van Dam always has that vacant look. Today, he called me and asked me for my phone number." Coach: "What'd you tell him?"). Kane gets the hot tag and cleans house until Morley gives him a low blow. A Bubba clothesline gets two. Morley accidentally takes out Bubba, drawing the ire of D-Von. Lance Storm runs in and attacks the Dudleyz because he's buddy-buddy with Morley. The Dudz give Morley the 3D, though. That allows Kane to hit a double chokeslam. Rob adds the Five-Star Frogsplash, and the champs retain at 13:01. The Dudleyz were already getting stale again less than six months after they were reunited. **1/4

Stacy storms the locker room and attacks Torrie until the other Divas pull them apart. Why was Ivory showering? Was she even involved in anything strenuous? Maybe that's how she stays 99 44/100-percent pure.

Women's Title: Trish Stratus vs. Jazz (w/Theodore Long).
Before the match, Jazz tells us that the bitch is back and the bitch is black. Teddy Long's plan is apparently to have Jazz win the Women's Title and take it back with her to the 1970s. Trish is battle bad ribs thanks to an attack ordered by Eric Bischoff. Trish starts out well with La Majestral, but Jazz hits a backbreaker. Jazz unties the turnbuckle pad, distracting the ref so he can't see Trish going for the pin. Jazz blocks the Stratusphere and turns it into a half-crab. That looked painful. Trish powers out into an STF. The Chick Kick only gets two, so Trish his Stratusfaction. ONE, TWO, THR-Teddy Long throws his shoe and hits Trish in the head. Who throws a shoe? Honestly! Trish is so distracted that Jazz is able to roll her up for two. Another rollup (and a handful of rope) gives Jazz the win at 5:51. Not bad at all. Trish was nearing her peak as a worker. **

In the back, Booker T, Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash all agree that they're ready. Nash wants Triple H for himself, though.

The Big Show vs. Rey Mysterio.
This follows the same basic storyline as Big Show vs. Mayweather – one guy is really big, the other guy is really small. Show tosses Rey around to establish that he's really big and Rey is really small. Rey cheats and hits Show in the face with a chairshot (after Show conveniently shoves the ref aside). That leads to a 619 to the gut, a 619 to the leg, and a 619 to the face. It's the 1857! That sets up a West Coast Pop, but Show catches him in mid-air and chokeslams him at 3:46. 1/2*

Rey isn't moving, so the EMTs strap him to a spine board. Show storms back down, shoves the EMTs aside, and slams the board into the ringpost with Rey still on it. Apparently, Vince McMahon was very upset with this spot because Rey was so unprotected.

In the back, Triple H, Ric Flair and Chris Jericho gloat about how great they are. You can tell Booker is getting the shaft because, of the individual feuds, he's stuck with Flair, who was practically a manager at this point.

Elsewhere, Stacy and Torrie are still going at it. Stacy stumbles backward, and a box of equipment falls on her head. Scott Steiner, ever the gentleman… ::cough::, tries to carry Stacy to get medical attention, but he runs into Test who wants to know what this is all uh-boot.

WWE Heavyweight Title: Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena.
I miss "Word Life." Both of these guys were in their first year, which made this kind of an odd choice for a PPV match. I appreciate the need to push new young stars, but neither of these guys was experienced enough to carry the other. By the way, to earn a title shot, John Cena won a tournament where he beat Chris Benoit, Eddy Guerrero and the Undertaker. He beat two of those guys cleanly and the other one lost because he got attacked by three other guys during the match. I'll leave it to you to figure out which one that is. Brock overpowers Cena early dragging him down into a front facelock and then turning that into a Fisherman's Suplex. They take it to the floor where Cena reverses a whip and sends Lesnar into the steps. Brock blades his forehead even though he went into the steps backfirst. Cena hit him with the chain on Smackdown, but still. Cena works the cut, but his offense is kind of aimless. He's just running through the moves he knows, and he doesn't really have any of the signature pop-the-crowd moves he has today. In one of those Bizarro World moments, Cena locks in a rear naked choke, and the fans actually start a "Let's go, Cena!" chant. And it's THE GUYS in the audience! Brock powers up, but Cena shoves him into the ref and delivers a low blow. It only gets two. Cena hits the Throwback and grabs the chain, but the ref won't let him use it. Cena stops to argue, allowing Brock to scoop him up into the F5 at 15:04. These guys were not yet ready for prime time, and Cena was coming off an injury, so it was disappointing. It certainly wasn't a bad match, but Cena and Lesnar became such big names, people probably would expect them to turn in a big performance. It didn't happen here. **1/4

Six-Man Tag: Booker T, Shawn Michaels & Kevin Nash vs. Triple H, Ric Flair & Chris Jericho.
Booker and Flair both get generic redubs of their music (I'm reviewing the 24/7 version). They threaten to start with Kevin Nash versus HHH, but Shawn and Jericho start. Jericho takes a beating from all three babyfaces. Hunter puts an end to that with a spinebuster on Booker. That leads to the match breaking down and Flair taking the superkick. Hunter saves him from taking the fall with a Pedigree on Shawn, though. The heels isolate Shawn and work over his knee. Nash gets the hot tag and cleans house, though. AND THE CROWD GOES… mild. Seriously, for all the hype these guys get, the match is heatless. Nash no-sells a bunch of Flair chops, tosses Jericho aside to block a bulldog, and backdrops out of the Pedigree. Jericho saves Hunter from the Jackknife but gets Scissors Kicked by Booker. SPINAROONIE! In the fracas, Shawn slams Flair off the top and tunes up the band. Jericho saves Flair from taking Sweet Chin Music, though, and Flair locks in the figure-four. Shawn won't give up, so Jericho hits him with the Lionsault. Nash comes in and tosses Flair into the ref, bumping him. Nash powerbombs Jericho, but Hunter grabs the sledgehammer and nails Nash for the win at 17:52. Weird, directionless match for the most part. It's kind of like each guy was paired off with the guy they were going to feud with and they did that rather than really putting together a tag match. Four of the six guys were pretty good at this point, however, so it's still a decent match. **1/2

Michael Cole and Tazz tells us Rey Mysterio's vitals are okay, but they don't know the extent of the damage.

Rock delivers one of his typically great promos, calling Terri Runnels "Lemon Panties" and telling her the only thing he hasn't done is make a white baby. He also calls Goldberg a "whiskerbiscuit bald-headed bitch." Well, there goes Goldberg's career in the WWE… and he hasn't even had his match yet.

The Rock vs. Goldberg.
Goldberg debuted by spearing the Rock to set up this match. Rock was trying his damndest to get the crowd to boo him, but EVERYTHING he did was so funny that they just loved him that much more. Goldberg gets a sizable chant for his entrance, and he tosses the Rock around like a ragdoll early. He hits the Rock with the Rock Bottom and readies for the Spear, but Rock sidesteps him and tosses him into the post. Rock puts him in the Sharpshooter, prompting Coachman to wonder if Goldberg has ever been in that position before. Hmm. Is there anyone else who faced Goldberg that might have used the Sharpshooter? Or, is there anyone who might have used a similar hold that was called something else? Goldberg makes the ropes, so Rock readies for the Rock Bottom. Goldberg suddenly Spears him, but he uses his injured shoulder. Rock recovers first. He can't chop Goldberg down with clotheslines, so he Spears him and kips up to a HUGE pop. Goldberg kicks after a Rock Bottom, drawing boos from the audience. The People's Elbow only gets two, and Goldberg hulks up. He Spears Rock, who sells it like Bruce Lee just reached into his stomach and yanked out his lower intestine. Goldberg sets up for another one as the crowd chants, "Goldberg sucks." Rock dusts himself off but turns into another Spear. Jackhammer and we're out at 13:03. In retrospect, this was a massive booking blunder, killing Goldberg's WWE career before it even got started. The Rock was entertaining, but there wasn't a lot of *there* there to the match. **1/2

The 411: Meh. This show has a lot of middling matches and one very good opener. A lot of people remember the Goldberg debut, but that's more for the Rock's antics than anything Goldberg did. Brock vs. Cena was a good feud, but both guys were too green to carry each other to a great match. Not really good enough to recommend, but a bad show either.

Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.

Final Score:  6.0   [ Average ]