RB Report: CHIKARA Two Eyebrows Are Better Than One

CHIKARA Two Eyebrows Are Better Than One
January 27, 2008
Hellertown, PA

*Ultramantis Black is backstage. He finds Cheech and Cloudy morally despicable. He and Crossbones are going to break their bones like crackers. 2008 will be the year of the Order.

*The Order of the Neo Solar Temple vs. Cheech and Cloudy
Mantis’ white and black mask is tremendous. Cheech starts things out by getting a two-count with a GREAT pinning combination over Mantis. They do a wacky spot that I’ve seen a million times in CHIKARA and it’s just not funny anymore. Cloudy and Crossbones go at it. The weight difference is HUGE. Cloudy literally runs circles around Crossbones, causing Crossbones to get tired. Cloudy telegraphs an axe handle and gets a boot to the stomach. The CROSSBONES LUCHA that was debuted at the last show makes it’s return. Crossbones uses his size and power advantage in an attempt to neutralize Cloudy. Mantis takes advantage of Cloudy being weakened and tags in. He wears him down on the mat. Dragon kicks by Crossbones. They tease Cloudy making a comeback, but he’s suplexed. Devastating side slam only scores two when Cheech breaks up the pin. Mantis gets back to work on him. Cheech distracts Mantis and Cloudy pulls an ace crusher out of nowhere. Cheech gets tagged in. Manhattan AND atomic drop to Mantis. He can’t quite do the same to Crossbones. A kick to the face and a clothesline does the trick, however. Hurricanrana KILLS Mantis. Mantis goes to the outside, by Cloudy nails a plancha. Crossbones finds himself leaning on the second rope. PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF CHEECH! They can’t get him up for the powerbomb/enziguri combo. The teams exchange double team maneovers. Mantis and Cloudy trade pin attempts until Mantis NAILS the TIGER DRIVER ’91! He covers and the Order win(10:38)! YES!

Rating: ***1/4. Really great opener. Tons of fun and they didn’t go overkill with the BIG MOOVZ~! Just two teams constantly trying to one-up each other. I also love the Order actually getting a win as they’re usually used for jobbing to other teams, and Cheech and Cloudy rarely lose. Hopefully the Order get a legit push and bring some freshness to the CHIKARA main event scene which has grown to be very stale.

*Kaiji Big Battel (sic) announcer Louden Noxious comes out. I can’t even begin to describe Kaiju, so here’s a link to their site: http://www.kaiju.com/. They had a showcase match in CHIKARA back at ‘Anniversario!’ last year and it SUCKED and completely killed the crowd. Please, no more Kaiju. This announcer guy is really annoying. He announces an inter-species three-way.

*Moravian Greyhound vs. Zombie Plantain vs. Hydra
The Greyhound is in one of those big mascot suits that CHIKARA loves to use. Zombie Plantain is from Kaiji, he’s in a huge, retarded costume. No one in the audience finds this to be funny. Seriously, they all look like they feel really awkward because they know it’s SUPPOSED to be funny, but…isn’t. The saviour of this soon-to-be trainwreck, Hydra eventually comes out to a huge pop. Hydra is fucking incredible. CHARISMA OVERLOAD! It’s impossible not to smile while watching Hydra. Louden Noxious joins Mike Quackenbush on commentary for this one. Hydra and Greyhound start. The dog starts out aggressive, but Hydra pets it and it stops. Hydra STOMPS ON IT’S TAIL! RUDO TO THE BONE! The dog goes after him again, but he gives it a treat. Something happens to offend Hydra and I don’t understand. Hydra scolds the dog and smacks it with his shirt. Hydra’s leg is clipped. Hydra tags out to Zombie Plantain. Plantain moves reaaaalllyy slowly. BECAUSE HE’S A ZOMBIE! LOLOZLROFLOLOLXZOLZOZLZOZLZLZOLZZOZLOZOZ! Yes, it’s that funny. I kind of drift off for a while and when I come back, Mantis is out and doing something. Zombie and Hydra hit a double chokeslam to Greyhound and pin him and it’s thankfully over(5:20).

Rating: I thought CHIKARA had out-grown this kind of retarded crap. I know they still do comedy matches – hell, I enjoy them – but not to the level of this trainwreck. This is the kind of stuff that feels like it’s shoved in your face and it feels like whoever booked it is screaming, “THIS IS FUNNY, LAUGH!!” at you the entire time. I probably would’ve loved this if I was six years old.

*Vin Gerard is outside with all his stuff. He has to get ready for his match outside because the rest of the locker room won’t let him outside. He’s particularly angry and Lince Dorado, El Pantera, Shane Storm and the Colony. He’s already went through Shane Storm and tonight he’s going after Worker Ant of the Colony.

*Vin Gerard vs. “The Perennial AOTYC!” Worker Ant
HOLY EYELINER OVERLOAD VIN GERARD! Christ, tone it down a bit, lad. “WAH, I WEAR EYELINER BECAUSE I’M SO SAD!” – Worker Ant. The man is now my hero. Gerard utilizes the same tactics that were successful for him against Shane Storm, rushing Worker Ant from the bell. It doesn’t do well against Worker Ant who fights back well against Vin. Vin opts not to play into Worker’s lucha game and stomps him. He gets sent to the outside and starts screaming about lucha being “no more”. He catches Worker Ant when he attempts a tope. Back in, Vin chops away and mocks Worker Ant’s stable-mate Soldier Ant. I’m pretty certain it’s a new ring being used. Leg kicks by Vin Gerard. SHADES OF PEDRO RIZZO AT UFC 27~! A SICK hip attack in the corner destroys Worker Ant. Vin dares him to fight back and eats a big slap. ATOMIC DROP by Worker and a clothesline drops Gerard. Worker Ant puts Vin Gerard’s old Equinox mask on him. Vin is disgusted and rips the mask off on the outside. Plancha by Worker Ant. Rude Awakening neckbreaker is countered by Worker Ant to a backslide and Vin is spiked by a DDT. Worker takes him to the top rope, but is thrown off. Equinox teases a flippy-do, but he doesn’t do that crap anymore. Worker slips out of the STF that beat Shane Storm. BIG powerslam by Worker Ant. He tries to feed Vin his own medicine with a standing SSP, but Vin moves and hits the Rude Awakening. After some jawing with the fans, the STF finishes Worker Ant(8:40).

Gerard tries to go through the back curtain, but Shane Storm, Hallowicked and Create-A-Wrestler stop him. I guess MosCow is dead.

Rating: **. Fine match, but for some reason I didn’t like it as much as I did the Vin-Storm match. Probably because Storm’s such a great babyface and it’s so easy to get behind him. This match seemed a bit shaky and both came off as green, but the story was good and I was into it.

*Kylie Pearce vs. Sara Del Rey
I’ve seen Pearce before on a CZW show, Tournament of Death 5, I believe. She wrestled ECW SUPAHSTAH Chad Austin and beat him by smashing a lighttube on him. CZ F’N W STYLE~! However, Sara Del Rey is a much better competitor than Chad Austin, and Kylie is gonna get mauled. Del Rey starts by stiffing the crap out of Kylie. Sara pulls on the hair of Pearce. Rudo Sara makes me sad. Sara tries to mount some offense, but Sara pounds her straight back down and throws her across the ring by her hair. Kylie again tries to take it to Del Rey, but gets killed with a heart kick. Death doesn’t manage to put Kylie away and Sara is forced to continue to the beating. OCTOPUS STRETCH by Kylie out of nowhere! Kylie ascends to the top rope, Sara pulls her head down and hits an astonishingly brutal axe kick to the back of her head. The Royal Butterfly finishes Kylie off(4:57).

Rating: **1/2. Really good. This was like the Eddie Kingston vs. Tim Donst of the female world. Kylie sure did take a beating and I wouldn’t mind seeing her back. Rudo Sara is cool, too.

*Eddie Kingston talks about beating Hallowicked at ‘Chapter 11’ and proving that he’s the best student to ever come out of CHIKARA. He thinks Shane Storm thinks that he won’t be all there because he’s just came off his big match with Hallowicked, but Kingston doesn’t sleep on any opponent. “Sleep is the cousin of death, my friend.” This man is incredible.

*Eddie Kingston vs. Shane Storm
Kingston is wearing face paint. He’s easily my favourite wrestler right now. No other wrestler out there brings the “big-match feel” with them EVERY single match. Kingston does. Hell, I got butterflies for this and it’s a nothing match against Shane Storm. Anyway, this should be great, Storm is a tremendous babyface and Kingston is Kingston. Kingston surprises me by taking it to the mat to start. He puts Storm in a kimura and goes to a headlock. Storm puts an end to that and uses his lucha skills to rock Kingston. Storm is thrown onto the apron and Kingston knocks him to the outside with not only a Yakuza kick, but a springboard PUNCH! Vicious. Kingston teases a tope, but casually exits the ring instead. Storm’s nose is busted. Kingston takes the blood and wipes it on his face. He bites Storm through the mask. He fishhooks the nose. Back in, Kingston puts the boots to him. Storm tries to fire back, but a headbutt subdues him. A kick right to the face does the trick, too. Camel clutch. The beating continues until Kingston eats boot and Storm slaps him HARD. Kingston is pissed and sends Storm back to the mat. THE STRAPS ARE DOWN! He tosses Storm out the ring and challenges a fan to get in with him. Headbutt by Kingston. The thud was sickening. Kingston gets dumped and Storm misses a dive to the outside. Back in, Kingston delivers elbows to the head of the downed Storm. He ducks a roaring elbow and Kingston is drilled with a DDT. GERMAN SUPLEX DUMPS KINGSTON RIGHT ON HIS HEAD! That only gets two! LARIAT fucking takes Storm’s head off and he kicks out at two! A Michinoku Driver variation also fails to put the Stormer away. A Saito suplex is blocked and Storm is about fucking killed with a disgusting German suplex. He quickly gets up and hits THAT JAPANESE MOVE~!~!~!~!~! as Kingston is getting up! Both men are out.They trade hard strikes. Headbutt rocks both men until Storm unloads on a pair of them. SLAPS by Kingston and a spinning heel kick by Storm connects. The blood is just pouring out of Storm’s mask. Saito is blocked and THAT JAPANESE MOVE connects with the jaw of Kingston. He manages to kick out! The fans are loving it. Kingston pounds on the lower back. TWO BACK DROP DRIVERS! STORM IS ON HIS FEET! BACKFIST TO THE FUTURE! IT’S OVER(15:06)! The fans give them a standing ovation and a “that was awesome” chant.

Replays of this match are shown. Some of the stuff in this match was just disgusting.

Rating: ****. Well, I’ll be damned if that wasn’t one of the craziest matces I’ve EVER seen. Off the top of my head, it’s certainly the stiffest CHIKARA matches I’ve ever seen. I agree with the fans, that WAS awesome. It seemed like just your regular match until Storm decided he wasn’t taking Kingston’s crap anymore and they just laid into each other. Crazy spectacle. That’s two straight MOTYC’s from Kingston, talk about an MVP.

*Jimmy and Colin Olsen come out. Colin is covered in bandages from his Tuesday night beatdowns on ECW. He needs Jimmy’s help getting to the ring. CHIKARA Director of Fun Leonard F. Chikarason comes out. He announces that as Colin is not fit for action, Jimmy will take part in a singles match tonight. Apparently Jimmy is oblivious to what Colin does on his Tuesday nights. Colin tells him that he “fell down the stairs”. Anyway, Sabian comes out for a match with Jimmy.

*Jimmy Olsen vs. Sabian
Sabian is sporting some nifty new tights. They feel each other out to start. Both men are of equal size and strength and can’t gain the advantage over each other. Sabian takes him down to the mat and lands the dreaded SNOT ROCKET~! A pair of dropkicks by Jimmy sends Sabian out. Jimmy chases and they go back into the ring where Sabian lands a drop toe hold in the corner and lands a brutal dropkick. Sabian controls and gets two off of an Eddie slingshot senton. Sabian chokes him. Jimmy can’t get quite enough momentum behind him to mount a serious comeback. He eventually manages to do and gets a series of two-counts. Those are followed with a ‘rana and a two-foot enziguri. Both men are feeling it. Clothesline and a BIG back body drop by Jimmy. Jimmy looks INTENSE. Double knee drop over the back of Sabian and a German suplex gets a near-fall. Momentum goes Sabian’s way and he lands a Frog Splash from about 9/10s across the ring. They battle over a waistlock and Jimmy is pushed into Colin who is on the apron. Sabian lands a double stomp across the back of Jimmy’s head and it’s over(10:07).

Rating: **3/4. Good stuff. Both guys looked good and hit all their stuff cleanly, which rarely happens in a CHIKARA ring.

*The Colony (Fire Ant and Soldier Ant) vs. Team FIST (Gran Akuma and Icarus)
Fire Ant and Icarus start out and they have each other scouted. Icarus finally has enough and tags out to the “Mysterious Warrior from Afar”. Icarus blind-sides Fire Ant and all four men are in. They do a cutesy spot with the Colony kicking both members of FIST away and sending them to the outside. Tope by Soldier and hilo by Fire Ant. Fire Ant gets his head rammed hard into the post by Icarus and Soldier Ant takes a Total Elimination-esque move. Soldier Ant is isolated in the FIST corner. Akuma works the leg. Icarus chooses to not do much damage, instead just rubbing salt into Soldier’s wounds with some heel-ish tactics. Akuma powerbombs Icarus onto Soldier Ant. Akuma begins stretching him out and Icarus is tagged in. Soldier mounts a comeback, and dives to the floor out to Icarus, which counts as a lucha tag. Fire Ant is in and he’s FIRED up! ANT’S GO MARCHING! That only gets two over Akuma when Icarus breaks up the pin. Super Fireman’s Carry kills Icarus. Akuma hits the spider exploder out the corner to Soldier, but eats a Fire Ant dropkick. Fire Ant goes for a superplex, but Icarus jumps up and murders him with a lungblower. TKO by Soldier to Icarus. Akuma is double-teamed. Icarus puts a stop to that and lands a big pump-handle slam to Soldier. Akuma follows that with a moonsault and only gets two. Okay, they’re going overboard now. Icarus counters the Beach Break, but can’t land the Pedigree. BIG spinebuster by Icarus. Arn Anderson is rolling over in his proverbial grave. Fire Ant counters an Akuma tombstone into a kinda reverse sunset flip…driver. That’s enough to put him away(11:28).

Rating: **1/2. Okay stuff, went a couple of minutes too long and I know I say it all the time, but I hate matches with multiple guys hitting hundreds of finishers before the end. Although, evidenced by the Kingston-Storm match, I love it when it’s done in singles matches. I’m a weird lad.

*Larry Sweeney, wearing a Colt Cabana shirt, talks smack on Hallowicked.

*”Sweet ‘n’ Sour” Larry Sweeney vs. Hallowicked
Both men are former holders of the Young Lions Cup. At the last show, Hallowicked lost a feud-ending falls count anywhere bout to Eddie Kingston in a MOTYC. Not much has been going on with Sweeney as of late. Like with Chris Hero and Claudio Castagnoli, it just seems like there’s nothing for him to do in CHIKARA. Hallowicked is great. If he ever goes the way of Jigsaw, I’ll be very upset. That said, the departure of Jigsaw never bothered me, the guy’s really bland. They feel each other out and Sweeney bails, claiming Wicked pulled his hair. Sweeney takes Hallowicked down to the mat with a great takedown. He bails again when Hallowicked armdrags him. Larry Sweeney is OUTRAGED that the fans like Hallowicked more. They finally lock up again and Sweeney begins his stalling again. He gets ‘rana’d, but recovers quickly and begins his methodical pounding away on Hallowicked. He works over the left leg. Hallowicked catches him and slingshots him into the corner, but Sweeney takes him out of his game with a throat thrust. Sweeney keeps him grounded for a while until he’s kicked to the outside and Wicked follows with a plancha. He seems to have just aggravated his leg. Sweeney is thrown shoulder-first into the ring post and they head back in the ring. Super snapmare by Hallowicked, but he can’t get the shoulders down. Sweeney rebounds and lands a GORDBUSTER! You don’t see enough Gordbusters. ‘Wicke hurts his leg attempting a Yakuza kick and Sweeney capitalises with a Fisherman’s Suplex. RYDEEN BOMB BY ‘WICKED! That only gets two. The Monster Mash also only gets two. Sweeney goes for the ’68 Comeback Special, but it’s countered and Hallowicked nails a Yakuza kick for the victory(13:31).

Rating: ***. Good match, they worked a storyline in throughout, which I appreciate. Both men are capable of better, though.

*Trios Incredibles
Mike Quackenbush, Tim Donst & Amasis vs. Claudio Castagnoli, Lince Dorado & Ophidian
Ophidian and Amasis come out together, but are on seperate teams for this wacky match-up. This is pretty much the two trainers of the CHIKARA Wrestle Factory – Claudio and Quack – teaming with the last four graduated of the academy. All four of the trainees are already mad-talented, which makes me very hopeful for the future of the company. I can’t wait for some Amasis-Claudio interaction. Donst and Claudio start us out. They roll around on the mat for a while before tagging out to Amasis and Lince, respectively. Amasis refuses to shake hands. They do some really convoluted Lucha. Amasis dumps Lince on his ass, but Lince quickly rebounds and sends Amasis to the outside. Quack and Ophidian in. Quack gets the better of him on the ground. They trade submissions for a while, but Quack ultimately gets the better of everything. LUCHA POP by Quack and a series of armdrags is followed by a half-crab. BIG backbreaker causes Ophidian to swiftly tag out to Lince. Donst in. Donst wants to take it to the mat, but Lince manages to counter that with speed. He is eventually taken down and a side headlock is applied. Donst gets him up for a slam, but it’s reversed and they trade pins. INDY STAND-OFF~! That was a really good exchange they just had. Claudio and Quack getting in together pops the crowd, and rightly so, these two are just fantastic together. I need to watch Negative Balance tonight. Claudio manages to press him above his head, but Mike gets out of it and hits a crazy spinning armdrag. MONKEY FLIP! Claudio bails and Ophidian gets in, so Quack tags out to Amasis. This could be interesting! Ophidian has no problem taking his team-mate down. They have a fast exchange and Amasis dances! Ophidian busts out some very smooth Lucha. Victory roll by Ophidian only gets two and they exchange near-falls. Ophidian fakes a handshake and chops. Lince and Quack are tagged in. Quack ties him up in a whacky submission. Donst is tagged in and it appears they’re isolating Lince. Amasis has a shot at Lince, too. He eventually manages to tag out to Claudio, who instantly takes out both Amasis and Donst while Quack just stays on the apron. Claudio, Donst, Amasis and Lince go to the outside, which allows Quack to hit a dive out to Claudio. Back in, Ophidian, Lince and Claudio all work over the leg of Donst. Lince even hits a standing moonsault on the leg. All three men display some pretty innovative stuff to work over the leg. Donst eventually manages to tag out to Quack, who unleashes on Ophidian and hits the most vicious BTS I’ve ever seen. Ophidian is whipped into the ropes, but runs up them and moonsaults across the ring. He jumps onto Quack’s back and locks in the Cobra Clutch. Quack collapses and Donst breaks it up. Claudio in. STO TO CLAUDIO! Claudio goes straight after the leg again. The match breaks down somewhat. Quack gets the CHIKARA Special on Lince, but Claudio breaks it up. Ophidian gets the Cobra Clutch on Donst and they try to do the Hart-Piper finish, but Ophidian kicks out at two. Claudio just unloads on uppercuts to Quack and takes him to the top rope. Claudio is thrown off. DRAGON ‘RANA BY QUACK! ONE-TWO-NO! Claudio managed to kick out. He signals for the Quackendriver III, but he can’t get Claudio up for it. BIG BOOT BY CLAUDIO! He goes for the Ricola, but Amasis breaks it up. RICOOOOLA TO AMASIS AND IT’S ALL OVER! (26:28)

Rating: ***3/4. Wow, what a match! An entirely different beast from Kingston-Storm earlier in the night, in that they built it up slowly with each man feeling the guys from the other team out and then both teams deciding, “fuck that”, and dishing out brutal beat-downs to one member of the opposite team. Eventually, both teams decided they didn’t want to do that anymore and each man just decided that they wanted the match over quickly and gave it their all. Fantastic.

Current MOTY list:
1) BJ Whitmer vs. Jimmy Jacobs (IWA:MS 500th Show) (****1/2)
2) BJ Whitmer vs. Jimmy Jacobs (IWA:MS April Bloodshowers) (****1/2)
3) Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels (WWE Wrestlemania 24) (****1/4)
4) Naruki Doi and Masato Yoshino vs. BxB Hulk and Shingo (DG Infinity 77) (****)
5) Eddie Kingston vs. Shane Storm (CHIKARA Two Eyebrows Are Better Than One) (****)
6) Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle (TNA Lockdown) (***3/4)
7) Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho (WWE Judgement Day) (***3/4)
8) Mike Quackenbush, Tim Donst and Amasis vs. Claudio Castagnoli, Lince Dorado and Ophidian (CHIKARA Two Eyebrows are Better Than One) (***3/4)
9) Randy Orton vs. Triple H vs. John Cena (WWE Wrestlemania 24) (***1/2)
10) Eddie Kingston vs. 2 Cold Scorpio (IWA:MS 500th Show) (***1/2)

Previously on the list:
2 Cold Scorpio, Ruckus, Sabian vs. Mickie Knuckles, Devon Moore and Josh Abercrombie (IWA:MS April Bloodshowers) (***1/2)
Money In The Bank (WWE Wrestlemania 24) (***1/2)
Undertaker vs. Edge (WWE Wrestlemania 24) (***1/2)

The 411: This was a great show, everything was great, and the main event and Kingston-Storm just blew me away with how great they were. Very recommended. As always, you can buy your CHIKARA DVDs from www.smartmarkvideo.com
Final Score:  8.0   [ Very Good ]