The Name on the Marquee: Andre the Giant (1985)

Posted by Adam Nedeff on 05.30.2008

Coliseum Video salutes the Eighth Wonder of the World.

-For those who want to keep track, I’m reviewing this from the original Coliseum Video release, and not the DVD re-release that WWE pulled out of nowhere a few years back.

-This was released in quite a transitional period for Andre, as his lifelong battle with acromegaly and a nagging leg injury both took their toll on him a few years before this, so this video covers rather varying stages of mobility and ring ability for him.

-Narrated by Lord Alfred Hayes, who, in kayfabe and “real life,” gets a lot of credit for discovering Andre and talking him into considering wrestling as a career to begin with.

ANDRE THE GIANT & CHIEF JAY STRONGBOW vs. BLACKJACK LANZA & STAN STASIAK
-JIP at a hot tag to Andre, who looks more like Epstein the Giant. Andre just headbutts and whips the hell out of both opponents…and…that’s it…Uh, okay, I guess we don’t have to count that toward the point score.

ANDRE THE GIANT vs. MOONDOG REX
-Alfred says that this match was chosen because “it’s quite a typical Andre the Giant match.” This was just after the Moondogs dropped the tag team titles and they were both still treated as credible threats, which is why it’s so puzzling that this amounts to little more than a squash by Andre. Rex gets cold feet and hides in the ropes, but Andre kicks him to show he’s serious. Rex goes for a lock-up, and Andre chops him down to the mat and lifts him by the belt to show off. Headlock, but Rex escapes and crams as many dirty tactics into 15 seconds as is humanly possible, but Andre comes back with an Irish whip that Rex sells like a champ. Andre chops away at him and catches him with a boot. Splash off the ropes gets the pin, which at this point was “academical.” Thank you, Lord Alfred Rhodes. 0 for 1. Well, Alfred promised “a typical Andre match” and that’s what we got. So one-sided that I’d have to guess that this was either a homecoming after one of Andre’s frequent tours in other areas, or the Moondogs were on their way out of the company.

BATTLE ROYAL
-Your line-up is Andre, Sgt. Slaughter, Adrian Adonis & Dick Murdoch, Big John Studd, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Pat “Paterson,” Hulk Hogan, “Salvitore Balomo,” Paul Orndorff, Tiger “Chun” Lee, Iron Sheik, Alexis Smirnoff, Mil Mascaras(!), and Tito Santana. You know, I can understand three misspelled names if it’s a mainstream sportswriter talking about the first show he’s ever been to, but if it’s an in-house production, can’t you send in, say, a moderately-competent ringboy to do fact-checking? Alfred & Gorilla even have to go to the trouble of announcing names of wrestlers not shown in the opening crawl. Les Thornton, Hangman, and Victor Rivera are also in this one.

-Lost in all the typos is that we actually have one hell of a stacked roster for this match, and if it wasn’t for the fact that the name of the damn video was “Andre the Giant,” there might have been in for a shred of suspense. Lots of punching and kicking and the crowd is unusually amped for this. Lots of punching and punch-like maneuvers. While we’re waiting for this to end, the sight of Paul Orndorff leads me to ask if anybody besides me ever wondered why that guy owned multiple pairs of tights monogrammed “O.P.” Because that’s usually not a mistake that you would allow to happen more than once. Granted, the correct initials would have been “P.O.” and that might have made the TV station managers unhappy, but if those are your two choices, then why bother having monogrammed tights at all?

-Andre is nearly eliminated by Murdoch & Adonis but he fights them off as Gorilla scorns them for “hiding” and avoiding the other wrestlers throughout the match. Yes, that’s why they both went after the largest man in the ring, because they’re hiding.

-Your final four are Murdoch, Adonis, Smirnoff, and Andre. The three of them attempt to drag Andre to the ropes and fail, so they push him to the opposite side. Andre fights off an elimination by booting Smirnoff and then hitting a wicked-looking atomic drop to eliminate him. Murdoch tries to attack from behind but Andre calmly bends over and flips him over the top. Adonis goes out last with a Flair flip, and Andre is your winner. 0 for 2.

HANDICAP MATCH: ANDRE THE GIANT vs. BLACK GORDMAN & GREAT GOLIATH
When I first got this tape years ago, I dismissed Gordman & Goliath as just a pair of jobbers, but now, having read Freddie Blassie’s autobiography, I’m actually a little surprised to see them used this way. In a bit of weirdness, this match is obviously NOT from a WWF broadcast but the Los Angeles area in 1976. Alfred notes that no fans were seated in the front row for this match because of Andre’s penchant for throwing his opponents out of the ring without regard to where they landed.

-G&G attempt a double-handshake, but Andre squeezes them and tosses them. Goliaath goes for a lock-up, but Andre shoves him out of the ring into the front row. Gordman tags in and attempts a bodyslam. Andre counters and teases a press slam, but instead calmly puts the frightened Gordman down on the top rope and slaps him. Gordman begs off and attempts a comeback, but Andre chops him and I think Gordman’s had about enough. Goliath comes in and attempts a go-behind, but Andre thrusts backwards, and the awesome power of an enormous French ass catapults the gallant Goliath to the floor. Back in the ring, G&G attempt a double leg scissors, but Andre kicks out, and NOW he looks a little annoyed. Andre whips Gordman from corner to corner, but misses a charge. Gordman pulls an equalizer out of his tights. Chavo Classic is doing color, by the way. Andre comes back with a full nelson into a bodyscissors, which actually looked cool. Goliath runs in to help and of course he gets trapped in the same move. G&G escape and try the leg scissors again, but Andre counters with a double monkey flip. He teases the press slam again, but this time he follows through and drops Gordman on top of Goliath and pins both of them. Actually pretty fun, as squashes go. 1 for 3, believe it or not. Andre’s skill, as many have noted, was that he was great at picking his spots, and he timed his struggles and his comebacks really well in this one.

ANDRE THE GIANT vs. JACK EVANS, JOHNNY RODZ, & JOE BUTCHER NOVA
-Joe Butcher Nova has to be one of the most fascinating names for a jobber ever. It sounds like he tore up an old wrestling program, then pulled three random names out of the pieces. Andre rams all three of them in the corner to start, then just hammers away at each of them. We get the same full nelson/bodyscissors spot from the last match, but with three guys instead of two. They even do the monkey flip afterward. Way to protect the business, everybody. The heels pile onto Andre and force him into a corner, but Andre just whips his head forward to throw them off. He tosses Evans out of the ring. Rodz & Nova try to tackle him from opposite sides, but Andre simply lays down and they tackle & K.O. each other. Andre drags Evans back in the ring, stacks him on top of the pile, and gets the pin. The Los Angeles match was more fun. 1 for 4.

BOXING MATCH: ANDRE THE GIANT vs. GORILLA MONSOON
-"Hurry home early...hurry on home...Andre the Giant's fightin' Gorilla Mon...soon." Aw, damn, it doesn't fit, I was hoping to build a complete song parody there. Hayes whips out an interesting bit of trivia, noting that this match makes Gorilla the only man ever to have wrestled Muhammed Ali and boxed Andre the Giant (although you REEEEALLLY have to stretch your definition of “wrestling match” for the Ali part to be accurate). Legendary boxer Jersey Joe Walcott is the guest referee for this bout, taking place in “Robert” Clemente Stadium (have you ever heard anybody make that mistake before now?) in Puerto Rico. Hayes notes that the match took place right after a tropical storm, which gets paid off later.

-Gorilla is playing heel for whatever reason, even though he’d been working as a face for years in the WWWF by this point. That alone is good reason to watch this match, as Gorilla tries (and fails) to intimidate Andre with some lightfooted Ali-style “dancing” pre-match.

-ROUND 1: Andre gets an early advantage and Monsoon retreats for a moment until Walcott makes him come back. Gorilla backs Andre into a corner but Andre drills him with a worked punch and Gorilla retreats again. Gorilla goes for the unusual strategy of working the leg in a boxing match, and Andre fights back with clubbing blows to the back. Gorilla retaliates with a chop and I’m starting to think this match might not be on the up-and-up, if you get my drift. Interesting moment as Hayes notes that Monsoon’s cornerman for this bout is current WWE Spanish commentator Hugo Savinovitch.

-ROUND 2: Gorilla backs Andre into a corner and fires away, and actually succeeds in knocking him over. Gorilla, feeling very confident, begins dancing again, but Andre doesn’t like showoffs and retaliates by headbutting him and sitting on him, and Hayes helpfully notes that “there is no boxing glove covering that area of Andre.” Walcott reprimands both men. Andre nods politely and knocks Gorilla on his ass immediately for a 9-count. Gorilla backs into a corner and Andre fires away as the bell rings.

-ROUND 3: Gorilla fires away on him against the ropes and catches him with a series of axehandles, but Andre fires back and gets the K.O. Andre celebrates by stepping on Monsoon.

-Postmatch, Gorilla makes it back to his feet and tries to take it out to the floor…er, field, I guess, but Andre fires back and K.O.s Monsoon again, sending him into a giant puddle. 1 for 5. A worked boxing match isn’t as much fun as you’d think…Actually, come to think of it, it’s exactly as much fun as you’d think. Although watching Gorilla work as a comic heel was pretty fun.

ANDRE THE GIANT & SUPERFLY JIMMY SNUKA (with Buddy Rogers) vs. WILD SAMOANS (with Captain Lou Albano)
-This is an example of how Andre was typically used in an “equalizer” role during his face years. A face would wind up in a feud with one guy to start but end up feuding with two or three because the heels were well-connected. When the inevitable tag team match was signed, the face would reveal that their tag team partner would be Andre. In this case, Snuka is feuding with former manager Lou Albano, who retaliated by throwing the Samoans at him, and now we get Snuka & Andre as a team.

-Snuka & Afa start with a lock-up and Snuka gets double-teamed early for the Samoan advantage. Sika comes in and chokes away, and we’re back to double-teaming. Andre gets frustrated and comes in to stop the nefariousness, but Snuka can’t take advantage of the opening and the Samoans keep the advantage. Snuka gets a few shots to the throat but Sika still manages to cut him off from the tag. Double chop and a splash by Afa for a two-count. Double shoulderblock KOs both legal men. Superfly Morton ALMOST makes the tag but is blocked by a headbutt. Double headbutt for good measure. Andre gets frustrated again and attacks, but again, Snuka can’t take advantage. Chokehold by Sika, but Snuka comes back with a chop. He goes for a tag and gets blocked again, and again, Andre gets irritated and attacks. Double-team attempt is dodged and Snuka FINALLY gets the tag and Andre just raises a unique blend of 23 different types of hell, and the crowd pops huge for all of it. Headbutt by Andre, but since we’re dealing with Samoans, he hurts himself. So for those keeping track, the Headbutt Intensity Rankings stand at #1. Samoans; #2. Andre the Giant; #3. Black people not named Ranger Ross. #4. Retarded guys/Hillbillies (tie). Finish sees Superfly execute a splash of Andre’s shoulders. 2 for 6 and I’m actually a little surprised to be giving this one a point, but the resting was surprisingly short and the Samoans kept the extended heat segment interesting.

ANDRE THE GIANT vs. MASKED SUPERSTAR
-The Machines (pre-emptively) explode! Lock-up and Andre shoves him into the corner, which Superstar blames on mask-pulling. To prove him wrong, Andre does it again. This has to be the end of Superstar’s run with the company because Gorilla Monsoon & Pat Patterson are just totally ignoring the fact that there’s another guy in the ring and swapping Andre trivia instead. A quick check of History of WWE confirms this…The next time Superstar was in MSG was as one of the Machines 2 ½ years later. Side headlock but Andre sends him into the ropes and skillfully rams him with his ass, then steps on his chest for good measure. Man, Superstar is getting nothing here. Andre rams him into the corner and Superstar finally gets some offense including an Irish whip, which is kind of a big deal when you’re dealing with Andre. He hammers away and gets a cobra clutch. Clever counter by Andre; after struggling and failing to get out of the hold, Andre uses his free arm to go for the mask, which startles Superstar so much that he releases the hold. Boot to the chest and a splash wins the match. Andre goes for the mask but Superstar escapes. 2 for 7.

ANDRE THE GIANT & SPECIAL DELIVERY JONES vs. KEN PATERA & BIG JOHN STUDD (with Bobby Heenan)
-Andre is now the face caught in a 3-on-1 feud, and when the time comes to pick his partner, he chooses SD Jones? Not to be a jerk, Andre, but you’re getting exactly what you deserve for that.

-Jones & Patera start and Jones gets an armdrag. He decides to quit while he’s ahead and tags in Andre. Despite their mutual love of Big Macs, Andre & Patera have a strong dislike for each other and Andre headbutts his arm. SD Jones, feeling the momentum, tags back in and is promptly mauled by the heels. Studd stomps away and then tags in Patera. Bruno Sammartino, on commentary, speculates that the heels may try to pin Jones so that he can’t make the tag to Andre. Thanks, Bruno. Jones does make the tag, but as soon as he does, Patera launches him over the top rope and Jones bangs his head on the guard rail to KO himself. That’s the opening needed, and the heels just destroy Andre until he’s unconscious too. Referee calls for the DQ and Bobby Heenan hands Studd a pair of scissors. Studd cuts Andre’s hair, and in the moment that unexpectedly made this legendary, Vince McMahon uses the word “rape” three or four times to describe what’s happening to Andre. Brief match, good angle. 3 for 8.

ANDRE THE GIANT vs. KEN PATERA (with Bobby Heenan)
-Payback, part one of two. Andre punches, chops, and headbutts Patera out of the ring. Patera keeps ducking out of the ring until Andre gets frustrated and rams he & Heenan together. Back in the ring, Andre chokes and shakes Patera, and Gene “Father of the Year” Okerlund notes that Andre is choking and shaking him “like a child.” Andre no-sells some offense from Patera and keeps up the headbutts and choking. Patera blocks a backdrop and punches away, but goes for a bodyslam and naturally that doesn’t go well. Atomic drop by Andre sends Patera out of the ring but Andre yanks him back in and boots him in the face. Andre sits on Patera’s neck, then steps on him. Out on the floor, he whips Patera like a dirty yard dog into the guard rail. Andre goes back in the ring and argues with the referee, and Heenan comes off the top rope with a set of brass knuckles to take care of Andre himself, but Andre makes his own comeback as the referee calls for the bell. Andre is back on his feet, and there are no words in the English language that make me happier than “Bobby Heenan is going to take bumps.” Andre rams Patera & Heenan into a corner, then Irish whips Patera into the opposite corner. He whips Heenan across the ring, Patera ducks and lays down to avoid the collision and Heenan leaps over him, crashes into the turnbuckles, and straddles himself on the top rope, where Andre finishes him off by Irish whipping Patera into him, and the collision causes Heenan to fall to the arena floor. Glorious. 4 for 8.

ANDRE THE GIANT INTERVIEW FROM “TNT”
-This is hype for Wrestlemania, where Studd will put up $15,000 if he gets bodyslammed. Vince just badgers the hell out of Andre about how one-sided it is for Studd to put up $15,000 and Andre to put up nothing. Vince hints that the Giant is a coward and Andre finally snaps, teases attacking Vince, and promises to retire if he loses. Andre storms off the set, and Vince throws a cup at him in retaliation and walks in the opposite direction. Nice work, with Vince being an uncharacteristic pest and Andre slowly burning about it until he just lost it. 5 for 9.

$15,000 BODYSLAM MATCH: ANDRE THE GIANT vs. BIG JOHN STUDD (with Bobby Heenan)
-From Wrestlemania I, just like this copy-pasted recap. If Andre slams Studd, Studd has to pay $15,000 straight cash to Andre. If Studd slams Andre, Andre has to retire. Clubbing forearms from Studd, chops & headbutts from Andre. Andre with a lot of his offensive moves that don’t have names, like the spot where he forces his own knee and Studd’s head downward while ramming them together, and the spot where he has Studd in the corner and thrusts himself backward over and over again. Andre bearhugs Studd…and bearhugs him…and bearhugs him…and bearhugs him. More random moves from both guys, but then Andre shows a little bit of intelligence for the finish, kicking Studd’s legs over and over again, and after sufficiently weakening the legs, Andre calmly picks him up and slams him for the $15,000 at 5:53. 5 for 10.

As always, go to Game Show Utopia to see what I'm busy being obsessed with when I'm not being obsessed with old wrestling videos.

The 411: Given the company's change in attitude towards history, they could actually put out a much better release today. Egregious omissions here would be Andre's feuds with Ernie Ladd & Killer Khan, considered the best work of Andre's career. They also (understandably) left out the bloody 1980 feud with Hulk Hogan. A good Andre compilation could easily be done, but this wasn't it.

Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]