The Name on the Marquee: Wrestling's Country Boys

Posted by Adam Nedeff on 08.29.2008

Not so much a best-of tape as a Jobber Yearbook for 1985.

-Hosted by Mean Gene Okerlund.

-We skip right over Hillbilly Jim’s debut angle (he was a fan that kept showing up at the TV tapings and irritating the heels, then jumped the rail to rescue Hulk Hogan from an attack) and go straight to…

HULK HOGAN TRAINS HILLBILLY JIM TO BECOME A WRESTLER
-Now, those of you who are regular visitors to Wrestlecrap know that Hillbilly Jim already acquired a great deal of ring savvy and mat knowledge by doing unspeakable things to his dog, but Hulk decided he needed a little more polishing and takes him under his wing. Hulk makes him drink “gasoline” (a protein shake that actually makes the phrase “go on the gas” seem a little more innocent) for breakfast, and Jim reacts to it roughly the same way that Lord Alfred did.

-Off to the gym, while “(Dubbed By Generic Music)” plays over a montage of weightlifting exercises. The joke is that Hulk does a bunch of basic lifts to demonstrate them for Jim, and then Jim fumbles around a lot to get the point across that he’s a hick.

-Into the ring, where Hulk…well, there’s no other way to put this, Hulk acts like a total dick. He snatches Jim’s hat off his head and throws it away, then shoves Jim during a strength exercise. He also keeps coming up with excuses for Jim whenever Jim asks when he’s finally going to be allowed to wrestle. Uh, Hulk was still a face in 1984, right?

-Anyway, we come to the next logical point in the montage, the part where Jim does everything with finesse because he’s getting better, although Hulk is still needlessly hung up on the poor guy’s hat for some reason. 0 for 1. Hulk’s unexpected asshole-dom kinda detracted from the segment, although it’s easy to see why Jim was so crazy over when he debuted. His “wide-eyed fan realizing his dream” act was pretty charming.

HILLBILLY JIM (with Hulk Hogan) vs. TERRY GIBBS
-Jim’s debut on WWF Championship Wrestling. Jim counters a front facelock by just lifting Gibbs off the mat and placing him gently on the top rope. Shoulderblocks by Gibbs affect him more than they affect Jim. Jim catches him off the ropes with a slam. Gibbs goes for the eyes and punches away to take advantage. “Nobody is strong in the eyes,” says Bruno, apparently reading from a fortune cookie. Jim comes back with a slam and finishes things with a bearhug. (Jim, we were told, used to wrestle bears in the circus, making this the only example ever of a bearhug being a perfectly logical finishing move for a wrestler.) 0 for 2 for a total squash.

BACK TO THE GYM
-Hulk is still acting pissy about Jim’s hat for some reason. He brings in jobber A.J. Petruzzi to teach Jim how to do some basic holds. A.J. puts Hulk in a hammerlock, and Hulk demonstrates four different counters: a reversal, a single-leg takedown, a snapmare, and a drop toehold. It’s Hillbilly’s turn to break the hold and he does it by simply straightening his arm, perplexing Hogan. That was funny, actually. Hulk presents Jim with the boots he wore for six months before winning the world title. I can’t begin to imagine that smell. Anyway, 1 for 3. This was more endearing than the first training segment.

HILLBILLY JIM vs. RENE GOULET
-Jim makes his MSG debut on the undercard of “The War to Settle the Score.” Again with the dreams-coming-true act as he looks around at the crowd with his jaw hanging during the intros. Andy Warhol is in attendance for this match…well, presumably this match; I can’t imagine that Hogan-Piper thing put very many asses in the seats. Joe Piscopo is also taking time out from his busy schedule to be here tonight. Jim his wearing Hogan’s boots for this, and Goulet is wearing his ominous glove. The referee is also annoyed with Jim’s hat and makes him take it off. What is with everybody hating on this poor guy’s hat? It’s like watching somebody trying to yank a security blanket away from a three-year-old…It makes him feel safe and he’s not hurting anybody. Let him wear the damn hat.

-Lock-up and Jim shoves him straight down to the mat. Side headlock by Goulet and Jim tries to escape with a back suplex. When that doesn’t work, he just shoves him into the ropes and knocks him over. Jim gets his own side headlock and when Rene tries to shove him off, Jim hangs on and almost rips off the guy’s head. Rene pulls the hair and Jim punches him in the face in retaliation. Rene hangs his feet on the top rope to make Jim break the hold, and Jim does so, dropping him straight on his face. Fun spot. Rene goes into the tights and attacks with a “foreign object” (Jerry Lawler-style, where he’s just pantomiming having a weapon) and works Jim over with that, but he can’t take him off his feet. Jim is more pissed than hurt and lights into Rene with fists and a headbutt. Irish whip and Rene Flair-flips onto the apron and goes to the top rope. Jim catches him in a bearhug for the submission. Another squash. 1 for 4. Rene Goulet picks a fight with Mr. T postmatch, and Mr. T chases him off, building toward his main event appearance later in the night.

THE BODY SHOP w/HILLBILLY JIM
-So Jim wastes no time breaking his leg after only a few months in the WWF (with Brutus Beefcake getting credit for it) and they needed something for him to do, and here we have his return on Jesse Ventura’s interview segment. Jim announces that he’s going to be a manager while he recuperates, and brings in Uncle Elmer from Philadelphia, Mississippi. 1 for 5. Nothing segment.

PIPER’S PIT w/HILLBILLY JIM
-To cover all of his bases, Jim goes on the WWF’s other interview segment to do exactly the same thing. Piper bullies Gimpy Jim for a minute, but then backs off when he sees Elmer’s size. 2 for 6. More fun than Jesse’s bit.

UNCLE ELMER vs. TIGER CHUNG LEE
-Entrance music is dubbed with generic banjo picking, which makes me ask if Jim & Elmer used a “real song” before “Don’t Go Messing with a Country Boy” was introduced.

-Lee attacks with a kendo stick and chops Elmer. Elmer fights back with a fist and Lee runs out of the ring. Back in, Elmer gets a side headlock and snapmares Lee, but then can’t get back up (seriously) so Lee attacks. Elmer fights back and Irish whips Lee. Backdrop and a horrible-looking legdrop finishes things. 2 for 7. Great tape for people who like squashes, I’ll give it that.

UNCLE ELMER (with Hillbilly Jim) vs. BIG JOHN STUDD (with Bobby Heenan)
-Gorilla proves himself a glass-is-half-full guy by saying “This is going to be a beauty.” Studd attacks as Elmer is climbing into the ring and just dominates until Elmer finally comes back with punches. In the most oddly precient moment ever, Elmer gets riled up because Jim is standing at ringside with a big cowbell. Well, thank God nobody else ever decided that would be a good gimmick. Series of avalanches follows. Elmer goes for the slam and Heenan runs in and stops it, drawing a DQ but saving his $15,000. It erupts into a four-man brawl. 2 for 8.

UNCLE ELMER & HILLBILLY JIM ON “TNT”
-They do a musical number, and the spare-no-expense crew gives the two singers a single microphone to share for a duet. And since Elmer has Larry Melman-like dexterity for handling a microphone, that goes as well as you’d expect.

-Vince & Alfred, dressed as cowboys, eat barbecued possum & cornbread. The sight of the crew members wandering around in the background compels me to check Ebay for one of those “TNT on USA” shirts. Alfred gets bullied into eating the possum. 2 for 9.

COUSIN JUNIOR (with Hillbilly Jim & Uncle Elmer) vs. RON SHAW
-First mention of Elmer’s upcoming wedding, and Jesse wonders, “My God, who would marry him?!” Clothesline and a mulekick…for the three-count. Good to see everybody came with their working boots on tonight…Actually, Junior wrestles barefoot. Well, that explains it, then. 2 for 10.

COUSIN JUNIOR (with Hillbilly Jim) vs. ADRIAN ADONIS
-Gorilla puts over Adonis’ deadly new finishing hold, the reverse bulldog (DDT). Armdrag by Junior, and another and another. Gorilla & Lord Alfred are so invested in this match that they start speculating that the referee is a cellist or some other sort of musician, even though he’s clearly a referee. Adonis works over Junior in the corner, but Junior comes back with a backdrop and a series of slams. Another armdrag compels him to bail out. The crowd sounds like they’re chanting “You fat pig!” at Adonis. Adonis attacks Junior from behind while he’s getting advice from Jim. Kick to the stomach and an elbowdrop by Adonis. Suplex by Adonis as it occurs to me for the first time ever how much Adrian looked like John Belushi before gaining all that weight and bleaching his hair. Jim’s cowbell fails to inspire Junior. Adonis misses a charge into the ropes and Junior comes back with kicks. Adonis fights back and ties him up in the ropes. He chokes Junior, but doesn’t break at the count of five, so the referee DQs him to give the win to Junior. What the…that’s actually a finish?! 3 for 11. Maybe it has something to do with everything I had to sit through preceding it, or maybe Adonis is just a fine worker, but it’s the best match by far on the tape.

COUSIN JUNIOR (with Hillbilly Jim) vs. MOONDOG SPOT
-Stalling forever before we finally get a lock-up and a shoulderblock that go nowhere. “Boring” chant erupts and we get more stalling. Way to read the crowd, everybody. Spot tries a sneak attack but Junior catches him with a mule kick. Integrity preservation leads to…more kicking. And then kicking Spot in the corner. Even Kickboxer didn’t have this much kicking. Splash gets a two-count and I think I can sum up the tape by saying that I was honestly expecting that to be the finish. Punch to the face gets another two-count. Reverse atomic drop by Spot turns the tide, but he goes after Hillbilly Jim on the outside, and Junior catches him with…a kick (totally missed by the director) for the three-count. 3 for 12.

COUSIN JUNIOR & UNCLE ELMER vs. JERRY ADAMS & BARRY O
-Just want to say how much it amazes me that it never occurred to Vince to hang a curtain in front of the entrance for the Championship Wrestling tapings. Watching a wrestler swing a set of double doors open like they’re coming out of the HR office just does not have the same impact as a curtain.

-Elmer starts with Barry O (Randy Orton’s uncle and one of Vince’s enemies-for-life, stemming from the early ‘90s scandals. Irish whip and a backdrop by Elmer, and Junior comes in with a wristlock. Barry sends him into the ropes and catches him with a backbreaker. Adams tags in and Junior fights back with a series of mulekicks. Sit-down splash finishes. 3 for 13.

THE WEDDING OF UNCLE ELMER
-They totally fuck this up by chopping out the most fun part of the bit (Jesse’s commentary) and skipping straight from the bride’s entrance to Roddy’s objection. 3 for 14. They had a guaranteed point here and managed to screw it up. Amazing.

That's it for this offering. Go to Game Show Utopia now. I promise there's not a jobber match within a mile of that site.

The 411: If you're making the fans pay money for a tape, give them the matches against name opponents that they don't usually get from watching your TV shows. And if their matches against name opponents aren't good enough to put on a best-of collection, why even bother? (Well, because you're hot and fans will buy damn near anything with your logo on it at this point, I guess...)

Final Score:  2.1   [ Very Bad ]