RB Report: ISW 'Love Hurts'
Posted by R.Brooksbank on 08.30.2008
The funniest wrestling show EVER!
ISW Love Hurts
February 24, 2008
Montreal, Canada
*Inter Species Wrestling is an independent company ran by Mike Rotch in Canada. Their product is comedy-based, but also features great deals of great wrestling.
*We open with Llakor in the ring to warm up the crowd. Beef Wellington comes out and tells the fans that there's a new Beef ("I don't know if you noticed, but I have a beard now.") and that he won't wrestle long-time rival Giant Tiger tonight. Llakor then informs him that he won't make his $20 if he doesn't wrestle Giant Tiger, so that obviously changes Beef's mind.
*"MVP" Michael Von Payton vs. EL HIJO DEL BAMBOO~!
Kenny The Bastard was originally supposed to be MVP's original opponent. He calls anyone out and it's El Hijo del Bamboo! Unfortunately, the original Bamboo passed away a couple of years ago, but his son is here tonight! Bamboo has a fat ass! BEAR HUG! A friendly bear hug, of course! Fans chant "fuck 'em up, Bamboo, fuck 'em up!" We quickly establish that this is one lazy-ass bear. He crawls along the ground, but MVP kicks away his paw and Bamboo takes a NASTY faceplant. BACKBREAKER TO THE PANDA! Bamboo comes back with a tornado DDT and pounds MVP down with axe handles. He goes up top - a silly move for a panda - and MVP grabs him and nails a DVD for the victory(4:25).
Rating: I can't possibly rate such a match, but this was tremendous fun while it lasted.
*A pair of jobbers in generic masks come out while Llakor is plugging the merch stands. The Badd Boys (AKA 2.0) are here and they take out the jobbers. They bring out their father, DADD BADD (AKA PcP Crazy Manny).
*Badd Boys and Dadd Badd vs. Jobbers
The jobbers get the piss beaten out of them and it's over in about a minute.
*Kid Kamikaze vs. Max Boyer
This should be good. Boyer has his detractors, but I'm a fan. Kamikaze's real good, too, from what I've seen. They start out fast, with Boyer clotheslinin' and body slammin'! Sounds like an old WCW commercial. NO JAMMIN', JUST SLAMMIN'! Side Russian legsweep by Kamikaze gets two. He follows up an elbow smash with a big hiptoss and orders the fans to clap for him. He misses a splash in the corner and they counter suplex attempts. Eventually, a Northern Lights suplex lands for Kamikaze. They trade roll-ups and Boyer dropkicks him. Boyer pulls Kamikaze's shirt over his head and chops. He misses a blind charge and is planted with a tornado DDT. BIG German suplex only gets two for Boyer. A crappy looking wheelbarrow suplex ends it and Boyer is the winner(4:39).
Rating: With the time they had, they really had to go all out and they did just that. Total spot-fest, but really fun and everything was solid. I can only go **, but that's because of the length.
*Beef Wellington vs. The Beef Father Fucker Champion, Giant Tiger
IT'S THE MATCH THAT EVERYONE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR! If Tiger wins, then Beef must become his sex slave. Damn, I want to boo Beef, but then he goes and comes out to 'Holy Diver'. Giant Tiger's gimmick is that of an alcoholic retard. He comes out with his BEEFEATER GIN. Tiger is drunker than Sandman was in that match that he fell asleep in. He tries to get frisky with some of the males in attendance. He takes his jeans off to reveal a pair of tights made from duct tape. Yes, duct tape. I award the pre-match a legit *****.
"Get outta here, ya faggot!" - when the referee tries to search him
"Who wants to see me fuck Beef Wellington? SHUT UP!"
The bell rings. This one's gonna be one for the ages. They tie up and Beef takes him down with a shoulder block. Beef is tossed to the outside, but instantly rolled back in and covered for two. Giant Tiger calls for the Tiger Bomb, but just back body drops him. TIGER DRIVER '08~! This is just awesome. THE MOST VILE BRONCO BUSTER EVER! Beef tries to crawl away, but is stopped. Beef counters a body slam and dishes out heart punches. Giant Tiger being unable to do any moves is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever seen. Beef goes up top and it takes Tiger two attempts to 'rana him off. His idea of a body slam, is hooking the legs and kinda throwing Beef. He yells out "RAZOR RAMON!" He gets Beef up for the Razor's Edge...AND COLLAPSES! My throat's sore from laughing now. Giant Tiger fails to take a back body drop and instead lands on his knee. Beef pounds away on the ass of Giant Tiger. DOUBLE AXE HANDLE TO THE ASS! Beef grabs a stick or something and tries to splash Tiger, but the ref gets in the way and gets bumped. Beef grabs the house mic and says that this has went too long. Tiger doesn't mind the intermission, which allows him to have a quick drink. He throws it in Beef's eyes. NO-HANDS PEDIGREE! The ref counts the pin and Giant Tiger gets the FEEL GOOD VICTORY OF THE YEAR! (9:23)
Giant Tiger: "I'll be honest with you, I'm a little bit drunk and stoned."
He asks the fans if they want to see Beef and the "gingerbread man" make out. "YOU'LL BE ABLE TO TASTE YOUR FATHER!" Beef is forced to close in for the kiss or he's fired from ISW, BUT FIRST, Tiger wants him to SLOWLY take off his shirt! TIGER PLANTS A BIG WET ONE ON HIM! "Holy shit," say the fans. Beef is dragged to the back by Tiger.
Rating: *************. Yeah, seriously, that was probably the best thing I've ever seen in wrestling. You owe it to yourself to see this.
*Llakor puts over the last match, and then says it's time for intermission. But the 'Fresh Prince' theme tune hits and some guy comes out. I have no idea who he is, I think he's actually supposed to be Will Smith. Next out is Maximus Primal, who looks like a white, male Amazing Kong. O WE GOT A MATCH!
*Will Smith vs. Maximus Primal
Smith dances, but is instantly destroyed. Clotheslines, disgusting powerbombs and fallaways slams are on today's menu. Will Smith takes a nice bump. Maximus tosses him and leaves. I demand Uncle Phil vs. Maximus Primal for the next show.
Rating: lol
*Interspecies Scramble IV
The McGoths (w/Fat guy) vs. The Untouchables (Jimmy Stone and Dan Paysan) vs. The Walking Dead (Izzy Deadyet and Kraven) vs. When Animals Attack (Moohamed the Terrorist Cow and the Iron Sheep)
This is being contested under elimination rules. The McGoths are a pair of masked fellows. Anyone who follows IWS knows who the Untouchables are. Paysan made a few CHIKARA appearances back in 2006 before disappearing back to Canada. Moohamed's rant on a black fellow in the crowd is very racist and somewhat hilarious. Izzy and Paysan start and obviously the speedy Paysan manages to avoid the undead Izzy. He decides to attack, but Izzy gets the better of him. When Animals Attack double-team Stone for a while and Kraven gets in and lands a reverse DDT on Moohamed. Paysan takes out both of the Walking Dead with dropkicks and that draws the McGoths in. Everyone brawls in the centre of the ring and the red McGoth goes on the top turnbuckle (w/picture of Chuck Norris) and dives onto them. Jimmy Stone does the same. FLIP D. BERGER IS HERE! He got a raise at McDonalds! He takes orders from a few fans. Moohamed channels John Cena, but Izzy stops him. Flip interrupts the match to ask them if they want anything and Moohamed and the Iron Sheep roll up the distracted Paysan and Stone to eliminate them(8:06).
The Iron Sheep is double-teamed by The McGoths and swiftly eliminated(8:31).
The red McGoth eats Izzy's boot. LEGDROP! That only gets two. Kraven does the zombie Michael Jackson dance into an elbow drop! A lungblower/slingshot corkscrew combo fails to put Kraven away. The McGoths have their way with both members of the Walking Dead until Izzy headbutts the blue McGoth in the groin. MUTA POSE~! SHINING WIZARD~! It's over(12:08)!
Rating: That was fun stuff and I enjoyed the appearance of Flip D. Berger. I feel weird giving star ratings because this company isn't exactly about the workrate. The wrestling was about **, but the match was really fun.
*"The XXX Sexxx Exxxpress" Sexxxy Eddy vs. Steve
Contrary to what the name implies, Steve is actually female. She wants to be like one of the boys, so she goes by the name of Steve. Eddy says we've had comedy, wrestling and zombie cunts, so now we're gonna have a fuck session. She says that Eddy hasn't earned it. She gets Eddy to close his eyes for a kiss, but then puts the ref in front of him. GROSS DUDE! Eddy freaks out when he realises what happened. La Mahistral to Eddy gets two. She puts him in an armbar and simulates masturbation on his arm. Eddy breaks her back and lands the Total Sextacy into a missionary position and humps her. WAIT WAT. Steve has a bulge. She kisses Eddy and whips out her schlong! SHE HUMPS HIM! This is some high-brow stuff. She wanks in his face and slaps him about with the plastic penis. Why am I watching this? More humping. Eddy lowblows her and gets the 1-2-3.
"I think I liked it! OH SHIT!"
Rating: The less said about this, the better.
*Twiggy vs. El Generico
Both of these guys have the most awesome entrances ever. This is surely to be the feel good bout of the Summer! El Generico trained Twiggy. Generico takes it to the mat to start and holds Twiggy there for a while. Generico controls him on the feet as well. Twiggy seems to be gradually getting annoyed at this. ARMDRAGS BY TWIGGY! DROPKICK! Headlock takeover to Generico. Twiggy can't take him down with shoulder blocks. He ducks a lariat and Generico lands on his head from a big shoulderblock! Generico hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker out of nowhere. Fans are getting behind Twiggy, so Generico slams him and lands a standing moonsault for two. Twiggy fails to get him up for a back suplex and receives multiple elbows to the head and a back suplex. Twiggy rolls him up out of nowhere for two, but that just seems to piss his trainer off. He goes for the split-legged moonsault, but Twiggy gets the knees up. ACE CRUSHER! He clotheslines Generico to the outside and follows with a hurricanrana off the apron. He dishes out a few chops before taking the action back in the ring. Knee drop from the top rope somehow only gets two. BIONIC ELBOW! He goes up top and lands a flying cross body. BLUE THUNDAH BOMB FROM GENERICO! Twiggy goes into the corner, but that's a mistake as Generico NAILS the Yakuza kick. Splash from the top rope! ONE-TWO-NO! TWIGGY, TWIGGY, TWIGGY! TORNADO DDT BY TWIGGY! YAKUZA IN THE CORNER! ONE-TWO-NO! SUPERKICK! AGAIN! Whoa, that was stiff. Generico dares him to hit another, but it's blocked and Generico kicks him square in the mush not once, not twice, but thrice. BRAINBUSTAAH by Generico! ONE-TWO-THREE!(16:00)
Rating: ***3/4. Yeah, I loved every second of this. Twiggy proved that he could hang with the bigger names. Great psychology and work, too, which I wasn't really expecting from this show. This show just keeps getting better and better.
*Interspecies Championship
Kevin Steen vs. Zombified vs. Player Uno
The title is currently vacant and a champion will be decided in this match. Zombified is the undead version of IWS and CHIKARA star Stupefied. Mike Rotch sure is a fan of zombies. Introductions are done in-ring, which I always appreciate. Except when done in IWA-MS, they do it for EVERY match. Zombified and Uno attack Steen before the bell. They usually team up as the team Super Smash Brothers. Eventually, Steen is tossed and an Uno STO gets two over Zombified. Steen gets in and beats on both of them. Uno goes for the Goomba Stomp on Steen, but Steen drags him off the top rope. I bet he just lost a life. Steen hits the CRAZIEST BACKBREAKER I'VE EVER SEEN to Zombified. Steen gets both of them up on his shoulders and hits a double Samoan drop. Uno and Steen strike the shit out of each other. Neckbreaker by Uno connects. Zombified finally decides to do something and gives a backbreaker to Steen and takes Uno's electric chair into a neckbreaker over the knee move he does. Uno kills the dude with a powerbomb into a facebuster, but the pin attempt is broken up by Steen. Uno hits a half-nelson suplex on Steen, but Zombified instantly lands a splash on him and gets two. Everyone hits lots of big stuff. Steen powerbombs Zombified onto Uno. Spike Package Piledriver to Zombified, but Uno finishes him off with a crazy piledriver and becomes the new champion(12:24).
Rating: **. This was alright, but the near-falls TOTALLY killed it for me, they must've hit about fifty finishers in the last five minutes. And Zombified seemed to just lay around the entire match, doing nothing, while Steen and Uno done stuff for about 7-8 minutes, which was weird.
The 411: This was so awesome, I can't wait until the next show now. Giant Tiger vs. Beef and Twiggy vs. Generico were both genuinely totally amazing, yet in completely different ways. And even besides those two matches, everything else on the show is really fun. Buy it. http://www.smartmarkvideo.com/product.php?productid=16256&cat=0&page=1
