The Name on the Marquee: Wrestlemania 2–What the World is Coming To (04.06.86)

-And so we’ve made it to Wrestlemania 2, a show that existed solely because they had done Wrestlemania I in 1985 and wanted to do Wrestlemania III in 1987. And before you jump down my throat for making a snarky comment about the quality of the show right off the bat, find a copy of that big thick Wrestlemania book that the company put out a few years ago. The company, of course, has a more diplomatic way of putting it, but I find it amusing that even their own internal canon states that this one kinda sucked.

-This Wrestlemania is also famous for a gimmick that hasn’t been employed since…Jim Crockett did Starrcade ’85 from two cities, so Vince McMahon now brings you Wrestlemania 2 from three cities! Take that!

WRESTLEMANIA 2

-Part one, from Nassau Coliseum on Long Island.

-Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Susan “…And Wife” St. James. Your ring announcer is Howard Finkel of WWF fame.

-Ray Charles sings “America the Beautiful” as images of what makes America great flash across the screen. We get photos of beautiful landscapes, our brave men in uniform, the Vietnam memorial, cowboys, farmers, the Liberty Bell, the Capital Building (Hi, Sis!), Mount Rushmore, Abraham Lincoln, JFK, MLK, Old Glory, and then…this. I love this era so much. I really do.

-Mean Gene Okerlund assures us that the electricity can be cut with a knife, although my own disastrous childhood experience with a toaster leads me to say that this is not a good idea.

-Roddy Piper assures us that he’s going to win his boxing match tonight, and if he loses, he’ll retire and he’ll stop dating, but he promises to stick with Cowboy Bob…Uh-huh. Roddy also vows that he will never paint himself black, which is noteworthy only because I don’t think anybody expected Roddy to actually break that promise.

“Mister Wonderful” PAUL ORNDORFF vs. MAGNIFICENT MURACO (with Mr. Fuji)
-This was hyped as the Battle of the Piledrivers, which is a fairly simple way to go about building it up. Lock-up goes nowhere. Lock-up II goes to a side headlock by Orndorff, but Muraco gets a bodyslam off the ropes. Orndorff comes back with his own slam, then taunts Mr. Fuji with the “slit-eyes” gesture, because he’s a face and all. Another lock-up and Muraco backs Orndorff into a corner and takes advantage. Irish whip is reversed, armdrag and an armbar follow. Muraco tries to counter with an armdrag, but Orndorff counters the counter and sticks with the arm. Muraco is already sweating rather heavily for some reason. Muraco tries to whip him but Orndorff hangs on and makes it a wristlock. Susan St. James refers to Orndorff’s strategy as “slow torture.” I wouldn’t go that far, but, yeah, that’s a lot of restholds for only four minutes. Fist fight erupts and the action spills outside the ring for a double count-out, which means the Battle of the Piledrivers ends without a piledriver. Bravo. 0 for 1. Vince is man enough to admit that was shitty booking and acknowledges the “Bullshit!” chant that erupts after the bell.

-Mr. T is angry about having to cut a promo before a match. He vows to use his arms and elbows during the match, so apparently, he learned nothing about boxing from Rocky III.

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: RANDY “Macho Man” SAVAGE (champion, with Elizabeth) vs. GEORGE “The Animal” STEELE
-This, of course, is match #2 of their famous “Best of 407” series. Of note during the entrance is Randy Savage throwing a fit and destroying a bouquet of flowers given to Elizabeth by a fan off-camera. That fan was Al Isaacs of Scoops Central, the first pro-wrestling site I ever discovered on the internet after West Virginia finally got phone lines installed in 1997.

-Savage runs away right at the bell, and George & Randy trade poses for a few moments before Savage ducks out again. Savage ducks out again and George Steele starts chasing him around the ring and sinks his teeth into Savage’s leg as Savage tries to re-enter the ring. Steele lifts Savage off the mat and chokes him, then catches him with an uppercut for good measure. Steele stops to go to the apron and say hi to Elizabeth. Savage attacks from behind and ties Steele in the ropes and beats the crap out of him. Flying bodypress for a two count and George launches Savage onto the concrete when he kicks out. Savage re-enters and Steele fights back with fists and sends Savage back to the floor and the Macho Man crawls underneath the apron and sneaks up behind Steele for a sneak attack. George bites back and hammers Savage. Savage grabs another bouquet intended for Elizabeth and smacks Savage with it. Steele gets his hands on it and slaps the hell out of him. Irish whip, but instead of following up, Steele goes to the turnbuckle for a snack break. Savage attacks but gets a faceful of stuffing for his trouble. Savage goes out for a breather and Steele chases him, but stops to say hi to Elizabeth again, and the flying axehandle from behind grounds the Animal. Bodyslam and the flying elbow fini…holy crap, George kicks out of the flying elbow! Suck it, Hulkster! Animal gets a handful of Macho Nose and sends Savage into the corner, but Savage hooks the legs and gets a Flair Pin to retain the title. 1 for 2. I had fun. George yells “Bullshit!” After consoling himself with a turnbuckle, he chases the referee back to the locker room, yelling “Son of a bitch!”

-We have to take time out to clean all the flower petals and foam stuffing out of the ring, so we go to Chicago, where Bill Fralic and John Studd engage in a shoving match. Fralic & Studd are almost eye-to-eye, which doesn’t look good for Studd. Studd destroys a football with his bare hands to intimidate the NFL stars.

JAKE “The Snake” ROBERTS vs. GEORGE WELLS
-This match is weirdly famous for giving George Wells a legacy that has followed him for the past 22 years, and one that I’m not sure he’s proud of. Fistfight to start and George wins that decisively . Snake sends Wells to the floor, but when he follows him out, Wells catches him with a right hand and takes him back into the ring. Flying tackle and a headbutt by Wells, who is dominating this match for a jobber. Irish whips by Wells followed by a flying headscissors that draws a round of applause from the appreciative fans. Hard chop to the throat by Wells followed by a high knee and Jake is dead. Powerslam off the ropes gets a two-count. Jake goes to the eyes and forces himself back onto his feet. He makes George chase him around the ring for a moment and gets a high knee upon re-entry. DDT finishes. 1 for 3. Nothing match, but a surprising amount of offense for Wells. Jake unties the bag and drapes the still-unnamed snake across George Wells, and Wells foams at the mouth and spits up. With six championships to his credit in other promotions, this is still the only thing that George Wells is remembered for.

-We go back to the broadcast area, which for some reason, is designed to look like a talk show set, complete with big cushy sofa chairs for Vince & Susan. We get a recap of the Mr. T-Roddy Piper feud, including Roddy Piper training as “For Everybody” blares in the background. Piper doesn’t need this fight—that song makes him a winner forever. I’m not being sarcastic, either, that’s a freaking awesome song.

-We go to Los Angeles, where Jesse Ventura taunts Hulk Hogan while interviewing him. I’m sure Jesse was thrilled about getting this assignment, too.

BOXING MATCH: MR. T (with Smokin’ Joe Frazier & Haiti Kid) vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER (with Lou Duva & Cowboy Bob Orton)
-Your guest ring announcer is Joan Rivers, who is months away from pissing off Johnny Carson for the rest of his life and hosting the notable first flop in the history of the Fox network. Your guest judges are Daryl Dawkins, Cab Calloway, and G. Gordon Liddy, who is nearly booed out of the building. See, if he had accepted that role in Trading Places, they would have cheered for him. Your guest timekeeper is Herb. Yes, THE Herb.

ROUND ONE: Piper throws some punches. Mr. T throws some punches. They punch each other. Then they punch each other again. Roddy Piper throws punches. The bell rings to end the punching. Okay, since the recap of Round Two will probably read identically, I’ll use Round Two to save everybody the trouble of checking Wikipedia and explaining who Herb is.

ROUND TWO: Herb was the central figure in one of the biggest flops in the history of fast food advertising. In 1985 and 1986, McDonald’s, of course, was dominating the market, with Wendy’s following in second thanks to the surprising success of the old woman who kept asking “Where’s the beef?” Burger King, looking for some way to grab a share of the market, launched a new ad campaign that was supposed to capture America’s imagination and turn its central character into a new advertising icon. Of course, anybody who has watched pro wrestling for any amount of time knows how well it works when a company tries to forcibly create a new icon. Same thing happens in fast food, it turns out.

-The ad campaign was “I’m Not Herb.” Herb, we were told, was the only man in America who had never eaten at Burger King. We got accounts of people who claimed to have seen him, but no one quite knew what he looked like, and photographic evidence was spotty at best. Burger King, in turn, was so mad at Herb that they began offering discounts to everybody except Herb. All you had to do was go to Burger King and finish your order by saying “I’m not Herb,” and you’d get a Whopper for only 99 cents. And if your name WAS Herb, you had to finish your order by saying, “I’m not the Herb you’re looking for.” Have you figured out why this campaign failed yet? Well, too bad, because there was actually more to it than that, which I’ll get to in Round Three.

ROUND THREE: America’s mission was now to find Herb. We were told we could find him by going to Burger King and looking around for him. We were now to believe that this guy who had never eaten at Burger King apparently spent all of his time hanging out at Burger King. Burger King customers were now being encouraged to walk up to people while they were eating and ask, “Are you Herb?” Customers were to reply “I’m not (the) Herb (you’re looking for)” but if you actually got lucky and located Herb, you won $5,000. The campaign was still failing because from restaurant to restaurant, it varied from people being too shy and polite to other customers being incredibly annoying and bothering everybody who just came in wanting a medium Sprite without being hounded by idiots. So Burger King finally modified the ad campaign to tell us what Herb looked like, and when THAT didn’t work, they just gave up and started showing Herb in the commercials, hanging out at Burger King even though he didn’t eat there. And it turned out that Herb was balding, wore thick glasses, untied shoes, and a plaid suit…in other words, the idea was that Herb didn’t eat Burger King, and therefore, he was a geek. Buuuuut he spent all of his time hanging out at the restaurant, which the American public took to mean that if you went to Burger King, you must be a geek, too. Burger King finally gave up shortly after Wrestlemania 2 and Herb disappeared into obscurity. I was three years old when all of this happened, but the reason I remember it so well is that somewhere in West Virginia, there is a rather embarrassing home movie of my brother, my father, and me re-enacting one of the commercials.

ROUND FOUR: Piper throws a stool at Mr. T to start. Slugfest erupts, naturally, and Piper gets frustrated, shoves the referee on his ass, and bodyslams Mr. T for a DQ. Susan St. James demands that G. Gordon Liddy step in and do something, and a fistfight erupts between the seconds. Mr. T gets his hand raised in victory but roughly half the crowd boos him rather loudly. 1 for 4.

-Part two, from the Rosemont Horizon in suburban Chicago.

-Your Chicago hosts are Gorilla Monsoon, Mean Gene Okerlund, and Cathy Lee Crosby of “That’s Incredible,” which tonight refers to the tightness of her shiny pants. Your ring announcer is Chet Coppock, of Anti-Semitism fame.

LADIES’ CHAMPIONSHIP: FABULOUS MOOLAH vs. VELVET MCINTYRE
-To give you an idea of what a different time this was, Moolah regained the title five months earlier and Gorilla comments that it “wasn’t too long ago.” A lot of snapmares by Moolah to start, but McIntyre comes back with a dropkick and an elbow. Bodyslam by McIntyre, but she misses a splash and Moolah pins her immediately to retain at the one-minute mark. 1 for 5.

FLAG MATCH: CORPORAL KIRCHNER vs. NIKOLAI VOLKOFF (with Freddie Blassie)
-Kirchner actually gets some special effects with the lights during his entrance, so they were still trying to push him at this point. Crowd is rabid for this, by the way. Volkoff begins things with a reverse spinning pinwheel kick and a knee. Kirchner takes a ride to the floor, which happens to be red in the Horizon…hmm, how convenient. Volkoff bites and Kirchner blades as Freddie calls Kirchner a yellow dog, which amuses me for whatever reason. Back in the ring, Kirchner fights back with fists but accidentally knocks out the referee. Blassie throws his cane into the ring for Nikolai, but Kirchner intercepts and KOs Volkoff for the win in just under two minutes. 1 for 6. These Chicago fans are really getting their money’s worth, aren’t they? The SNME match was better.

WWF vs. NFL BATTLE ROYALE
-Lee Majors was set to be guest ring announcer here but no-showed. Mean Gene stands in his place, and Chet Coppock does a funny intro where he teases introducing Majors.

-Your guest timekeeper is, speak of the devil, the “Where’s the Beef?” lady, Clara Peller. In the greatest moment of the night so far, she reacts to her name by looking at somebody off-camera and yelling, “WHAT?! NOW?! NOW?!” Then she stands up and yells “Where’s the beef?!” but forgets to use the microphone in her hand, so the crowd doesn’t hear it.

-Your guest referees are Dick Butkus of the XFL and Ed “Too Tall” Jones of that one episode of “Married…with Children.”

-Your actual participants are Jimbo Covert of the championship Bears, Pedro Morales, Tony Atlas, Ted Arcidi, Harvey Martin of the Dallas Cowboys, Dan Spivey, Hillbilly Jim, King Tonga, Iron Sheik, Ernie Holmes of the fabled Steel Curtain, Killer Bees, Big John Studd, Bill Fralic of the Atlanta Falcons, Hart Foundation, Russ Francis of the 49ers, Bruno Sammartino, William “The Refrigerator” Perry of the Shufflin’ Crew, and Andre the Giant. Dick Butkus’ awestruck stare as Andre walks past him is a neat moment. Ernie Ladd sits in on commentary for this match.

-5,612 pounds is the official combined weight for our participants. A bunch of wrestlers gang up on the Refrigerator, but Jimbo breaks it up. Bill Fralic dumps Jimbo and King Tonga. Russ Francis keeps picking his fight with Andre the Giant as Ernie Holmes gets eliminated. Andre the Giant and Big John Studd go at it and Ernie Ladd declares, “That’s heat!” There, get off Don West’s ass now. Jim Brunzell is out. Refrigerator eliminates Tony Atlas to a huge pop. We’re getting treated to something of a dream match as Bruno Sammartino and Bret Hart duke it out. Harvey Martin and Pedro Morales are eliminated. Ted Arcidi is eliminated. Danny Spivey is elimated. Iron Sheik fucks Brian Blair’s ability to win a battle royal in the ass, and then he eliminates Hillbilly Jim. Bill Fralic is eliminated. Iron Sheik is next. Francis is staying with Andre the Giant. They mentioned that Francis’ father was a wrestler, so I’m wondering if there was a friendship there. Bruno calls it a night. Perry starts tackling everybody in sight, but gets eliminated when he goes for John Studd. Perry offers a sportsmanlike handshake, and Studd accepts, which is stupid because naturally Perry yanks him out.

-Final four: Andre, Russ Francis, Hart Foundation. Andre gets tangled in the ropes and Russ tries to dodge the Harts, but they catch him and double-team him until he can’t take anymore and dump him. Andre fights off the Hart Foundation, starting with Anvil, who takes a hilarious bump off a boot and over the top rope, and then finishes by press-slamming Bret over the top rope. 2 for 7. At the very least, this was fun for the sake of being a time capsule.

-Back in New York, we get a classic Roddy Piper promo where he repeats his vow not to paint himself black, and you can watch Vince’s facial expressions and pick the exact moment that he says “God dammit!” to himself.

TAG TEAM TITLES: DREAM TEAM (champions, with Luscious Johnny Valiant) vs. BRITISH BULLDOGS (with Captain Lou Albano & Ozzy Osbourne)
-Gorilla’s greatest wish in life is finally being fulfilled, as this match will have two referees. Ozzy is there to award the winners of the match a pair of tickets to Ozzfest.

-Davey Boy and the Hammer start off. Davey Boy shoves Hammer to the mat and Greg fights back with a forearm and an elbow. Davey Boy backs him into the corner and Greg attacks, but Davey Boy turns it into an arm wringer. Greg gets a hiptoss but misses an elbow and Dynamite tags in. Elbows and a turnbuckle shot daze Greg for a two count. Hard shoulderblock by Dynamite sends Hammer into the corner. Snap suplex and an elbow by Dynamite before Davey Boy tags back in. There’s a duel for a suplex, won by Davey Boy, and Valentine ducks out for a breather.

-Back in, Greg gets a series of forearms and finally makes the tag to Beefcake. Beefcake gets an arm wringer and a wristlock, but Davey Boy counters with a press slam. Dynamite re-enters and clotheslines Beefcake. Small package gets two and the Bulldogs double-team in the corner. Davey Boy gets a Perfectplex, of all moves, for a two count. Valentine tags in and drops an elbow from the top rope for the advantage. Suplex gets two. Headlock by Valentine, but Davey Boy is able to make the tag and Dynamite goes on the offensive with chops and shoulders in the corner. Double shoulderblock on the Hammer gets two. Brutus gets frustrated and double-teams before getting chased out by the referee. Backbreaker by Dynamite gets a two count, broken by Beefcake. Dynamite goes for the pin again and Greg kicks out. Mean Gene suddenly notes that “Ozzy Osbourne is shaking at ringside!” I believe that’s called withdrawal.

-Shoulderbreaker by Valentine gets a two count, and Dynamite catches him with a low blow to even the sides. Valentine goes to the top rope but gets Flair-slammed for a two count, and all hell breaks looses. Beefcake gets knocked out to the floor and Valentine suddenly gets full of piss and vinegar and just assaults Dynamite. Davey Boy steps in with a running powerslam for a two count. Suplex for a two count. Valentine Irish whips Davey Boy shoulder-first into the post. Valentine finally has a body part to work and goes to work. Brutus tags in to contribute to the cause with a hammerlock into a slam. Beefcake sends Davey Boy shoulder-first into the turnbuckle and tags in Valentine. Shoulderbreaker gets two before Valentine foolishly picks him up to dish out more punishment. On the apron, Dynamite suddenly climbs to the second rope for no apparent reason. Greg goes for a headbutt but Davey Boy suddenly Irish whips him into Dynamite for the Anderson Sacrifice and gets the pin (with the second referee stopping Brutus from breaking the pin).

-Post-match, Captain Lou Albano & Ozzy celebrate as though they won the match while an obviously-concerned Davey Boy tends to Dynamite (who hit the floor with a sick-sounding “thump”). 3 for 8. GREAT match from the Bulldogs at their peak.

-Back to New York, where Susan St. James says King Kong Bundy has no chance of winning the title and cockblocks every attempt by Vince to build suspense for it.

-Part three, from the embarrassingly empty-looking Los Angeles Sports Coliseum.

-Your commentary team is Jesse Ventura, Lord Alfred Hayes, and Elvira. Your ring announcer is Lee Marshall, of “Wait a minute, what the hell is Lee Marshall doing here?” fame.

RICKY “The Dragon” STEAMBOAT vs. HERCULES HERNANDEZ
-This is early in Hercules’ run, when they gave him a Greek costume for his entrance to really make him look the part, as opposed to his more familiar look of just hanging a chain around his neck and saying, “Hey, everybody, it’s me, Hercules!” He also appears to be aping Bruiser Brody a bit.

-Hercules attacks from behind to start, but Steamboat comes back with chops and armdrags. Steamboat works the arm and keeps the advantage with a thrust kick and goes back to the armdrag and the armbar. Hercules fights back with punches, but Steamboat hangs on and chops & punches away. Suplex by Steamboat. Hercules beheads Steamboat with a clothesline and stomps a mudhole to follow up. Steamboat fights back with chops but loses his balance and collapses for a near-fall by Hercules. Hercules rams Steamboat into the turnbuckle and drops a pair of elbows for two. Steamboat fights back with chops but Hercules drops him with a clothesline for two. Press slam gets two. Another press slam gets another two. Hercules goes to the top rope for a splash, but Steamboat raises the knees to knock the wind out of him. Flying bodypress off the top gets the three count for the Dragon. 4 for 9. Steamboat carried the Greek Floridian rather well.

UNCLE ELMER vs. ADORABLE ADRIAN ADONIS (with Jimmy Hart)
-We have an obvious edit, as the shot jump-cuts from Hercules leaving the ring to Adrian Adonis entering the ring, and Jesse yells, “We’re back in LA!” What did I miss here?

-A deafening “Faggot” chant goes up as Adrian is playing it way over the top here, with a dress, scarves, hair ribbons, leg warmers, and a full face’s worth of make-up. Elmer prances & wiggles to taunt Adrian, which is pretty funny. Jimmy Hart tries to disinfect Elmer with some perfume, and Elmer chases Adrian & Jimmy to the floor.

-Adrian re-enters the ring and gets attacked immediately by Elmer. Irish whip by Elmer and Adrian Flair-flips and absolutely bounces like a pinball all over the ring. We get an embarrassing spot where the deteriorating Elmer throws a punch so hard that he knocks himself over. Adrian, for his part, falls out of the ring again to sell it, and Jesse laments that he’s “wearing a beautiful dress and wallowing around on that beer-laden floor.”

-Elmer rips off Adrian’s dress and yanks him back into the ring. He belly-bumps Adrian into the ropes and Adrian is all tied up. Adrian finally gets some offense with a punch and a stomp. He chokes Elmer, but Elmer reverses an Irish whip and follows with an avalanche. He misses a legdrop, and Adrian goes to the top and gets a big splash to go over clean as a sheet. 4 for 10, and believe it or not, a disappointment. It was incredibly short but really fun while it lasted. They made the mistake of ending just as it was getting good.

-Post-match, Adrian treats Elmer like a total jobber, attaching a bow to his back and stomping all over him. Who did Elmer piss off?

-Backstage, Hulk Hogan vows to slap King Kong Bundy’s feelings around in the cage.

JUNKYARD DOG & TITO SANTANA vs. FUNK BROTHERS (with Jimmy Hart)
-Hoss (Dory, Jr.) and JYD start. Terry tries to double-team from the apron but falls into the ring and just gets his ass kicked for trying. Faces clear the ring immediately and Terry goes nuts. Tito & Terry try their luck as the legal men and Terry chops away and gets an elbow. Tito dodges a criss-cross and clotheslines Terry over the top rope. Back in, JYD tags and gets into fisticuffs with Terry, then rams Terry’s head into the turnbuckles. Then he does it again, so hard that the pad actually comes loose. JYD launches Terry over the top rope. Tito & Hoss tag in and Hoss gets the advantage with uppercuts. Tito gets a flying forearm out of nowhere but Terry stops the pin and the heels leave for a breather. Tito forces Hoss back into the ring and we get a criss-cross until Terry sneaks up and knees Tito in the back. Terry attacks Tito on the floor until JYD puts a stop to it. Back in the ring, Terry gets a two count off a suplex and gets into a shoving match with Dave Hebner. Elvira now begins calling for Terry & Tito to tear off the trunks and wrestle naked. At least it wasn’t Lord Alfred saying it.

-Funks double-team Tito and a legdrop from Terry gets two. Another legdrop misses and Tito makes the tag. JYD is the proverbial house of fire and cleans the non-firing house. Terry attacks from behind with a piece of rope but gets headbutted and launched over the top rope. JYD goes to the floor and headbutts Hoss, then slams Terry into a collapsing ringside table. Jimmy Hart takes a punch while we’re at it. Small package by JYD gets two. Tito runs in and gets a figure four on Hoss. The referee clears the ring while Terry gets his hands on the megaphone and KOs JYD for the pin. 5 for 11. Fun brawl.

-Post-match, Terry grabs his knee and asks Jimmy to help him out of the arena…Terry had reached his tolerance limit with the insane travel schedule of the WWF and actually faked blowing out his knee to see if he could get some time off that way.

-We take a look at the Hogan-Bundy feud, which was exactly like any other Hogan house show feud at that point; Bundy announces he hates Hogan, there was a confrontation on TV, and now we get to pay money to see it paid off. I mean, they tried to build it up as something more by having Hogan take a ride in the ambulance, but they even screwed that up by having him continue to wrestle a full schedule between the time that the attack aired and Wrestlemania 2. Fans all over the country had the opportunity to see that Hogan was fine; not only that, they even had Hulk squash Moondog Rex on “Championship Wrestling” the weekend before the big night just to really drive home the point that we were going to see Just Another Title Match. And our big video montage ends with Hulk doing chin-ups with chains and a 100-pound dumbbell hanging from his neck.

STEEL CAGE, WORLD TITLE MATCH: HULK HOGAN (champion) vs. KING KONG BUNDY (with Bobby Heenan)
-Your guest ring announcer is Tommy Lasorda. Your guest referee is Robert Conrad. Your guest is Ricky Schroeder, who is booed out of the building. Were the later seasons of “Silver Spoons” really that awful?

-We start with a slugfest and Hogan wins it. Chops and a boot to the face by Hogan. Bundy tries to run away through the door and Hogan stops it. Hogan keeps dominating with an Irish whip and more chops. Hogan just keeps pounding away until Bundy fights back with boots and axehandles. Bundy hammers Hogan as the “Hulk!” chant erupts. Bundy rams Hogan into the cage and tries to leave but Hogan stops him. It should be noted that Dave Hebner is doing all the referee work, even though Robert Conrad was the announced guest referee and it’s a cage match with escape rules. Robert Conrad, therefore, wins the award for Laziest Wrestlemania Celebrity Ever.

-Bundy rips off the tape around Hogan’s ribs and ties him to the ropes, which is rather clever. Hogan manages to free himself in time to stop a Bundy escape. Hogan keeps chopping and kicking and chopping and kicking. Hogan rams Bundy into the cage to draw blood. Hogan punches the wound and rakes Bundy for good measure. He rams Bundy into the cage more and more. Hogan climbs to the top rope and steps on Bundy’s head and alleged neck. Hogan goes for a bodyslam but collapses. Bundy tries to escape but Hogan chokes him with the tape to get him back into the ring. Bundy fights back with an avalanche and a splash, but Hogan stops another escape. Bundy avalanches Hogan again, but Hogan no-sells and powerslams Bundy. Legdrop by Hogan and he attempts an escape, and despite Bobby Heenan’s best efforts, he makes it to the floor. For good measure, he chases Heenan into the cage and beats the crap out of him to make it a perfect evening. Typical Hogan formula, but no true suspense to it. I mean, I’m watching this with the perspective of time, but watching this, I didn’t find myself thinking for a moment that these fans were giving Bundy a chance. 5 for 12.

Fantasy booking by Adam Nedeff, but I think the main event to go with here, with all due respect to Bundy and Savage, was a once-and-for-all this-is-it-we’re-done blowoff between Hogan and Roddy Piper just to settle that feud for good. It had come to that point where that feud had run its course, but there was probably one last big payday there. Of course, I emphasize that it’s fantasy booking because I don’t see Rod agreeing to lay down and kill that feud for good, but it’s fun to pretend, isn’t it? In the long run, though, it’s probably better that Hogan ended up wrestling Bundy instead for the main event, because if his opponent had been Roddy Piper…I never would have met your mother.

The 411: I almost want to give it a thumbs-up because, when you factor in the end of the America montage, the appearances by Herb and Clara, and the brutal celebrity commentary, it's probably the most unintentionally funny supercard ever. Other Wrestlemanias had legendary matches and moments, but how many have bell-to-bell camp value?
Final Score:  4.1   [ Poor ]