411’s WWE Raw Report 7.31.06

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WWE Monday Night Raw 7.31.06

JR and the King welcome us to another edition of RAW! HBK faces Umaga in tonight’s main event. Also tonight is ORTON Knows Best!

Shane McMahon makes his way to the ring, dancing his dance of course. Uh oh, Vince is here as well, POWER WALK~!

Vince on the mic. Despite recent events here on Raw, you can’t take the smile off their faces. Stephanie gave birth last week to a baby girl. His baby girl, his granddaughter is more-wealthy than anyone here. Shane says also smarter already. The celebration will continue to Summerslam, the summer’s biggest party. They are dedication their match there to her. Vince and Shane will team to face DX.

Speaking of DX, here they come. Nope, mind games apparently as the music plays, but nothing. Shane contemplates how HBK will survive UUUUUUUUUMaga.

The DX music kicks again, and them stops. Vince says they will soundly defeat DX at Summerslam. We get the DX music again and here they come.

HBK says they aren’t here to rain on the parade, the offer congrats on the birth. HHH and HBK make Jewish jokes and move onto business. They say they have a match at Summerslam, and they will be celebrating when it is all over. HBK then says they will talk about the newest addition. He says HHH was there last week, and also HHH has gotten the entire McMahon family scrap book. HHH says it is true, and he wants to share it with us. We see Vince’s first photo, which HHH makes jokes about the age of it. PHOTO SHOP TIME~! They also have Shane’s first pic, and Shane apparently started dancing right after birth. They also have Aurora’s first pic. It has HHH’s face and a DX shirt, nice. HBK jokes that she looks like him.

Shane gets pissed and says they will change their diapers at Summerslam. Ok. HHH laughs at him, and HBK stops Vince from talking. They have some advice for Aurora, some life sustaining advice, suck it. DX jokes about their music, and Vince says there will only be his music. They argue about it and DX’s music plays.

Also tonight is Carlito vs. Shelton vs. Nitro © for the IC title, and it is next!

Tonight another Diva chick gets eliminated.

The Miz is here to hype the Diva Search.

WWE IC Title Match: Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Johnny Nitro © w/Melina

Carlito pokes Shelton in the eye and then gets a basement dropkick when Nitro tries to slide in. They brawl on the floor and Shelton gets a plancha onto both men! Commercial @ 0:35.

Back from commercial @ 4:08 as Shelton has a rear headlock on Nitro. Carlito is on the floor. Shelton kicks Carlito back to the floor as he tries to climb back in. Off the ropes and a missed dropkick by Shelton. Nitro misses the standing shooting star press. Shelton tries a powerbomb, counter into a roll up, another counter and Carlito flies in with a sunset flip for 2 as Nitro makes a save. Shelton and Nitro whip Carlito, Shelton misses Carlito and then Carlito clotheslines Nitro. Monkey flip by Shelton on Nitro, who does a full flip to his face, ouch. Lefts by Carlito, running knee lift and then a clothesline on Shelton. Elbows to Nitro, Carlito gets a RANA after a second thought. Tornado DDT by Shelton on Carlito. Shelton covers, but Melina puts Carlito’s foot on the ropes to save Nitro’s title. Shelton is pissed, yells at her and Nitro rams Carlito into Shelton and rolls up Carlito with the tights for the win!

Winner: Johnny Nitro @ 7:50 via pin

More diva search hype.

Later tonight, it is Cena vs. Striker. Also, Orton Knows Best.

Randy Orton makes his way out and has a mic. At Summerslam he will take the legend of Hogan and kill it. And his career will take off, movies, a book and actually, and he has an offer for his own reality show. It is his honor to introduce the cast of Orton Knows Best! We have a Nick, Brooke and Linda impersonators. And a Hogan dude! Hahaha, he looks pretty dead on with the stash, glasses and all. Orton thanks them for coming. He has a question for Nick, what does he want to be when he grows up? A wrestler like his dad brother! Orton says he has to lose some hair first, and then get used to this. He tosses him to the floor. Onto Linda, who is an animal lover. She must be, she married Hogan! They gave birth to a lovely and incredible daughter, Brooke. “Hogan” breaks that up and cuts a promo brother, dude, brother! He flexes too! Orton says he didn’t mean to piss him off and all, but he needs to start thinking about himself. He needs a reality check. In 3-weeks the career ends. He will kill the legend, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. Kiss your career good bye. In the meantime, he has a kiss in mind. He kisses “Brooke” and RKO’s “Hulk.”

Orton then goes and slaps Lawler as payback from last week.

Vince and Shane in the back. Armando is here, and he thanks them for giving UUUUUUUmaga a match with HBK. He offers congrats on the birth of the baby, and gibes then cigars! They ask for some more and Armando says he will bring them more.

JR and King discuss the slap. Lawler is pissed and he says next week they are in Memphis and Lawler is challenging Orton for a match! Lawler says to expect to get respect kicked into his ass.

More Diva Search hype.

Torrie Wilson is out to be a referee. We see FHM photo shoot footage of Torrie.

Trish Stratus and Candace vs. Victoria and Mickie James

Victoria and Candace start. Lock up and Victoria grabs the arm and pulls Candace down by the hair. Lock up and a go behind by Candace. Fireman’s carry and elbow by Candace. Arm bar and takedown by Candace, then an arm breaker to Victoria. Another and into an arm bar submission now. How…odd. Knees by Victoria, drags her to the corner and tags in Mickie. Up top…double smash to Candace. Forearms by Mickie, Candace fires back and Mickie slams her down. Mickie pulls the hair, slams her down and covers for 2. Mickie goes to hit Trish, misses but Victoria gets crotched on the top, tag to Trish. Clothesline and hand stand corner RANA by Trish. Headlock/leg scissor take down by Trish. Victoria tossed to the floor. Chops to Mickie. Off the ropes and an elbow by Mickie, RANA countered into a running powerbomb by Trish for 2! Knees by Mickie, Torrie stops her from throwing rights and a Stratus-Faction by Trish, which is almost botched and that is all.

Winners: Trish and Candace @ 4:24 via pin

Foley offers congrats to Nitro on a successful title defense. He ahs Melina to intro him, and she agrees.

Melina intros Foley as he comes to the ring. They are close friends ya know!

Mick thanks us and it is wonderful of her to be here, because this is an important moment. He will give the fans what they want, Foley, Flair, in this ring…tonight! As they go after tag team gold! Ok, that is ridiculous, but they aren’t that different. He would like to point out how they are the same. Helping out young guys, Flair helped out Orton a few years ago, and he took her under his wing. Flair and him have famous friends. Flair is friends with GW Bush, Foley is friends of hardcore porn Christy Canyon! One made it to the top by screwing a lot of people, the other by being in adult films! They both made national headlines, he was in USA today while Flair was in it for Road Rage.

Flair makes his way to the ring. Foley says he was expecting him and Flair says to shut up! Brother, I have been waiting for three weeks for you, and that is a long time. The world know is have overstayed my welcome. You in turn, is this actually the bad ass Mick Foley, Cactus jack Mick Foley? PHANTOM ELBOW DROP! Shove it pal! We are long overdue, who gives a damn about your book we are here to welcome! They boo A-Rod and they will boo you because you are lazier than he is! And let me tell you for all of you that don’t know, I drank a lot more than one glass of wine while doing my book, it is a lifetime of greatness pal! I am just warmed up. You say imaginary bad asses, Brody, where are you today? Stan Hansen in Denver, Stan, he is calling you imaginary! Harley Race, terry Funk the list goes on, imaginary? Those guys would walk over you on the way to the bathroom. And you wouldn’t open you mouth to say anything. Those are bad asses. I have 19-stiches from you, did you taste you blood? I want to taste yours. I want you, tacks, nails, barbed wire, I want…I want Cactus jack, I want Foley, and I want what ever you want to be that day! Bring out Socko and I will shove it up your ass! Anyone in the world want to see Foley and Flair? WHO WANTS TO SEE FLAIR AND FOLEY GO HARDCORE? You tasted my blood and I have to try you, I want to fall off a cage, I want tacks **ROLLS AROUND** I want what you got Cactus Jack! Most of all I want you…you and me…to finalize this! Finalize it! Damn it! You know what makes me mad? This guy talks about his family, his ear, his wife, his kids…what a bunch of crap! She is the kind of Diva the Nature Boy gets, not you! 15-years ago…all night long! YOU would be space mountain high! WOOOO!

That is the difference Flair, she is my friend. You think about your odds, I see kindness and compassion. I have a porno friend and I have seen her work, but now I think of her and her work with children and I will not take family tips from a 3-time divorcee and absent father! Maybe I stepped over the line, remember the flight from Manila? We could always agree on family, and I am shooting straight. You called all of your kids, just because, it touched me. Maybe I am envious, I am a good dad, but I will never have the experience with my kids as you did. I will never know what it is like to say, you dad has just been arrested!

Flair knocks him from the ring, and Coach is out! After all of this, Coach is here to announce that they will have match. Flair vs. Foley, Summerslam. Foley asks if that is so, but Vince has to read his contract. He wrestles who he wants when he wants. After 20-years of the Foley stunt show, he only has a few good matches left and he won’t waste it on washed up Flair…have a nice day…YEAH!

Edge vs. Cena is official for Summerslam, if Edge gets DQ’ed he loses the WWE Title.

Striker cuts a promo on Cena. He says Cena uses slang and he says Homies is not in the dictionary. He is brilliant and handsome.

Edge is here apparently. Yup, he and Lita are here and the RATED R ANNOUNCE TABLE IS BACK! It is up by the entrance this week.

John Cena vs. Matt Striker

Striker tries to attack and Cena beats him down. Belly to belly. Neckbreaker. Proto-bomb. 5-knuckle shuffle. FU. STFU. Match Over.

Winner: John Cena @ 1:10 via pin

Edge talks shit to Cena from his table and they stare down.

The Spirit Squad are in the ring. They do a cheer.

Johnny w/Spirit Squad vs. Rory w/Roby

Lock up and a headlock by Rory. Escape and a head butt by Rory. Rory gets tripped by a random squad member and then they play with the megaphone. The ref takes, uses it and tosses the rest of the squad! They get pissed and leave. Rory attacks with rights, off the ropes and a back elbow. Trip by Johnny, boots to Rory. Rights now by Johnny, neck breaker and a knee drop for 2. Rear choke by Johnny, Rory works to his feet and escapes. Rights to Johnny, off the ropes and a reversal and Scottish Hammer to Johnny. Off the ropes and a backdrop to Johnny. Uranage into a backbreaker by Rory for 2. Johnny then gets the cool spinkick to Rory. Johnny mocks Roby, but Rory rolls him up and wins.

Winner: Rory @ 4:28 via pin

More Diva Search hype.

The Diva chicks are here. Miz talks, no immunity again, Rebecca gets voted off, which is good because she has man-face. Five chicks left: Jen, Layla, Milena, Erica and JT.

Highlights of the WM 23 fan rally are shown.

We see DX in their locker room. Some cops and FBI dudes are here, and they say they heard they have some illegal substances. They have a warrant, and they find the Cuba cigars in HHH’s bag. CONTRABAN~! HHH says he doesn’t smoke and he is being taken down town…WELLNESS. Oh those wacky McMahon’s. HBK is all alone now. HHH sees Vince and Shane, and says if he wants to play, they will play. Vince and Shane go to smoke their cigars.

Orton vs. King is official for next week.

Umaga w/Armando vs. HBK

BK with rights and chops, boot to Umaga and then more chops. Off the ropes and HBK rams Umaga to the corner. Corner mount punches, Umaga walks him out, roll up try and Umaga misses the sit down. Basement dropkick by HBK for 2. HBK slides to the floor and Vince and Shane walk out to the ring. HBK is cornered and we head to a commercial @ 1:35.

Back @ 4:27 with HBK fighting back on Umaga. Umaga takes him down, kick shim and HBK to the floor. Reef counts, Umaga with a double smash from the apron on HBK and then slams him to the announce table. Back in the ring and Umaga beats him down. Rights by Umaga, off the ropes and a knee by Umaga. Snap mare and a chop by Umaga. Neck vice now by Umaga but HBK makes it to his feet, escapes and Umaga head butts him down. Diving head butt by Umaga. Running ass ram misses, chops by HBK. Umaga shoves him down, chops by HBK again. Off the ropes, flying forearm. Umaga rocked, not down and then falls. Kip up by Armando pulls HBK down. Umaga runs into Armando and he is down. Toss into the Samoan Drop by Umaga. Umaga checks on Armando and goes nuts because he is hurt. He starts ripping shit up and Vince on the apron and gives Umaga the sign with the cigar! Samoan spike misses, LOW BLOW by HBK! HBK up top…elbow drop! Tune up the band…Vince grabs HBK, Armando tries to get in and HBK nails Vince. Shane in, forearm to Shane. Kip up…SAMOAN SPIKE and UUUUUUmaga wins!

Winner: Umaga @ 11:44 via pin

After the match, Vince, Armando, Shane and Umaga celebrate. Shane and Vince then beat down HBK. Vince takes off his belt and WHIPS HBK! He chokes him with the belt as Shane gets a chair. They put the chair in front of his face…and Shane superkicks the chair into his face! The McMahon’s stand tall and talk shit to HBK, saying HHH has to face Umaga!

Remember, send your feedback on the show to me for the 3R’s column this Friday!