411’s NWA:TNA Xplosion Report 04.04.04

ARE YOU READY FOR TOTAL NON-STOP ACTION???????

Back alongside Mike Tenay is, of course, Jeremy Borash. And look at that haircut! See, I was right all along. In all seriousness, it sticks out awkwardly and he needs to choke his stylist with that necklace of his.

James “Marty Jannetty?” Storm vs. Jason Rumble – This jobber looks like a 130-pound Buff Bagwell, complete with terrible armdrags to boot. Storm lays down some chops, but Rumble sloppily clotheslines Storm to the floor. Somehow, he doesn’t notice Storm blatantly hanging onto the top rope (a la Shawn Michaels), and he quickly flips himself back in, meeting our surprised enhancement talent with a double chop. For whatever reason, these guys planned out their match with the idea in mind that no one needs an advantage for more then ten seconds, as after ducking a clothesline, Rumble goes to work with Low-Ki ‘you are not’ kicks, and a nice Shining Wizard. Storm and Rumble both duck each other’s ridiculous looking kicks, and before we even hit ten seconds, Storm comes back with a kick to the back of Rumble’s head. Storm fucks up, as Rumble ducks a clothesline, but Storm just hammers him in the back as he aimed too low. Storm with a clothesline that was actually meant to be hit. Superkick, “ARGHHH!” pose, and the Eight Second Ride gives Storm the win at 1:50. That was a mess. Not the mess that the Black Shirt Security tag match a month ago was, as three of the workers had no idea what they were doing. No, this was just two guys who know how to wrestle sucking. Storm in particular looked like he was unhappy to be out there.

Jeremy, for crying out loud, I know you’re busy and all. But please, start editing clips from the second (and now third) America’s X-Cup tournaments into the hype video. It’s probably been four weeks of that same video played five times throughout the show.

Clips of Monty Brown fighting with Sabu throughout the crowd on Wednesday. One of the nice touches TNA has is that they have added second camera angle, one that’s exclusive for Xplosion.

Check out TNA On Demand. Cheex’s monumental appearance can be found at this section: http://www.nwatna.com/vod/vod5.html

In the Tag Team Title Tournament, Low Ki and Christopher Daniels went over The Naturals, and Kash & Dallas eliminated Slash & Sinn this past Wednesday. Both of them advanced to the finals of the tournament, which will be shown this Wednesday night. I don’t think 411 have even reported who won that pre-taped match, which surprises me because the place we steal all our news from certainly did.

TNA Cam with Christopher Daniels and Low Ki. Nothing out of the ordinary in the interview, with both Daniels and Low Ki, obviously now more united than ever, spouting off both their catchphrases. What IS notable is Elix Skipper listening behind a closed door, then shutting it in disgust once Daniels and Ki left the room.

TNA Cam with Kid Kash and Dallas. Kash needs to go back to his annoying heel persona, because he doesn’t excel at being both tough and cocky. Kash says that Daniels has no wrestling talent, while Low Ki has a big upper lip. Them’s be fightin’ words. Dallas throws the cameraman to the floor to end the segment, obviously showing that while he hasn’t watched many wrestling matches, he’s obviously studied the interviewing techniques of Abyss.

Sabu vs. John McChesney????? – YOU FUCKS! This is the same match that was aired last week. Here’s that recap.

Sabu vs. John McChesney – Nothing makes me smile more than Mr. Asshole Sabu being subjected to wrestling on XPlosion. McChesney was just here last week, taking on Jerry Lynn in an energetic match. Sabu goes to the basics, and then hits Chesney with both a springboard backelbow and a springboard moonsault for two. Sabu goes right to a Camel Clutch, not even bothering to take Chesney six inches away from the ropes. As a result, the hold looks ridiculous. One minute into the match, Sabu grabs a chair. McChesney smartly stomps the chair, damaging Sabu’s hand. McChesney lands a Blockbuster for two. Sabu crotches him on the top, delivering a DDT from that position for two. Sabu just fucking wrecks him with a chair shot, and a double springboard moonsault leads to three at 2:25. Well, he didn’t launch himself into the crowd during a BATTLE ROYAL, so this wasn’t Sabu’s TNA lowlight.

Mexicans hate Jeff Jarrett! He also works out at Gold’s Gym, for all you wanna-be stalkers out there.

Let’s recap Wednesday night’s segment with numbers to make it easier on both you and I.

1) Jarrett fucking wrecks James Storm with a guitar shot.
2) After some brawling, Chris Harris is just about ready to get Jarrett with that same guitar.
3) Raven comes in, quickly Evenflowing Harris.
4) Styles makes his presence felt by top rope clotheslining both Raven and Jarrett.
5) Raven escapes, and Styles chases him to the back.
6) Jarrett beams Harris with the guitar.
7) ????
8) Profit

Team NWA (Jerry Lynn, Elix Skipper, and Sonjay Dutt) vs. Team Antarctica (Nate Webb, Matt Meager, and Johnny Curtis) – The jobbers immediately attack. Well, I recognize Nate Webb right off the bat. He just so happens to be the guy who lands a badass running cannonball on Lynn, who is standing up in the corner. Webb goes to well one too many times, Tree of Woeing himself. He avoids a baseball slide by picking his head up, but Lynn jumps off the top, elbowdropping a still hung Webb. Webb gets a punch in, allowing a tag into Matt Meager, who gets just that amount of offense. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Lynn, and Sonjay gets tags in. Second ring rope moonsault from Dutt gets two. Dutt slams Meager’s head into the turnbuckle, and tags in Skipper. Meager with a horrendously low big boot that puts Skipper on the mat. Meager tags in Johnny Curtis, who is kind enough to put his full name on his pants. Curtis gets awesome air on a jumping back elbow from the top rope. Skipper catches Curtis’ leg, and bringing him down with a single leg takedown that he keeps on for a pin attempt. That’s a strategy that I cannot praise enough. Webb breaks up the pin. Now it’s a PIER SIX BABY. Well, pier four, as Meager and Webb gets tossed to the floor. Pier three, as Sonjay somersault planchas Meager. Lynn top rope crossbodies Webb on the floor. Back in the ring, that pier two features Curtis forearming Skipper for two. Sonjay spinning DDTs Curtis, and then Elix springboards in with a nice moonsault. Webb breaks it up with a back splash. Sonjay catches Webb’s boot, Webb flips out of it, rolls under a clothesline attempt, and catches Sonjay with a great spinkick. After a whole lot of twirling, Skipper brings Webb down with a Rock Bottom. Now we’re WHAT THE FUCK CLIPPED, sometime in the future as Lynn Cradle Piledrivers Meager for the win at a clipped 3:20. Unless someone horribly blew a spot, the logic in replaying the Sabu/McChesney match while clipping an above average six man flies right over my quite large head.

Frankie Kazarian won the X Title from Amazing Red on Wednesday night. He then tried to attack the injured Chris Sabin, drawing the ire of Sabin’s Team TNA teammates.

TNA Cam with Chris Sabin and the rest of Team TNA. Sabin, hobbling around on his crutches, is ready to rekindle that Sabin/Kazarian feud that set the world on fire last time because of Kazarian’s a lack of respect. He throws down his crutches out of anger, drawing the supreme acting ability to Jerry Lynn when he spouts the line, “I’ve never seen him like this.”

TNA Cam with Frankie Kazarian. “The future is YOUR new X-Division Champion.”

Raven picked up a win on Wednesday thanks to AJ Styles’ confusion that allowed him to advance in the Road to the Cage.

TNA Cam with Chris Harris, who will be facing Raven on April 14th. For Harris, winning the World Title isn’t destiny, it’s faith. Raven’s going to have to live with that.

This Wednesday:
Team Mexico will defend the X-Cup for the second time against Team United Kingdom.
In the finals of the NWA Tag Team Titles tournament, Low Ki & Daniels will battle Kash & Dallas.

For the first time since starting the XPlosion recaps, I’m going to honestly give a recommendation to avoid this week’s show. The best member of Team Mexico, Juventud Guerrera, is absent, with Heavy Metal taking his place. Team United Kingdom looks pathetic, as it’s composed of four ugly Brits that I’ve never even heard in passing. Those who were at the arena said the matches weren’t so good, and the Tag Title Match doesn’t seem like it will set the world on fire either.

This Wednesday, buy a pizza and watch…. Ummm… 60 Minutes? The Stones before it gets canceled? New, plebian-feeding, Fox reality show?

Actually, you may just be better off buying the show.

As always, see yah next week.